His apartment is gross. He's offended I told him.

[An0nymiss666]

So offended in fact, that he broke things off, but said it was due to other reasons. Am I really being that unreasonable? Did I go about things the wrong way? What else could I have done? I started out with little lighthearted hints a few times, but he just rolled his eyes at me. 

I don’t think I’ve seen a single cleaning supply. It’s a studio apartment, so you’d think it would be easy upkeep. I don’t think a single surface has ever been wiped down. 

We had a civil conversation about this, we both believe honesty is the best policy and have talked about many serious topics. I finally brought it up and explained that I love him, but it’s not acceptable for me and I’m uncomfortable at this point. He appeared to be really offended - even saying I insulted how he was raised. (???) I addressed specific issues. 

He said the following things are NORMAL for a man living alone: 

I’m talking black mold and scum buildup in the toilet. Dried caked on pee on the toilet seat that just keeps getting worse. Floor is grubby. Cruddy bathroom sink and counter. Hairs everywhere on every surface in the bathroom from trimming his beard, but it looks like they’re not cleaned up often if at all. It’s not just from that morning or something. The shower isn’t any better. 

The kitchen area has a thick layer of grease on and around the stove, along with dirty/greasy frying pans that appear to be reused over and over again without washing. The whole area smells like burnt grease. His refrigerator smells awful. There were veggies (no bag) where raw chicken had been. Most of the time I’ve used his dishes and silverware, they aren’t clean. He lets the smell of rotting garbage fill the small apartment and then just opens a window instead of taking the trash out when he gets home. 

I don’t even feel clean washing my hands, everything I touch, even the faucet handles, seem to have grease or some type of grime on them.

I noticed ONE time he *somewhat* cleaned up the place when he was going to have his friends over for a game night. That was pretty much it. And it was more moving clutter out of the way than anything else. Which I can kind of look past since it’s a studio apt.

Honestly I think it’s alarming that at our age (I’m 31 he’s 26), he was offended that I had a problem with this. He was seriously shocked that I pointed this stuff out and really needed me to spell it all out for him. He also said it’s just my OCD (I am diagnosed) and I’m overreacting. 

TL;DR I told my boyfriend his apartment is dirty (mold, grease, etc). I’m uncomfortable. He was offended and broke things off (claims it’s due to other reasons). Was I unreasonable or out of line?

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, An0nymiss666 said:

I told my boyfriend his apartment is dirty (mold, grease, etc). I’m uncomfortable. He was offended and broke things off (claims it’s due to other reasons). Was I unreasonable or out of line?

How long were you dating? You did the right thing. You're incompatible and living in unhealthy filth is a deal-breaker for many people. Toxic mold is a health hazard.

Anyone can get a toilet brush or a cleaning service.

He may have gotten defensive, but unless he dates women who live like this, he'll hear this again and again or just "we're not a match".

[Lotsgoingon]

You guys aren't a good fit. And it's not just about different standards for neatness.

It's also that he is so defensive ... 

Question for you: let's say he weren't defensive ... but let's say there was no immediate cleanup of his space. How would you feel about continuing to date him? I can't tell whether the messiness and dirtiness was the real problem for you or just his defensiveness about it--or both!

 

Edited August 4, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[An0nymiss666]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you dating? You did the right thing. You're incompatible and living in unhealthy filth is a deal-breaker for many people. Toxic mold is a health hazard.

We were dating for a little over two years, we started dating during early Covid. He lived with a sibling for the first six months of our relationship before getting his own apartment.

It started out OK (his apartment) but has gotten worse and worse over time. I can accept that not everyone is “OCD” about cleaning their living space, but having a moldy bathroom for years and NEVER wiping down any surface in your home is unacceptable to me. 

[Weezy1973]

Like he said there were likely other things. This was just a good excuse to break it off now.
 

For me though, if things aren’t cleaned to where I’m comfortable, I do the cleaning myself. Expecting others to change for you is a good way to end a relationship. Which is what seems to have happened.

Edited August 4, 2022 by Weezy1973

[An0nymiss666]

33 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Like he said there were likely other things. This was just a good excuse to break it off now.
 

For me though, if things aren’t cleaned to where I’m comfortable, I do the cleaning myself. Expecting others to change for you is a good way to end a relationship. Which is what seems to have happened.

I wouldn’t have minded helping. But at that point you run the risk of them thinking it’s just your job to do it now when it’s not even your residence. It’s cliche but I’m not looking to be someone’s maid. 

[An0nymiss666]

56 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You guys aren't a good fit. And it's not just about different standards for neatness.

It's also that he is so defensive ... 

Question for you: let's say he weren't defensive ... but let's say there was no immediate cleanup of his space. How would you feel about continuing to date him? I can't tell whether the messiness and dirtiness was the real problem for you or just his defensiveness about it--or both!

 

If there were absolutely NO improvement, at some point I would need to end it. I wouldn’t mind helping but I’m not going to be someone’s maid. He’s allowed to feel things and have emotions including being defensive, but being defensive about having mold in your apartment…to me there’s something off with that. 

