No Contact Support Thread. Post here instead of contacting your ex.

[howwie324]

<Moderation note: We have chosen this thread to continue our program of creating a common space for members to post in lieu of contacting an ex-spouse or ex-partner while in what we term 'No Contact' (NC). This thread is mainly to provide an outlet for those otherwise contacts and support for that and not to discuss the various aspects of the no contact process or its effectiveness. This thread will be pinned and replaces the very long current thread which will be closed and a link left to this thread for those who have subscribed. Thanks!>

 

I had the idea to start a thread for those of us who are going through, or at least attempting to go through No Contact.

 

Post to vent, or reach out for support.

 

I know I could use the support right now. It's very difficult for me.

 

Today I contacted my ex through work email concerning a coworker of mine who has been laid off. She agreed to IM with me. (Admittedly, this was a very poor choice on my part, please don't judge)

 

At the end of the conversation I asked "So can we be friends and end this silence"

 

She replied back something to the effect of "I have concerns about your emotional stability so I have stepped back to avoid the drama, so no, at this point we cannot be friends."

 

And while it hurt, I can't say I disagree with her. My emotional state is not very stable, and probably only prolonged No Contact will remedy that.

 

I'm sure there are others in the same boat who could also use the support.

Edited August 9, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Title

[pointless]

Good idea @howwie324 - I need somewhere else to write rather than initiating contact (which is all I can think about).

Even though I know NC is the BEST option for my situation right now .. I still want to make contact. It's completely irrational and I know we would end up at square one.

 

I have been journalling my thoughts - ups and downs - about it since we initiated NC which has only been a few days. But it helps. I am having good days and bad days - today I REALLY wanted to make contact.. and then remembered there was no point.

 

I am leaving for overseas tomorrow for at least 12 months - he told me he was deleting the app that we were using to message each other and I am already thinking of legitimate excuses to make contact via email etc... when I know it's only because I can't stand the thought of NC long term.

 

If you agreed with her response then it sounds like you know NC is the best for your situation also. It is so hard. You are not alone. Use this to vent as opposed to reaching out to her as she will not say what you want to hear.

I also often tell myself - why waste time and energy on someone that doesn't want to talk to you?

[Wewon]

I've been down this road enough to know that NC is probably the best medicine. There's zero shame in doing what you know is best for you and helping you to move on.

 

I've followed the crowd of being friends, tried to be "hip" and mature ala Jerry and Elaine and found that its simply not the way I'm wired. I'm simply not that shallow.

 

Diving into a friendship prematurely helps noone especially the person that needs the pallet cleanser of nc.

[itisdanielle]

Hi guys!

 

Needing a bit of NC moral support today. I keep thinking that if I casually reach out to my ex (the dumper) and we get talking he will realise he misses me. Ugh I hate how pathetic I sound!

 

I know I need to stick to it. I'm doing SO WELL with the NC but feeling weak today. Words of wisdom and encouragement would be amazing!

 

How is everyone else doing?

[howwie324]

Hi guys!

 

Needing a bit of NC moral support today. I keep thinking that if I casually reach out to my ex (the dumper) and we get talking he will realise he misses me. Ugh I hate how pathetic I sound!

 

I know I need to stick to it. I'm doing SO WELL with the NC but feeling weak today. Words of wisdom and encouragement would be amazing!

 

How is everyone else doing?

 

So far so good, for me, no contact since Friday, not very long, I know, but it's a start and I'm beginning to accept the fact that we may never speak or even be friends again. Which sucks, but I think the best thing for me it to learn to accept that as a real possibility, and work toward being OK with that.

[Silver_star]

It has been over a month since I last saw him (he broke up with me). We spoke in messages after that through whatsapp.

I deleted my whatsapp a couple weeks ago, and so our only form of communication has been through facebook. I haven't seen him since the BU. He lives in another country, but we had a very intense relationship and have met in person. My love for him was real and deep, and I know he loved me too at one point.

