Should I expect my spouse to earn more?

[Jeepers85]

Hi, first world problem I know, but it's been bothering me and I'm exhausted so need to know people's thoughts/experiences.

 

I have a wonderful life, I'm the main carer to two kids in primary school, and I do the vast majority (over 80%) of housework. I'm happily married and our lives have been very much based around my other half's job: she works long hours in an inflexible role, and her time with us is at a premium. I work part-time and fit my work around the school runs, housework and looking after the kids in general. I'm perfectly happy with that arrangement.

 

However, I'm also the main breadwinner. I know I shouldn't complain, because my life is obviously much easier than any single parent. But it feels weird earning more than my spouse when they're always at work and I'm fitting in odd jobs whenever I can. I wouldn't mind our division of labour if my spouse at least earned more than me.

 

We're not in financial difficulty so I've wondered if this is an ego thing, but it does bother me that we've based so much of our lives around her work (when we go on holiday, where we've moved) and she's an experienced graduate in her late 30s earning less than the average 21-year-old (and her career isn't exactly in the charity sector - it's very much about the money).

 

I've always seen it as a no-no to interfere in your partner's career or earnings, but I've been waiting for years for her career to 'take off' and I think she's letting her employers take her for granted. I don't want to switch roles because then her income will never catch up.

 

I don't know anyone else who's in the same situation so don't feel I can talk to anyone. I've found myself telling little lies to people to disguise the fact that I'm the main earner and I'm not comfortable with that. 

 

Should I push her towards a higher paying role? And is anyone else in the same position? (in a relationship, main carer, main caregiver)

 

Thank you everyone.

[Wiseman2]

Does she like her job?

[Jeepers85]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does she like her job?

She does, otherwise it wouldn't be a dilemma. I'm delighted she likes her job - millions don't - and wouldn't want her doing something lucrative that made her miserable. I just feel the point of a full time job should be to earn a living, or at least half of a living as part of a couple. I don't like the thought of our family all being at the whim of a profit-making employer without getting a proper living in return. I also don't think they'd pay a man so little if he had a family.

[Weezy1973]

Did she recently graduate and this is just the first step in the ladder? Will she have a lucrative career in this field in 5 - 10 years?

 

My situation is somewhat similar - my wife works part time, 2 or 3 days a week, and is the primary caregiver to our son. She also makes more than twice as much as me, mostly because I made a complete career change a couple of years ago to something that makes me happy, but had to start at the bottom. In a few years we’ll either be making the same and in a decade or so I’ll likely be making more than her even if she goes full time. 
 

When I told her I was changing careers to something that paid significantly less than my previous job, she was happy for me. Like you, we were still comfortable financially even with my reduced income. 
 

Is her job in demand? My wife’s is, so she has great job security and they throw raises at her to make sure she’s happy. If she’s working at an in demand job, she should be able to get raises, or move to another organization that will pay more.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jeepers85 said:

I wouldn't mind our division of labour if my spouse at least earned more than me. We're not in financial difficulty so I've wondered if this is an ego thing, but it does bother me that we've based so much of our lives around her work when we go on holiday, where we've moved. a

Focus more on this. The resentment that is building based more on your sacrifices and than on what she makes.

[FMW]

I understand your feelings about the situation, I think a lot of people would feel the same way.  Unless it's a temporary situation, like @Weezy1973 described, you are doing most of the work at home while subsidizing her ability to stay in a job she wants that keeps her away from your family and requires you to schedule life events around it.  She's the only one receiving the benefit (job enjoyment) of staying in that particular job instead of finding something that pays more and/or requires less of her time.  I believe that both partners have an obligation to provide support, both financially (making more money if possible) and emotionally (being available and not stuck at work all the time).   

I don't think you should "push" her toward anything, but certainly start talking about the situation. You are married, you have children, what each of you do affects both of you and your family.  You have a right to express your opinions.    

[BrinnM]

7 hours ago, Jeepers85 said:

Should I push her towards a higher paying role?

Yes, I would.

I mean she’s in her prime (30s), has a solid degree, makes less than you and is never home? Yeah, no, I wouldn’t put up with that as a spouse. There are indeed people who go to work not because of the money, but because they “enjoy” it, like to socialize and get out of the house, because otherwise they would be “bored”.[]

Edited August 6, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Group berating

[Els]

I think this is a topic best approached in a delicate manner. If, as you describe, she is putting up with earning way less than she is worth, it is always beneficial to have a trusted person point that out and encourage her to seek a raise or a promotion. But this cannot be something that you PUSH her to do. It has to be something that she wants for herself.

