My 19 year son is physically and emotionally abusive to me

[magnolia18]

Hello, newbie here and in dire need for advice please. I have two sons, 25 and 19 and have been trying to cope with an alcoholic husband for years, something which is obviously negatively affecting us all. My 19 year old is a really sharp and kind kid, on his first year at law school. He lives at home, is fully dependent on us and for the most part, he and I have a very good relationship, talk a lot about everything, help each other emotionally and get on quite well, most of the time.

However, he has always been pretty assertive, does not easily take no for an answer, always wants to have the last word and has been physically and emotionally abusive to me on two major occasions in the last 3 years. This usually follows a conversation that gets heated up for no real reason and when this happens, I usually say or show him that I do not want to keep talking and/or arguing on this tone, and will do so later when things calm down. On both occasions he refuses to accept or respect this.

The first time, I tried to get some time-out and retreated to my bedroom. He followed me up there, calling me names and relentlessly pursued me around the house, slamming doors and breaking things and physically shoving me and pushing me around. Today, the same thing happened, I said I did not wish to continue talking until he had calmed down and used a less aggressive tone of voice and when he did not respect that, I simply closed off my ears with my hands and concentrated on my laptop, choosing to ignore him.

He responded by coming over to where I was sitting, towering over me, grabbing by wrists and physically pulling them away from my ears, pinning me down and calling me names. I did not speak to him at all, just tried to defend myself and free myself from his grasp and accidentally knocking his phone down. He continued to grab and hurt me physically, shutting down and threatening to break my laptop, calling me names and laughing in my face.

This behavior is very very hurtful for me and I don’t know how to cope with it. I realize that his father addiction to alcohol may be at the root of some of this aggressive behavior, but I don’t think it justifies the whole of it. Last time this happened, I left the house for 5 days. This time, I decided to face him with consequences, so I withdrew his monthly allowance from his bank account. I am planning to tell him that I am perfectly happy to pay for his lifestyle and studies, as long as we are in a mutually loving and respectful relationship, but not otherwise. I do not know what else to do and how to cope with this very hurtful situation and any advice would be more than welcome.

Edited August 6, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, magnolia18 said:

 He followed me up there, calling me names and relentlessly pursued me around the house, slamming doors and breaking things and physically shoving me and pushing me around.  He responded by coming over to where I was sitting, towering over me, grabbing by wrists and physically pulling them away from my ears, pinning me down and calling me names.

Sorry this is happening. He needs to move out, get a job and his own place. You are under zero obligation to support, no less spoil him and tolerate abuse. Alternatively don't just hide in your bedroom, call the police and have him removed. You need to stop pampering him.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

I am planning to tell him that I am perfectly happy to pay for his lifestyle and studies, as long as we are in a mutually loving and respectful relationship, but not otherwise. I do not know what else to do and how to cope with this very hurtful situation and any advice would be more than welcome.

Why are you paying for his lifestyle when he's an adult?  Let him get a job to pay for his lifestyle.  Stop coddling him and let him be a man.  He needs to be out of the house if he's physically abusing you.  Why did you leave for 5 days instead of kicking him out?

[basil67]

Unfortunately, this is bigger than just him and you - thing is, if he'll do it to you, he'll do it to future girlfriends/wife. 

You talk about the two of you having an otherwise good relationship, so what would happen if you sat him down today and talk about what happened?   Would he express remorse?  If so, it would be a perfect time to line him up with some therapy which is aimed at anger management with respect to domestic abuse.   You could pay for the therapy but make attendance compulsory if he wants to continue residing with you.

Is there any reason you choose to fully support him?  At 19, there's no reason he can't have a part time job while he does further studies.  It's not just about the money, but also about fostering independence and a good work ethic.  

Lastly, if this ever happens again, I agree that you should the police to come and intervene.  Not just for your own safety, but as a wakeup call to him

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You talk about the two of you having an otherwise good relationship, so what would happen if you sat him down today and talk about what happened?   Would he express remorse?  If so, it would be a perfect time to line him up with some therapy which is aimed at anger management with respect to domestic abuse.   You could pay for the therapy but make attendance compulsory if he wants to continue residing with you.

