Don't understand what happened

[SoAlone85]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm sitting here completely confused and more than a little sad.

I found an old HS BF on FB, and we started chatting on a regular basis. He lives in another state, so I just wanted to be friends, but soon, he started talking about sex. Typical man, so I just said I didn't want to talk about sex, but he kept on. It got to be a heated fight over sex. This happened several times, over the course of the last year. He told my bestie that he loved me, probably always has. I wasn't sure I believe that, but I was starting to have feelings for him too. At the beginning of the summer, we made plans for me to come to see him, but I backed out because I was insecure about my looks. I've gained a lot of weight since HS, and during one fight he called me fat and ugly. He's not exactly Adonis, lost most of his hair, has a beer belly. Still, no girl wants to drive 600 miles to be rejected, so I lied and told him I had COVID.

After that, he had some health problems, and while I couldn't go up there, I was keeping in touch with him on a daily basis and we were regularly sayin "I love you" back and forth. We seemed to be fine until a couple of weeks ago. Everything was fine, then he just stopped responding to my texts. I caught him online a couple of times and we chatted, but the chats were very short, with him making excuses to end the chat. Now he has just ghosted me altogether. I know there isn't another woman, because I have a friend who lives close to him and she says he doesn't have anyone. 

I finally just got tired of it, and nicely said that I was just going to leave him alone, because I was not going to drive myself crazy trying to figure out what's going on with him. Normally, he would reply and we'd talk it out, but nope. No reply. Still, he isn't blocking me on FB like he does when he's mad. 

It's breaking my heart, but I know I didn't do anything wrong. I even sent him an email saying I couldn't figure out why he was acting like this, and if he wanted me gone, just say so. No reply. 

This just makes no sense to me, but I'm going to let him go. I never thought we would end like this. We've always talked things out. It's just insane. 

Thanks for listening. Just needed to vent to someone. My bestie says she doesn't want to hear anything about him anymore, because she thinks I should just walk away after he had treated me so bad for so long. I think she's right, but easier said than done.

[basil67]

Your friend is right - the guy sounds positively awful.  Blocking you, calling names, frequent fights between the two of you....don't you want better for yourself?   

 

[SoAlone85]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your friend is right - the guy sounds positively awful.  Blocking you, calling names, frequent fights between the two of you....don't you want better for yourself?   

 

Yes, of course I do, but I was hoping we could be friends. We WERE friends, being kind and nice to each other, actually getting along, then all of a sudden this. But thinking back, he's done this before. He started an argument once, and blocked me. I demanded an explanation as to WTH was going on, and he refused to give me one. I think he has mental issues, tbh, or he's just a malignant narcissist. I asked him once why everything had to always be about him, and he got very angry. 

But yes, I deserve better. I'm so glad we broke up all those years ago. I can't imagine how he treated his wives. One left him and one died. 

 

[Akasha41]

26 minutes ago, SoAlone85 said:

Yes, of course I do, but I was hoping we could be friends. We WERE friends, being kind and nice to each other, actually getting along, then all of a sudden this. But thinking back, he's done this before. He started an argument once, and blocked me. I demanded an explanation as to WTH was going on, and he refused to give me one. I think he has mental issues, tbh, or he's just a malignant narcissist. I asked him once why everything had to always be about him, and he got very angry. 

But yes, I deserve better. I'm so glad we broke up all those years ago. I can't imagine how he treated his wives. One left him and one died. 

 

It sucks when you want proper closure (which from personal experience, rarely happens or never the way you want it to) and based on his repeated behavior, if he did respond it would just keep sucking you back into the vicious cycle. Friendship is a two way street and it really doesn't sound like he is or was capable of doing that with the lack of respect for your boundaries and how quick he resorted to blocking and insulting you when disagreements arose; I'm also going to guess that the times he apologized, if ever, were far and few in between. I had a long friendship end ultimately because they were a narcissist and no matter how good or fun times seemed, it would always be on their terms and they expected the world of everyone else, but God forbid you ask for a fraction in return.

You definitely deserve better than that in a friend and romantic partner and silence is hard, but in time it'll get easier.

[SoAlone85]

36 minutes ago, Akasha41 said:

It sucks when you want proper closure (which from personal experience, rarely happens or never the way you want it to) and based on his repeated behavior, if he did respond it would just keep sucking you back into the vicious cycle. Friendship is a two way street and it really doesn't sound like he is or was capable of doing that with the lack of respect for your boundaries and how quick he resorted to blocking and insulting you when disagreements arose; I'm also going to guess that the times he apologized, if ever, were far and few in between. I had a long friendship end ultimately because they were a narcissist and no matter how good or fun times seemed, it would always be on their terms and they expected the world of everyone else, but God forbid you ask for a fraction in return.

