Is this a lie?

[Tammy141]

I tend to run into friendship issues a lot, mostly (I think) because I care a lot and invest into each friendship. However, once hurt by a friend, it is a good lesson for me and I adapt, knowing that that friend isn’t always going to be solid. Anyway…

My birthday is at the end of the month and I invited friends through a FB event. I told everyone rsvp by today, so I can schedule everything and get money in advance. So one friend I hadn’t received any rsvp. She always uses Facebook events for her birthdays, so I thought this would fit well and I’d hear right back. When I sent the invite out on Facebook, she had posted things on her own Facebook the day of and days after, so I’m sure she would have seen the notificafion. 

Anyway, still no rsvp, so I texted her with the screenshot of the invite today and she said she’s away from work and hasn’t looked at Facebook, but she thinks she has another celebration that day. Which I’m like, you were on Facebook like the whole week when I sent out the event invite! We haven’t had any issues (to my knowledge), but this is different coming from her. I know her from my old job and there were a few girls from there that she is friends with that I don’t care for (one of which used to date my guy friend and they had a bad breakup and he is coming to my party). At the same time, she came for my birthday last year, when all of that had gone down already. 
 

Alright so lots of extra information I gave, ultimately my question is, sounds weird right? And a bit rude, as I’m sure she saw the Facebook notification. 

[stillafool]

Whether she saw you invite or not on FB she still may have had tentative plans elsewhere.  The point is she's not coming.  So what? You'll still have fun with all of your other true friends who are attending.  Why do you care so much about this one when she doesn't view your friendship as a priority?

[Tammy141]

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Whether she saw you invite or not on FB she still may have had tentative plans elsewhere.  The point is she's not coming.  So what? You'll still have fun with all of your other true friends who are attending.  Why do you care so much about this one when she doesn't view your friendship as a priority?

Thanks stillafool. This is the first time with her, where she disappointed. like I mentioned, now I know to limit expectations

[glows]

That does sound frustrating. Only invite her to non-rsvp needed types of events as she’s more of an acquaintance than a friend. Anything needing rsvps or more involvement only invite the ones you know can be relied on to respond in a timely and accurate manner. Yes means yes. No I cannot make it means No I cannot make it. 

You don’t have to cut her out if you still want to meet with here now and again. She’s not as close, that’s all. I hope you have a good turn out and a happy birthday!

[Tammy141]

On 8/7/2022 at 12:41 PM, stillafool said:

Whether she saw you invite or not on FB she still may have had tentative plans elsewhere.  The point is she's not coming.  So what? You'll still have fun with all of your other true friends who are attending.  Why do you care so much about this one when she doesn't view your friendship as a priority?

Stillafool, you are so right. I’ve been thinking on what you said. I don’t know why I care so much about friends who don’t prioritize my friendship in return. How do I practice this? It’s hard for me to just let go, but I should, when I have so many nice friends. Maybe for this one, she was there for me a few times during tough times, that it’s hard to let go, but I should. And btw still haven’t heard back from her, so there you go!

 

On 8/7/2022 at 12:41 PM, stillafool said:

Whether she saw you invite or not on FB she still may have had tentative plans elsewhere.  The point is she's not coming.  So what? You'll still have fun with all of your other true friends who are attending.  Why do you care so much about this one when she doesn't view your friendship as a priority?

 

[Tammy141]

On 8/7/2022 at 2:45 PM, glows said:

That does sound frustrating. Only invite her to non-rsvp needed types of events as she’s more of an acquaintance than a friend. Anything needing rsvps or more involvement only invite the ones you know can be relied on to respond in a timely and accurate manner. Yes means yes. No I cannot make it means No I cannot make it. 

You don’t have to cut her out if you still want to meet with here now and again. She’s not as close, that’s all. I hope you have a good turn out and a happy birthday!

Thank you glows! I think I’ll work towards cutting her out. Btw still haven’t heard from her lol. But thank you for the birthday wishes. 

