First Holiday with a Girl

[viking37]

I've been dating this girl a few months now seeing her once a week. She is very sexual and I thought she was just looking for sex but soon she started saying she likes me and suggesting dates and texting me every day and talking casually about the future and so on. I knew she was going away the whole summer back to her country for the school holidays (she's a teacher) but figured it would fizzle out by then. But she has been texting me every day and saying she misses me and so on.  

We found the distance a bit difficult with a few misunderstandings by text and in particularly sometimes she got jealous and suspicious and tried to make me jealous (e.g. seems i'm popular in my home country i got 700+ likes) and this annoyed me a little because if she didn't want me to see other people this summer she should have said so. And if she wanted to see other people then don't rub it in my face. But anyway I casually asked when she was back and when she said end of August I was a bit taken aback and said I didnt realize she was away for that long. She said I can see her sooner if I liked. I asked what she meant and she said we could go on holiday together. 

By this time I realized I missed her more than I wanted to admit and while we'd texted every day for three weeks I thought face to face time might be good and I felt confident we would have fun together. She said she didn't feel worried or stressed about the holiday and it felt very natural and right to go away with me. But I guess closer to the time (our holiday is in a few days) I am having a few concerns.  

Firstly, she is very sexual. I mean it is clear she has developed feelings for me as well. But she talks a lot about sex still and all summer she has been saying how much she misses having sex with me and how great the sex is etc. I can satisfy her sleeping with her once a week but I know she is going to want every night. Actually once she described her perfect day on holiday us getting up having morning sex, going for a swim coming home showering and having more sex and going out for dinner then coming back and cuddling up and drinking wine (and presumably having more sex!) I'm more of a once a night, three times a week (preferably not on consecutive nights) kinda guy and have occasional ED especially when I am tired, have been eating/drinking too much etc. So I am worried this trip would highlight our differing sex drives and she has already told me regular sex is important to her in a relationship.  She is very sensitive and if I am not careful could easily take it personally (i.e. assume I don't like her enough etc.) so I am thinking in advance how to manage the issue if it arises.  

Secondly, I am a bit confused by it all. Going on holiday together is something couples do. She has made it clear to me she has commitment phobia and told me before she sabotages anything good by making bad choices even when she can see good choices. I was a bit confused at the time and tried to get her to explain and my understanding is she usually goes for guys who are indecisive/emotionally unavailable/don't have time for anything because obviously they are less likely to try to pressure her to commit. And obviously in the meantime she gets regular sex. But because of this I have been holding back emotionally and not taking her that seriously. Especially when she says all this lovey dovey stuff about how much she likes me and how happy I make her feel and how much she misses me and cannot wait for me to kiss her and hold her in my arms and so on.. And especially when the next minute she will get sexual again  and talk about how much she wants to have sex with me and all the things she wants me to do to her in bed. So I do not really know what to make of any of it. Do I trust this girl and give her the benefit of the doubt or does the commitment phobia mean I should continue to hold back and just treat this as something fun and casual and keep my options open? 

But the optimist in me says that maybe she hasn't met the right guy and when she does she will fight her fears and overcome them. And it is promising she hasn't used the long summer break as an excuse to end things and is willing to pay $500 for a plane ticket to spend 5 nights on holiday with me (I offered to pay she insisted). Maybe she just sees it as a fun holiday with the bonus of a potential for a lot of sex but I think it is still shows some courage on her part. 
My plan for the holiday is to plan it well so that there is plenty to keep us busy and entertained which limits the expectation for sex marathons, means we will create some amazing memories together, and also postpones any difficult conversations it is perhaps too early to have. We will be spending 5 nights together so I figure by the end of that her feelings will either grow considerably to the point she might make her intentions clearer or she will get bored and lose interest and either way I know better where I stand end of the holiday. Is this a good idea or should I try to make it romantic and make it clear towards the end of the trip that I see some potential and am not interested in anyone else etc?

[Wiseman2]

Are you going to visit her? 

[Maldives]

If the sex thing is a concern for you for your different styles, bring that up straight away and have a chat about it. Let her know how you are. The thing is if this is an issue for her then eventually this is not going to work anyway. It's better getting these things out in the open to begin with and be honest. You don't want to try and impress someone and win someone over that's a different fit for you anyway. Just watch how you deliver the message though. 

Edited August 3, 2022 by Goodguy05

[Els]

10 hours ago, viking37 said:

I'm more of a once a night, three times a week (preferably not on consecutive nights) kinda guy and have occasional ED especially when I am tired, have been eating/drinking too much etc. So I am worried this trip would highlight our differing sex drives and she has already told me regular sex is important to her in a relationship.  She is very sensitive and if I am not careful could easily take it personally (i.e. assume I don't like her enough etc.) so I am thinking in advance how to manage the issue if it arises.  

Why don't you just have a conversation about your different sexual preferences and see what she thinks about it? It's something that I would definitely bring up BEFORE the issue arises (because believe me, it will). If she's not content with sex three times a week, then it would be best for both of you to save the time and money and not proceed with this.

Alternatively, if it's just an occasional ED thing (and you're not actually opposed to having sex more often), are you open to pleasuring her with your tongue/hands, if she's happy with that?

[glows]

Talk about it and have an open conversation beforehand. She has no issues bringing up sex so address it and tell her you enjoy spending time with her but have different sexual needs. 

The bigger concern is her self-described commitment issues and using sex to mask or conceal that in relationships. The overall tone feels totally off. It would personally cause me to pause and step back. Or at least prevent me from getting too close to this person. She lays on the affections thick but thinks of herself as being a commitment phobe. Is this not gross or unattractive to you? At the very least it’s inconsistent and because it’s inconsistent and confusing (the word you used), I wouldn’t place so much weight on this. 