 

 

It's been 4 days since we last spoke on facebook. I was friendly with him but it just seems weird because I am used to talking to him every day and saying I love you and all that , but also we talked about our relationship the day before that and he left the door open to reconciling down the line. He said he has to figure himself out. It makes it really hard to move on when I feel like he still has some feelings for me, but is just going through some hard things on his own.

 

 

He was hurt I deleted my whatsapp and told him to back off because he still wants me in his life. I am second guessing removing him from most of my communication platforms because although I don't want to seem desperate in reaching out. I want him to know he isn't completely alone in things, and I want him to know deep down how much I love him...I just wish he knew that before breaking up with me.

[Silver_star]

Hi guys!

 

Needing a bit of NC moral support today. I keep thinking that if I casually reach out to my ex (the dumper) and we get talking he will realise he misses me. Ugh I hate how pathetic I sound!

 

I know I need to stick to it. I'm doing SO WELL with the NC but feeling weak today. Words of wisdom and encouragement would be amazing!

 

How is everyone else doing?

 

 

 

Each day that goes by will be better, maybe not at the beginning, and you might not notice right away, but each day is a step forward not back.

Do not reach out. You don't need to say anymore to him. Actions speak louder than words with guys anyways, if he missed you and wanted you back you would know.

Keep yourself busy. Find a book or go on a girls weekend and unplug (that's what I did this weekend) it will really help you get back to yourself.

[Dylon]

Once upon a time, two people shared everything and know what's going on. They know the feelings of the other. We can ask and talk. It goes on for a long time. Then suddenly everything goes black with NC. That does a number on your phyche. We are creature of needing answers, knowing, for suvival. Now we are deprived of that.

 

Of course, then there's the emotion and missing what was once something great and cherished. The path of up and down was carried out through a span of time. Now that path stopped. The mind jumbles all the events into this short period of time. I hate him. I love him. I miss him. He's bad for me. He's good for me. You experience everything at once.

 

One crazy mind trip!

[itisdanielle]

Each day that goes by will be better, maybe not at the beginning, and you might not notice right away, but each day is a step forward not back.

Do not reach out. You don't need to say anymore to him. Actions speak louder than words with guys anyways, if he missed you and wanted you back you would know.

Keep yourself busy. Find a book or go on a girls weekend and unplug (that's what I did this weekend) it will really help you get back to yourself.

 

Thanks Silver_star. It's been just over a month of NC and I've deleted him from everything so there's no way of phoning him. I have his email address but I feel strong enough to stick to this. I know that any contact has to come from him. It's just difficult when the dumper doesn't reach out. I know breadcrumbs make things worse and it's good that I'm not getting any ..but it still hurts feeling forgotten about.

So are you sticking with NC? You said you last spoke to him 4 days ago. Are you planning on not speaking anymore? I think that's your best bet for healing.

 

Once upon a time, two people shared everything and know what's going on. They know the feelings of the other. We can ask and talk. It goes on for a long time. Then suddenly everything goes black with NC. That does a number on your phyche. We are creature of needing answers, knowing, for suvival. Now we are deprived of that.

 

Of course, then there's the emotion and missing what was once something great and cherished. The path of up and down was carried out through a span of time. Now that path stopped. The mind jumbles all the events into this short period of time. I hate him. I love him. I miss him. He's bad for me. He's good for me. You experience everything at once.

 

One crazy mind trip!

 

Very well worded! Definitely a crazy mind trip. In a way, NC has already really helped. I don't obsess about what he's doing/who he's talking to now because there's no way of me even having a hint of an idea of what he's up to. Whereas when I still had him on my social media accounts, I would see the tiniest thing and analyse it to hell! Now it's just the uncertainty of the future that I'm struggling with.

[Silver_star]

Hey Danielle,

 

 

I am sticking with NC. He is the one that contacts me, but I think he finally realized that we both need to just get on with our lives and he hasn't tried to reach out in 4 days, and doesn't log on to facebook as much as he used to. I think he is trying to resist his urges to contact me which is good I guess because he doesn't know what he wants still and its just a roller coaster.

 

I am scared about him moving on from me, and forgetting about me too.

