Oh no, now not so sure

[poppyfields]

Great video from a great movie.  I find it quite appropriate for this thread. 

Holly was lovely but very sad and troubled, she had been hurt in the past and afraid to love and trust. 

I hope you will watch the entire clip.

 

Edited August 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

It's not to say that I disagree with your reaction when you find out that the man you are dating had previously engaged in a 15 year long affair. I can respect your reaction. In particular, since you want to one day settle down and get married. 

He expressed a desire not to get married in the future. As already stated, it is likely related to his volatile 15-year relationship with his married girlfriend, who left him for her husband after 15 years. 

Having been in a relationship with a married woman that resulted in an immense loss for him, he is probably less trusting of future girlfriends (which is unfair to them). 

I realize we all bring baggage with us. The key seems to be how well each other's baggage merges.

A heavy crossfire is not something you can enter lightly.

 

[mortensorchid]

We all have our issues and dirty little secrets and mistakes and whatnot, I am no exception.  I am no better / worse than anyone else and don't pretend to be.  But when you hear these things about others it doesn't make you feel very secure in either the other person or yourself.  I don't look for reasons to not commit or faults in others, I don't think I am better than anyone else.  But... if you're not getting a positive response out of others no matter what it's about then that doesn't make you happy.  

And look how many differences of opinions there are here on this thread on the same topic!  Some day it was joking, others say red flags, others say I am being overly critical, etc.  I am not perfect, I don't pretend to be.  But I don't think it's unreasonable to have certain standards or even hope that someday, somehow one can find love.  And it's also not unreasonable to hope for it. 

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

But I don't think it's unreasonable to have certain standards or even hope that someday, somehow one can find love.  And it's also not unreasonable to hope for it. 

Can you respect his previous choice to be the "other man?" 

If not, this is all moot.

Don't date someone whose values you can't (or won't) respect.

 

[introverted1]

On 8/7/2022 at 8:58 AM, Chilli said:

l'm amazed nobodies even mentioned it either but that he hasn't even touched you or kissed you in all this time.

I'm with @Chillion this.  Is he holding back because you are?  Or is he holding back for his own reasons and, if so, do you know why?

 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

  But I don't think it's unreasonable to have certain standards or even hope that someday, somehow one can find love.  And it's also not unreasonable to hope for it. 

Of course not, but what he did in the past doesn’t necessarily reflect his values today. Most of us change with time. What you have to pay attention to is what he does today. 

[mark clemson]

^^ a valid point. On that note - what you're seeing today appears to be a reluctance on his part to show physical intimacy. Not sure if that's "coming mostly from him," his difficulty "reading" you (and so he is being cautious) or some aspect of the "chemistry" between you two. At any rate, his hesitancy to take things to at least a little bit physical seems odd to me.

Could it be he is still hung up on this MW and so feels guilty about intimacy towards you (or it otherwise "interferes" emotionally)? Not saying that is the case, but could it be possible he's not over her? Just a thought.

IF the things you are seeing are dealbreakers for you then perhaps it doesn't matter. You seem (understandably) torn on this one.

Edited August 8, 2022 by mark clemson

[mortensorchid]

I too am wondering why he hasn't made any move towards me - as in kissing or holding hands.  Then again there was a guy I was with a few years ago - we had a little lost weekend that was strange who barely touched me when we did IT.  But that's a separate issue.  

I just wish this was easy.  I was hoping it would be easy but it's... Not.  Then again if it was easy then it wouldn't be real life. 

[alphamale]

On 8/7/2022 at 1:03 PM, Happy Lemming said:

If a man states he never wants to get married... believe him.  I give him credit for his honesty on the matter.  Like other posters, I think the "Married with Children" reference was added for humor and to lighten the subject.

Being that you are past your child bearing years, what advantages does being married bring to the table?? 

As @Calmandfocused pointed out there could be very strong financial reasons not to get married at this advanced age.

How would he feel about living with a woman??

If you want to kiss him, you can always tell him its OK to kiss you goodnight when he drops you off after the date.

You are correct HL

[alphamale]

On 8/8/2022 at 9:38 PM, mortensorchid said:

I too am wondering why he hasn't made any move towards me - as in kissing or holding hands.  Then again there was a guy I was with a few years ago - we had a little lost weekend that was strange who barely touched me when we did IT.  But that's a separate issue.  

I just wish this was easy.  I was hoping it would be easy but it's... Not.  Then again if it was easy then it wouldn't be real life. 

He’s probably shy mortensorchid 

[BaileyB]

On 8/8/2022 at 10:49 AM, mortensorchid said:

But I don't think it's unreasonable to have certain standards or even hope that someday, somehow one can find love.  And it's also not unreasonable to hope for it. 

No, you are not being unreasonable. If it doesn’t feel good, it’s not right. 

[alphamale]

I read your update, Don’t waste your time with this clown mortensorchid 

Edited August 14, 2022 by alphamale
Added first part

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think you are overthinking it. You have been actively looking for a relationship for many years and unable to find even a steady dating situation. You really shouldn't be picking this apart at such an early stage. My advice would be different if you were content with being alone but you are not.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Marriage is not going to make any difference in your day to day quality of life vs living with a partner. Maybe time to rethink that.

You should evaluate your options in the light of how many alternative options you have or are likely to have. It's probably going to be years before you even have another one.

Sorry to be blunt but it seems like you are living in a fantasy world and are not grasping the reality of situation you are in.

 

[Alvi]

So, what's the update Mort?

[mortensorchid]

I saw him again not last weekend but the weekend before.  At last we kissed when we were on the couch at my place.  But nothing further.  I was away last weekend for a 4 day cabin in the woods weekend which I had planned long before I met him.  He and I talked a few times on the Facebook IM and he said he missed me.  I bought him a present while away (a jar of jelly from a local shop).  

[Alpacalia]

mortensorchid don't let escalation of physical intimacy deter you if you really like him. I dated someone once and he did not make any moves on me physically initially, I was the one that eventually did (leaned in to kiss him) and things kind of branched off from there.

There could be a host of reasons why he isn't escalating physically.

In our day and age, sometimes men find themselves in impossible situations because of society's ever growing expectations. It is possible to get out of this impossible situation in two ways. The first course of action is for a man to completely give up on the idea of dating women.

The other option is for a woman to communicate what she wants to say in her own way.

The best option for you is to pick one that works for you.

Good luck!

Edited August 23, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

25 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I dated someone once and he did not make any moves on me physically initially, I was the one that eventually did (leaned in to kiss him) and things kind of branched off from there.

Actually. That's not all entirely true.

He did go to hold my hand on our second date and for a hug on our first date.

Anyway.

Carry on!

Edited August 23, 2022 by Alpacalia

[chillii]

lt can also be just plain caution in not making any moves for awhile.

He , or she, may simply just still be in the process of sussing whatever it is between you if anything , out. And just not wanting to start anything until they know more about how they're feeling about the other, bc they just aren't sure themselves yet.

Edited August 23, 2022 by chillii

[Gaeta]

On 8/22/2022 at 11:07 PM, mortensorchid said:

 he said he missed me.  I bought him a present while away (a jar of jelly from a local shop).  

That sounds very promissing 🙂

 

[Alvi]

On 8/22/2022 at 9:07 PM, mortensorchid said:

I saw him again not last weekend but the weekend before.  At last we kissed when we were on the couch at my place.  But nothing further.  I was away last weekend for a 4 day cabin in the woods weekend which I had planned long before I met him.  He and I talked a few times on the Facebook IM and he said he missed me.  I bought him a present while away (a jar of jelly from a local shop).  

Of course, time will tell but so far so good.