How did I get this wrong?

[Lok12346]

Alright Everyone, I met this girl about one month back. She made a proposal for a date but then I told her let's talk first because it is too early. So as we progress I  learn that she is depressed and anxious and some how thinks she is a failure. We spoke about it a bit and I did point out that she has stable job and what she thinks about herself is really not true and I did tell her  how she should start doing things which makes her happy and left it at that and few distressed calls where she was suggestive of the fact no one likes her which I somehow interpreted she wants an answer from me. Apart from that most of the other times it is mostly happy talk and mild flirting mostly from her and I just reciprocated. I did try testing waters by leaving some compliments for which she responded positively ( or let's say I felt that way). So eventually I make up my mind to tell her that I like her which I start of gave indirect hint in the previous call and felt she was waiting for it. 

Ok 2 days back I wrote a message to her expressing my interest and she declined saying she can't date anyone right now and wants to focus on herself.

I followed up saying is it that we talk maybe few months later or she just not that much into me. No response so far so I just think she is not that interested.

I am totally fine that she is not interested but the thing which I kind of thinking hard is how did I get this wrong ? I felt like I am 100% sure that she likes me but just that I was to tally wrong. Any opinions what's going on here? Thanks

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lok12346 said:

She made a proposal for a date but then I told her let's talk first because it is too early.  it is mostly happy talk and mild flirting mostly from her and I just reciprocated.

Have you met in person? Why did you decline going on a date? The best way to indicate that you like someone is to ask them out on a date.

[basil67]

She got her courage up and put herself out there by asking you on a date and you said no.  Dude, what were you thinking?!    The whole purpose of going on a date is to talk and get to know each other while doing nice stuff together.  It's not like going on a date means you'll be boyfriend and girlfriend straight away.  For future reference, don't ever say "no" to a date with a girl you're interested in again.

That said, given her fragile mental state, she's exactly right that she can't date anyone right now.   If something went wrong....a disagreement or a breakup, her mental health isn't strong enough to deal with it. Sounds like she needs a lot of work with a therapist before she starts dating. 

[Lok12346]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? Why did you decline going on a date? The best way to indicate that you like someone is to ask them out on a date.

Because we stay in different cities. The proposal was very early like first call we had which I felt was too early from her side. I wanted to know more before I validate my feelings towards her

[Lok12346]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

She got her courage up and put herself out there by asking you on a date and you said no.  Dude, what were you thinking?!    The whole purpose of going on a date is to talk and get to know each other while doing nice stuff together.  It's not like going on a date means you'll be boyfriend and girlfriend straight away.  For future reference, don't ever say "no" to a date with a girl you're interested in again.

That said, given her fragile mental state, she's exactly right that she can't date anyone right now.   If something went wrong....a disagreement or a breakup, her mental health isn't strong enough to deal with it. Sounds like she needs a lot of work with a therapist before she starts dating. 

Ok, I never said No. I said let's talk because it was too early when she proposed.

[Lok12346]

Just now, Lok12346 said:

Ok, I never said No. I said let's talk because it was too early when she proposed.

As i said I am fine that she needs time or she is not interested but I am more worried about my Judgement. How did i get this wrong.  I guess this is not first time this has happened to me.  Even earlier once I thought woman likes me and there is no chance of "no" but at the end I was totally wrong

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Lok12346 said:

Because we stay in different cities. The proposal was very early like first call we had which I felt was too early from her side.

The best thing to do is reset your matching criteria to more local women. You can't build rapport or get to know someone through texting. Texting is not dating.

It's appropriate after a few messages to meet in person so you can determine if you want to continue.

[ItsTheDay]

6 hours ago, Lok12346 said:

Ok, I never said No. I said let's talk because it was too early when she proposed.

You did say no, not flat out but declining a date is saying no. 

 

6 hours ago, Lok12346 said:

I wanted to know more before I validate my feelings towards her

This is the purpose of said date. 

[Lok12346]

All good guys. Maybe I said No albeit Indirectly. I didn't say No directly anyway. I was very surprised when she said so and didn't know what to say because I felt it was very fast. But anyway lessons learnt. But she continued to talk and rest of the story is anyway in the thread. 

So my question was So she is not interested now because I said  what is considered to be No? If so why did she flirt and continue to give signals? Maybe revenge? 

[basil67]

I guess she continued to flirt in order to try and get something happening with you....but you took too long for her and she moved on.  

I'm wondering why you were so hesitant to go on this date.  What were you concerned about?