This is good advice.

Otherwise, I would say that he should not be living in your home any longer. I would require him to find his own living accommodations - it is not unusual for young men of his age who are attending post secondary education to live in a dormitory or share an apartment with a friend. I would not be paying his living expenses either - it’s one thing to pay his tuition, but he can get a job or a student loan such that he is invested in his own education/supporting himself. You are not helping him if you continue as you things have been, he either needs to get some counselling or there needs to be a consequence/you need to put some distance between yourselves for your own safety.

Edited August 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[SingFish]

3 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

This behavior is very very hurtful for me and I don’t know how to cope with it.

No one does, it's apparently a hidden form of abuse, adult children to their parents. There are now tons of books on the subject, but no easy answers.

What does your husband say about it all?

Probably best to get yourself a therapist and support group as wife of an alcoholic, because you can hardly expect your son to respect family boundaries if they don't apply to his father. 

I tend to think big picture regarding things like calling the police ( well I don't believe in the police as family counselors anyway! ) It solves one problem then creates a bigger one. Same with insisting on getting a job, some young adults do well with that, others can't cope and drop out of school. 

It's not assertive though to leave the house yourself or withdraw money from someone else's account- end the joint account and talk to him about your expectations for his behavior. 

I know it's horrible in your situation, and not having a responsible co-parent to support each other. Create a support network of people who understand. 

 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, SingFish said:

Probably best to get yourself a therapist

Another REALLy good suggestion, if you don’t have a counsellor already. This person can support you to establish a healthy boundary and help you to be more assertive - both with your son and perhaps also your husband. Not easy things to do at the best of circumstances, more difficult here given your husband abuse of alcohol and the things your son has witnessed/learned in his childhood. 

Best wishes. 

Edited August 7, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

He responded by coming over to where I was sitting, towering over me, grabbing by wrists and physically pulling them away from my ears, pinning me down . He continued to grab and hurt me physically, shutting down and threatening to break my laptop, calling me names and laughing in my face.

Assault is a crime. If he did this to anyone else he would be in jail. Call the police. Not as a lesson, but to prevent a tragedy for you. The longer you turn a blind eye to this, the more you put yourself in serious danger. Cutting off his allowance is for naughty 9 year olds, not grown men who assault you.

[Wiseman2]

You can also call a domestic violence hotline for information and support. Domestic violence is not just about spouses. Matricide happens and you're at high risk for it. This is not something family therapy can resolve. You need police intervention.

[magnolia18]

Thank you all for your input and advice. I think I will follow the advice many of you have given by giving him an ultimatum that if anything like this ever happens again, he moves out and I notify the police. And yes, Bailey, we do sit down and discuss things over and he does say sorry for overreacting and that it was wrong of him, but that I had my own share of guilt in this e.g for refusing to continue the discussion (apparently, in his mind,  I am only allowed to remove myself from a discussion if he agrees!!!!), or saying or doing so and so.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, magnolia18 said:

I think I will follow the advice many of you have given by giving him an ultimatum that if anything like this ever happens again, he moves out and I notify the police.

This is exactly what needs to happen. He has assualted you, which is a crime. Next time, let the authorities deal with him. 

Consider that if he does this to his own mother, there is little stopping him from abusing future intimate partners. You are seeing an abusive boyfriend/husband-in-the-making here. This is very disturbing and needs to be addressed immediately, not only for your own sake but also that of partners he might have one day. He clearly has problems with anger and impulse control, and that is something which will absolutely show up in his relationships down the line. 

Is his father abusive? You say he's an alcoholic but I wonder what sort of behaviour your son has been witness to over the years. 

[magnolia18]

48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is exactly what needs to happen. He has assualted you, which is a crime. Next time, let the authorities deal with him. 

