His apartment is gross. He's offended I told him.

[Lotsgoingon]

The lesson here I think is that next time YOU can act faster to pull away. 

He's done you a favor, but whenever someone dumps us (well most of the time) our egos take a hit, and we feel kinda lost. You have the right to have your standards. Your goal is to find a person who meets your standards. Your goal is not to persuade anyone about your standards. You don't need to defend them. Lord knows there are enough neatniks in the world and most people don't want to live like your ex lives. 

You can have more confidence in your judgment. And here's the trap you want to avoid. Let's say he wasn't defensive, and he spent 5 minutes cleaning up the mess. In other words, the place was still a mess. I'm worried that you would have negotiated and talked and put up with the mess far beyond your comfort level. 

[Will am I]

I guess it’s somewhat normal if a young bachelor doesn’t quite reach Martha Steward level on his housekeeping. (I know my appartment was a mess)
 

It’s equally normal for a girl to voice her opinion on things. (I remember my wife had an opinion when we were dating)

 

Where this derailed is when the guy couldn’t take the criticism. That’s the real issue, not the state of the appartment. Maybe you dodged a bullet here OP.

 

[Blind-Sided]

This is not normal for a guy living alone.  That's just being a slob.   

[poppyfields]

15 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Let's say he wasn't defensive, and he spent 5 minutes cleaning up...

5 minutes? Try 5 hours by a professional cleaning service and possibly mold removing service. 

Built up mold in bath, hardened grease in kitchen, caked on pee on toilet seat, no one is expecting him to reach Martha Stewart level, or even be tidy, but mold, grease and caked on pee are just gross, a health hazard and fire hazard. 

It also displays an utter lack of respect for OP knowing she will be sitting on the toilet seat when going to the bathroom.

Yeah, he might have taken 5 minutes to clean THAT up.

There is no excuse other than a mental illness, which I can sympathize with and why I believe something should be said, or an outside party notified..  Like management.

I am appalled at how management runs the place, I mean three months to check on disgusting stench from other apartment where a person was dead inside?

I'm shocked the neighbors didn't demand they check or notify the police or something. 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Hi @poppyfieldsof course this guy needs the 5 hour cleanup. Multiple 5-hour cleanups ... And a system to boot.

The point of my scenario of him cleaning for 5 minutes was to tell the OP that she was so close to being played. I was worried that if this guy did 5 minutes (OK, an hour) and he announced it to her, she would have just gone along with this, pushing and pulling and hoping for him for more. She might have even volunteered to help.  I think she's fortunate that he broke up before she got caught in that horrible cycle of putting up with behavior far below her standards.

Yes, he'd need multiple 5-hour cleanups and probably would have to pay extra because the cleaners would be so freaked out. And because he has NO order, the job would be really hard. Cleaners would insist on him moving clothes off the floor ... well, he doesn't know what to do with the clothes and so on. 

You're right as well @poppyfieldsthat when things get this bad, it's usually a sign of depression or addiction or hoarding, some kind of serious mental health problem. There are lots of slobs who will hustle to make their place presentable just to host a romantic interest.

One of my former housemates had a woman coming to visit him from out of town.  He did about two weeks of serious cleaning before she arrived. He was carrying out trash bag after trash bag after trash bag. He hired cleaners--for his room and for his car! He had enough energy (not depressed at all) and social awareness to get himself to clean before hosting a woman. 

 

 

Edited August 6, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[stillafool]

I couldn't have sex with a man who lived in those conditions.  Heck no.

[Calmandfocused]

16 hours ago, stillafool said:

I couldn't have sex with a man who lived in those conditions.  Heck no.

You know I was thinking the same thing. Whether the Op has been having sex with him in these filthy conditions. 
 

Based on what she’s told us I dread to think what the state of his bedding is like.
 

Id be surprised if the bed sheets are ever changed without someone (the op probably) doing it for him. 

Edited August 7, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[An0nymiss666]

On 8/5/2022 at 7:29 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

The lesson here I think is that next time YOU can act faster to pull away. 

He's done you a favor, but whenever someone dumps us (well most of the time) our egos take a hit, and we feel kinda lost. You have the right to have your standards. Your goal is to find a person who meets your standards. Your goal is not to persuade anyone about your standards. You don't need to defend them. Lord knows there are enough neatniks in the world and most people don't want to live like your ex lives. 

You can have more confidence in your judgment. And here's the trap you want to avoid. Let's say he wasn't defensive, and he spent 5 minutes cleaning up the mess. In other words, the place was still a mess. I'm worried that you would have negotiated and talked and put up with the mess far beyond your comfort level. 