I think we both need to do just that though in order to get any kind of closure on the broken relationship.

[anonymousbear00101100]

My two year relationship ended technically 3 days ago, and officially with NC started today at 2 in the morning. I talked about it earlier today in a thread here. It has already started getting tough, realizing that we can never talk again after being best friends and getting along for so long. I know she isn't right for me, I know I want better, and as Silver_star pointed out, I am just addicted to her. I got really comfortable and didn't want to go through this breakup that was bound to happen and that I could feel coming. I am trying so hard to not contact her, because I know I will only try to win her back, and I don't want that.

 

I don't know if anyone here likes to watch standup comedy (so far been one of my favorite ways to get over this breakup), but in Bill Burr's latest podcast, he compared getting out of a relationship to giving up crack. If you just submit yourself to a little pain and go to rehab for a couple of months, you'll come out a lot better on the other end.

 

While he does say it in his usual absurd way, it is actually helping a bit. I just need to remember the only reason I wish we were still together has nothing to do with my feelings for her, but the feeling of not being in a relationship.

 

One of the most positive things I've done so far is started talking to my sister again. I haven't seen her in so long since she moved to more permanently live in the city she goes to college. I actually found out she was also going through a breakup with a guy she's been dating for almost 6 years now. Just reaching out to my family is already helping me feel a lot better!

 

I'm very new to this forum (and quite new to the heartbreak world as well), and I'd just like to thank everyone here for giving me a place to just share what I'm thinking.

[Heartbrokenguy80]

Hi everyone

 

It's good that we can support each other. I tried NC and I gave in few times but I'll keep trying. My gf broke up with me 4 months ago and I still think of her daily. I recently came across an article which I think is good. So I'm gonna paste it here:

 

Starting over can be scary. One minute you have the rest of your life planned out with someone else, and then the next minute you are trying to figure out how to live your life without that person being apart of it. It's hard coming to grips and understanding that all the memories you have made and all the time you have invested in someone, may all be over. Some of us have so many fears of letting go of a love that just isn't working anymore. We fear that we will be alone for an extended amount of time. We fear that other people will perceive us as failures, even when they will never know all of the facts on why everything ended. We think about all of these negative things without even being able to see the true positive out of the situation which is, we can be happy again. We can get the weight of negative energy up off of us. We can get back to discovering our own inner beauty again and being more proud of who we are. Sometimes we can lose our identity trying to find a way to save a draining relationship. We have to keep in mind that our own personal happiness matters as well and not just the other person. We need to love who we are, before we can love someone else.

 

 

Hope it helps everyone of us in healing process

[superdub]

"So can we be friends and end this silence"

 

I have this feeling a lot. However, I do nothing. You aren't alone. I know how temporally destitute and lonely it feels.

 

I talk myself out of doing anything, every time and I am a little embarrassed that I make no effort, but am confident that is what she would want and what is best for me.

[jrode23]

Last night marked a month since you broke up with me. If I said you still didn't cross my mind on a daily basis, I'd be lying. However, the thoughts continue to dwindle. I know you're not coming back and I know you're out seeing other people. Whether or not you're looking for my replacement or just trying to meet new people and see if what we had was special, I don't know. I'd venture it's the former since you haven't reached out to me at all and since you seemed to have an easy time with the breakup.

 

I still don't understand why it happened or what went south. I'll probably never know, but I could have given you everything you wanted and vice versa. I have been dating casually, just to put myself out there again and while I've met some really nice people, I don't click with them the way we did. When we first met, I had never felt that kind of spark before with anyone and I really thought I had found the person who I had been looking for.

 

Obviously, over the long run, you didn't feel the same way. I'll probably never get over you. Sure, I'll move on and be happy at some point, but you'll always be the one that got away. I've had a few dreams where you show up at my apartment, tell me how much of a mistake you've made and in them I take you back. It's hard, because I don't know if I could do that if it happened in real life anymore. The things you said to me continue to sting. That you just didn't see a future with me, despite numerous times stating otherwise. The fact that you told me constantly how great I was and that I did stuff for you that no one else had. Thinking back, whether or not those thing were true, it hurts so much that you said those things and then decided to break it off. They were either lies or they were just words and meaningless overstatements that you said just because you were afraid of hurting me. Well, it hurts far worse now than it would have if you hadn't seem so deeply enamored when we were together. I'm at a point in my life where I know what I'm looking for and I genuinely thought you were it.

