Unhappy single girl

[Calmandfocused]

39 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

No, they always say that I meet all requirements. We were very similar. They just don't feel it. Maybe I'm too nice and boring? I may not give to much wrong emotions. One guy told me that he was very into toxic dram queens and I'm always nice.

I’m going to be honest with you. These were my thoughts why these men are losing interest.

”Guarded” people tend to come across to me as serious, hard work,  a bit cold, and emotionally constipated. 
 

It’s very difficult to relax, be yourself and build a connection with someone who has a 10ft brick wall built all around them. 
 

Drop your guard. Ease yourself up a little, show spontaneity, and show that you are fun. It is possible to be open and engaging without being needy. 
 

Beautiful women are a dime a dozen. A beautiful, successful women whose confident, warm, kind and a pleasure to be around is worth its weight in gold. 

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

The crux of it is that you just have to decide what is most important to you, and be willing to make a few sacrifices for it if it comes down to that.

Is it the children? You don't necessarily need a husband, or a man, or even a partner (of any gender) to have children, if that's your primary goal. I understand that you said you want the whole shebang, but is it really the husband that you want, or do you just think you need to have a husband to have children because that's what society has always told you? Sperm is cheap - it is the uterus that is the limiting factor in having biological children, and fortunately for you, you already have that.

Alternatively, are you willing to consider adopted children? This would remove the timeline pressure, and you could just meet a man and adopt at a much older age than you could have bio kids at.

Otherwise, is it the husband that is most important? Are you willing to marry a husband who doesn't want kids, or who already has kids that you can be a stepmother to?

Or, is it having a long-term partner that you are attracted to and shares your goals, lifestyle, etc? How important is marriage/kids to you in that context?

Basically, we all try to have everything that we want, but generally speaking most adults don't get literally everything that they want in life. It may come to the point where you may need to prioritize certain things over others.

Very good points. 

[Amanda92]

Husband is more important than children. For me being a single mom would be a disaster. I wouldn't date someone with children, but I start thinking that maybe a divorced guy would be okay. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't want children because it's like different values.

I know that sometimes I need to accept someone who is not like I planned. For example the last guy was 15 years older even if in the past I never wanted to date someone this age.

Edited August 4, 2022 by Amanda92

[Els]

8 minutes ago, Amanda92 said:

Husband is more important than children. For me being a single mom would be a disaster. I wouldn't date someone with children, but I start thinking that maybe a divorced guy would be okay. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't want children because it's like different values.

Okay. Are you perhaps willing to wait for this person (even if it puts you over childbearing age), and then consider adoption as an option? Or perhaps reconsider the importance of physical appearance to you?

Again, I'm not saying you need to do either of the above things, but it's good to have your priorities in mind so that you know what you can compromise on and what you can't.

On a tangential note, I should probably mention that I think it's somewhat limiting to exclude both people with children AND people who don't want children, especially in your 30s - most will have one or the other. It's your prerogative to decide of course, but you are cutting out a huge chunk of the demographic with both requirements.

Edited August 4, 2022 by Elswyth

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Amanda92 said:

Husband is more important than children. For me being a single mom would be a disaster. I wouldn't date someone with children, but I start thinking that maybe a divorced guy would be okay. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't want children because it's like different values.

I know that sometimes I need to accept someone who is not like I planned. For example the last guy was 15 years older even if in the past I never wanted to date someone this age.

If this was from online, why did you date someone 15 yrs older?  Did they lie on profile? Most dating sites have age filters.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

If this was from online, why did you date someone 15 yrs older?  Did they lie on profile? Most dating sites have age filters.

I agree and it sounds like now you are willing to settle.  Is that true?

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

 I think it's more like my behavior. I'm always a bit distant in the beginning, I let a guy to lead, he is into me, so I start opening myself and when I'm ready to put 100% efforts, their feelings are gone. 

I think this could well be a problem.  In my experience of relationships, men are no different to women in that they want someone who seems to be very fond of them, who is emotionally available and ready to connect.  Thinking logically, why would a guy bother further with a woman who doesn't let him in?

