Accused of Catfishing

[Akasha41]

So this is a first for me and I don't know if anyone else has experienced this with having a "successful" date with someone who says they definitely want to see you again and then turns around calling you a catfish.

I'm on Bumble and been causally getting back into dating. Last night I went out on a date with a guy that went from late night drinks to then staying overnight and having breakfast in the morning. I didn't have expectations of how things would play out since it's a first date, knew that it could likely be a one-time fling and be fine with it, but it did feel like a good connection, great conversation and he was very complimentary about my appearance, asking so many questions about me and initiated all the invites (to get drinks, to come over, to stay the night, etc.). I only asked him if he was interested in seeing me again as I was heading out in which he responded very positively with an "absolutely, yes" and I had made it clear prior that "I'd rather someone say they're not interested than "be polite" and lead me on, so if you're not and this is a one-time thing, no hard feelings."

I go home, message him that I got back safe and then that's when he says great and follows up with "I looked back at your pictures and feel seriously catfished" so I asked "how so?" and all he could offer was "you look significantly different" and thanked me for the fun evening and insightful conversations. Now I know I only have my word to give on this because I'm not going to share my personal pictures here, but every picture is clearly me and taken very recently as I hadn't been doing online dating for a while; in the last year, I was diagnosed with Cushing's and have been working very hard being physically active combined with medication to combat weight gain (15-20 lbs being the difference) and probably most significant my rounder face, something that I directly mentioned when talking about our workout routines and how we handled the pandemic/COVID weight. 

I know that I will move on from this and this is more of a thought dump being so fresh, but it does sting a little especially when I feel that I do everything to be upfront about who I am inside and out and in the end be accused of dishonesty while also being told repeatedly how great of a time it was. Bullet dodged and for that I'm thankful.

Anyone else ever experienced something like this (man, woman, non-binary)?

 

[Weezy1973]

Were any of your pictures taken prior to the 15-20 lbs of weight gain or are they all more recent? 
 

If they were taken at your current weight, I suspect being catfished was just an excuse with the real reason being he just wasn’t that into you. Super common with online dating. Him being nice with the compliments and saying he wanted to absolutely see you again in person was because he wanted sex, and wanted to avoid conflict. Also pretty normal.

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Akasha41 said:

Last night I went out on a date with a guy that went from late night drinks to then staying overnight and having breakfast in the morning. he says "I looked back at your pictures and feel seriously catfished" so I asked "how so?" and all he could offer was "you look significantly different"

Sorry this happened. He sounds like a creep. If you two met in person and you stayed overnight, he's making up complete nonsense to prevent further contact.

[Akasha41]

36 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Were any of your pictures taken prior to the 15-20 lbs of weight gain or are they all more recent? 
 

If they were taken at your current weight, I suspect being catfished was just an excuse with the real reason being he just wasn’t that into you. Super common with online dating. Him being nice with the compliments and saying he wanted to absolutely see you again in person was because he wanted sex, and wanted to avoid conflict. Also pretty normal.

Yup, all my current weight because I know it wouldn't be right to present myself as someone I was 6-7 years ago. And yeah, no disagreement there which is funny because I wouldn't have cared about it being a one-night stand or just saying "I'm not interested" after the fact without further reasoning. It feels like it takes more energy and effort to do all that and then insult the person to "avoid conflict." 

[Akasha41]

44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. He sounds like a creep. If you two met in person and you stayed overnight, he's making up complete nonsense to prevent further contact.

Thanks and yeah, it's not like it's so surprising especially with online dating. Imagine if he discovered that unmatching and blocking took even less effort. 

[Alvi]

Seriously??? You've got to be kidding me! A guy spends a night with you but afterwards blames you for not looking like your pics? Huh? Where is a logic in that? Why on earth did he spent a night with you if he didn't find you attractive or thought that you looked different from your photos? He has zero rights to complain about you being a catfish 011after he chose to sleep with you after seeing what you look like in person. Period. I usually cut a date short if I don't find that a guy looks like his pics or if I am not attracted to him. I would definitely not spend a night with him. 