It sounds like a summer fling and she’s having her fun. Go with the flow but don’t get too carried away. You’ll find out soon enough whether she’s confused, high maintenance, full of issues or you’re just incompatible.

[poppyfields]

It pains me to say this, but this sounds like a repeat of your previous thread, about the Turkish attorney who was also very beautiful and sexual.

Man did that woman ever mess with your head, (and heart) in a very big way.

She also had commitment issues. 

@viking37I think it's time you start looking within to determine why you're so drawn to these emotionally unavailable types, commitment phobes.

Most likely you share the same issues but more passively.  That's how these connections work, typically. 

She actively places up walls, you're passively try to break down. 

It's about fear.

The ED you experience occasionally may be part of that fear as well. 

Here, I wouldn't advise talking to her about this.  Given her issues, it's unlikely to make a difference other than she might view you as needy and clingy - she is an admitted commitment phobe, all the talks in the world are not going to change that OR her.

If you were emotionally available yourself, you would end it and seek a more stable girl who is capable of forming healthy connections

But it sounds like you may not even want that. Or attracted to women who can offer you that. 

For some reason that only you can answer, you enjoy the roller coaster, the instability.

It's up to you. 

 

 

Edited August 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

21 hours ago, viking37 said:

My plan for the holiday is to plan it well so that there is plenty to keep us busy and entertained which limits the expectation for sex marathons, means we will create some amazing memories together, and also postpones any difficult conversations it is perhaps too early to have.

I think it's a bad choice to accept an invitation to attend a marathon sex holiday and have secret plans to avoid holding up your end of the deal.  Assuming that the holiday can be cancelled, it's only right that you're honest with her about having different expectations for the weekend.  And the fact that your sex drive is vastly different to hers.    She may be OK with it, or she may cancel.  But don't go along with plans to undermine what she's looking for. 

 

 

[JRabbit]

No point in delaying the inevitable. I would definitely have a discussion now about the difference in your sex drives, its not going to change with time. You don't sound compatible long term.

[viking37]

Had a discussion before the holiday. she got upset at first interpreting it as me saying I didn't want to have sex with her. but when I explained it was more about being worried I wouldn't satisfy her as it was clear that she was expecting a lot of sex on the trip she said that she only wanted to have sex with me and didn't care if it was too much or too little.

As it happened the sea air helped a little and I was able to perform every night even if I wasn't always in the mood. And the rest of the holiday went very smoothly. We didn't have any arguments. We were laughing a lot and having fun. And on the penultimate day of our trip in the morning she said so softly I thought I misheard that she loved me and then later that afternoon she said again. I was not really sure what to say so said nothing in return and the next day she went back to saying she liked me which I felt more comfortable repeating back to her. But it caught me out by surprise. I guess maybe spending 5 days together in a romantic location and having sex every day probably scrambled her emotions so in the moment she felt it but she probably did not really mean it. And she still has not brought up exclusivity or talked about a relationship or anything although she does reference doing things together when she is back from holiday. But she is back in just 10 days so I guess we can figure things out then.

She has been raving about what a good holiday she had with me and sent me a photo she had taken where she had written she misses me on the sand as she is on holiday with her parents and sister now. 

As for the sex if this does not progress into a serious relationship but we perhaps go from seeing each other once to perhaps twice a week when she is back and maybe do some shorter minibreaks given this one was quite successful. 

But I am a little spooked by the "I love you". I am growing very fond of her and she is very good company and very pretty and I feel very affectionate towards her and want to make her happy. And I do miss her. But love is a big word and it has only been 3 months....

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, viking37 said:

 maybe do some shorter minibreaks given this one was quite successful. 

Yes, getting out of the bars and hookup routine works wonders. Doing fun healthy stuff together can invigorate your sexlife a lot more than drinking and clubbing.

Edited August 13, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

7 hours ago, viking37 said:

Had a discussion before the holiday. she got upset at first interpreting it as me saying I didn't want to have sex with her. but when I explained it was more about being worried I wouldn't satisfy her as it was clear that she was expecting a lot of sex on the trip she said that she only wanted to have sex with me and didn't care if it was too much or too little.

As it happened the sea air helped a little and I was able to perform every night even if I wasn't always in the mood. And the rest of the holiday went very smoothly. We didn't have any arguments. We were laughing a lot and having fun. And on the penultimate day of our trip in the morning she said so softly I thought I misheard that she loved me and then later that afternoon she said again. I was not really sure what to say so said nothing in return and the next day she went back to saying she liked me which I felt more comfortable repeating back to her. But it caught me out by surprise. I guess maybe spending 5 days together in a romantic location and having sex every day probably scrambled her emotions so in the moment she felt it but she probably did not really mean it. And she still has not brought up exclusivity or talked about a relationship or anything although she does reference doing things together when she is back from holiday. But she is back in just 10 days so I guess we can figure things out then.

She has been raving about what a good holiday she had with me and sent me a photo she had taken where she had written she misses me on the sand as she is on holiday with her parents and sister now. 

As for the sex if this does not progress into a serious relationship but we perhaps go from seeing each other once to perhaps twice a week when she is back and maybe do some shorter minibreaks given this one was quite successful. 

But I am a little spooked by the "I love you". I am growing very fond of her and she is very good company and very pretty and I feel very affectionate towards her and want to make her happy. And I do miss her. But love is a big word and it has only been 3 months....

 

See how it goes. Early days. Individuals show their true colours over time. Never be afraid to see things/people for what they are. Stay grounded and walk away if this isn’t for you regardless of “emotions”.