[ShyViolet]

She clearly doesn't want to go.   So stop sending her reminders or chasing her about it.  Leave her alone and enjoy your party with the friends who are going.

[Tammy141]

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She clearly doesn't want to go.   So stop sending her reminders or chasing her about it.  Leave her alone and enjoy your party with the friends who are going.

Yep, I get it. It’s just such a shift from her, I don’t get it, but yeah anyway, I’ll be moving on. If she does ever rsvp, I just won’t even respond then. I also only messaged her the once for the rsvp. She said she’ll get back to me and that was it, I never asked again. 

Edited August 9, 2022 by Tammy141

[basil67]

On 8/8/2022 at 2:11 AM, Tammy141 said:

I tend to run into friendship issues a lot, mostly (I think) because I care a lot and invest into each friendship. However, once hurt by a friend, it is a good lesson for me and I adapt, knowing that that friend isn’t always going to be solid. Anyway…

I worry that you're running into problems because you expect others to give all friendships high priority like you do.  But we are all different.  And for most of us, our friendships are different and have different kinds of closeness.  Friendships can range from being like best friends who you see frequently.... right out to casual friends who you see twice a year for a good catch up...and everything in between   If someone sees you as a more casual friend, you will alienate yourself by expecting them to behave like you're their bestie.

It's disappointing that she's not going, but I would urge you to not judge harshly.  All of your concerns are based on your assumption that she received a notification, but it is entirely likely that she didn't see it.  Or she did see it and meant to reply and then got caught up in other stuff.  Sh*t happens.  With notifications,  I get so many from pages and random conversations that I rarely check them anymore, and I've blocked all alerts from coming to my phone or email.   In this case, you did the right thing by sending her a text reminder.  But you now know that she has another event.  

Being a good friend isn't just about putting in a lot of effort.  It's also about understanding that people are fallible, it's about being flexible and understanding and knowing that the world doesn't revolve around us. 

You don't want to become known as the friend who's too high maintenance

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Tammy141 said:

Yep, I get it. It’s just such a shift from her, I don’t get it, but yeah anyway, I’ll be moving on. If she does ever rsvp, I just won’t even respond then. I also only messaged her the once for the rsvp. She said she’ll get back to me and that was it, I never asked again. 

This is what I mean about being the friend who's too much hard work.  Frankly, your reaction to this single missed/forgotten RSVP is unforgiving and extremely petty.   If you keep this kind of behaviour up, you will continue to burn through friendships.

Breathe in, breathe out and let it go.  Don't kill off an otherwise good friendship because you've been let down once.  

[Tammy141]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This is what I mean about being the friend who's too much hard work.  Frankly, your reaction to this single missed/forgotten RSVP is unforgiving and extremely petty.   If you keep this kind of behaviour up, you will continue to burn through friendships.

Breathe in, breathe out and let it go.  Don't kill off an otherwise good friendship because you've been let down once.  

Hi Basil67, I appreciate your comments and I definitely will think more about them. I do put a lot of hard work into friendships and I do have varying levels, like you said, some are real close friends, some are coffee friends, some are those I’ll talk to every so often and so on. Usually, too, I am pretty forgiving, which is good and bad. Bad because I’ll give people multiple passes when they don’t deserve one and good, because after a few days, I will let it go. 
 

I do have many friends and as we get older, I realize it is quality over quantity. I go above and beyond for friends and yes, you’re right I do expect that in return, which I know not to for everyone and this is a good example of that for this particular friends. I chose to use Facebook here for the event because this same friend always uses it for hers (and other friends do too) so I thought it would elicit a high response rate, which now I get maybe not. I didn’t mention that when I texted this friend the reminder, she was a little rude, which was offputting. She mentioned that she never uses Facebook (which like I mentioned, she has all last week). Without going into it, I almost feel like the response was more off putting than the lack of rsvp, that’s why I said I wouldn’t text her back if she did end up replying again. 
 