You definitely deserve better than that in a friend and romantic partner and silence is hard, but in time it'll get easier.

When he apologized, he would write these long, sweet letters begging me to forgive him and be his friend again. Last time we really talked he told me he tried to leave me but after a few days, he's just missed me so much, he couldn't let go. I feel like it's all bullshit. I don't think he knows what love is. He shows people he cares by buying them things, and when that doesn't work, he gets angry. He told me I was the only person he couldn't throw money at and make happy. He was flabbergasted that I didn't want his money.

Well, it's over now. I'm determined not to let him back in this time, in fact this time, I'm blocking  him.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, SoAlone85 said:

 My bestie says she doesn't want to hear anything about him anymore, because she thinks I should just walk away 

Your friends are right. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Try to discover what led you to go down this path of self-defeating behavior. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, SoAlone85 said:

he started talking about sex. Typical man, so I just said I didn't want to talk about sex, but he kept on. It got to be a heated fight over sex. This happened several times,

This is where you should have stopped all communication. Don't fight about it - just recognize he's not the guy you are hoping for and drop him. 

8 hours ago, SoAlone85 said:

during one fight he called me fat and ugly.

Oh, girl. It's so sad that you held out hope for someone who treats you this poorly. It tells me your self-esteem is very low and you don't know what love is, either. Because this isn't it. It's a toxic mess. What have your previous relationships been like? 

This man is horrible. I would encourage you reflect on why you are attracted to this goblin. Hearing sweet words sometimes or him begging for other chances is not enough. That fleeting validation does not compensate for the overall dysfunction. It sounds like you are maybe lonely and don't feel you can find someone, so you were clinging on to anyone that came along who made you feel wanted - even if he treats you like crap and demeans you. There is something inside you that needs fixing if you are chasing after a man like this. 

[SoAlone85]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is where you should have stopped all communication. Don't fight about it - just recognize he's not the guy you are hoping for and drop him. 

Oh, girl. It's so sad that you held out hope for someone who treats you this poorly. It tells me your self-esteem is very low and you don't know what love is, either. Because this isn't it. It's a toxic mess. What have your previous relationships been like? 

This man is horrible. I would encourage you reflect on why you are attracted to this goblin. Hearing sweet words sometimes or him begging for other chances is not enough. That fleeting validation does not compensate for the overall dysfunction. It sounds like you are maybe lonely and don't feel you can find someone, so you were clinging on to anyone that came along who made you feel wanted - even if he treats you like crap and demeans you. There is something inside you that needs fixing if you are chasing after a man like this. 

I know I've been an old fool. For awhile, we were happy in the "what if?" scenario, but very soon I could see how damaged he was. I don't know why I chose to ignore the warning signs. Yes, I do have low self-esteem and he is a master manipulator. I feel like this is just another (and his final) attempt to manipulate me into begging him to talk to me. Nope. 

You may or may not believe in tarot, but every single reading I've had for the last month has had The Devil in it and most were telling me that I needed to leave the devil energy behind. I don't live my life by what the cards say, but that was just too much of a coincidence for me, considering what was going on, it made my hair stand on end. 

We were both lonely, and admitted that we were two lonely people living in the "what if" fantasy. Well, I have no time for fantasies anymore. I just want to get these bills paid off and move on. He can (and probably has) found someone else to play with. At one time, he was into cam girls, spent a lot of money on them. I'm sure he's probably gone back to that, because I'm not exciting enough for him. 

WHAT WAS I THINKING? He's never gotten past his high school mentality. Devil, tortured soul or just stupid man, I need to move on.

[SoAlone85]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your friends are right. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Try to discover what led you to go down this path of self-defeating behavior. 

I'm already seeing a counselor. I feel like if I just block him out of my life, concentrate on my own needs, I will be a lot better. Physically, I'm working on ME for ME now, changing my entire lifestyle to make ME better.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, SoAlone85 said:

I feel like if I just block him out of my life, concentrate on my own needs, I will be a lot better. Physically, I'm working on ME for ME now, changing my entire lifestyle to make ME better.

This is a fantastic plan. 

