I'm getting jealous of friends?

[Applejuice87]

I'm not sure what I'm doing here but I guess I wanted some feedback from someone that I don't know about my situation.

Here goes. I've me this girl about 4 moths ago at work, so I see her almost every day. We've had mostly group outings together and one 1-on-1 lunch. She laughs at every joke I make, even the ones that are not funny. We can hold eye contact sometimes and just smile for like 5 seconds until someone comes and breaks it up. In texting, it's the same thing. I consistently can make her smile/laugh every single day. We are flirting and roasting each other. She makes fun of me and vice versa publicly with other people around. She does not do this with even other girls, forget guys. There is no problem with conversation. We have similarities but also differences which we discuss like philosophy. She's not dating anyone and not hanging out with any guy friends, but she is a social butterfly. She's always going out with friends.

I finally asked her out (through text), but she ends up making excuses like she is busy that weekend (she is because she planned it ahead with her girlfriends). If it was once or twice, I'd understand but I've asked her out like 3-4 times now. Then, eventually she asked me out to a concert. She asked me what kind of music I like and also what bands, so we both agreed to a concert. Then... she also invited her friends to come - 2 girls. That concert is a month from now. I asked her if she wanted to do anything else, even another concert. She told me two concerts is too much or too expensive. Apparently, she already bought tickets to this other concert (which was yesterday), months ago with her friend. Then the weekend before that, she had gone to see a show at a theatre which is literally 1 min from my house! Each weekend, she has plans which I suppose she had planned way ahead of time? I have no clue. I guess I'm getting jealous of her friends but I'm not even dating her nor is she my girlfriend. I just don't know what's going on. If she's not interested - cool, I'll understand and move on. I just don't get the mix signals. Why the flirting, roasting, and laughing if she doesn't want to date? Then, I asked her again if she wanted to hangout on a weekend (any weekend before the concert). She then basically organized some picnic and canoe stuff again with friends that I'm invited to. All I know is that the places she goes to and the things she does for fun - I also do them. I get FOMO (fear of missing out), just from knowing that she went to a concert with her friends without me.

Is she just not ready and wants to hang out with me only in a group? It's just a bit frustrating. I should add that there is some general Asian culture influence - we're both in our 30s, virgin, we don't believe in sex or living together before marriage. I've dated about 5 different girls and just a lot of first dates. I have no idea about her, each time the topic is brought up it's like she has never dated anyone before. I'm also the type of person who only focuses on 1 girl at a time. I don't date multiple people at the same time nor even think about other girls when I'm focused on one only.

Am I just overthinking it and getting impatient? Just normal jealousy and insecurity? I want her to have fun with friends but I feel like that if you like someone, you put in effort to hanging out with them. I don't know. Any thoughts?

Edited August 3, 2022 by Applejuice87

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Applejuice87 said:

Am I just overthinking it and getting impatient? Just normal jealousy and insecurity? I want her to have fun with friends but I feel like that if you like someone, you put in effort to hanging out with them. I don't know. Any thoughts?

She’s either disinterested or immature. Both aren’t in your favour. Think back and see whether you’re usually drawn to these kinds of people who flirt and flake or give mixed signals. 

Overall, she seems to consider you a friend but you’re not someone she’s interested in dating romantically. 

[Applejuice87]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

She’s either disinterested or immature. Both aren’t in your favour. Think back and see whether you’re usually drawn to these kinds of people who flirt and flake or give mixed signals. 

Overall, she seems to consider you a friend but you’re not someone she’s interested in dating romantically. 

I agree with you. I think I'm just friendzoned. The question though is if she's just not ready to date because of lack of experience so she wants to hang out in group first or something else? She has no other guy friends. As for me, I'm drawn to people that have a good sense of humor. I don't think this counts as flaking because she didn't cancel plans that she made with me. She just makes excuses that she has plans (which she does legitly), but never puts in effort to make plans with me. I'll stick around I guess even with her friends tagging along.

Edited August 3, 2022 by Applejuice87

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Applejuice87 said:

I've me this girl about 4 moths ago at work, I've asked her out like 3-4 times now.

If she keeps saying no to dates, you need to leave her alone. Since you work together she could file a sexual harassment case.

If you want to be friends, fine, but she does not want to date. It would be best to distance yourself and date outside of work.

Edited August 3, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Applejuice87]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

If she keeps saying no to dates, you need to leave her alone. Since you work together she could file a sexual harassment case.

If you want to be friends, fine, but she does not want o date. It would be best to distance yourself and date outside of work.

I understand that but she didn't say no. She always says "another time" but "busy this weekend". She continues to flirt and roast me. If she is not interested, then shouldn't she also just keep it cool and just say "no thanks"? For the record, I've stopped asking her. Sometimes I just don't know though when a guy needs to be assertive and just ask or play it cool. I've been playing it cool for a long time.

