My 19 year son is physically and emotionally abusive to me

[SingFish]

How is your relationship with your older son @magnolia18?

Maybe he could talk to his brother. 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

In my country and culture, families are very close knit, family ties are strong and it is very common for children to live at home and be dependent on their parents, at least until they complete their studies, get a job, get married. So my son living in the family home while studying and us paying for everything is really quite ok. 

Even here in the US, it's no longer the norm for children to leave home at age 18.  With today's economy the way it is, kids very often live at home until their mid 20's.  I left home at 24.  So I don't think this is unique to your culture.

The above sounds a lot like you making excuses for him.  His privilege to live at home and be supported by you should disappear when he behaves abusively as he has been doing.  

[basil67]

13 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

Thank you all for your input and advice. I think I will follow the advice many of you have given by giving him an ultimatum that if anything like this ever happens again, he moves out and I notify the police.

I think that this choice, combined with compulsory therapy is the way to go.

In my view, your parenting of him isn't done yet.  I respect that in your culture kids stay dependent until they finish collect, and with this in mind, if he doesn't know how to get and hold a job, things will go from bad to worse if he's thrown out. He will struggle to survive...and if he's in 'surivival mode' it's highly unlikely he could access the type of quality therapy he so desperately needs.  I'd hate to see a smart young man have the rug pulled out from under him without having first tried all possible solutions to help him learn to manage his behaviour while being supported by you in a family environment. 

Of course, this is all written with the caveat that he commits to therapy and that your safety is not threatened again.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Even here in the US, it's no longer the norm for children to leave home at age 18.  With today's economy the way it is, kids very often live at home until their mid 20's.  I left home at 24.  So I don't think this is unique to your culture.

It was the same for me too. That said, had either myself of my brother physically threatened one of our parents, that may have been very different. My parents were always very clear that living at home as young adults was a privilege, not a right. 

I too do not think your parenting is done. Think of it this way, you have the opportunity to teach your son a very important life lesson. This is a time when you can enforce a consequence without having it change the course of his life. Again, may be different in your culture but what if he is in a relationship and he becomes physical when angry at his girlfriend - and she goes to the police. He will be wishing then that you taught him now what the consequences are for this kind of behavior…

Edited August 8, 2022 by BaileyB

[magnolia18]

So....update. He wrote me a letter saying he realizes he got totally out of control for no reason and that his behavior was totally wrong and unacceptable and he is truly sorry. He says he understands that I must be feeling angry, sad and disappointed and I have every right to feel this way, that he understands all this could have been avoided if he had kept his feelings under control and that he wishes he could go back in time. That he would like to discuss things with me whenever I feel ready and that until then, he wants me to know he loves me and is devastated by what he did. I have not responded yet in any way, but I feel this is definitely a positive step and I am considering having a conversation with him soon.

[S2B]

What is your response to him going to be?

do you know what your healthy boundary is? Do you plan to lay down consequences for his bad behavior?

 

by the way - although this is a good response from him - it is also typical abusive behavior.

[S2B]

It’s not the first time he’s done this - so he has a pattern. So it can’t be overlooked like it was a one time thing. 

[SingFish]

4 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

So....update. He wrote me a letter saying he realizes he got totally out of control for no reason and that his behavior was totally wrong and unacceptable and he is truly sorry. He says he understands that I must be feeling angry, sad and disappointed and I have every right to feel this way, that he understands all this could have been avoided if he had kept his feelings under control and that he wishes he could go back in time. That he would like to discuss things with me whenever I feel ready and that until then, he wants me to know he loves me and is devastated by what he did. I have not responded yet in any way, but I feel this is definitely a positive step and I am considering having a conversation with him soon.

You have to do what works for you and your family.

That said I really think you need some support outside the family if it's available, like a therapist or support group.

[basil67]

It's great that he could recongise that he's wrong and apologise.  However, the fact remains that he doesn't yet have the tools to manage his anger appropriately.  While things are calm, now is the time to get him into anger management therapy.    You want to get on top of this before he's released out into the world and you lose the advantage of being able to insist on him getting help.

 

[S2B]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's great that he could recongise that he's wrong and apologise.  However, the fact remains that he doesn't yet have the tools to manage his anger appropriately.  While things are calm, now is the time to get him into anger management therapy.    You want to get on top of this before he's released out into the world and you lose the advantage of being able to insist on him getting help.

 

It’s likely she can’t “make him” since he’s older then 18.

he would need to agree to get help.

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, S2B said:

It’s likely she can’t “make him” since he’s older then 18.

he would need to agree to get help.

I'm sure OP remembers my earlier post where I said that being able to stay at home would come with the caveat of getting help. 

Edited August 9, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

On 8/7/2022 at 6:22 PM, ShyViolet said:

Even here in the US, it's no longer the norm for children to leave home at age 18. 

Agree. Even if you are from a more collectivist culture/country, it's not unique that adult children still live at home and their parents pay for everything. In fact sadly the US is one of the top 10 countries with dependant adult children living at home. So that is not the issue.

What is the real problem is an adult child abusing and terrorizing a frail parent. Focus on that aspect. Call the police. While it's ok to support his education, it's not ok to support criminal behaviors. Is it possible he's using drugs or has mental illness?

Edited August 9, 2022 by Wiseman2

[magnolia18]

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Even if you are from a more collectivist culture/country, it's not unique that adult children still live at home and their parents pay for everything. In fact sadly the US is one of the top 10 countries with dependant adult children living at home. So that is not the issue.

What is the real problem is an adult child abusing and terrorizing a frail parent. Focus on that aspect. Call the police. While it's ok to support his education, it's not ok to support criminal behaviors. Is it possible he's using drugs or has mental illness?

No, he is not doing drugs, has no mental illness and I do not consider myself a "frail" parent. Otherwise, agreed, thanks

[ShyViolet]

20 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

So....update. He wrote me a letter saying he realizes he got totally out of control for no reason and that his behavior was totally wrong and unacceptable and he is truly sorry. He says he understands that I must be feeling angry, sad and disappointed and I have every right to feel this way, that he understands all this could have been avoided if he had kept his feelings under control and that he wishes he could go back in time. That he would like to discuss things with me whenever I feel ready and that until then, he wants me to know he loves me and is devastated by what he did. I have not responded yet in any way, but I feel this is definitely a positive step and I am considering having a conversation with him soon.

Look at what his incentives are.  He wrote you a letter once he calmed down and realized that he stands to lose A LOT of money and financial support over this.  This might all be manipulative.

I still think you need to stick to imposing consequences.  When someone commits a crime, they don't avoid the consequences just because they apologize.  

[BaileyB]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's great that he could recongise that he's wrong and apologise.  However, the fact remains that he doesn't yet have the tools to manage his anger appropriately.  While things are calm, now is the time to get him into anger management therapy.    You want to get on top of this before he's released out into the world and you lose the advantage of being able to insist on him getting help.

 

I think it is a very positive step and I would tell him that I appreciated the sincerity of the letter. 

That said, I agree again with basil. I would set some boundaries as previously discussed such that he understand exactly what will happen if anything like this happens again. And then, I would require him to do some anger management classes and/or counselling - whatever is available in your country. Give him the tools - use this as a learning experience and help him to deal with other situations in relationships that will make him angry/frustrated. Now is the time, because he lives in your home you have the ability to require him to do get some counselling… take full advantage of that to help him avoid more serious problems in the future.