Feeling disrespected by my partner

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

So, do you think that books like 5 Love Languages, where they discuss that if you love your partner, you should love them in their love language is just a bunch of BS? To me, if you love someone, you want to do things to make them happy, no? Maybe I’m too naïve. 

I think love languages are about understanding how each of you give and receive love.   When it's small changes to an already well functioning relationship, we can certainly deliver more of what the other needs in their love language, but if it's a huge change, it's not going to happen to a significant degree because no amount of love will deliver a personality transplant. 

For instance, if your love language is 'words of affirmation' and your partner's love language is 'acts of service', then both of you look at the big picture.  If the person you love isn't wordy, no amount of love is going to make them wordy.   Sure, they might be able to remember to compliment you when you're dressed up to go out, but they aren't suddenly going to be telling you all the wonderful things they love about you.  But instead of feeling unloved because your love language isn't' being met, the secret is to look at the way they bring you a cup of tea when you're feeling tired.  Or how they make sure your car is clean.  And the garbage is always taken out.  Meanwhile, if they are feeling down because they feel you don't do much for them, they should look at all the kind and loving words you say.  

All that said, he's not meeting your needs on a number of levels. This is far more complex than not understanding love languages.  He's not who you want him to be....and pushing him to be something else has made him fall out of love with you...which means he won't make the effort anymore.

[sk1977]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think love languages are about understanding how each of you give and receive love.   When it's small changes to an already well functioning relationship, we can certainly deliver more of what the other needs in their love language, but if it's a huge change, it's not going to happen to a significant degree because no amount of love will deliver a personality transplant. 

For instance, if your love language is 'words of affirmation' and your partner's love language is 'acts of service', then both of you look at the big picture.  If the person you love isn't wordy, no amount of love is going to make them wordy.   Sure, they might be able to remember to compliment you when you're dressed up to go out, but they aren't suddenly going to be telling you all the wonderful things they love about you.  But instead of feeling unloved because your love language isn't' being met, the secret is to look at the way they bring you a cup of tea when you're feeling tired.  Or how they make sure your car is clean.  And the garbage is always taken out.  Meanwhile, if they are feeling down because they feel you don't do much for them, they should look at all the kind and loving words you say.  

All that said, he's not meeting your needs on a number of levels. This is far more complex than not understanding love languages.  He's not who you want him to be....and pushing him to be something else has made him fall out of love with you...which means he won't make the effort anymore.

He says he still loves me. Do you think he does not, based on his behavior? 

[basil67]

Does he still love you?  I don't know.  In what ways does he show his love for you?

Edited August 9, 2022 by basil67

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, sk1977 said:

The way he explained it, the drug use started because of the emotional brokenness. The drug use stopped, but the emotional brokenness is still there.

I’m assuming that he went through a drug rehab program? And if so, he would have done a lot of therapy? Is he continuing with therapy? What is he doing to help himself to be a better person and a better partner for you?

11 hours ago, sk1977 said:

And me, being the biggest empath, I feel sorry for him.

There are a lot of women in this world who get themselves into some very difficult relationships because they feel sorry for or think that they can heal/change their partner. 

12 hours ago, sk1977 said:

How do I move on while still loving him?

Lots of people who are in very unhealthy or abusive relationships leave the relationship even though they still “love” their partner. It is possible to love someone and till say - this relationship is not happy/healthy for me and I need to make a different decision for myself. 

In a sense, you need to love yourself more (than you love him).

Edited August 9, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, sk1977 said:

lived together 2.5 years, Together 3 years. 
I knew when he was using.

It would be best for you to get support from Nar-Anon.  It is for those involved with addicts. You seem to be stuck in a dynamic.

You're trying to make him into someone he's not. And that is a fully present and available partner. That was never the case.

You two started out and moved in together while he was a using addict, so a better understanding of this could help you navigate the relationship more realistically.

Edited August 9, 2022 by Wiseman2

[sk1977]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It would be best for you to get support from Nar-Anon.  It is for those involved with addicts. You seem to be stuck in a dynamic.

You're trying to make him into someone he's not. And that is a fully present and available partner. That was never the case.

You two started out and moved in together while he was a using addict, so a better understanding of this could help you navigate the relationship more realistically.

I hear you loud and clear. After reading all the comments and having conversations with him, the last few nights, I realized he is not capable of giving me what I need. I think even if he really wanted to, he would still not be able to meet me where I’m at. It’s no use to ask for it or get upset or get into arguments over it. It’s not healthy for me mentally, emotionally and physically. I need to let go. 

[sk1977]

20 hours ago, basil67 said:

Does he still love you?  I don't know.  In what ways does he show his love for you?

It’s a good question. He brings me flowers once in a while, makes me dinner sometimes, helps with cleaning and groceries. He goes to couple’s therapy with me and tries working on things. 

[sk1977]

Thank you to all who responded. It helped me understand the situation better. I appreciate it!

[stillafool]

It sounds to me like he's just coasting along in this relationship but is not very happy.  Were those 5 kids your and his together?

[sk1977]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It sounds to me like he's just coasting along in this relationship but is not very happy.  Were those 5 kids your and his together?

3 of them are mine (they are young adults, the youngest is 18) and 2 of them are his, and they are younger.

[JRabbit]

Seems like this is his personality and you want that to change. Was he different in the beginning? Then I could see how his actions are unfair, but if he has never been a talker or cared about your day then he is who he is.

I've left a man who was similar to this for this reason. It gets old having a partner who doesn't engage with you.