Edited August 2, 2022 by basil67

[Alvi]

 

15 hours ago, Lok12346 said:

So as we progress I  learn that she is depressed and anxious and some how thinks she is a failure. We spoke about it a bit and I did point out that she has stable job and what she thinks about herself is really not true and I did tell her  how she should start doing things which makes her happy and left it at that and few distressed calls where she was suggestive of the fact no one likes her which I somehow interpreted she wants an answer from me.

She sounds like a hot mess to be honest. Too many red flags. Do you want to constantly play a cheerleader or  phycologist role for her? Because that what it would be if the two of you ended up dating. How long could you go before it would get tiring constantly reassuring her that she is not a failure and that you like her? She needs to slay her own dragons before starting a relationship with anybody. But she must be very good looking for you to entertain dating her. 

Edited August 3, 2022 by Alvi

[Lok12346]

4 hours ago, Alvi said:

 

She sounds like a hot mess to be honest. Too many red flags. Do you want to constantly play a cheerleader or  phycologist role for her? Because that what it would be if the two of you ended up dating. How long could you go before it would get tiring constantly reassuring her that she is not a failure and that you like her? She needs to slay her own dragons before starting a relationship with anybody. But she must be very good looking for you to entertain dating her. 

Indeed she is but this was the reason why I was holding back  she was so so depressed.

[ExpatInItaly]

You rejected her offer to meet.

Meeting once doesn't mean you have to validate your feelings, OP. The purpose of the first meet is to establish whether there's mutual attraction. You are putting too much weight on the first date, and taking too long to feel things out by messaging. Holding back that much and being so nervous to even meet once is going to drive potential dates away. That's where you goofed. You're approaching the first date like it's a big commitment, when it shouldn't be that at all. 

However, she also sounds very mixed-up. You're already playing cheerleader to her and you don't even know her. That isn't healthy and not a good way to establish a connection. Next time, steer clear of women who need emotional support before you have even met them. It's the sign that something is off. 

[Lok12346]

13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You rejected her offer to meet.

Meeting once doesn't mean you have to validate your feelings, OP. The purpose of the first meet is to establish whether there's mutual attraction. You are putting too much weight on the first date, and taking too long to feel things out by messaging. Holding back that much and being so nervous to even meet once is going to drive potential dates away. That's where you goofed. You're approaching the first date like it's a big commitment, when it shouldn't be that at all. 

However, she also sounds very mixed-up. You're already playing cheerleader to her and you don't even know her. That isn't healthy and not a good way to establish a connection. Next time, steer clear of women who need emotional support before you have even met them. It's the sign that something is off. 

Hey, It was not possible to meet. She stays in different city. However I back tracked because of her emotional issues but then Overwhelming emotions got the better of me

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Lok12346 said:

Hey, It was not possible to meet. She stays in different city. 

That isn't the reason you gave initially: 

20 hours ago, Lok12346 said:

She made a proposal for a date but then I told her let's talk first because it is too early.

Which is it? And what did you tell her? 

[Maldives]

20 hours ago, Lok12346 said:

Ok, I never said No. I said let's talk because it was too early when she proposed.

Doesn't matter she viewed it as a rejection 

[Lok12346]

51 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That isn't the reason you gave initially: 

Which is it? And what did you tell her? 

Hey we met in facebook. It was about some offer she had in some other country she wanted to know of because I had some knowledge about it. So I thought thats all she wanted to know but as we were talking about that she started asking me If I was interested to date her(Again Indirectly, She was saying she is unmarried, no kids and few other stuff ) so I was surprised and told her let's talk. I didn't say anything more neither yes or no. 

As we started talking more and more it was very clear that we were getting attracted to each other. I complimented on some of her pics and told her how beautiful she is and she was very receptive and she was Indicating that we should meet as well and somewhere in the middle of one of our conversation she was talking about meeting after 6 months once she feels better. 

I did give her a hint in one of our previous talk saying that I have something serious to talk about in the next call and I thought she would at least decline the call or act such a way so that she is not interested but nothing she still joined call and we spoke very nicely. I just wrote a message after call.

Since I never told her Yes or No, I thought I should come clear and tell her what exactly I feel. So rest as stated above  she feels she wants to work on herself and can't have boyfriend right now. I asked her if she needs time or she is just not interested in me so that I don't bother her anymore I got no reply. 