I'm wondering what's happening for you during this phase.  For example, are you deliberately keeping them at a distance to avoid getting hurt?  Or perhaps you really aren't into them?  Something else?    

And how long does it take you to open up and put in 100%?

Edited August 4, 2022 by basil67

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

One guy told me that he was very into toxic drama queens and I'm always nice.

What do you mean by you're "always nice”?   

There IS such a thing as being 'too nice,' which basically means being too afraid to “rock the boat” (an American phrase which means SPEAK UP) when things trouble you or you feel disrespected or anything your boyfriend does you’re uncomfortable with or angered by.

It also means not enforcing proper boundaries or asserting yourself (again when warranted) for fear of turning a man off.  In men's minds it reflects weakness, a pushover.  It typically results in the exact opposite of what many women believe.  

Women think the same about men when they’re also too nice, there have been books written about it.

For men, it’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” and for women it’s “Why Men Love B*tches.” 

For women, that doesn’t mean she should be or act like a b*tch literally, it only means men love, cherish and respect women who love and value themselves which includes speaking and standing up for yourself when it’s warranted.  That doesn't mean raging about it or tossing out accusations, but don't keep it bottled up either, don't attempt to play the "cool girl" for fear it will turn him off.

No one is perfect and there will be times when your boyfriend will do something that doesn’t sit well with you or they disrespect you.  This is not uncommon.  Contrary to popular belief, men DO like to be "called out on their shyt" (so to speak) and respect women who can do so calmly and rationally without throwing a major fit.

So I am curious how you react when this happens?  Do you try and “make nice” and shuffle troubling things under the carpet?    Do you play the “cool girl” who is agreeable about everything and compliant even when a man steps out of line occasionally?   Whether intentional or unintentional?

I don’t know, I am only asking the question.   But think about it and if you do, that may be why men are turning off to you around the 3-month mark.

Trust me a good row now and again can be a good thing!  That does NOT mean you should pick fights, it only means, again to speak and stand up for yourself when warranted, don’t be afraid to rock the boat.

Be strong, while simultaneously being soft and feminine (girly).  Men love that combination.

My boyfriends always have anyway.  

I just got married two weeks ago.  💗

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

I think @poppyfields is onto something.  My husband and his mates have all married strong women who have opinions.  Our strength ranges from calling them out on bad behaviour to  negotiating plans so that they equally suit us.   The guys who've ended up at this point have all previously gotten bored with women who just go along with anything. 

To be clear, you don't want to be a "toxic drama queen" (the guy who told you that this he wants is likely looking for a relationship that the rest of us would think is terrible. You are lucky that he ended it).  But don't be afraid to have an opinion or to respectfully disagree with stuff which doesn't work for you.

[Ami1uwant]

There is a difference between being a b**** and being strong and opionated..

 

if you are the type that just agrees and doesn’t discuss or debate things or doesn’t have a good conversation because you always agree.

 

im turned off it seems I’m the one who initiates and plan what we did and was the one suggesting things.

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

There is a difference between being a b**** and being strong and opionated..

Re the book I referenced "Men Who Love B*tches," again that does NOT mean a woman should be a b*tch as it's typically defined.  It was a colloquialism of sorts, not meant to be taken literally.  

@Amanda92, I strong suggest you read the book, you can find on Amazon.com.  It may help you if you find yourself afraid to assert yourself and/or being too agreeable to everything and "too nice."  

Re being strong and opinionated, 'too strong and too opinionated' is not good either.

Strive for balance.  

 

24 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But don't be afraid to have an opinion or to respectfully disagree with stuff which doesn't work for you.

Well said.

 

Edited August 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Re the book I referenced "Men Who Love B*tches," again that does NOT mean a woman should be a b*tch as it's typically defined.  It was a colloquialism of sorts, not meant to be taken literally.  