You also have to consider the risk involved. If she decides to leave and seek another job, and you don't enjoy being the main breadwinner, how do you feel about being the SOLE breadwinner for a period of time? What if she finds a new job, but strongly dislikes it, and this causes emotional stress or a dead bedroom, etc? That all isn't to say that she shouldn't leave... indeed sometimes leaving one's job is the best course of action. But it is always a risk and it has to be one that you are prepared to take together.

[Els]

Also, I wouldn't underestimate the importance of someone enjoying (or at least feeling mildly positive about) their job - if it is something you are going to do for at least 8 hours 5 days a week, it shouldn't be something that you go to bed dreading every day. It's one thing if you two were stressed financially,  or if she were in a situation where she earned basically nothing. But considering that you two are financially secure, and she is employed full time for a position that at the very least pays a minimum wage... if it came down to a choice between the two, I would pick my partner's happiness and mental health over the extra money every time.

Personally, I have always encouraged H to follow his dreams. I do have limits - if his dream involves being a busking fire-dancer or a streamer with 10 followers, I might have some thoughts on that. But assuming full time employment, it is more important to me that he enjoys his job than the amount that it pays. I have encouraged him to leave his job, previously, for one that paid literally half the amount. And seeing him happier and healthier every day, less encumbered... it has been more than worth it. Of course, we don't have kids, so I can't comment on that part.

[S2B]

Since her job leaves her very little time with the family and she gets paid way less money - I’d ask her to change jobs.

even something that pays the same but allows her more tim with the family.

if someone is spending that much time at work - they should be bringing in a hefty paycheck to make up for lost family time.

[Wiseman2]

Since finances are not the problem, it's not what she earns that really brothers you. It seems your resentment comes from doing more of the household and childcare stuff.

First identify the real issue. Then see if you can come up with a more equatable division of household and childcare tasks.

[basil67]

It's clear that you are frustrated in your current situation, but I'm also having difficulty working out exactly what the problem is. 

You mention planning your lives around her job, but far majority of us have to plan our holidays and location around our work.   This is perfectly normal and not something to reasonably gripe over.   You don't say how low her salary is, but is it below the poverty line?   What kind of hours is she working?   I'd hope she's not slaving away on 12 hour days for limited salary. 

FWIW, when I was working part time and at home with the kids, I happily did most of the domestic work.  It's not about who earns what, but how much time each person has.  Sure, you could give 50% of the housework to your wife, but then she'd have even less time with the family.  This would seriously impact her already limited availability.  

Lastly, you say that you don't think they'd pay a man so little if they had a family.  While you could be right about the gender pay gap, I've never known a man with a family to be paid more than a single man who's doing the same job with the same level of education/competency.

I'm hoping you return with a bit more detail so that we can help you

 

Edited August 6, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Jeepers85 said:

 wouldn't want her doing something lucrative that made her miserable.

But that's what you are saying you want.  Ask her to take on more household work and childcare.

[Jeepers85]

Thank you all for responses, it's been helpful knocking this one about  as I don't feel I can do it offline.

For clarification: no, I don't want her doing more at home (I've always found the housekeeper/childcarer role tiring but fulfilling), and no, I don't want her working part-time - I'm desperate for her to earn more, which she's not going to do by taking time out of work.  Also, while I'm still hopeful, I'm getting despondent about the prospects for her career taking-off - we've now been prioritising her career for almost twenty years and she's still on an entry-level income.