This guy is no good. He won't ever be the happiness you're searching for in a relationship. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, SoAlone85 said:

I'm already seeing a counselor. I feel like if I just block him out of my life, concentrate on my own needs, I will be a lot better. Physically, I'm working on ME for ME now, changing my entire lifestyle to make ME better.

 

Have you since blocked him from contacting you?  He is not your friend.

[SoAlone85]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Have you since blocked him from contacting you?  He is not your friend.

Yes, but he's found ways back in before. Using Google voice to text me, using other people's phones, even writing snail mails. This was all before his health problems, though. No doubt, he's still not a good person, but he seems to have calmed down a bit. Still, I don't put it past him to show up at my door one day. I don't think he's dangerous, just really messed up. 

[stillafool]

26 minutes ago, SoAlone85 said:

Yes, but he's found ways back in before. Using Google voice to text me, using other people's phones, even writing snail mails. This was all before his health problems, though. No doubt, he's still not a good person, but he seems to have calmed down a bit. Still, I don't put it past him to show up at my door one day. I don't think he's dangerous, just really messed up. 

I guess you'll have to monitor those carefully to make sure he doesn't get thru to you.  Since he lives 600 miles away and is sick it's doubtful he will show up at your door.  BTW, never travel to see a man 600 miles from you, ask him to travel to see you.

Edited August 7, 2022 by stillafool

[Els]

18 hours ago, SoAlone85 said:

Yes, of course I do, but I was hoping we could be friends.

Whatever for? Surely you have other, better, friends in your life?

[SoAlone85]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I guess you'll have to monitor those carefully to make sure he doesn't get thru to you.  Since he lives 600 miles away and is sick it's doubtful he will show up at your door.  BTW, never travel to see a man 600 miles from you, ask him to travel to see you.

I've known him since I was 15 years old. We hadn't talked in many years, but once we did, it was just like old times. I think the fact that we grew up together and dated was what made him more familiar than he should have been, but still, he doesn't seem to know how to respect boundaries. He's still in our home state, and I have a friend who lives close to him and knows him and his family. He lives with his daughter and SIL (long private story, but he needs to stay there for everyone's sake), so I don't feel like I would be in any danger. I really don't feel like he's dangerous, and if I didn't know him from way back, I would never have agreed to go see him. I work remotely, and he has a job where he can't just take days off to go visit someone. Anyway, I backed out, which didn't seem to upset him as much as I thought it would. He usually gets really upset when he doesn't get what he wants. 

I'm just rambling. I just want to make it clear that the conflict was back and forth, and sometimes I was the one to blame, although it was nearly always him who started things. He's just not as confrontational now as he was before his health issues. 

[SoAlone85]

13 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Whatever for? Surely you have other, better, friends in your life?

Because we grew up in the same town, went to the same HS and dated for awhile. We parted as friends when I moved to another city, and lost touch. He was always a friend. I just found him by accident on FB when looking for somebody else. I never expected that he would have changed that much, but I guess we all change. I loved him very much at one time, and if we hadn't had to move with my dad's job, I think we might have gotten married. Maybe he'd be a different person if we had, maybe that's just who he is and I never really saw it. Still, you can't have too many friends, can you? I have a few very close friends. I don't collect friends and I'm not very sociable.

[Els]

27 minutes ago, SoAlone85 said:

Because we grew up in the same town, went to the same HS and dated for awhile. We parted as friends when I moved to another city, and lost touch. He was always a friend. I just found him by accident on FB when looking for somebody else. I never expected that he would have changed that much, but I guess we all change. I loved him very much at one time, and if we hadn't had to move with my dad's job, I think we might have gotten married. Maybe he'd be a different person if we had, maybe that's just who he is and I never really saw it. Still, you can't have too many friends, can you? I have a few very close friends. I don't collect friends and I'm not very sociable.

No, see, you're making excuses for him I'm afraid. No real friend will ignore your sexual boundaries, kick you when you're down, or disrespect you like that. Yes, friends can and do fight, but not like THAT. 

It doesn't matter how he turned out like that. All that matters is that this is who he is... and you certainly don't want a friend who behaves the way he is behaving.

You can definitely have "too many friends" if you allow in people who have treated you so poorly.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

Whatever for? Surely you have other, better, friends in your life?

I was going to ask the same question.  This guy is toxic and is no where near the boy you knew at 15.  Did he call you names back then too?

