trying to save my Relationship, help :

[nemanja23]

Hi there,

And namely I need a psychological counseling around my relationship, more precisely.... because of my girlfriend.

We have been together for about 4 months and from the first moment it was wonderful and immediately moved in together.... We met each other's parents, she told everyone how she has never been so happy, I am the one and how she would never let me go.

The problem was that before me she had a difficult time, was treated badly by men, difficult childhood, from her environment she saw, as from her father also from others like how they cheated their wifes.

She blames herself for a lot of things that went wrong as a child and has been telling herself for years that she is not a person worthy of love, that she does not deserve love from others, etc.

During the time with me, even when she was so very happy, she was always skeptical, always asked how can I be such a person, to cuddle her constantly, so kind and lovly to her ? why am I so to her ? why do I love her so much ?

The more time went by, then came moments where she was convinced that I did not love her but simply endure (when I did something that she did not like ).

She wanted to know everything about my ex-girlfriends and was jealous in the end (without reason).

And every time she had doubted my love, brought always my ex in the game, as I could actually have something better, as it was wrong from her side with me immediately came together and should have dumpedt me so that I should run after her.

The more I loved her and the more beautiful it was with us, the stronger doubts came.

Shortly before everything collapsed we had another discussion (never a fight) again about how she thinks I don't love her (she drank a bit hehe) I told her that she is so important to me that I would even marry her right away, that I don't want to have any other...

Our last week was the most beautiful we had, especially the last evening (we were on vacation). She had to travel back earlier because of work while I had to stay a little longer because I used to live there and was still registered, had to take care of some documents.
On the complete return trip ( hers ) until she arrived, we wrote constantly, she sent me pictures constantly of us and how she already miss me now, that I should come back as soon as possible....

The next day, completely a different person !!!! She had only bad thoughts about me, told herself many things... looking for reasons that I don't love her but only used her... and that she doesn't believe me anymore.

Couple of days later, we clarified everything but she still doubted whether we should be together and was of the opinion that we should go separate ways....

She misses me every day, the cuddling, the everyday and all the little things that go with it.... And she wants it all somehow but she is afraid.

She thinks that I am very fixated on her because I don't know any other women in town except her (but I don't want any other, only her).
That she is very broken and that if we had children they would be suicidal.

That I should have no hope that we will ever find together again, but she would love to see me because I am still important to her.

Well, I don't know exactly what to think... she is a very big overthinker and always goes strongly into the negative especially about herself.

Is she pulling herself down?
Plays there ne very big fear and the nicer it was with both of us the bigger the fear became ? because of her bad experience and men picture from the environment.

She always said that someday I will cheat on her 100%, because all men are like that.

Or has she really finished and feels nothing more for me, from one day to the next.

I want to fight for her and show her that I love her more than anything and I don't care how difficult she is sometimes, that doesn't bother me because I love her the way she is.

How do you see it ?


thank you in advance for the answer and best regards

[FMW]

This is a whole lot of drama for only four months. There's already a pattern of her going to emotional extremes.  She's been very clear that she doesn't trust you (or any man) and has serious issues that challenge her emotional stability.  Moving in together so quickly and your desire to hold on to her regardless of all the very negative things she's said indicates you are drawn to the drama and dysfunction.   

If you choose to fight to keep the relationship going, this is what it's going to be like, at its best.  It's very possible it would even get worse.  You can't love her out of her issues.

[Maldives]

Unfortunately, it's not your job to teach her. She's definitely got a lot of baggage and trust issues that she needs to deal with before she can have a relationship. I was the same. Still  am to some extent because of my past but I know before I go into something again I have to really get on top of this because I sabotaged my last relationship. You can try and fight for her but I think it's a whole lot of drama. It can take years sometimes even longer, even a lifetime with some people to shed that kind of baggage. It's easier said than done. Obviously you've got strong feelings for her. Seeing the way I was and I was with my ex for 6 years and I carried that baggage and it didn't go away and she did nothing to give me reason to not trust her. I mean a few white lies here and there but still I sabotaged it. The bottom line, It's not for you to try and teach her  the skills to be open and trusting or fix her, she needs professional help. I think you're just going to have a whole lot of drama for a long time. 

Edited August 4, 2022 by Goodguy05

[introverted1]

On 8/3/2022 at 5:04 AM, nemanja23 said:

We have been together for about 4 months and from the first moment it was wonderful and immediately moved in together.

This is a huge red flag, OP. Emotionally healthy people don't operate like this.

You can't fix her.  And, gently, I think you have some work to do on yourself, too.  The emotional roller coaster you describe is more akin to addiction than actual love. 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/3/2022 at 5:04 AM, nemanja23 said:

We have been together for about 4 months and from the first moment it was wonderful and immediately moved in together..

Why did you move in together this soon?

[ExpatInItaly]

41 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

This is a huge red flag, OP. Emotionally healthy people don't operate like this.

You can't fix her.  And, gently, I think you have some work to do on yourself, too.  The emotional roller coaster you describe is more akin to addiction than actual love. 

I agree with all of the above. 

Respectfully, this is a trainwreck, OP. This can't and shouldn't be saved. Focus on getting yourself into a better, emotionally-healthy place. Then conider dating again, with someone who is also emotionally stable and steady. 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/3/2022 at 5:04 AM, nemanja23 said:

She wanted to know everything about my ex-girlfriends and was jealous in the end

It's ok to be brief and simply state "it didn't work out". Unfortunately she doesn't seem stable enough to have a relationship. Where did she move to?

[Versacehottie]

On 8/3/2022 at 2:27 AM, FMW said:

You can't love her out of her issues.

I was going to say almost exactly this...

It may feel slightly dramatic, magnetic and romantic to be someone's savior at first...but you can't fix her by loving her (or her loving you)...as you can see, after some initial period of euphoria, IMO you will not be able to get past her inherent (and significant) issues.

On 8/3/2022 at 2:04 AM, nemanja23 said:

The problem was that before me she had a difficult time, was treated badly by men, difficult childhood, from her environment she saw, as from her father also from others like how they cheated their wifes.

IMO, if someone starts a relationship with you bonding over all their hurts and their woes, it's almost guaranteed that they will repeat in YOUR relationship. It's a terrible thing to bond over this kind of stuff. Basically you are signing up for an emotional, drama-filled negative and heavy relationship. Also due to the savior role that was initially set out at the beginning, it's one-sided where anything goes wrong, her trust issues or negativity crops up and you are the fall guy. Not a good healthy relationship does that make. *it's a built in EXCUSE for EVERYTHING!

IMO, 4 months is pretty soon to move in together also..in other words, you two didn't know each other well enough to NOT know that this stuff would come up and affect your relationship. 

I think you should let her go; let her fix her issues alone and not THRU you....easy to see that she is just turning them onto you. Also she sounds like a bottomless pit with the jealousy stuff--I would NOT recommend signing up for this! Good luck

Edited August 4, 2022 by Versacehottie

[ShyViolet]

On 8/3/2022 at 5:04 AM, nemanja23 said:

We have been together for about 4 months and from the first moment it was wonderful and immediately moved in together.... 

This was very irresponsible and poor judgment on both your parts.  Emotionally healthy people don't do things like this.

This relationship is a mess and not going to last.  You need to get into therapy to work on your own issues and learn to make better decisions in relationships.