Consider that if he does this to his own mother, there is little stopping him from abusing future intimate partners. You are seeing an abusive boyfriend/husband-in-the-making here. This is very disturbing and needs to be addressed immediately, not only for your own sake but also that of partners he might have one day. He clearly has problems with anger and impulse control, and that is something which will absolutely show up in his relationships down the line. 

Is his father abusive? You say he's an alcoholic but I wonder what sort of behaviour your son has been witness to over the years. 

Hi, thanks. No, his father may be an alcoholic but he is/never has been abusive or violent.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He has assualted you, which is a crime. Next time, let the authorities deal with him. 

Yes. This way, the police can take him to an ER for a psych evaluation and drug screening. Perhaps he's a spoiled brat, but it's possible something else is going on neurologically, psychiatrically or involving drugs. This is not a "family therapy" or "family conference" situation, this is a police intervention situation. How did he get into law school at 19?

[ASG]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. This way, the police can take him to an ER for a psych evaluation and drug screening. Perhaps he's a spoiled brat, but it's possible something else is going on neurologically, psychiatrically or involving drugs. This is not a "family therapy" or "family conference" situation, this is a police intervention situation. How did he get into law school at 19?

OP might not live in the US. Where I'm from "law school" is just the name of the law degree you can enter at 18. Just like you go straight into med school. 

OP, his apology is not an apology at all. He is gaslighting you. He is basically saying "you made me do it". Do not tolerate that kind of behaviour. Next time call the cops. And let him know this is what will happen. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ASG said:

OP, his apology is not an apology at all. He is basically saying "you made me do it". 

I tend to agree with this. 

I’m not sure I would wait for “the next time.” He is an adult, there is no reason why he can’t be taking steps to live on his own. 

And I too am concerned that this has all the red flags of the possibility of intimate partner violence in the future. Is there any way that he can participate in some anger management classes, or counselling? 

[ShyViolet]

You absolutely need to have a conversation with him, during a time when both of you are calm, that if this ever happens again you are calling the police immediately.  And if it does actually happen again, FOLLOW THROUGH.

At this point I think you should also kick him out of the house.  Give him whatever period of time the law requires, whether it's 60 days or 90 days or whatever.  Tell him he needs to be out. It's time for some tough boundaries.  I wouldn't wait for the "next time" to kick him out.... I think he's earned it now.

I'm glad you cut off his allowance, but that is not nearly enough.

If you don't give this man a reality check now and some tough boundaries, he will go through life as an abuser and will probably treat future girlfriends like this.

[Els]

19 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

I am planning to tell him that I am perfectly happy to pay for his lifestyle and studies, as long as we are in a mutually loving and respectful relationship, but not otherwise.

What?? Why???

Honestly, it sounds to me like he has been spoiled, coddled, and allowed to grow up with a sense of entitlement all his life. This sort of behaviour may merely be annoying in a boy of 12 years, but unfortunately, as you've seen, it becomes incredibly dangerous in a 19 yo man. And unfortunately, you are likely a big contributor to that.

He needs to start being responsible for himself right away, rather than being allowed to behave like a spoiled child. Let him take on student loans and support himself, and live in college accommodation.

And yes, call the police if it ever happens again when he is visiting you.

Edited August 7, 2022 by Elswyth

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

Thank you all for your input and advice. I think I will follow the advice many of you have given by giving him an ultimatum that if anything like this ever happens again, he moves out and I notify the police. And yes, Bailey, we do sit down and discuss things over and he does say sorry for overreacting and that it was wrong of him, but that I had my own share of guilt in this e.g for refusing to continue the discussion (apparently, in his mind,  I am only allowed to remove myself from a discussion if he agrees!!!!), or saying or doing so and so.

This is good but if it were me I wouldn't wait for a "next time" before putting him out.  Once he got physical with me (his mother) it's time to leave before it happens again.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

I think I will follow the advice many of you have given by giving him an ultimatum that if anything like this ever happens again, he moves out and I notify the police.