Sounds to me he was just after one night stand and nothing more. 

3 hours ago, Akasha41 said:

"I'm not interested" after the fact without further reasoning. It feels like it takes more energy and effort to do all that and then insult the person to "avoid conflict." 

A lot of people don't like to be put on a spot like that. They don't want to play a "bad" person and let the other person know that they are not interested in taking things further. I actually thinks that it takes a lot of maturity to let the other person know that you are not interested in them. He needs to own up to his actions and not to turn around and blame you for deceiving him.  I hope that he is not going to tell anybody that you forced him to sleep with you, which you did not.

 

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Were any of your pictures taken prior to the 15-20 lbs of weight gain or are they all more recent? 

Doesn't even matter. He chose to be intimate with her after seeing what she looks like.

[Weezy1973]

10 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Doesn't even matter. He chose to be intimate with her after seeing what she looks like.

In this case it’s irrelevant as the pics were recent. But, guys will happily have sex with women they’re not particularly attracted to. They just won’t get into a relationship with them. So, even if he was “catfished”, and again, in this case he wasn’t, he would still have sex with her and then not be interested in taking it any further. 

[Alvi]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

So, even if he was “catfished”, and again, in this case he wasn’t, he would still have sex with her and then not be interested in taking it any further. 

Yeap, you are right. Some guys would sleep with anything given the opportunity. Bit calling her a catfish after spending a night together is totally uncalled for. He needs to own up to his actions. Heck, even ghosting her would've been a kinder thing to do than calling her a catfish.

OP, I don't know how old this guy is but he sounds incredibly immature and not in control of himself. Don't give him another thought. Keep moving on.

[Weezy1973]

21 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Bit calling her a catfish after spending a night together is totally uncalled for. He needs to own up to his actions.

No he doesn’t. He’s never going to see her again. He already moved on. Not saying it was the “right” thing for him to do, but if you’re doing OLD you need a thick skin. Ruminating on things like how he acted, or what he called her just wastes a lot of emotional energy. Not a match. Next.

[smackie9]

He doesn't even know the true meaning to what being "catfished" is. He's a total tool. Block/delete. Next!

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, Akasha41 said:

I know that I will move on from this and this is more of a thought dump being so fresh, but it does sting a little especially when I feel that I do everything to be upfront about who I am inside and out and in the end be accused of dishonesty while also being told repeatedly how great of a time it was. Bullet dodged and for that I'm thankful.

I'm sorry he hurt you.  Have you since updated your profile pictures since being diagnosed with Cushing's Disease?  Some people are sticklers for people to look like their pictures.

[Ami1uwant]

21 hours ago, Akasha41 said:

Thanks and yeah, it's not like it's so surprising especially with online dating. Imagine if he discovered that unmatching and blocking took even less effort. 

Something might have come up thst raised some flags.

 

catfishing isn’t just looks are different but you are older than profile says even if pictures are accurate.  Maybe in conversation you talked about something that dated you like— back in high school we had a favorite movie/ song that came out. If he researched this and say thst put you in high school a decade earlier that the age on your profile says it should be.

 

years ago …nearly 25 yrs ago…I git to talking to someone off line thst I got to know thru a site like this. She said she was closer to my age at the time but a few years older so no big deal to me. Later she says she’s actually 10 yrs old and having kids.  Thus was way before we ever met in person.

[poppyfields]

OP, this was an excuse (probably even to himself) to blame you, so he wouldn't appear like the "bad guy" for basically 'pumping and dumping' you.

You posted your pics were updated pics of you now, after the weight gain, so he knew perfectly well what you looked like. 

He made a date, had sex with you, then dumped. 

So this "catfishing" excuse was pure and utter BS.

You stated you are OK with ONS and had no expectations so all you can do now is simply laugh at the absurdity and carry on.

Guy is an absolute turd.

Edited August 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[BreakOnThrough]

You'll go back for more, push and pull, late night hookup request will be accepted.  Enjoy the roller coaster.