 

Sometimes I feel foolish and naive because I bought into everything you said. You were very convincing. Maybe you meant those things, maybe you didn't. It doesn't matter now because you're gone and I'm alone.

 

Maybe someday our paths will cross and we'll be able to talk. Then again, maybe not. Only time will tell.

[Skullheart]

Again I dream of you. Again I wake up in my bed with tears running down my face. Again I have memories flash in my head.

 

I wish I could forget you, I wish I didn’t care anymore.

 

But no, I still love you with all my heart and pray on false hope that you will want me back. As much as I want to “Move on” I can’t, my roots are still deeply tangled with yours.

 

I want to be with others to feel better but they are always busy. A good amount of the time I find my self alone, trying to cope with the loneliness. I miss our conversations that lasted though out the whole day, the good morning messages, the goodnight messages, and everything in between.

 

It’s hard to do all of this alone and the anxiety that goes along with it just makes it worse. I miss your comfort, I miss your love, I miss it all.

 

As these days go by I know I probably don’t even appear in your thoughts, as much as I think to myself and hope to my self that I do, I know that in all reality that they don’t. Yet I still find you on my mind every single day, thinking of the what ifs, memories, and what could have been.

 

Everyday gets harder and it gets worse, like a downward spiral into oblivion. Everyday I am tortured by my emotions and they make me feel worse every second I am awake and even when I sleep.

 

I wish you would come back to me, I miss you so much and I love you so much.

[howwie324]

Today is for some reason tough for me, not sure why exactly, probably because it's Thursday, and we used to go to lunch on Thursdays. I keep wanting to email her, but I know keeping up NC is the best. I'm sure she still thinks I'm unstable and does not want to hear from me. I made a "date" for Saturday, just as friends with a woman I met on CL how replied to an ad I posted under "platonic", "Just need a friend". I'm trying to get out there and keep myself busy. I'm actually considering talking to a counselor, just so I have someone I can vent to. I really probably can't keep it inside, maybe it's best to get it out and talk about it. We've been broken up since September 29th, and at first we had some contact ... I posted details in this thread in case anyone is curious.here

 

Tomorrow will be one week of NC. Today just really sucks.

[howwie324]

Letter to her:

 

You were always obsessed with your ex-husband. Every little thing I did that you had an issue with, you immediately compared me to him. It was exhausting living in his shadow. Maybe you are still obsessed with him. Do you still creep on his FB page? I think deep down, despite the abuse he levied on you, you are still in love with him. I'm sure after you have long since forgotten me you will still be obsessed with him. I think you are attracted to douchebags who use you, more than nice men who try their best to treat you well. Also, you created more drama than you realize, with your passive-aggressive postings that you knew would draw a reaction from me. I've realized how childish that was. I've taken this opportunity to grow up some. I've admitted my mistakes and apologized for them. While we were together you unfairly compared me to your ex, and since we have broken up, you have taunted me in to reacting just so you could gain "control" by ignoring me. Which is fine because it's for the best. Yes, you were special, but I know now that I can do better and be a better man, more satisfied with my own pursuits than I could have been with you. This was an opportunity to change for the better, and I've taken that opportunity and am making the most of it. I hope you are too Please consider this constructive criticism, if I didn't care, I wouldn't need to get this off my chest. If you're as wise as you aspire to be, you will listen and consider it, and not brush it off as the rantings of an unstable ex. I know we can never be together again, mostly because you will never offer an apology. You will never admit to doing any wrong: you don't have to; pretty women always have someone who will support what they say or do regardless of how wrong or right it may be. But honestly, I don't care about right or wrong; you hurt me and you know it, and I will never hear you say, "I'm sorry." I feel I deserve at least that much, but I doubt you can bring yourself to even admit it to yourself, let alone say it. You can grow as a person, or you can recede back in to your cold shell of protection, and learn nothing from what I say. I hope you choose the former, because I know that inside you do have a good heart. I also know you don't show it enough because you feel the world values cold, calculating manipulation. And I know I will never feel anything again from the heart inside of you, and that's fine. We've both let our pride keep us from happiness. I've learned that. I hope you learn it too. I'm a better man for it, and I know that. You don't need to get over me, I don't think I ever really meant that much to you ... I was just a long-term rebound from an abusive marriage. Before you date again, you need to get over your former husband, otherwise you will just wind up hurting another man who has grown to care for you.