The last point probably taps into what @Wiseman2and @basil67have referred to - what's my real problem here? As you've rightly pointed out, this isn't about financial survival (I was very lucky and earned a high income before having kids so we could pay off our mortgage in our mid-30s) and she's happy at work which is great. It's more about self-respect / self-esteem (which sound really petty I know) - if I'd been working in a career for almost two decades, putting in antisocial hours and basing my whole  life around it, I'd expect to be on several times what she's on. I do feel it's a sexism thing - men doing similar roles for the same organisation seem to be earning twice as much. My wife and I were both raised in traditional households where the mother stayed at home working part time and the man was the breadwinner (barely coming home) - I've always wanted to show my children that that's not how it has to be, and I don't want them growing up seeing their father earning a lot more than their mother for doing less work, reinforcing gender stereotypes. For clarity: I love my life and I love my role in the household, and I love that she's doing a career she enjoys. I don't believe work should be all about the money, but I do believe that it does to the extent that it can support a family - I'd be happy if she was even earning enough to support half of our (modest) family needs. We don't drive, take foreign holidays or have any expensive hobbies - our parents lived on low incomes and were always in financial crises, and we've not really increased our standard of living from when we were kids, even when our household income increased a lot. With my family history of debt and bankruptcy, I guess I do feel some anxiety about relying on my income while I'm also the main carer, but again, I accept that single parents deal with that x10 with no complaint.

 

In short, I feel the same as I would if my wife was going to work as a highly qualified professional (she is) and being asked to make the tea for all the men (she isn't, but her low pay makes it feel like that). Yes I admit to some resentment, not because I'm basing my life around jobs (that's normal, as people have pointed out) but because I'm basing my work and family life around a job that pays so little. And I have a lot of respect for my wife and feel like she doesn't have respect for herself by valuing her time so cheaply.

 

Thank you for letting me rant on here and I really value everyone's input. xx

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Jeepers85 said:

It's more about self-respect / self-esteem . My wife and I were both raised in traditional households where the mother stayed at home working part time and the man was the breadwinner.

Ok, then make a plan were you are not feeling like the 'househusband' and doing the majority of the childcare and household duties. Which gender earns what in her field/job is irrelevant. This is not about social justice, it's about your resentment over being stuck with household stuff/childcare  growing and not doing anything about it..

[Weezy1973]

So perhaps the resentment is more that you standard of living despite being good, isn’t improving as it would for most career trajectories. So although she’s happy in her role, there’s very little benefit to the family. And, as you’ve pointed out, there’s people doing the same role for more money. 
 

Two things I’ll mention. When I met my wife, she was paid much less, but also was quite fearful of asking for a raise, and also was extremely hesitant to leave her employer as she got along well with her colleagues and that meant more to her than money. Studies show that people make more money when they’re willing to leave their current employer to do so, and obviously when they actually ask for raises. I had to encourage my wife to look around and compare her wage to others with a similar amount of experience which she did and found out she was making way less. So she asked for raises which she got. When we moved she was basically a free agent and a bunch of different employers were courting her and she was shocked by how much they were offering her. 
 

Have you talked about this with your wife? I think it’s fair to expect her career to be driving the improvement in the family’s standard of living and your retirement considering how much time she puts in. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Jeepers85 said:

I have a wonderful life, I'm the main carer to two kids in primary school, and I do the vast majority (over 80%) of housework. I work part-time and fit my work around the school runs, housework and looking after the kids in general. I'm perfectly happy with that arrangement.

You don't seem 'perfectly happy' with this arrangement. What you can do is hire a nanny, a housekeeper, etc. since finances are not an issue.

You could work full time so you're not feeling resentment about this.

What won't work is telling her what job or salary to have. It seems like you think she spends too much time at work and you're stuck with the rest.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Jeepers85 said:

It's more about self-respect / self-esteem (which sound really petty I know) - if I'd been working in a career for almost two decades, putting in antisocial hours and basing my whole  life around it, I'd expect to be on several times what she's on.

And if it was your job and you found yourself in this situation, you could look for another job.

Because it’s her job, your opinion is just that - your opinion. You are of course welcome to share your thoughts as her spouse, but at the end of the day it is her decision.

If you wish she could spend more time at home with the kids, or you are concerned about your retirement savings - that’s a discussion you can’t have as her spouse/partner. If finances are not an issue, if you are balancing work and home ok, then there is no problem here.

She apparently likes her job and I get that - I worked a job for many years that was underpaid because I loved it. When it becomes a problem for her, she will make a change. 

Edited August 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

double post. apologies.

Edited August 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm going to recommend you get some therapy for this situation--because you are thoroughly confused and I don't mean that in a hostile way. I mean it literally. 

Despite what you say, I do NOT think this is a great relationship. And I don't think you're all that happy. I think you're simply used to telling yourself that you are happy.

Like others, I still don't think you're close to identifying the real problem here. If I were to guess, I would say you are unhappy that your spouse is basically passive and unmotivated, that she lacks the drive and ambition and passion for life you would want in a partner. The career/money issue is only a hint of the problem. You're grabbing at it, but the problem goes way way deeper. 