@Amanda92, I strong suggest you read the book, you can find on Amazon.com.  It may help you if you find yourself afraid to assert yourself and/or being too agreeable to everything and "too nice."  

Re being strong and opinionated, 'too strong and too opinionated' is not good either.

Strive for balance.  

 

Well said.

 

there are two other books

 

have him at hello by Rachelgrernwald

and

Mary Him  by Lori Gotleib 

 

both books Have some overlap but the touch on the broader issues at play likely  here.

 

 

 

[rosean]

Sorry you're experiencing this.

The problems you're having are pretty common for online dating regardless of age.

It's easy to connect with single people but hard to find something that sticks - I've had this problem as a very attractive female and I know very good looking men who are having the same problem. The reality is  people are looking for someone who is quite similar and familiar to them for a longer term commitment - this just naturally gets difficult to form/find as you get older for both genders.

 Add in that both partners have to also want and be ready - even more tricky!

Also, we are usually drawn to a certain type of person based on our psychology.  Some men are picky as hell and very specific, whilst others aren't too fussed as long as the woman meets a minimum threshold when it comes to looks and character. 

There could also be other important factors  -  values, religion, distance, personality, how you two work together, maturity. An emotional connection is also valued by some people very highly and this is hard to form without it feeling like effort unless you're seeing the person consistently or if the initial chemistry is there. 

Then you have to also consider some people are just emotionally unavailable. 

You need to observe their actions and stay true to your beliefs. If you have an expectation, voice it. Keep your standards. 

 

 

 

Edited August 5, 2022 by rosean
New text to add

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Amanda92 said:

 I start thinking that maybe a divorced guy would be okay. I wouldn't marry someone who doesn't want children.

Make sure your dating portfolio is varied. That means in addition to quality dating apps (try at least one paid app, eharmony is marketed as a 'relationship' app, for example) you'll need to broaden your horizons.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness. Take some classes and courses. Meet men in real life as well.

Do you have your own place, car etc?

Also review your matching criteria and qualifications. Be realistic about distance and other demographics. At 30, you may have to be open minded about divorced men.

Make sure you're not coming off as husband hunting because the clock is ticking.  It's a turn off. It's important to like each other first.

 

[Ami1uwant]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Make sure your dating portfolio is varied. That means in addition to quality dating apps (try at least one paid app, eharmony is marketed as a 'relationship' app, for example) you'll need to broaden your horizons.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness. Take some classes and courses. Meet men in real life as well.

Do you have your own place, car etc?

Also review your matching criteria and qualifications. Be realistic about distance and other demographics. At 30, you may have to be open minded about divorced men.

Make sure you're not coming off as husband hunting because the clock is ticking.  It's a turn off. It's important to like each other first.

 

Unless there something else going on here that she hasn’t shared, I don’t think the issue is matching online

shes going 10+ dates with them before it ends.

 

maybe she’s not screening people properly at the start, then 10 dates in she sees things she doesn’t like and tries to change them. Thrn they pull away and break up without a direct confrontation because she seems like a nice person..

[smackie9]

There is no doubt men do like a woman that can hold her own, but they also like to Visually SEE her soft feminine, flirty fun side. Soft long curls, frilly summer dress, light makeup, etc. That's the whole package right there...being able to look like a lady but can relate to a man and their interests. 

[Ami1uwant]

Another thought came to my mind.  Early on a guy focuses on the new woman. At some point when they feel like they are a couple he might want to revert to his old ways like wanting to get together with the guys or do things he is interest in. He might revert to his typical routines which us not always going out to dinner.  
 

this also means he might not drop everything to respond toher texts. He might start showing things about him like stress from work.

 

she could be doing this too.  
 

you are seeing the real person vs the one that courted you.

[Lotsgoingon]

What excites you about life and about your life in particular?

You can put a lot of pressure to act differently on a date and the problem there is that doing so can (not always) create more insecurity and more inauthenticity.

