rubikshoulddie Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 I want to get engaged. I think this is reasonable. Here are my reasons: 1) When my boyfriend graduated college, we made the decision to move from CT to VA together, although I am living on campus (I am a 2nd semester sophomore) 2) He wants to get an apartment together this January. Originally, I had said I would only live with him if we were engaged, but I do want to live with him, so I'm having a really hard time putting my foot down. We've already checked out some places and are putting in an application this week. 3) He seemed really into getting engaged while I was still in high school and his family did not like me -- basically, when it was completely unreasonable. We even looked at rings once, completely at his urging. At this point, we are both out of our parent's houses and his family loves me, so it seems much more practical. 4) He can afford to get me a "nice" ring, although size doesn't matter so much to me as the thought he puts into the actual asking. 5) This is the only downside: I am still in college, and I am only 19. I will be 20 in March. We have been together for 2 1/2 years. We have been through a lot together though, from his family not liking me and getting in some trouble together, to thinking we were pregnant, to having a friend get permanantly injured in a car accident. I feel like moving here, 500 miles from my family, friends, and support group, to be with him, is a big commitment. Am I being unfair in wanting to see an equal commitment from him? I know he loves me and will ask me eventually, but I'm just getting so disappointed and frustrated. It's like every romantic date or place we go to, I'm half expecting him to pull out a ring and propose. It's getting very demoralizing realizing each time that he isn't going to. Is there anything I can/should say/do to get him to speed it up a little? Or should I just trust him to fully commit with no official engagement? Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 Honestly, I think you'd be happier long term staying in your dorm and completing your education before you make any decisions about getting married. You are only 19, sorry to say, but imo a person should probably have their own life (residence, career, financial responsibilities) before they make such a big commitment. You've have been through a lot with your bf, but this is still a transitional time for you. You both may meet new people and change your mind about eachother. You may decide to transfer to another school that is better suited for the degree that you are seeking. Ask him how he feels about getting married and when he will be ready to do so. Tell him how you feel. If you don't want to move in with him unless you are engaged, then don't. Trying to cement your relationship by demanding he get engaged to you won't work in the long run. If he still hedges on the engagement issue in another year or two, you need to think about what is more important to you long term--being in a relationship with him (regardless if you're married or not) or being with someone who feels the same way about marriage that you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamrick Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 Why did you first want to be engaged before moving in with him? Why has that changed? You need to think about the pros and cons of both and make sure you have considered ALL your options. It is common to want to rush things - have you thought through all the way til you are least thirty and preferably beyond - its a long time. Issues you should have discussed include - your studies and what you hope to do after you have finished studying. His job and what he plans to do for the rest of his life. Do you both want children and if so when? What advantages are there for each of you in living together and if you don't where will you live and what are the advantages in that? Make sure you have thought everything through before making a decision. Don't do something just because it is convenient or seems right at the time. You are not too young to get married - but are you mature enough? Only you can know that and then you must ask the same of your boyfriend. Good luck. Hope to hear how it goes. (By the way I feel the same about wanting to get engaged - just make sure its the whole package you want and not just the engagement or the wedding) Link to post Share on other sites
Author rubikshoulddie Posted October 25, 2005 Author Share Posted October 25, 2005 Maybe I did not give enough background about the two of us...basically, we really have discussed all the ins and outs of getting married and having a family. We've decided on 3-4 kids, small wedding, moving out to the country to buy our house before we settle down. He has a great job now and he's very happy with it, so hopefully that'll last for us, not to mention he's working on his master's part-time. As for my education, I'm a psych major, I would really like to work in the prison system someday (I know it seems odd, it's a whole other story). It's funny because he pushes me to do more with my education -- I never really wanted to get a master's or anything, but he really wants me to keep that option open. We've also decided (mutually) that when we do have kids, I will stay home with them, at least part-time. So we're definately both in this for the long run. I should also probably mention that he's a recovering alcoholic, although I did not know him while he was going through rehab and whatnot. However, the whole thing kind of aged us both a bit. Because of it, he doesn't go to bars or anything and, out of solidarity, I won't drink either. It's really the moving in without being engaged that seems to be at the root of my anxiety. It's kind of a values thing, but I guess more than that I just always had in my head that that's the way it goes: engagement, move in together, get married. But I really do want to live with him, so it's hard to stick to that. His lease is up in January (he has a roommate he isn't a big fan of right now) and I would be between semesters in the dorms. He's my biggest support so far away from home and it would be nice to be able to go home after a stressful day and just watch TV with him or something...I mean, my roommate's great and the dorms are ok, but it isn't home. Home is with him. I'm not even saying I want to get married right away. We probably won't get married until the summer before I graduate (which should be December 2008). I just feel like I have given him this huge commitment coming down here to be with him, then move in with him, he should give me some commitment in return. Although I guess he committed to me, too, by trusting me to come down here. I don't know, I'm just getting sick of this ants-in-my-pants waiting feeling. I feel like I'm in limbo, like I know we're getting married in the next couple years, but I can't plan for it. It's making me nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted October 25, 2005 Share Posted October 25, 2005 Marry in haste, repent at leisure. Don't be in such a rush. Link to post Share on other sites
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