Edited August 3, 2022 by Applejuice87

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Applejuice87 said:

I agree with you. I think I'm just friendzoned. The question though is if she's just not ready to date because of lack of experience so she wants to hang out in group first or something else. She has no other guy friends. As for me, I'm drawn to people that have a good sense of humor. I don't think this counts as flaking because she didn't cancel plans that she made with me. She just makes excuses that she has plans (which she does legitly), but never puts in effort to make plans with me.

That still reads as flaky: seemingly interested, not really interested. I’m certain she knows your intentions and toys with you. Or, just likes the feeling of being pursued. As you work together she may be treating you with caution and treading lightly as it may affect both your work/positions. 

Enjoy her company but have some limits. You don’t always have to go out with her or her friends. Step back and let her put in more effort. You’ve already tried. If she doesn’t want you she doesn’t have you. Keep it simple. Don’t worry over her. Meet other women.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Applejuice87 said:

 I just don't know though when a guy needs to be assertive and just ask or play it cool. 

When a coworker is polite and uses "busy" rather than "no" you need to back off and take the hint. It's not the time to be assertive. It doesn't matter if she is flirty/friendly. 

[Applejuice87]

Yes, you're both right. Just have to ignore and mind my own business. I definitely won't be asking her out again. The ball is in her court and I'll play it cool, only go if invited. Thanks for the advice.

[BaileyB]

However you look at it, her priority seems to be her friends. Perhaps, she is inviting you along as a friend. Perhaps, she is mildly interested and wanting to get to know you socially within the security of her peer group - I don’t know your culture, you would know better. But, whether she is interested or not, she seems to have a busy social life and she is slotting you in either with/or after her friends. So, take that as your cue…

[Applejuice87]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

However you look at it, her priority seems to be her friends. Perhaps, she is inviting you along as a friend. Perhaps, she is mildly interested and wanting to get to know you socially within the security of her peer group - I don’t know your culture, you would know better. But, whether she is interested or not, she seems to have a busy social life and she is slotting you in either with/or after her friends. So, take that as your cue…

Yes, that's why I'll tag along with the friends anyways since it helps getting to know her better. Whatever happens, happens. I will just enjoy the ride.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she likes the attention but is not acutally very interested. 

I would take a step back and keep your options open for more available women. 

[Acacia98]

OP, without knowing more about this woman, it's hard to say why exactly she's treating you the way she is. Since you guys apparently come from a conservative culture, it's conceivable that she would want to socialize with you in a group context before agreeing to date or anything.

On the other hand, maybe you don't really know her as well as you think you do. Maybe there is a guy somewhere and she's just really private about that. Or maybe she's asexual. Or maybe she's LGBT and is struggling to figure all of that out within the context of a conservative culture. Or maybe she's not seeing someone and enjoys the attention she gets from you but isn't actually interested in you. Or maybe she really doesn't want to date you but doesn't know how to be assertive and clear in her "No."

I also have to say that the fact that you asked her out via text wasn't encouraging. If you had asked her out face-to-face, you might have been able to tell how she felt about you from her response. Playing it too cool may feel safe, but it could also waste your time. You see, when you play it cool, you don't get a full-on rejection, but then again, you can't tell how the person actually feels about you and end up asking them out several times and still getting an ambiguous response.

[Applejuice87]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

OP, without knowing more about this woman, it's hard to say why exactly she's treating you the way she is. Since you guys apparently come from a conservative culture, it's conceivable that she would want to socialize with you in a group context before agreeing to date or anything.

On the other hand, maybe you don't really know her as well as you think you do. Maybe there is a guy somewhere and she's just really private about that. Or maybe she's asexual. Or maybe she's LGBT and is struggling to figure all of that out within the context of a conservative culture. Or maybe she's not seeing someone and enjoys the attention she gets from you but isn't actually interested in you. Or maybe she really doesn't want to date you but doesn't know how to be assertive and clear in her "No."

I also have to say that the fact that you asked her out via text wasn't encouraging. If you had asked her out face-to-face, you might have been able to tell how she felt about you from her response. Playing it too cool may feel safe, but it could also waste your time. You see, when you play it cool, you don't get a full-on rejection, but then again, you can't tell how the person actually feels about you and end up asking them out several times and still getting an ambiguous response.

Yea, there are a lot of "maybes". There's no other guy anywhere though. We are connected on social media and there are no other guys even that she follows. She's been asked by other friends also regarding her orientation - she's straight and also whether she has a bf - she doesn't. As for being asexual, could be but shouldn't change anything about hanging out or dating.

You're right, but it's hard to just go up to someone during work and ask them out which is why I had to use text. I don't see her outside of work unless it's group outing or we run into each other randomly. Asking her out in front of other people also puts a lot of pressure on her so I'd rather not do that. There are a lot of opportunities this year and more events. The next time I hang out with her socially will be a concert, so I can see if she wants to do anything else.