I am happy I found this website for friendship advice  and your comments remind me that I can’t always have high expectations, even for the closest of friends, because they don’t know that those expectations exist for me. So thank you!

[basil67]

 Perhaps she was having a bad week and her words came out wrong.  If it's a one off, I'd let it go.  But yes, people can be frustrating and it takes some stamina to give the benefit of doubt. 

I organised my 50th a few years ago. It was on a long weekend, but as we don't go away on long weekends, I didn't give it much thought.  I received a lot of 'yes' RSVP's, and some didn't RSVP at all.  It's like RSVPs have little meaning anymore.  And what's with the "maybe" option?  It seems designed so that people can weigh up all their options and choose the best one close to the date.    Anyway, I booked the venue, organised the catering and on the night before and morning of the event, I lost nearly half of my numbers because they'd decided to go away.  I was so very disappointed.  Had they all sent 'no' or even 'maybe' on the RSVPs I could have changed the date.  But as it was, I had only half a party.  That was 5 years ago and while they still remain friends, I'm still disappointed enough that I won't be having a big 60th.  I didn't write them off, but it does leave a bad taste, doesn't it.   Sorry, not meaning to hijack with a rant, but I do understand the frustration with others. 

[Tammy141]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 Perhaps she was having a bad week and her words came out wrong.  If it's a one off, I'd let it go.  But yes, people can be frustrating and it takes some stamina to give the benefit of doubt. 

I organised my 50th a few years ago. It was on a long weekend, but as we don't go away on long weekends, I didn't give it much thought.  I received a lot of 'yes' RSVP's, and some didn't RSVP at all.  It's like RSVPs have little meaning anymore.  And what's with the "maybe" option?  It seems designed so that people can weigh up all their options and choose the best one close to the date.    Anyway, I booked the venue, organised the catering and on the night before and morning of the event, I lost nearly half of my numbers because they'd decided to go away.  I was so very disappointed.  Had they all sent 'no' or even 'maybe' on the RSVPs I could have changed the date.  But as it was, I had only half a party.  That was 5 years ago and while they still remain friends, I'm still disappointed enough that I won't be having a big 60th.  I didn't write them off, but it does leave a bad taste, doesn't it.   Sorry, not meaning to hijack with a rant, but I do understand the frustration with others. 

Thanks basil67. And thanks for sharing your personal story, that helps a lot. I’m sorry that happened and I don’t blame you, sheesh I wouldn’t want a big party after that either!! Did you end up having a nice time with those who did show up? I know some of the other posts above mentioned that I work to enjoy it with those who did come. I hope you at least had a nice time. 
 

What kind of advice would you give me so that I can be better about not having high expectations of friends in life and in letting things go when they disappoint? I know that’s up to me, probably a mentality thing at that. People are frustrating that’s for sure

[Lotsgoingon]

You have the right to be disappointed in this non-response. The closer you feel to the friend, the more disappointed you would be. 

Go ahead and feel your feelings, your sadness, whatever.

One method I learned from a friend. When someone doesn't respond and I'm really noticing it or feeling the disappointment, I will send them a note that tries to avoid guilting and shaming them. I'll say something like (and I say this only if it is true) ... that I really love the energy and personality and looked forward to seeing them. Something like that. I will say: there are a lot of people these days with mood problems and part of having a mood problem is that you don't commit very firmly to things because you're afraid your mood won't be up to the task. 

There is also something about parties (or visits or organized actions) that separates people. I had a medical condition a few years back and there were people who I assumed would be in touch with me or reach out to me. And a couple of my closest friends did so. But there were others who I thought would reach out who didn't. And there were people I didn't think would reach out who did!

I'm still making sense of this experience.

[introverted1]

On 8/7/2022 at 12:11 PM, Tammy141 said:

she thinks she has another celebration that day.