[JRabbit]

He's a player just playing his game. Shuffle this experience to the back of the deck and move forward.

[PotatoHead]

I experienced what I would consider a slight catfishing on bumble, although it was mostly my fault.  I've learned my lesson of what to expect if a woman does not provide any clear pictures of anything below their neck or bustline.  We messaged a lot and she told me about how she goes to the gym every day, loves going to the beach etc. so I was led to believe she was in shape and took great care of herself.  In reality she was probably 50-60 pounds overweight, maybe more.

We met and had a fun night, I put forth an honest effort to see if we could connect despite that there was no physical attraction.  The date lasted maybe 5 hours, and ended on a good note as I felt I wanted to give it some time and see how I felt the next day.  Which was when I realized that I was no longer excited to carry on with her or talk to her because the mental image that I had built up was broken.  I did not give her this reasoning but I ended it because I didn't want to waste any more of her time.

Not sure if this applies at all to what happened in your case, but thought I would share as it seemed similar.

Edited August 10, 2022 by PotatoHead

[Akasha41]

56 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

I experienced what I would consider a slight catfishing on bumble, although it was mostly my fault.  I've learned my lesson of what to expect if a woman does not provide any clear pictures of anything below their neck or bustline.  We messaged a lot and she told me about how she goes to the gym every day, loves going to the beach etc. so I was led to believe she was in shape and took great care of herself.  In reality she was probably 50-60 pounds overweight, maybe more.

We met and had a fun night, I put forth an honest effort to see if we could connect despite that there was no physical attraction.  The date lasted maybe 5 hours, and ended on a good note as I felt I wanted to give it some time and see how I felt the next day.  Which was when I realized that I was no longer excited to carry on with her or talk to her because the mental image that I had built up was broken.  I did not give her this reasoning but I ended it because I didn't want to waste any more of her time.

Not sure if this applies at all to what happened in your case, but thought I would share as it seemed similar.

I can understand how that feels; there have certainly been dates in the past where the guy didn't quite match his pictures or as you mentioned, if the pictures don't give a full collective image of the person, which can be obvious on some profiles if someone doesn't only has pics all from the same angle or shoulder-up. And of course you can have a good time on an initial date but not feel physically attracted to the person (which I'm sorry it was your case of someone being a little more dishonest), it happens and it's no one's fault when you're just trying to connect with new people. I hope you've had better Bumble experiences since then!

It's things like that which make me very conscientious about how I present myself hence why my pictures are very up-to-date (one full body, standing up straight that was taken literally a week before this ONS); the main reason why I even brought up my condition in the initial post is because it is something that is in the forefront of my life atm and still undergoing testing/treatment rn (family genetics are fuuun). In the end, it's more likely that it had nothing really to do with his response like everyone has already expressed here and I pretty much knew that, but in that moment it did hit a nerve for a second. He's beyond old news now. 🙂

[Alvi]

8 minutes ago, Akasha41 said:

He's beyond old news now. 🙂

Very glad to hear that! That guy is a tool.

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, Akasha41 said:

It's things like that which make me very conscientious about how I present myself hence why my pictures are very up-to-date.

You stated this^ earlier but apparently missed by some.  

Agree guy is a tool and happy to hear you have moved on from it. 

[flaxcapacitor]

I guess it's different to different people, I don't think many people would think that you were a catfish if you'd gained 15-20 lbs since your photos were taken as really that's nothing. But then some people are very superficial and highly specific about what weight/height/other physical characteristics you must have for them to date you and you can probably expect these people to overreact.

It's not just the overreaction to a small difference in your weight either that makes him a superficial toolbag. To me catfishing is a more specific thing where someone purposefully misrepresents themselves in order to attract a date. How we look varies from day to day, some days we look better so there's nothing dishonest about choosing those days to take photos for dating sites. If someone can't accept that, if they think so highly of themselves that they deserve better, or if they think they've been maliciously lured into dating someone they wouldn't normally be interested in... well that's their problem.

I don't date men though so I don't know how common that attitude is, maybe that's just what we're like *shrug*. Hope you find better.