My guess is that you don't feel really stimulated by your spouse. You certainly don't feel inspired by your spouse. There are lots of folks with spouses with lower incomes than ideal but the spouse with the lower income is fired up about their job, and about life, doing meaningful work and that wins respect and admiration from the other partner. I sense you have no admiration for your spouse, and I don't mean this in a juvenile way. Sounds like you don't think your partner has a backbone to ask for more money or to grow and develop in their job. 

I don't believe you when you say you are happy to be doing 80 percent of the housework and caretaking.  If your partner was fired up,  then you might be fine with this. But you're doing all this work with a lackadaisical, uninspiring (maybe even uninteresting?) partner chilling out in the corner, so to speak. 

One broader issue you have is guilt about wanting more. Guilt and not feeling the right to complain. That guilt can block clarity in what you are REALLY feeling.

Again my guess: you are shocked and disappointed by your partner's lack of drive and energy--their overall passivity--compared to your own drive and energy. 

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

that’s a discussion you can’t have as her spouse/partner. 

Sorry, that should clearly say “that’s a discussion that you can have as her spouse/partner. 

[mark clemson]

You could request (not insist) that she find ways to earn more, e.g. seeking a promotion asking for a raise, or switching to a similar job etc. I'd agree with suggestions to be cautious about it because she seems happy with the situation, and the end result is uncertain. This is the "devil you know."

It seems her work/life balance is off if she works very long hours and particularly if that's not for very good pay. Some would consider this exploitative. However, some folks prefer a job they can really sink their teeth into.

Since she is happy, it seems like seeing if she can (again cautiously) make tweaks to the situation seems like the way to go.

Edited August 6, 2022 by mark clemson

[salparadise]

6 hours ago, Jeepers85 said:

It's more about self-respect / self-esteem (which sound really petty I know) - if I'd been working in a career for almost two decades, putting in antisocial hours and basing my whole  life around it, I'd expect to be on several times what she's on. I do feel it's a sexism thing - men doing similar roles for the same organisation seem to be earning twice as much.

It certainly is a matter of respect, and money matters regardless of whether you're struggling, have plenty, or are living within your means by way of constraint. If others in the same role are making twice as much as your wife, as you said, that's an issue. I wonder why. Are you certain of her competency? If she's good at what she does this employer is short-sighted to let her fall so far behind. Is the employer a user, burn and turn type –– low wages, high turnover? If she's good at what she does I'm surprised that she isn't as resentful as you are about it.

I disagree the the notion that you don't have a right to an opinion, expectation or to express it in this situation. You all are a family unit, and both individual's earning affects the other and the family as a whole. If this were a woman saying that she works part-time and cares for the kids, and yet still out earns a husband with long hours and entry level pay after twenty years on the job, nobody would be saying it's not your concern. You all could be living a better lifestyle, taking vacations, or saving faster for retirement.

Something doesn't add up with respect to why her pay hasn't increased over the years commensurate with others in the same role. The employer could very well be sued for discrimination if this is literally true. If she has better options available, she should pursue them. I get that she likes it there and feels comfortable, but that doesn't balance with earning half of what you're worth (or even 20%). I think you two need to have a sit-down and rationally talk it through, see if you can overcome the inertia. 

Edited August 6, 2022 by salparadise

[S2B]

Since this bothers you - but you didn’t state that it bothers her - you can surmise that she likes being at work more than she enjoys being at home.

I’ve seen women like this… they have kids but would rather be at work… so they hire people to take care of their home life while they work.

some just aren’t cut out for the ‘mothering role’.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

I disagree the the notion that you don't have a right to an opinion, expectation or to express it in this situation. You all are a family unit, and both individual's earning affects the other and the family as a whole. If this were a woman saying that she works part-time and cares for the kids, and yet still out earns a husband with long hours and entry level pay after twenty years on the job, nobody would be saying it's not your concern.

Yes, agree with this completely. If for example, you were to tell your wife you want to quit your job in order to spend more time at home with the kids and your lifestyle would take that hit, but you would be happy, I suspect she wouldn’t like that at all. These things are joint decisions. I suspect the main problem is that this just hasn’t been discussed. Budgets? Retirement plans? Travel, home renos, saving for your kids education? These things need to be discussed.