This is all true. I feel an equal amount of hurt of relief (if I’m being honest). This was probably a long time coming, and it’s better now than when we sign a lease or, god forbid, a mortgage together.

It just sucks that otherwise we were an amazing fit. We saw eye-to-eye on so many things but THIS is what caused it to unravel in a matter of minutes?! It’s not the first time either of us has had to sit down and have a serious conversation, but this IS the first time he’s gone off and put words in my mouth, etc.  

Perhaps I did dodge a bullet. 

[An0nymiss666]

23 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You're right as well @poppyfieldsthat when things get this bad, it's usually a sign of depression or addiction or hoarding, some kind of serious mental health problem. There are lots of slobs who will hustle to make their place presentable just to host a romantic interest.

He has said he’s dealt with depression before, but has gone through therapy and feels “better than ever” now. He could be lying or trying to cover it up. We’ve talked about it a lot and I told him if he has to work through things that he can’t talk to me about, he should consider professional help or medication (which he is opposed to but it somewhat helped my OCD so I put it out there). 

I also know we can only be there so much for our partners, and we can’t take on the role of therapist or doctor just like we shouldn’t be their parents or heavy duty cleaning service. 

[An0nymiss666]

7 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

You know I was thinking the same thing. Whether the Op has been having sex with him in these filthy conditions. 
 

Based on what she’s told us I dread to think what the state of his bedding is like.
 

Id be surprised if the bed sheets are ever changed without someone (the op probably) doing it for him. 

Unfortunately yes, but not so much lately. His sheets didn’t appear dirty but that doesn’t matter, it doesn’t mean he was washing them regularly. 
 

A LONG time ago, I bought him a new set of sheets since he said he only had one. Lo and behold, it’s still sitting there unopened. 

[An0nymiss666]

On 8/5/2022 at 12:32 PM, Elswyth said:

I'm not generally fussed about having a super tidy or clean living space, and this sounds like a dealbreaker even to me. It's one thing if they are 18 and living on their own for the first time, another thing entirely if they are 26.

 Even worse, he doesn't even care to clean up when he has company (you). 

I’m not either. We didn’t live together (obviously), and my own bedroom is definitely “lived in.” However, there’s absolutely not months or years worth of dust, dirt and grime. The same goes for the rest of my house. 
 

There’s a difference between “this is overdue for a good cleaning” and “holy sh*t this is disgusting.” I usually do a quick sweep before having company over and I still worry if I did enough! 

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, An0nymiss666 said:

I’m not either. We didn’t live together (obviously), and my own bedroom is definitely “lived in.” However, there’s absolutely not months or years worth of dust, dirt and grime. The same goes for the rest of my house. 
 

There’s a difference between “this is overdue for a good cleaning” and “holy sh*t this is disgusting.” I usually do a quick sweep before having company over and I still worry if I did enough! 

While it sucks to get dumped, be glad that you don't have any kids with this guy. Can't imagine what a disaster that would be.

[JRabbit]

On 8/4/2022 at 4:46 PM, Weezy1973 said:

He was fine

He wasn't though. Living in filth is not fine.

[Weezy1973]

45 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

He wasn't though. Living in filth is not fine.

It wouldn’t be for you, but he was fine with it for himself. He had no complaints. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

It wouldn’t be for you, but he was fine with it for himself. He had no complaints. 

It wasn't just for himself though Weezy. 

He was living in dangerous conditions.  Mold which can spread to neighboring apartments and built up grease which are health and fire hazards.  

This puts his neighbors at risk, not just himself. 

Again, this is why apartment management conducts periodic checks. 

If something were to happen to him, his apartment, or his neighbors'  apartments or them due to neglect, management is liable. 

If he owned his home in a remote area with no close neighbors that would be different and he's free to live as slovenly as he desires. 

But he lives in an apartment complex with neighbors above, below and next.

A person needs to be responsible not just for himself but for his neighbors as well. 

[JRabbit]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

It wouldn’t be for you, but he was fine with it for himself. He had no complaints. 

He might think that but his health will tell him otherwise eventually.

[Weezy1973]

9 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

He might think that but his health will tell him otherwise eventually.

When I say he was fine with it, I’m not talking about health or safety or anything. I mean he was making the choice to live like that. Although this is an extreme example, this is similar to many relationships. Most people have different ideas as to what “clean” is. He was content to live as he is. The OP had the problem with it (which is perfectly understandable). And so they part ways. She wanted him to change for her. He didn’t want to.

[GoodVibess]

That’s weird that he would get offended, I told my boyfriend the same thing and he said I was right.