Potential Long Distance Relationship and Gauging Interest

[urazn]

Hey everyone, I don’t normally post on forums because generally people can be really harsh or mean when it comes to providing advice. I’m posting because I do genuinely want opinions but since I’m new, please be kind.

I’m trying to gauge the interest level of a woman I met on dating app/site okcupid that I'm thinking about pursuing but uncertain about. She sent me a request last Thursday and we started chatting after matching that day while I was at work. It was a very high match as well (not sure if it means anything). At this point, I should say she doesn’t live near me, I live in Australia and she lives in New Zealand. The conversation flowed really well that on that day that she asked me if I wanted to switch to WhatsApp and she gave me her number. Since then, we’ve been chatting every day and we started following each other on Instagram. Our conversations each day varied in length given the four hour time difference and our schedules, sometimes us talking was staggered during the day. They would often be between 9am my time (1pm hers) and 3pm (7pm hers). During this week, we have become quite familiar with each other, talked a lot about our lives and backgrounds, nothing seemed uncomfortable and its been quite good. 

She gives an impression of being interested (I know some of these sound silly):
-We both know that we want serious relationships
-She knows the kind of person she wants and to her, I fit
-she always says “you’re so funny”, often says "you make me laugh so much" and she uses a lot of laughing emojis
-she always says “you’re so cute” after we have told each other that we think the other is cute
-she’ll call me a dork
-she’ll tease me 
-She’ll share pictures and video from her life without me asking
-we moved from texting on whatsapp to having voice recording conversations (no phone conversations/ video yet)
-we have inside jokes
-she has a pet name for me that came from a joke and will sometimes preface it as “my (so and so)”
-she has talked about us meeting but unplanned at this stage

There is uncertainty though:
-she doesn’t initiate conversation a lot of the time but the conversation still ends up being good
-her responses are often short or emojis
-she’ll come online on whatsapp then go offline a lot so I wonder if she wants to talk
-other times she's online on whatsapp for extended periods but doesn't say anything
-on occasion she won’t reply
-sometimes I feel like I’m dominating the conversation but at the same time she dominates with voice recordings so I don’t know.

There aren’t many uncertainties but there’s enough for me. Of course there are reasons why she might do something like not say hi even though she's online for a long time. It may also mean nothing. You might ask why would I want to be interested in someone not near me. I didn’t plan it. I’ve also had cross country relationships that worked and resulted in us coming together so I know it can work. The other thing is that she has kids which obviously come first, so I don’t get annoyed when she forgets to reply.

I know it’s only been a week but is this worth pursuing, at least slowly to see how it goes? Are my worries unfounded? The way I’ve experienced what’s happening is that generally its positive, but my overthinking might be getting in the way. I don't want to dump this over distance if it seems positive to begin with. Sorry if this is a bit long.

[glows]

From your conversations with her it seems she’s interested but mildly and she’s not going to be head over heels over someone she’s never met or place too much weight in anything you say. 

I see you’re looking for a girlfriend or a relationship and may be able to take it further and emotionally invest in something virtual whereas someone else …literally, emotionally cannot. There are a lot of people who simply do not cross that boundary or are unable to cross into the fantasy of an online relationship without having met. 

In your best interests and given it’s a week, take care of your heart. You seem to have a lot of love to give someone deserving of it. Only time will tell if she is on the same page as you.

Edited August 3, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, urazn said:

She sent me a request last Thursday. I live in Australia and she lives in New Zealand (no phone conversations/ video yet)

Whenever someone contacts you from a distance it's a red flag so proceed with caution.  Do not invest in someone you can't meet up with in a timely fashion or on a regular basis. Why not bow out of this and date locally? 

[Els]

I mean... on the one hand, if you are already sensing potential problems now, it could well be your gut telling you that this isn't right for you. On the other hand, Australia and New Zealand are so close both geographically and politically that I wouldn't worry about the distance as much as I would for most other countries. You two can even work in each others' countries without a visa, plane tickets are awfully cheap and you're just crossing the ditch.  It's really not so much an international relationship as it is an interstate relationship in my opinion (yes, I am aware of the "just another state" joke ).

That being said, don't you think it's a bit premature to be analysing this to such a degree when you haven't even had a video call?

Edited August 3, 2022 by Elswyth

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

I wouldn't worry about the distance as much as I would for most other countries

I disagree that an international dating situation requiring a 5 hour flight is a viable situation worth pursuing. 4157.41 km./Miles: 2583.3 miles. Nautical Miles: 2243.34 NM. ✈️ Estimated flight time: 4.56 hours.

Edited August 3, 2022 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

If you were Syd or Melb based, it's a hop, skip and a jump to NZ.  But the time difference tells me that you're west coast and this will indeed blow out the flight time and probably make it quite difficult.... and that's without travel to and from the airports for each of you.   Further complicating the issue, she won't easily be able to visit you because she likely can't leave her kids behind, but bringing them adds significant cost to the flight....so you'd be the one doing most of the travel.

Proceed with caution. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Australia and New Zealand are so close both geographically and politically that I wouldn't worry about the distance

Given that they are 4 hours apart in terms of time zones, I don't think the distance is insignificant even though they are in neighbouring countries. 

OP, I would proceed with caution and explore local options. This one is far enough away that it could be difficult to sustain. Try not to get all wrapped up in messaging and sweet words when you still don't know the person. It creates too much false intimacy and too many unrealistic expectations. 

[Els]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Given that they are 4 hours apart in terms of time zones, I don't think the distance is insignificant even though they are in neighbouring countries.

To be clear, I said "I wouldn't worry about the distance as much as I would for most other countries". The 2nd half of the sentence is rather important.

H and I were in a LDR that required a 12 hour flight, so I suppose that colors my estimation of distance to an extent. And indeed, if the OP was in WA, then that would be a longer flight than if they were in the eastern states. But as I said, it's no different from, say, an interstate relationship in the US where one is from the west coast and the other from the east coast.

That all being said... I'm not sure what the point of debating this is, when the OP has not even made a video call to her yet.

[justwhoiam]

"-she doesn’t initiate conversation a lot of the time but the conversation still ends up being good" > typical
"-her responses are often short or emojis" > what's wrong with that?
"-she’ll come online on whatsapp then go offline a lot so I wonder if she wants to talk" > she might have to move for lunch, then drive back home, or take care of kids, etc.
"-other times she's online on whatsapp for extended periods but doesn't say anything" > she's probably talking to other people, that includes other men just like you
"-on occasion she won’t reply" > see above (hopefully that's not to avoid some boring exchange)
-sometimes I feel like I’m dominating the conversation but at the same time she dominates with voice recordings so I don’t know.

Honestly, I don't see anything dominating in anything you do. On the contrary. You sound pretty beta. This has been going on for a while. She gave you her phone number. You didn't call her once. Interest level: 2 or 3 out of 10. Fun to waste some time with, but that's it.

Men who are into a woman behave differently. They escalate things a bit, not to end up in her friends zone. And make sure she's not married with kids. Ask her to call you before she goes to sleep so you can say goodnight, say you don't want to ring her phone while kids are in bed. Or... just move on and pursue another woman! (Yes, pursue, in most cases that's what you'll have to do). Do something, gain something.

Edited August 18, 2022 by justwhoiam