Feeling disrespected by my partner

[sk1977]

I’d love the group’s opinion on this. Here is the situation. My bf and I have a disagreement. I try talking to him later when we finally get to be alone, which happened to be right before going to bed. I ask him a series of questions and get complete silence from him. Then he says, “Just go to sleep.” 
No discussion, no trying to resolve the issue. I felt disrespected, like I didn’t matter, and he was just telling me what to do, like I’m his kid and not a partner. We are in our 40’s, by the way, for context. 
thank you!

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

I try talking to him later when we finally get to be alone, which happened to be right before going to bed. I ask him a series of questions and get complete silence from him. Then he says, “Just go to sleep.” 

Right before bed is the worst time to argue/discuss. Everyone is tired. Next time continue the discussion after a night's rest and when everyone is refreshed, has processed things and cooler heads prevail. Try to relax, cool off and pace yourself regarding conflicts. When people are tired, hungry, busy, etc. isn't the best time for conflict resolution.

Edited August 7, 2022 by Wiseman2

[sk1977]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Right before bed is the worst time to argue/discuss. Everyone is tired. Next time continue the discussion after a night's rest and when everyone is refreshed, has processed things and cooler heads prevail. Try to relax, cool off and pace yourself regarding conflicts. When people are tired, hungry, busy, etc. isn't the best time for conflict resolution.

Thank you for your comment! I see your point. What if you know that you wouldn’t have any time to talk in the morning, possibly not till next night, because you are on vacation with 5 kids?

Also, to put it in context, the day before, he told me that he is tired of trying to work on our relationship of 3 years with all the conversations and therapy appointments. All I ask is a few compliments here and there, maybe some affection and some face-to-face conversations. And he has been struggling to provide that. And now he says he is tired of working on relationship. Then the next evening “just go to bed” response. I’m considering leaving the relationship, but maybe I’m overreacting? 

[Els]

It's not a bad idea, in and of itself, to sleep on a disagreement. You often get a fresh perspective in the morning, which tends to result in a much more civil and productive discussion.

But it sounds like that's not anywhere near the core of the issue that you two are having. And it sounds like we might need more information on that, in order to offer advice. How is your relationship otherwise?

[sk1977]

18 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

It's not a bad idea, in and of itself, to sleep on a disagreement. You often get a fresh perspective in the morning, which tends to result in a much more civil and productive discussion.

But it sounds like that's not anywhere near the core of the issue that you two are having. And it sounds like we might need more information on that, in order to offer advice. How is your relationship otherwise?

Thank you for your thoughts on this!

Yes, I agree, but I feel like it would be different if he communicated that in similar way, like "I know you are anxious about this, but it would be better to talk about this tomorrow." Instead of just saying "go to sleep".  I asked him if he wanted me to leave the next day because we were staying at his sister's cabin and I didn't feel like he really wanted me there. No response. then I asked him if he hated me...no response. Then he said, "just go to sleep".

Our relationship is not good. There is zero emotional intimacy, and most topics are off limits, because they make him feel uncomfortable. For example, he wouldn't answer my question, "what were the happiest days of your life". He said, I don't know. I feel alone in our relationship, because he never asks me questions about me, and when I try to engage him,  he doesn't want to open up. He is happy to watch TV 7 times a week/4-5 hrs a night and not say a word to me, beyond "how was your day?".

He also became less affectionate and the complements are virtually non-existent. I tried talking to him and telling him that my main love languages are words of affirmations and touch. He told me that it was hard for him to give me complements and that the more I bring it up, the less he wants to do it.   

He also has a short temper and can't seem to stay calm during these conversations and say something mean. He gets defensive and seem to always find the way to put the fault back on me. So, he's told me that I'm requiring too much of him, that I need to lower my expectations. So, the last time we talked, he said that he is tired of "working on our relationship", which makes me feel like I'm not worth it to him. All I have ever asked is please don't be mean with your words, because they hurt, spend some quality time with me, which means no TV, and be affectionate with me. Is it so much to ask?