 

On 8/7/2022 at 1:29 PM, Tammy141 said:

 I know to limit expectations

I think this is a little harsh, unless there is a pattern here that you haven't mentioned.  If she has been invited to another event on the same day, perhaps she was waiting to see if she could fit in both, or perhaps she was taking time to reconsider her other rsvp in light of your invitation.  It's impossible to know.

If she has otherwise been a good friend, it seems odd that you are quick to cut her off.

 

[NuevoYorko]

I actually completely missed 2 FB invitations in recent months.  For some reason they just didn't come on my radar.

Agree with those who feel you're being harsh about this.  It really is acceptable for a person to have a prior engagement or other reason not to come to your party, even if they are a close friend.  It doesn't even speak to the depth of your friendship.  Not responding to an RSVP is poor etiquette, though.  

[Tammy141]

11 hours ago, introverted1 said:

 

I think this is a little harsh, unless there is a pattern here that you haven't mentioned.  If she has been invited to another event on the same day, perhaps she was waiting to see if she could fit in both, or perhaps she was taking time to reconsider her other rsvp in light of your invitation.  It's impossible to know.

If she has otherwise been a good friend, it seems odd that you are quick to cut her off.

 

Sure, I can understand how what I said alone can sound harsh. There is some backstory on it, that I didn’t get into, which plays a role (I am friends with a guy who she doesn’t like bc he used to date her good friend and her good friend and several other friends of hers don’t like me bc of that) 

[Tammy141]

17 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I actually completely missed 2 FB invitations in recent months.  For some reason they just didn't come on my radar.

Agree with those who feel you're being harsh about this.  It really is acceptable for a person to have a prior engagement or other reason not to come to your party, even if they are a close friend.  It doesn't even speak to the depth of your friendship.  Not responding to an RSVP is poor etiquette, though.  

Yeah it alone sounds harsh, I agree. There’s some backstory with other friends I didn’t get into that plays a role a little bit here

[Tammy141]

13 hours ago, Tammy141 said:

Yeah it alone sounds harsh, I agree. There’s some backstory with other friends I didn’t get into that plays a role a little bit here

Well my birthday is today YAY! I never heard back from her, so that’s that. All good, it’ll be a nice day. 

[Tammy141]

13 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I actually completely missed 2 FB invitations in recent months.  For some reason they just didn't come on my radar.

Agree with those who feel you're being harsh about this.  It really is acceptable for a person to have a prior engagement or other reason not to come to your party, even if they are a close friend.  It doesn't even speak to the depth of your friendship.  Not responding to an RSVP is poor etiquette, though.  

Well my birthday is today YAY! I never heard back from her, so that’s that. All good, it’ll be a nice day. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Tammy141 said:

Well my birthday is today YAY! I never heard back from her, so that’s that. All good, it’ll be a nice day. 

Happy birthday!!

Your instincts the first time were correct so learn to trust them. If in doubt keep your own counsel and let others prove themselves in time as you just did. You both may reconnect later on and you can decide later how to deal with the friendship. Or, choose to let go. It’s entirely your choice. Please don’t feel guilty about doing what feels best for you.

Edited August 11, 2022 by glows

[S2B]

On 8/9/2022 at 7:15 AM, Tammy141 said:

Yep, I get it. It’s just such a shift from her, I don’t get it, but yeah anyway, I’ll be moving on. If she does ever rsvp, I just won’t even respond then. I also only messaged her the once for the rsvp. She said she’ll get back to me and that was it, I never asked again. 

When someone doesn’t respond = consider it a no.

she isn’t prioritizing you. It’s rude when someone doesn’t respond with a yes or no.

so she is purposely being rude.

[Tammy141]

5 minutes ago, S2B said:

When someone doesn’t respond = consider it a no.

she isn’t prioritizing you. It’s rude when someone doesn’t respond with a yes or no.

so she is purposely being rude.

Thanks S2B. My birthday is today and I never heard back from her, so yeah, that makes sense. I appreciate your feedback and for making it streamlined like that, that is my answer!

[S2B]

Happy Birthday!