Note also that I did ask her out for lunch and she did respond with a enthusiastic "yes! sure". That however was just during work. Outside of work, she responds with "not this weekend". Then, if I say "another weekend", she'll respond with "yes! sure" but does not then provide what weekend would be good, so I just say "Ok no problem" and stop there. I don't ask further questions. I will say that she isn't lying though - she DOES have legit plans over the weekend but with friends that are other girls.

The conservative culture does have an influence. We both live in North America but were not born there. It's not THAT conservative though. We are both liberal in our views. In our culture, if you are going to date someone, you are basically dating to marry. Everyone is different though, so I can't assume but that is the difference between "hanging out" and "dating". It's not casual dating. She lives with her parents who would probably make a big deal if they saw a guy in her social media or a picture of her with another guy. However, when we go out, she always wants a picture. She was the one who took a picture of us together but that picture is also not on her social media. Even just hugging a guy would be very awkward and an invasion of personal privacy even if close friends. Shaking hands though is fine as professionals but we're not even doing that really here either.

Edited August 4, 2022 by Applejuice87

[smackie9]

This has nothing to do with culture....you are in the friends zone. When they give your excuses, they are not interested. You already asked her out 4 to 5 times...it's a no plain and simple. And yes she likes the attention....most girls do. Cut her off. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Applejuice87 said:

Yea, there are a lot of "maybes". There's no other guy anywhere though. We are connected on social media and there are no other guys even that she follows. She's been asked by other friends also regarding her orientation - she's straight and also whether she has a bf - she doesn't. As for being asexual, could be but shouldn't change anything about hanging out or dating.

You're right, but it's hard to just go up to someone during work and ask them out which is why I had to use text. I don't see her outside of work unless it's group outing or we run into each other randomly. Asking her out in front of other people also puts a lot of pressure on her so I'd rather not do that. There are a lot of opportunities this year and more events. The next time I hang out with her socially will be a concert, so I can see if she wants to do anything else.

Note also that I did ask her out for lunch and she did respond with a enthusiastic "yes! sure". That however was just during work. Outside of work, she responds with "not this weekend". Then, if I say "another weekend", she'll respond with "yes! sure" but does not then provide what weekend would be good, so I just say "Ok no problem" and stop there. I don't ask further questions. I will say that she isn't lying though - she DOES have legit plans over the weekend but with friends that are other girls.

The conservative culture does have an influence. We both live in North America but were not born there. It's not THAT conservative though. We are both liberal in our views. In our culture, if you are going to date someone, you are basically dating to marry. Everyone is different though, so I can't assume but that is the difference between "hanging out" and "dating". It's not casual dating. She lives with her parents who would probably make a big deal if they saw a guy in her social media or a picture of her with another guy. However, when we go out, she always wants a picture. She was the one who took a picture of us together but that picture is also not on her social media. Even just hugging a guy would be very awkward and an invasion of personal privacy even if close friends. Shaking hands though is fine as professionals but we're not even doing that really here either.

It seems vague. I hear you that culture can play a role and the conservative culture in other parts are vastly different to western approaches. She's been vague and non-committal about meeting for any dates and it may very well be true that she doesn't know enough about you to want to publicize or show that she's seeing you or meeting with you on one on one meetings even as friends as it could be misconstrued as something else.

If she lives with her parents, she's that much open to question from her family about where she goes or who she goes out with. You don't know what her relationship is like with them either unless you know her very well or she's talked about them.

It's likely best to set your sights on dating someone else more compatible with you who is more interested, not someone you work with and who doesn't have any issues about what family or coworkers think (more freedom to date). 

[flitzanu]

if you're asking out a girl and you get an answer that is anything other than "yes" it means "no"

[Applejuice87]

Just an update. It seems everyone was right. It turns out she did have a boyfriend (someone she's known since high school). She didn't tell anyone (even after co-workers had asked if she was dating anyone or whether she had a boyfriend. I know since this was asked in front of me.). She didn't put any pics of her boyfriend on social media nor does she follow her own bf on social media. It's pretty weird and I was surprised when I found out but glad I did. She also flirts with others too, usually younger boys. I guess I never knew her afterall and just got played. A person at work can be completely different outside of work. There were a lot of opportunities for her to just say that she had a boyfriend or she's bringing a boyfriend, but she kept using the term, "friend" which is what confused me. I'm still not sure why she flirted with me or invited me to stuff knowing that this is misleading. It's my fault for misinterpreting signals and feel a bit foolish. I guess my radar is not that great haha. I did feel a little sting in the heart but that's always the case. After seeing what I've seen, there's not anything in this world that can happen to change my mind about her now. In any case, I've learned from this and glad I never told her I liked her.

On a positive side, I'm already seeing and dating other people, someone who is willing to make plans and keep them.

Edited August 23, 2022 by Applejuice87