So, I guess, when he said, "go to sleep", it was the last straw...like he didn't care... 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

I asked him if he wanted me to leave the next day because we were staying at his sister's cabin and I didn't feel like he really wanted me there. No response. then I asked him if he hated me...no response. Then he said, "just go to sleep".

The way you asked those questions could easily lead to an argument and I think that is why he told you to just go to sleep.  He probably didn't want to argue at his sister's cabin for everyone to hear or was too tired to get into a fight.  Also when you asked if he wanted you to leave the next day, did you and the kids come alone?  If he had said "yes" to that question what would you have said and done?

Edited August 7, 2022 by stillafool

[sk1977]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

The way you asked those questions could easily lead to an argument and I think that is why he told you to just go to sleep.  He probably didn't want to argue at his sister's cabin for everyone to hear or was too tired to get into a fight.  Also when you asked if he wanted you to leave the next day did you and the kids come alone?  If he has said "yes" to that question what would you have said and done?

I left the next morning. I felt upset about his comments that he was tired of our conversations and trying to work on the relationship. Then when he didn't want to talk, I felt like I needed to leave. 

We were the only adults there and all the kids were in the downstairs bedroom, so I don't think he was concerned with someone overhearing the conversation. 

thank you for your input!

Edited August 7, 2022 by sk1977

[basil67]

You're flogging a dead horse.  

Prior to this, he was very clear that he's tired of talking about, and working on the relationship.  The reason he rejected talking about your concerns is that he's done and no amount of talk is going to fix this.  You expectations of a relationship are reasonable, but it's only going to happen with someone who still cares.....but this guy doesn't care anymore, so it's way past time to realise that you are asking too much *of him*

The only conversation left for the two of you is how to go about breaking up

 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, sk1977 said:

I left the next morning. I felt upset about his comments that he was tired of our conversations and trying to work on the relationship. Then when he didn't want to talk, I felt like I needed to leave. 

We were the only adults there and all the kids were in the downstairs bedroom, so I don't think he was concerned with someone overhearing the conversation. 

thank you for your input!

I guess what I was trying to ask was were the 5 children yours (and his) and you and your 5 children left the next day.  If so, that must have been really difficult for you.

Edited August 8, 2022 by stillafool

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

The only conversation left for the two of you is how to go about breaking up

 

Exactly this. He’s doesn’t want to do what you’re asking him to do. So is it a dealbreaker for you? If so, time to break up. 

[BaileyB]

Reading your post sk1977, I find myself wondering why you are in a relationship with this man? No communication, no intimacy, short temper - you asked him if he hated you and you got - no response. 

Obviously I don’t know you or your partner, but based on what you have described this is not a relationship that I would chose for myself. I’m sorry. 

Edited August 8, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, sk1977 said:

. I feel alone in our relationship, because he never asks me questions about me, 

You live together and you're both 45 years old, so you can wait to get home to talk. Some of this type of conversation sounds unnessary and rhetorical. You seem to be attempting to get his attention, but in a way that's not good.

If someone is tired, you're even dictating exactly what their side of the dialogue should be.

Unfortunately this seems to come down to incompatibilities and complacency. You want to engage in talks as a connection and he thinks talking is for useful communication.

Reflect how happy you really are. He seems checked out. In the future, try not to ask first date type questions merely to talk. 

 

 

[Els]

11 hours ago, sk1977 said:

Our relationship is not good. There is zero emotional intimacy, and most topics are off limits, because they make him feel uncomfortable. For example, he wouldn't answer my question, "what were the happiest days of your life". He said, I don't know. I feel alone in our relationship, because he never asks me questions about me, and when I try to engage him,  he doesn't want to open up. He is happy to watch TV 7 times a week/4-5 hrs a night and not say a word to me, beyond "how was your day?".

He also became less affectionate and the complements are virtually non-existent. I tried talking to him and telling him that my main love languages are words of affirmations and touch. He told me that it was hard for him to give me complements and that the more I bring it up, the less he wants to do it.  

This sounds, then, like the relationship has run its course. Why are you still trying to "save" it?