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, An0nymiss666 said:

I wouldn’t have minded helping. But at that point you run the risk of them thinking it’s just your job to do it now when it’s not even your residence. It’s cliche but I’m not looking to be someone’s maid. 

But you were the one that wasn’t comfortable. He was fine. It’s your problem, not his. 

[basil67]

Ewww!  I think he did you a favour.  The state of one's living space tells you a lot about them.  In this case, it tells you that If you ended up living with him, you would indeed have been the maid.  

But in answer to your question, it's rude to criticise someone else's living space.   But it is OK to consider the above and work out if it's a deal breaker for you. 

[glows]

Is he struggling living alone? You had mentioned he lived with a sibling earlier. Clutter and general mess is okay now and then or when someone isn't expecting company. Allowing grime and mold or leaving trash around with old food (rotting garbage) invites critters and unwanted crawlies and scuttlers. 

I'd be more concerned he's having personal struggles and dealing with his own mental health issues as opposed to the relationship or differences there. I think this is already over when we have to discuss personal hygiene and choices in cleanliness. You don't have to second guess yourself with your OCD. It's not unreasonable to be put off by what you describe and I think it's below the ordinary standard for most people to live like this.  

[smackie9]

Oh no girl you did the right thing. I work in the property restoration industry for over 30 years, and I myself have seen my fair share of dirty homes. One thing that seems to be connected with an unsightly residence is them having an addiction problem of some kind and or mental illness/depression/low self-esteem/autism/anxiety disorder. I say you dodged a bullet. 

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You guys aren't a good fit.

agreed..

I don't know how in the world you were managing being in that place with OCD.  It's sounds over the top gross. 

I think while it may sting right now. You will not regret this in the future. Good luck

[stillafool]

Yeah he did the right thing by breaking up because he knew he wouldn't get any better at keeping his place clean.  You aren't compatible and he realizes this now.  Be glad you don't have to end up being his maid.

[ShyViolet]

You should have been the one dumping him.

Did you honestly think he was going to change as a result of you talking to him about this?  People like this usually don't change.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  This is how he lives, and it's absolutely gross.  If he hadn't broken up with you over this, I hope you would have been the one walking away.  Don't ever ignore red flags in a relationship.

And the worst part is that he denied it and has no self-awareness about it.  

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, An0nymiss666 said:

So offended in fact, that he broke things off, but said it was due to other reasons.

I told my boyfriend his apartment is dirty (mold, grease, etc). I’m uncomfortable. He was offended and broke things off (claims it’s due to other reasons)

Yeah, there was something else at play here OP, he simply used the apartment issue as an excuse to dump you and then blame you so he didn't have to be the "bad guy."

No you were NOT being unreasonable, you KNOW that.   So does he, again it was just an excuse.

The man isn't right in the head and I suspect a mental issue of some sort because that's just gross.

Just out of curiosity, how long has he lived there?  Whenever I have lived in apartments, the manager would do annual or sometimes semi-annual inspections to check things like the fire alarm and to make sure everything was working in proper order.

We all knew what the real reason was, they wanted to make sure we were keeping the place in decent condition to avoid such things as bed bugs, termites, gnats, cockroaches, dust mites and MOLD, which people can become quite ill from..

His place sounds disgusting and it's a major health hazard.  I am not quite sure how you could have stomached being there (literally), I wouldn't last two minutes with such a gross disgusting person.  Yuck.

Anyway, that's all in the past.  Breakups are hard but try to not give this one too much space in your head, you are WAY better off without this in your life.

All the best moving forward!!

 

Edited August 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

Agree you should have been the one dumping him. And you really want to congratulate yourself for speaking how you felt. Even though you weren't ready for his reaction, the truth is we have to speak up about stuff that really bothers us or else the relationship won't ever really take off. 

So congratulate yourself. Maybe you did dump him by speaking up as you did.

I have to say: whenever my living space got as messy and dirty as you're describing here, it mean I was depressed--sometimes not even aware of how depressed I was since I could always function at work. Oh, and I'm not throwing that out as reason to ignore the condition of his space. In fact, looking back, when I was this depressed I simply in no condition to date. Did not have the capacity to follow through and be responsive and thoughtful or to take initiative. 

Move on. This was never gonna work for you. 

Edited August 5, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[BaileyB]

You are clearly not compatible. Had you stayed together and eventually lived together, unless you are 100% fine doing 100% of the work - this would have caused resentment and lead to the end of the relationship. 

Next time, you will know that when there is a significant incompatibility like this - you have the right to end the relationship. That’s all. You can’t tell a man how he should live in his own home. 

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, An0nymiss666 said:

I'm talking black mold and scum buildup in the toilet. 

The kitchen area has a thick layer of grease on and around the stove, along with dirty/greasy frying pans that appear to be reused over and over again without washing. The whole area smells like burnt grease

I'm wondering what type of person 'wouid' be compatible with a guy like this?  

