If he leaves he'll be homeless but I can't stand this anymore

[Hol9782]

Hi, I'm desperate for advice.

My partner has never been good with money he self confessed this quite quickly into our relationship his 48 I'm 40.

We have been living together for close to 3 years, first 2 years he was good covered the cost of bills 50/50 if I recall there was one month that he messed up but nothing else.

We moved home December last year so 8 months ago.

The first month being December Christmas is an expensive Time for us all, and I received a unexpected Xmas bonus, so to help I said I will cover bills this month, spend the money on your nieces etc for Xmas.

January arrives, don't forget could you transfer me the bill money I told him, sorry he said I thought you said January too. I knew I hadn't but give benefit of the doubt.

February comes bill money please, nothing, so I asked him to leave and go stop at a Mates for a few days, he did.

Came back promised me he would pay in March again nothing, in fact I think I even covered one of his bills as spent his wages, April Easter time again, now more angry, go to your mates as you need to work out whether you want a family or a dog sitting service with your mates in tow.

4 days break he came back, may he managed to actually transfer me a quarter of the bill money.

Again more arguing, we even have a second child in may, so not only had I been footing all the household bills including all food costs, I also single handed bought everything for our new baby.

June passes again nothing, come July so this month just gone, he finally admits to gambling and taking out payday loans to cover his losses. He pays them back each time he gets paid and is left short.

At least he admits the issue I appreciated that. But end of July he should Have transferred over for August and again nothing.

I swore blind to him and myself after our chat in July we settled well I settled his last payday loan so started again, on level playing field.

Then yesterday I was told I spent just over £1500 of his wages on slots in two days. This is online gambling.

 

So the only way we keep a home or eat is again me paying for it all.

So I've told him to leave and I know I'm done, 8 months of not paying his way at all and me helping more so, to be told again I'm not paying I dont have the money.

What has angered me to the extreme, he has a dog he owned the dog before I met him, each and every month he has paid out in full for his dogs food has to buy a special food not just supermarket etc brands, due to dogs allergies, pays his vet bill each month and his phone bill, plus his running costs for his car.

But for anything housing costs lights food etc never keeps that back.

Surely that is not someone who is gambling unawares it's he takes almost his personal money moves it and doesnt give a toss about how me and the children are going to be.

Don't get me wrong I can afford to cover everything I earn a decent wage and I also have savings, (he is not aware I have savings). 

 

So I want him to go his used me for 8 months, but if he does go he has no money left till end of August, just his dog food money and car money, which if I sent him off couldn't see an animal go hungry and no car no work.

He has nowhere or no one.

He lived with his mum before me and she has since passed away 2 years ago. His mate that put him up on 2 occasions.. last time he left said look his partner didn't want him back, he has asked and been told no he cannot stay, he sleeps on there sofa the times he been there and they said no, he starts work at 5 am so is up 3:30-4am. so they forced to go to bed almost so he can sleep in there own home.

Another mate lives in a studio no room, his sister also passed away before I met him approx 10 years ago. And there is no one, literally no one.

So if I make him go his homeless but although his promised and I mean on his knees begging me and saying he realises what his done, this will now be going into month 9 of only be providing for an entire family.

His also been to seek housing advice today and as he has a dog the homeless emergency place won't take him. His on the sofa here at moment.

 

But I have woken up to being used and that's exactly it, but I cannot make someone homeless as in actually homeless.

Any advice please.

 

Edited August 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarify title

[Happy Lemming]

Would he be willing to go to a "Gamblers Anonymous" meeting?? (provided there is a chapter in your area)   If there isn't a meeting in your immediate area, maybe he could join their forum and get help on-line.

I've read that "Gamblers Anonymous" has a pretty high success rate, it might be worth looking into.

Nothing is going to change until he stops gambling.

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, Hol9782 said:

He has nowhere or no one.

He lived with his mum before me and she has since passed away 2 years ago. His mate that put him up on 2 occasions.. last time he left said look his partner didn't want him back, he has asked and been told no he cannot stay, he sleeps on there sofa the times he been there and they said no, he starts work at 5 am so is up 3:30-4am. so they forced to go to bed almost so he can sleep in there own home.

Another mate lives in a studio no room, his sister also passed away before I met him approx 10 years ago. And there is no one, literally no one.

So if I make him go his homeless but although his promised and I mean on his knees begging me and saying he realises what his done, this will now be going into month 9 of only be providing for an entire family.

His also been to seek housing advice today and as he has a dog the homeless emergency place won't take him. His on the sofa here at moment.

Why did you continue taking this guy back and decide to have another child with him?  You are partly to blame for allowing this to go on for so long.  It is not your responsibility to provide a place for a grown man to stay.  He can go back to his friend's couch and sleep, put his dog up for adoption since he can't afford it anyway and then figure out his life.  Stop acting like his mother.  Nothing teaches a person to be responsible for themselves like hitting rock bottom where they are forced to shape up to survive.  I suggest you let him go so he will have a chance to grow up because you seem to be enabling him.

[basil67]

The husband of one of my friends has an addiction to gambling, to the point of it nearly breaking them.  The solution they've come up with is that his wages go directly to her, she takes what's needed for the essentials and gives him money for discretionary spending.    If I still loved my partner, this is the route I'd take, combined with therapy for him

Edited August 2, 2022 by basil67

[Hol9782]

You are actually correct to a degree perhaps by not taking a stronger stance I have been enabling him.

The baby though he had been paying his way, the baby was already conceived in fact I was 3 months pregnant when he stopped paying his way, so the baby would have been on the way if he had carried on paying or as he has decided to do.

But when I say no one will take him in, I'm not just saying it for the sake of, there is no one, his friend has said no. And the other place a studio it's an outright no.

So this is my dilemma, I have repeatedly said even this morning, it's done you have had 8 months living off me without a thought to how things would turn out, too busy keeping a dog and whatever else you been spending on.

He admits his done wrong but the damage is done, I only carried on due to desperately trying to keep a family together, but when I sat and realised he hasn't even put a nappy on the baby bum, it is not a family. It's me the boys and him and his dog.

But if I boot him out he has his car to sleep in with dog in tow, which yes he deserves but at same time how can I sit with a roof and food knowing not only is he in a car but dog too.

[FMW]

1 hour ago, Hol9782 said:

how can I sit with a roof and food knowing not only is he in a car but dog too.

I understand how difficult that must be for you, you're in a tough situation.  Unfortunately it seems nothing will change if you allow him to stay and continue the way it's been.  

Unless he would agree to an arrangement like @basil67 referenced where his money goes to you to manage while he enters therapy or a support group for gambling, I'm not sure what is left.  You could offer that as the alternative to him leaving.  If he doesn't agree, he's the one making the choice.  He's responsible for the lack of attractive alternatives, for either of you.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Hol9782 said:

 I cannot make someone homeless as in actually homeless.

You need to ask him to leave. He's pulling you down with his lies and addictions.

He won't be homeless. He can go to welfare services for assistance with housing, food stamps, healthcare, mental health and addiction counselling and employment assistance and training. There's homeless shelters everywhere. There's food banks and soup kitchens everywhere. He needs to find his own way.

He needs to help himself. When you stop enabling him, he'll have to do that. You're not making him homeless, he's doing that to himself.

[stillafool]

I agree he can hit the shelters and his dog would be better off being put up for adoption so he/she won't have to suffer.  I guarantee that he will land on his feet if you use the tough love method.