[sk1977]

5 hours ago, Elswyth said:

This sounds, then, like the relationship has run its course. Why are you still trying to "save" it?

I still love him. How do I move on while still loving him?

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Elswyth said:

This sounds, then, like the relationship has run its course. Why are you still trying to "save" it?

 Took the words right out of my mouth...

 

8 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

I still love him. How do I move on while still loving him?

Unfortunately "love" can be a one-way street, but relationships are always a two-way street. If both people aren't choosing to make it happen then it won't or at best it will be a house of cards or a crappy relationship that coasts on inertia. Seems to me that last one is what you have right now.

It sounds very much like he is emotionally disconnecting from you, probably along with resentments and lots of "second thoughts". Don't be surprised if this is a slow fade and/or you wake up one day to find he's breaking it off.

IF it coasts along long enough he may come around again one day. Successful LTRs have "rough patches" and often require "work" at times. But they also required commitment from both partners to make it work. In your case however, it sounds like he may well be figuring out how to exit. Possibly he's even looking around for a partner that means more to him, in case he can find one, although I'd suggest you not jump to that conclusion without some actual evidence of it.

[sk1977]

8 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 Took the words right out of my mouth...

 

Unfortunately "love" can be a one-way street, but relationships are always a two-way street. If both people aren't choosing to make it happen then it won't or at best it will be a house of cards or a crappy relationship that coasts on inertia. Seems to me that last one is what you have right now.

It sounds very much like he is emotionally disconnecting from you, probably along with resentments and lots of "second thoughts". Don't be surprised if this is a slow fade and/or you wake up one day to find he's breaking it off.

IF it coasts along long enough he may come around again one day. Successful LTRs have "rough patches" and often require "work" at times. But they also required commitment from both partners to make it work. In your case however, it sounds like he may well be figuring out how to exit. Possibly he's even looking around for a partner that means more to him, in case he can find one, although I'd suggest you not jump to that conclusion without some actual evidence of it.

He says he still loves me, but that he is broken emotionally. He is a recovering drug addict, sober for 2.5 years. The way he explained it, the drug use started because of the emotional brokenness. The drug use stopped, but the emotional brokenness is still there. And me, being the biggest empath, I feel sorry for him. Here is an example. He says it's hard for him to to give me complements and being emotionally open with me, and that he'd rather deal with consequences of his inability (me being upset), than provide those things for me.  

[mark clemson]

Hmmm.  Well, IF that's really the case, then perhaps he does want to stay. However, you need to decide if you can live with a relationship where it very much sounds like your emotional needs aren't being met. I guess that's a decision you'll have to make.

You might do some research on avoidant and insecure attachment styles (as they pertain to adults). These relationships create an odd (from the outside) emotional dynamic, and that may be part of what's going on here.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

He is a recovering drug addict, sober for 2.5 years. The drug use stopped, but the emotional brokenness is still there.

How long have you lived together? Sadly it seems like you're trying to get blood from a stone. He may or may not still be using. You actually never know. Your best recourse is to end the relationships. Addicts learn how to select people who will be enablers.

[sk1977]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you lived together? Sadly it seems like you're trying to get blood from a stone. He may or may not still be using. You actually never know. Your best recourse is to end the relationships. Addicts learn how to select people who will be enablers.

lived together 2.5 years, Together 3 years. 
I knew when he was using. I know he hasn't been. 

[basil67]

On 8/8/2022 at 7:22 AM, sk1977 said:

Our relationship is not good. There is zero emotional intimacy, and most topics are off limits, because they make him feel uncomfortable. For example, he wouldn't answer my question, "what were the happiest days of your life". He said, I don't know. I feel alone in our relationship, because he never asks me questions about me, and when I try to engage him,  he doesn't want to open up. He is happy to watch TV 7 times a week/4-5 hrs a night and not say a word to me, beyond "how was your day?".

He also became less affectionate and the complements are virtually non-existent. I tried talking to him and telling him that my main love languages are words of affirmations and touch. He told me that it was hard for him to give me complements and that the more I bring it up, the less he wants to do it.   