The black mold is a major health hazard to himself AND his neighbors.  Mold can build and grow and seep through walls and floorboards. 

People can become very sick from this, even die.  When I worked in legal, we had many cases like this, lawsuits filed against apt complexes, it's a real thing. 

Whoever owns and/or manages the apt complex is liable should he get sick from it.  That's why most will conduct periodic checks. 

The thick layer of grease is a huge fire hazard. Which also places himself and his neighbors at risk.

And the apartment complex is liable. 

This goes way beyond incompatibility and I disagree that nothing should be said. 

I'd tell him I'm not staying and if he doesn't get his shyt together and clean it or hire someone, you're reporting him to the health department. 

Not sure if I actually would but hopefully the threat of doing so might give him the kick in the butt he needs. 

For his own health and safety as well as the health and safety of his neighbors. 

Then dump him for being disgusting. 

I mean come on, dried caked on pee on the toilet seat? 

Whatever woman would be compatible with that, combined with all the other things mentioned in OP's original post, should probably get her head examined as well. 

Edited August 5, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, An0nymiss666 said:

. He also said it’s just my OCD  and I’m overreacting. 

That's fascinating because while domestic squalor is not a diagnosis in itself, it has a lot of underlying causes. (Google it)

Hoarding disorder (accumulation of worthless trash) used to be classified as a variation of OCD, but is now a diagnosis in itself.

His obliviousness and defensiveness indicate there's more going on than he's just a little messy and you're just a little picky.

Lack of personal hygiene (including living environment) is a red flag.

[bene]

I think there are two types of messy homes. It’s one thing to have some things lying around on the counters, clothes on the chairs etc. This just speaks of a person living in the home. And then there’s mold and dirt that has never been cleaned. I couldn’t look past it.

It’s not even as much about cleaning but the fact that he’s ok with this environment. That he’s comfortable inviting people over in that state. He will not magically start caring about cleaning the apartment should you move in together. This will be on you and it will be a source of resentment.

Edited August 5, 2022 by bene

[An0nymiss666]

15 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Just out of curiosity, how long has he lived there?  Whenever I have lived in apartments, the manager would do annual or sometimes semi-annual inspections to check things like the fire alarm and to make sure everything was working in proper order.

He has lived there for almost two years. I truly have no idea how often they do inspections, if at all. It’s not the nicest building, but it is mostly quiet and in a decent area. 

HOWEVER, last year, his neighbor across the hall died and was dead for at least three months (possibly more) before the landlord called the cops and went for a welfare check. You can imagine how bad the smell was in the hallway, and only got worse as the weather got warmer. They (landlords) just kept posting signs about the smell assuming it was someone’s garbage, and it took a while for them to do anything about it. The persons rent was automatically paid so that’s didn’t raise any flags.

[An0nymiss666]

15 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You should have been the one dumping him.

Did you honestly think he was going to change as a result of you talking to him about this?  People like this usually don't change.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them.  This is how he lives, and it's absolutely gross.  If he hadn't broken up with you over this, I hope you would have been the one walking away.  Don't ever ignore red flags in a relationship.

And the worst part is that he denied it and has no self-awareness about it.  

That’s what I was worried about. I also don’t think at this age and stage in our lives there is any changing of our ways. As someone else said, it’s below normal standards of living but he doesn’t see it that way, and I can’t change how he lives in his own apartment. 
 

He really, truly, needed me to explain what I had a problem with and then asked me what exactly is wrong with his apartment being like this (everything I said in my post). I honestly didn’t even know what to say at that point. I was just shocked. 

[Els]

I'm not generally fussed about having a super tidy or clean living space, and this sounds like a dealbreaker even to me. It's one thing if they are 18 and living on their own for the first time, another thing entirely if they are 26. If he hates cleaning, fine - but then he'd better be prepared to commit to paying for a cleaner on a regular basis, and it sounds like he's not even doing that. Even worse, he doesn't even care to clean up when he has company (you). Imagine how much worse it'll be when you're living together?

You dodged a bullet when you left.

[Calmandfocused]

Ewww! Holy moly! I’ve having my dinner whilst reading this and …yuk! 
 

Look, if human being were meant to be pigs and live like pigs they would be born a pig. 
 

You think you have/ had a future with this guy? Think again. Irrespective of whether you want children or not, you’d have to be “mummy” to have any chance of a successful relationship with someone like him. 
 

Unless of course that you also desire to live like a barnyard animal and my sense is that you do not. 
 

He’s done you a favour. 
 

 

[Trail Blazer]

That is disgusting.  Dudes who can't keep their house clean and tidy when they're single do not deserve to have a girlfriend.

I absolutely hate when guys can't keep the bathroom clean.  I mean, why?  Yeah, we all miss the bowl at times, but for [insert favorite deities'] sake, clean it up!

There is absolutely NO excuse for being a revolting pig.  Cohabitation with such a man would have been hell.  He's done you a huge favor.