1 hour ago, SoAlone85 said:

I've known him since I was 15 years old. We hadn't talked in many years, but once we did, it was just like old times. I think the fact that we grew up together and dated was what made him more familiar than he should have been, but still, he doesn't seem to know how to respect boundaries. He's still in our home state, and I have a friend who lives close to him and knows him and his family. He lives with his daughter and SIL (long private story, but he needs to stay there for everyone's sake), so I don't feel like I would be in any danger. I really don't feel like he's dangerous, and if I didn't know him from way back, I would never have agreed to go see him. I work remotely, and he has a job where he can't just take days off to go visit someone. Anyway, I backed out, which didn't seem to upset him as much as I thought it would. He usually gets really upset when he doesn't get what he wants. 

I'm just rambling. I just want to make it clear that the conflict was back and forth, and sometimes I was the one to blame, although it was nearly always him who started things. He's just not as confrontational now as he was before his health issues. 

I didn't mean don't travel to see him because he's dangerous.  I meant that you he should do the hard work and travel to see you but at this point it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

[SoAlone85]

34 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

No, see, you're making excuses for him I'm afraid. No real friend will ignore your sexual boundaries, kick you when you're down, or disrespect you like that. Yes, friends can and do fight, but not like THAT. 

It doesn't matter how he turned out like that. All that matters is that this is who he is... and you certainly don't want a friend who behaves the way he is behaving.

You can definitely have "too many friends" if you allow in people who have treated you so poorly.

You don't know the things he has been through since I left him at 18, nor do you know what I have been through that would make me sympathetic to him. Let's just say we are both damaged, he moreso than I evidently. My major goal was to help him, and the fact that I failed was because I am not the one meant to help him. Hopefully, that one will show up, and he will have a better life. I'm the kind who is going to do everything I can to help someone I care about. I don't shirk my responsibility as a human being because it may be painful. When it gets too painful, I take myself out of the situation. He is too troubled for me to help him, but honestly, I still love him as an old friend and fellow human being. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be a doormat for them. 

[SoAlone85]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I was going to ask the same question.  This guy is toxic and is no where near the boy you knew at 15.  Did he call you names back then too?I I didn't mean don't travel to see him because he's dangerous.  I meant that you he should do the hard work and travel to see you but at this point it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

That, to me, is a very old fashioned way of thinking, but that's o.k. You do you and I'll do me. I was raised with different rules, like enlightened, independent women do not need to wait for a man to come to her. She can ask him out, go visit him, ask him to go on a trip with her, whatever. I don't need to play hard to get to get a man.

Edited August 7, 2022 by SoAlone85

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, SoAlone85 said:

That, to me, is a very old fashioned way of thinking, but that's o.k. You do you and I'll do me. I was raised with different rules, like enlightened, independent women do not need to wait for a man to come to her. She can ask him out, go visit him, ask him to go on a trip with her, whatever. I don't need to play hard to get to get a man.

You most certainly aren't playing hard to get.  I meant for your safety to have to drive 600 miles alone is dangerous.  I have no problem with women asking a man out, paying for the date and having sex with him in a tree if that is what she wants to do, but safety first.   I will do me because I would never allow a man or anyone to talk to me the way this guy does you and still want to be their friend.

[SoAlone85]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You most certainly aren't playing hard to get.  I meant for your safety to have to drive 600 miles alone is dangerous.  I have no problem with women asking a man out, paying for the date and having sex with him in a tree if that is what she wants to do, but safety first.   I will do me because I would never allow a man or anyone to talk to me the way this guy does you and still want to be their friend.

I've driven all over this country alone, at night, sometimes with small children in the car. I know how to be safe. The thing with troubled people is that NOBODY wants to be their friend, and that creates an environment that lets them get even worse. Being someone's friend does not mean you have to talk to them every day or let them live rent free in your head. It doesn't mean you have to let them abuse you, either. It means you try to have empathy for them and be there for them as human beings. Compassion can cure all manner of illnesses. Sadly, there are some people you just can't help and you have to walk away from them.

[ ] 

Edited August 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
respect

[Els]

Okay, so, what exactly do you want from us? If you won't take our advice and are defending him tooth and nail, what were you hoping to get from posting this? Do you expect us to just go along and nod and say, "Oh dear, that poor troubled man, how lucky he is that he has you to save him"?

[LynneVicious]

No one can “help” someone else. They have to help themselves. Don’t get sucked into that way of thinking… It never ends well. 

Beat to block and move on. If he finds a way to contact you, tell him good luck and to please leave you alone.