He also has a short temper and can't seem to stay calm during these conversations and say something mean. He gets defensive and seem to always find the way to put the fault back on me. So, he's told me that I'm requiring too much of him, that I need to lower my expectations. So, the last time we talked, he said that he is tired of "working on our relationship", which makes me feel like I'm not worth it to him. All I have ever asked is please don't be mean with your words, because they hurt, spend some quality time with me, which means no TV, and be affectionate with me. Is it so much to ask?

I'm going backwards in posts here:  Given how deeply unsatisfied you are with the relationship and his behaviour, I think that you love the idea of the man you think he could be, not the man who you're actually with.   

Taking it further, people want to be accepted for who they are.   Dragging him around to therapy and telling him all the "improvements" you want him to make will really just come off as nagging and rejection of who he is.  That's not to say that your expectations for a relationship are unreasonable, but it's unfair and unreasonable to expect this guy to become who you want him to be.   Taking it further, this continual rejection of who he is him may well leave him open to seek solace in substances again.  

If you want him to stay in the relationship, you'll need to stop trying to change him and start to love him for the deeply flawed man he is...and accept the limited way he can love you.   Or, if you want a man who can love you how you want to be loved, then let him go and free yourself for a man who's got his act together.  

[sk1977]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm going backwards in posts here:  Given how deeply unsatisfied you are with the relationship and his behaviour, I think that you love the idea of the man you think he could be, not the man who you're actually with.   

Taking it further, people want to be accepted for who they are.   Dragging him around to therapy and telling him all the "improvements" you want him to make will really just come off as nagging and rejection of who he is.  That's not to say that your expectations for a relationship are unreasonable, but it's unfair and unreasonable to expect this guy to become who you want him to be.   Taking it further, this continual rejection of who he is him may well leave him open to seek solace in substances again.  

If you want him to stay in the relationship, you'll need to stop trying to change him and start to love him for the deeply flawed man he is...and accept the limited way he can love you.   Or, if you want a man who can love you how you want to be loved, then let him go and free yourself for a man who's got his act together.  

Thank you for your perspective. I can see your point very clearly and thought of that many times. I guess I was just hoping that if he loved me, he could maybe make an effort and meet me half way. 

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

 I guess I was just hoping that if he loved me, he could maybe make an effort and meet me half way. 

This isn't about love.  Nobody wants to change heaps to meet the needs of another person.   Rather, it's on you to find a man who already meets most of your needs.

Let this guy go.  If you keep pushing him to change when he's already made it clear that he's fed up with it all, it's only going to get worse.

[FMW]

1 hour ago, sk1977 said:

I guess I was just hoping that if he loved me, he could maybe make an effort and meet me half way. 

He has limitations, it seems he's been pretty clear about that.  He's probably doing the very best he can.  He needs you to accept him as he is. 

But that doesn't mean you have to.  You need more than what he can give you and that's understandable.  The only thing you have control over is whether you stay and accept things as they are, or free yourself to find someone that can meet your needs.  It's cliche, but very true - love isn't always enough.  

[sk1977]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

This isn't about love.  Nobody wants to change heaps to meet the needs of another person.   Rather, it's on you to find a man who already meets most of your needs.

Let this guy go.  If you keep pushing him to change when he's already made it clear that he's fed up with it all, it's only going to get worse.

So, do you think that books like 5 Love Languages, where they discuss that if you love your partner, you should love them in their love language is just a bunch of BS? To me, if you love someone, you want to do things to make them happy, no? Maybe I’m too naïve. 

[sk1977]

18 minutes ago, FMW said:

He has limitations, it seems he's been pretty clear about that.  He's probably doing the very best he can.  He needs you to accept him as he is. 

But that doesn't mean you have to.  You need more than what he can give you and that's understandable.  The only thing you have control over is whether you stay and accept things as they are, or free yourself to find someone that can meet your needs.  It's cliche, but very true - love isn't always enough.  

Thank you.