I am sure hurt but I am determined not to bother her anymore. Let her make up her own mind if any

[Lok12346]

Just now, Goodguy05 said:

Doesn't matter she viewed it as a rejection 

Hey, I Just gave bit more context and tbh Maybe however it was perceived it was in past we still communicated and learnt more and I could see she was getting attracted or maybe she pretended, I don't know. But anyway  thats something i need to do better maybe next time if there is one.

I have told her what i want. If she ever gets back again let's see. I will be more upfront

[ExpatInItaly]

I think actually that you're the one getting too wrapped up too quickly. 

One date doesn't need to have this many emotions attached, nor need to be so serious. Keep things light. Meet quickly. Don't put so much pressure on yourself or the situation, 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Lok12346 said:

Hey, It was not possible to meet. She stays in different city. However I back tracked because of her emotional issues but then Overwhelming emotions got the better of me

To me this is simple. She got turned off by your "overwhelming emotions' which one can't really hide. 

You came off quite intense, which can be a turn off especially before ever meeting in person..

There is a saying, water seeks it's own level. 

Meaning you may have initially been drawn to each other due to mutual emotional issues, but your intensity kicked her over the fence and turned her off.

This may be happening with other women as well.  Look within, introspect. 

Going forward  dial it back. It’s hard to believe all this drama, intensity and overwhelming emotions (from you) occurred before meeting in person.

This would spook most women.

Something to consider moving forward OP, good luck.  

Edited August 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Lok12346 said:

 So she is not interested now because I said  what is considered to be No? 

She lost interest because you turned her down . People message on dating sites to set up a date.

Many people, rightfully so, feel people who won't meet in a timely manner are timewasters or just looking for chat buddies.

Don't worry about her or her motives. Just meet sooner rather than later.

[Lok12346]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

To me this is simple. She got turned off by your "overwhelming emotions' which one can't really hide. 

You came off quite intense, which can be a turn off especially before ever meeting in person..

There is a saying, water seeks it's own level. 

Meaning you may have initially been drawn to each other due to mutual emotional issues, but your intensity kicked her over the fence and turned her off.

This may be happening with other women as well.  Look within, introspect. 

Going forward  dial it back. It’s hard to believe all this drama, intensity and overwhelming emotions (from you) occurred before meeting in person.

This would spook most women.

Something to consider moving forward OP, good luck.  

Honestly and Unfortunately you are true. I went through traumatic breakup 4 years back and looks like still lot of ground to cover. You are not wrong whomever I  have met so far I have screwed up everything rather being either really not so enjoyable because I am struggling so much Internally or showing interest too early(Desperation?)

Honestly I have been trying not get emotional  and just take it as casual as it can but I somehow end up being one. This is a pattern repeats itself time and again. All the efforts so far haven't yielded results. I went out of dating for more than 2 years to get back on my feet and to become emotionally stronger but looks like I  haven't reached that stage yet or let's say I don't know if ever reach one. 

I was so clingy, desperate and even begged my ex to be with me. Somehow these tendencies haven't left me yet. So much of Therapy, tablets , self talk and motivational coaching nothing have yielded the results I was hoping for. I always start with the thought that how this person fits me, Does she have similar values  like me etc.. but eventually I somehow become desperate(Not sure why but that's how it happens). I am ever so hopeful that unless someone says NO, I always feel I am still in.

For someone so successful in everything I do this one aspect has been hurting me for long and I see no way out despite hell lot of efforts. My ability to control myself is so pathetic specially wrt dating.

At least I don't go begging around is only thing that has improved. 

[Lok12346]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She lost interest because you turned her down . People message on dating sites to set up a date.

Many people, rightfully so, feel people who won't meet in a timely manner are timewasters or just looking for chat buddies.

Don't worry about her or her motives. Just meet sooner rather than later.

Honestly the context was entirely different. Maybe I am not putting it in right words. As I said the initial conversation was not about dating. We didn't meet in dating website rather she had a topic which she wanted to discuss about so we got into call in FB. At least in my mind I was  not thinking about dating. She kind of brought this up as part of our initial call then I was kind of not sure what to say at the moment so I ended up saying we will talk and see.

Then as we continued, I got to know more about her. I kind of got drawn into her because of how open she was about her vulnerabilities and I did feel she was open , honest and frank. She could have simply chosen to play tough but she didn't. Eventually I start liking her and I believed she did like because of the way she was talking/behaving.

But then looks like she has changed her mind so be it if it is supposed to happen it will else someone else will.

All i understand from this thread is I still struggle with my emotions and clinginess. I have left with no option but to go back to the drawing board and try again to get these issues resolved. 30 years of wrong patterns cannot be corrected in 4 years I guess but I will do everything I can