[anonymousbear00101100]

I haven't seen her since my birthday two weeks ago as we were long distance. We haven't talked since Tuesday at 2:00 AM. I've been (in general) much happier and more excited for my future since we are not together. I do get sad though. I miss the memories. Going out to dinner, holding her hand, talking about our future children. I try to remember I'll get to do that with my next girlfriend, one who treats me better, doesn't get irritated over nothing, isn't so selfish and takes everything so personally.

 

Sometimes I feel bad for her, thinking that she's going to one day realize we shouldn't have broken up. Other times I'm upset, because I think she feels bad for me and that I'm some pathetic baby. I really want to text her and make sure she's okay with this still, and tell her that I'm doing great. I just loved this girl so much and we were best friends, I really hate the idea of her thinking I'm pathetic. It's going to be a chore not acting on my instincts and messaging her tonight or in the coming days.

[LLQ1986]

We hugged and kissed goodbye on Monday, the minute after you left, I texted you that I was missing you already. You only coldly replied, 'that quick?'

 

You told me we can still be friends, best friends you said. You assured me many times that you still care about me and want me in your life... as a friend I suppose. You just don't want me back.

 

I'm probably one of the nicest persons you have ever met and I meant a lot to you- you said. But you don't want to commit in this relationship now because you feel that you have yet to heal from the previous one (he's married with a son who's living with the mother in another country; she's a manipulative b*tch who only uses him for money)

 

You're right about needing time to fully recover. But while you do so, I can't be in touch with you anymore because I can't stay JUST friends with you. I'm going to work on myself and get myself ready to meet the next person who will truly love & appreciate me for who i am.

 

I sent you my last email on Tuesday; I told you how I felt about this whole thing and asked you not to contact me ever again as i need time & space to heal. And then with a broken heart, I deleted our chat history, your number and media files in my phone.

 

You texted me the next morning anyhow, asking if I was at the airport already (I flew to his country to say final goodbye). I saw that text and replied only 'yeah' hours later. He told me he was only texting to see if I was alright, and not gonna contact me again after this as I asked him.

 

No Contact is what I'm doing right now. But you still texted me on Wed, asking me to delete those sexy photos you have sent me, I deleted that text without reading it. The next day you texted again 'please confirm'. I waited for awhile to reply 'already did' and then you followed up with 'also those in your macbook air'.

 

To be honest, I couldn't be arsed to look and delete them one by one in my laptop, I just backed up my photos that's all, I hardly look at them once I've done so.

 

My final reply was- 'You have nothing to worry about'.

 

You replied, 'Ok.' and that was it. I deleted the text again without giving you the 2 blue ticks.

 

As much as I would love to hear from you again, I'm actually pretty nervous to hearing from you again. I hope you don't try contact me for a long long time. I still think of you a lot and I wanted to share everything with you on a daily basis.

 

But I need to move on. without you in my life.