Thinking about this more, I would actually go further than that - I would tell him that all financial support with be withdrawn. Not only will he not be living with you, you will not be paying for his tuition, his rent, his groceries, his legal fees, etc… He needs to get a sense of exactly how serious this is and that you are prepared to follow-through. 

He needs to understand that he is not entitled to anything. As his parent, you have done your job and at this point, you are not required to pay for his education or support him financially. This can, and should, all be gone in an instant if anything like this ever happens again.

Again, you are not helping him if you allow him to continue in this way with no consequence. 

Edited August 7, 2022 by BaileyB

[magnolia18]

Thank you all for your answers. Concerning some questions some of you may have, as to why my son is still living with us and is financially dependent on us, you should be aware that not everybody posting on these forums lives in the US or the UK. In my country and culture, families are very close knit, family ties are strong and it is very common for children to live at home and be dependent on their parents, at least until they complete their studies, get a job, get married. So my son living in the family home while studying and us paying for everything is really quite ok. What is obviously not OK is his abusive behaviour towards me and you have all being raising my concerns as to what this may breed in the future.

[notbroken]

He is almost assuredly going to abuse other women and possibly his children.   He needs anger management/counselling before he gets there and/or gets arrested and ruins his law career.  DO NOT tolerate this.   You MUST follow through on your plan for both his sake and yours.  Violence escalates.  He needs to understand it is not an option and the fault is his own.  HE controls his emotions - not others.   Losing ones temper is almost always a personal failing - not the fault of someone else.                 

[S2B]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

This is good but if it were me I wouldn't wait for a "next time" before putting him out.  Once he got physical with me (his mother) it's time to leave before it happens again.

Why would he get a “next time”?

he’s threatened YOU in your OWN home! Get him out now.

when he’s forced to learn to pay for his own “lifestyle” without you ‘helping him (abuse you)… he may stop disrespecting you! You’ve had NO boundary.

without  consequences that are swift and harsh - he won’t change.

people mainly change because they become uncomfortable - he’s been waaaay too comfortable! Because you have ALLOWED all of this with no consequences.

put him out today. He has one hour to pack a few things and get out.

read codependent no more by Beattie - you may get some tips from that book that help you.

 

it’s not healthy for you to make excuses for him being there.

Edited August 7, 2022 by S2B

[S2B]

23 minutes ago, magnolia18 said:

Thank you all for your answers. Concerning some questions some of you may have, as to why my son is still living with us and is financially dependent on us, you should be aware that not everybody posting on these forums lives in the US or the UK. In my country and culture, families are very close knit, family ties are strong and it is very common for children to live at home and be dependent on their parents, at least until they complete their studies, get a job, get married. So my son living in the family home while studying and us paying for everything is really quite ok. What is obviously not OK is his abusive behaviour towards me and you have all being raising my concerns as to what this may breed in the future.

Well, it may be part of your culture to have him live with you - UNTIL he is unreasonable in the way he participates - which is what he’s done = so he’s out! 
No more chances. You should NEVER feel unsafe in your own home!

[stillafool]

40 minutes ago, S2B said:

n my country and culture, families are very close knit, family ties are strong and it is very common for children to live at home and be dependent on their parents, at least until they complete their studies, get a job, get married. So my son living in the family home while studying and us paying for everything is really quite ok.

Is it common in your country to let children stay in your home even when they are abusing you?  The fact that you have to put your hands over your ears to not hear his screaming, physical abuse and you having to leave YOUR home for 5 days instead of him is not acceptable.

[SingFish]

1 hour ago, magnolia18 said:

Thank you all for your answers. Concerning some questions some of you may have, as to why my son is still living with us and is financially dependent on us, you should be aware that not everybody posting on these forums lives in the US or the UK. In my country and culture, families are very close knit, family ties are strong and it is very common for children to live at home and be dependent on their parents, at least until they complete their studies, get a job, get married. So my son living in the family home while studying and us paying for everything is really quite ok. What is obviously not OK is his abusive behaviour towards me and you have all being raising my concerns as to what this may breed in the future.

Hope you can find some support for yourself. Sorry you are going through this.