A different approach is seems to me is to get into your life. Your excitement about your life is attraction. But I'm guessing that you are hiding on dates, not sharing what excites you about life. Hiding doesn't work. Before you know it, you're with someone just not right for you.

So I ask: what about life and your life excites you? Get clear on that and share that and you'll build your own esteem and confidence. And you'll possibly attract people who get you. 

[Maldives]

On 8/5/2022 at 12:53 AM, Amanda92 said:

I'm 30. I was in one long relationship 6 years ago and I have been dating for the last 3 years - I had only short several months long relationships. Before I started dating I was focusing on my career. I was happy to be single - I had social life, hobby ect. I have a quite good job and now I feel completely satisfied with my job. My friends have families, so they don't have time for me. I used to travel alone, but I get lonely more and more often.

I know nowadays people say thinking like this is bad, but all I want is to be a wife and a mom. I'm pretty and smart - there are many guys interested in me, but I choose guys that are quite handsome and also with a good career. I don't think I have too high standard. These guys were also interested in me, but after sometime I always hear "you are a great girl, sexy, pretty, smart, you seemed to have things that I'm looking for, but I just don't have this feeling to build something more". Everytime the same. They are like "we are good friends and I'm attracted to you". I think emotional connection is what is missed. I'm very open and honest. I show my interest, but I think I'm not needy.

So I'm unhappy. I don't want to date forever. I want to have family more than anything else. My married friends are jealous that I have money and time to travel, but I would prefer to spend an evening with my husband on the couch. I remember how I felt in my last relationship. It was the best time in my life. He gave me so much attention, we spend so much time together, but after sometime he told me he doesn't feel that and it's over.

I know I can't be happy without love. Even if my friends think I'm so happy and I have so cool life. 😔

Am I the only one?

No, you're definitely not alone. I feel the same in a different way though I've been single also 6 years. I was married once a long time ago. Probably the best time of my life too. I don't have any kids or family but I do get where you're coming from regarding that I really do. What star sign are you btw? I'm really starting to believe that star signs play a role in compatibility. Make of it what you will, just some personal experience that I've had. I've noticed compatibility better with star signs better aligned to what I am In my case I'm a cancer. Not literally lol The star sign I mean 😄. I really don't know how to answer your question regarding the connection part with the guys you date or even why your last relationship faded the way it did. That's a tough one. All I can say is maybe grab some quiet time and reflect and try and see patterns. Maybe in the men that you choose or even in your own connection with them or your own personality. Be brutally honest with yourself to get answers. I would also suggest a good relationship counsellor to work with. Find someone that you feel really comfortable with because the third party perspective can have some confronting truths that we may not be aware of or want to face. Just a suggestion. Good luck!.

[Maldives]

The other thing I was going to suggest is actually ask the guys for honest feedback. Tell them that you've experienced this a number of times and you're trying to figure out why this is happening. It's the same thing and get them to be brutally honest then just tell them that you're up for it. I think that's the best way to find out. Then you can really determine what's going on. I remember doing that for job interviews. I kept not being able to get a job and I read this book and it really opened my eyes. One of the suggestions in the book was to get feedback from the employer which I did. And finally I figured out what I was doing in the interviews that was not getting me across the line for the job. Just a suggestion, The guy does need to be brutally honest with you though

[Chilli]

Funny , l don't believe much in star signs but l have noticed some patterns in love and wouldn't be surprise if there's at least something to it. But l think it's pretty silly op suggesting you should be more this or could be that. We're who we are l say the same to guys round here trying to be someone they're not. Even if it did get them into some relationship, how long's that gonna last it's an act, exactly what a so called relationship shouldn't be.Your partner is the one person on the planet with whom you can be authentically just you, should be.

That last relationship though, he gave you so much attention you spent so much time together- not really saying much about whom he was or of love. He was a great fit, that's easy , but it's not love, not lasting, same with oh he was attractive, or this , or that, so what ! Doesn't sound like anyone has been much more, so the real thing probably just hasn't come along yet.

Edited August 7, 2022 by Chilli