[LLQ1986]

Letter to her:

 

You were always obsessed with your ex-husband. Every little thing I did that you had an issue with, you immediately compared me to him. It was exhausting living in his shadow. Maybe you are still obsessed with him. Do you still creep on his FB page? I think deep down, despite the abuse he levied on you, you are still in love with him. I'm sure after you have long since forgotten me you will still be obsessed with him. I think you are attracted to douchebags who use you, more than nice men who try their best to treat you well. Also, you created more drama than you realize, with your passive-aggressive postings that you knew would draw a reaction from me. I've realized how childish that was. I've taken this opportunity to grow up some. I've admitted my mistakes and apologized for them. While we were together you unfairly compared me to your ex, and since we have broken up, you have taunted me in to reacting just so you could gain "control" by ignoring me. Which is fine because it's for the best. Yes, you were special, but I know now that I can do better and be a better man, more satisfied with my own pursuits than I could have been with you. This was an opportunity to change for the better, and I've taken that opportunity and am making the most of it. I hope you are too Please consider this constructive criticism, if I didn't care, I wouldn't need to get this off my chest. If you're as wise as you aspire to be, you will listen and consider it, and not brush it off as the rantings of an unstable ex. I know we can never be together again, mostly because you will never offer an apology. You will never admit to doing any wrong: you don't have to; pretty women always have someone who will support what they say or do regardless of how wrong or right it may be. But honestly, I don't care about right or wrong; you hurt me and you know it, and I will never hear you say, "I'm sorry." I feel I deserve at least that much, but I doubt you can bring yourself to even admit it to yourself, let alone say it. You can grow as a person, or you can recede back in to your cold shell of protection, and learn nothing from what I say. I hope you choose the former, because I know that inside you do have a good heart. I also know you don't show it enough because you feel the world values cold, calculating manipulation. And I know I will never feel anything again from the heart inside of you, and that's fine. We've both let our pride keep us from happiness. I've learned that. I hope you learn it too. I'm a better man for it, and I know that. You don't need to get over me, I don't think I ever really meant that much to you ... I was just a long-term rebound from an abusive marriage. Before you date again, you need to get over your former husband, otherwise you will just wind up hurting another man who has grown to care for you.

 

Message to my ex.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Message to ex:

 

Hi......Bye!

[2mehappiness]

Its day 12 of NC. I miss him like crazy. I cant help but think and subconsciously dream about him everyday since the breakup. I know this breakup is fresh but I thought it would be easier with time. Why do I feel like Im not progressing. I feel like im falling back on the bandwagon. I resent myself for thinking about him all the time. I resent myself for wanting to text him whenever I have any significant news to share. I resent that im secretly hoping that he would text, call or email me to tell me that he has changed and want to reconcile. There were so many signs that this relationship is not going to work out, but i ignored it because I love him. Why do I only remember the happy moments when we were together but not the times when I cried and cried because I didnt know where I stood in the relationship. I dont even know if he ever loved me. I worked so hard and put in so much effort. I thought all my efforts would pay off in the end just like how I was taught when i was a child. I should be at work right now, but I cant. Im so tired. Im emotionally and physically drained. Im very tempted to contact him and ask him if he still cares because I am in so much pain right now. Why doesnt he contact me, does he not care? What happened?? How can someone I deeply care about not care about me? He cant spend 10seconds to see if im ok? why cant i get over him. ughhhhhhhhh

[Ace799]

This Thursday its been a month since NC (I have no desire to contact you) but as I sit here listening to Eminem - Stronger than I was, it reminds me of our relationship.

 

I know you probably think I would but I would never ever go that far and hurt you like that (no matter what other people say) and its so difficult lately (again I have no desire to contact you) but I just want to tell you how much I love you these past couple of days, honestly more than anything, and honestly lately the past week i've realized no matter what happens, i'll always love you.

 

- Jack

[Cupid's Puppet]

Almost 2 years later and I still cry about you. You are probably engaged planning to buy a house with a fiance by now. It just hurts knowing that you probably never did envision a long life like that with me. I just wish you could have left me with an idea of how I could have saved our love. Instead I have to constantly find bad things about myself that made you end it. When I look back on our relationship, I just see myself as evil and you as good. It really hurts knowing I have to live my whole life without ever seeing, hearing, or touching you again. This is torture, a life sentence.

[Cupid's Puppet]

Sorry I hurt you so much. Sorry I caused so much pain in your life. Sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations. Sorry I blew it. Sorry I was born.