No Contact Support Thread. Post here instead of contacting your ex.

[countryfeedback]

I now see your family is as level headed as yourself. When everything came crashing down I hoped you would get back on your medication and check into rehab, you're still the same Trainwreck I left 9 months ago. Apparently everything I do is to send a message to you? I skate because I know you watch me? I wear headphones on my walks to drown you out? I go swimming in my parents pool to make you jealous so you can count the hair on my back?? It's pretty frustrating trying to have privacy and relax in the water when I could overhear someone yelling for someone to stop looking at "him". I started drinking again to make you feel bad for me? I ignored you in front of your friends when I got back from a trip to make you look like a fool, really? The morning I left, you walked in front of my house and screamed that you'll have me killed! I understand it's your bpd that compels you to get attention from me, good and bad; I'm moving on and you're still causing problems. I don't feel bad for you anymore, go ahead give me more ammunition for when I file that police report Monday.

Edited July 22, 2017 by countryfeedback

[gardenbear]

It's been eight days since I told you I wouldn't speak to you anymore and eight days since you said that you would probably still check in and say hello every now and then and that I could text, call, or message you whenever I felt like.

You have text and emailed me short messages since then for 6 days. You said good morning and goodnight, you sent me a picture of yourself, you sent me information of a flood near your home, you sent me a link to a travel website. Why? To remind me that you wanted to take a trip with me to your property in Alaska? Of the hot springs in the snow, with huge trees around? I didnt reply. I didnt hear from you yesterday and I was relieved. I wondered if you were back home from a work trip and around your wife now and couldn't get away to send a message or you weren't so lonely anymore or if you finally understood that you really aren't that different from other men and that maybe I realized that your messages weren't enough to make me believe you cared about me.

 

I had a dream last night that I was hiking up a rocky mountain with a man I didn't recognize. When we got to the top we got into a hot spring we found... when we got in the water turned pink. Suddenly, we were inside a house and another lady was trying to take the man away. We both tried to get away and we went into a bedroom together. The man got into the bed and told me to lock the doors and so I did. When I tried to meet him in the bed he was gone.

I opened the doors and looked around the empty house. I went outside and saw the man and the lady inside a big sky blue truck. And I got a baseball bat and started to strike the truck, breaking all the lights and denting the body of the truck. When I was done I said okay get out of here! And I waved goodbye.

 

I woke up and wondered about the dream. I felt good and also upset with myself. I wondered why you would want to be with someone who you say treats you so badly. I wondered why you would go back to someone who was dating other men while you were separated but came back when she found out about us. Someone who you say still treats you badly after we broke up when you couldn't make up your mind. It doesn't matter what a horrible person or how "crazy "your wife is... youre the one who left me. You left even though I said I wouldn't be the other woman. But you held on to me "as friends" and I held on too.

I didnt pick up a baseball bat and ruin your car but I made things worse by not stopping contact. Even if you didn't know how it would make things worse by keeping contact... I could have walked away.. I should have walked away sooner. That's a mistake I have to live with. I'm glad I walked away now.

[Stuck2532]

I've been wanting to talk to her all weekend. Not all day, which is nice, but I still definitely think about her 2-3 times a day, and I feel so guilty when I do because I'm always around my W and kids during those times. I wanted to talk to her about Chester's suicide since she was a fan like I have always been. We used to sing those songs together in the car the very few times we were alone in the car. I also wanted to tell her about my recent accomplishments at work and how I've been doing better than I expected. She always had much more confidence in me than I do myself.

 

But no, I refuse. She'll probably tell me something about how great her life is going with her new live-in boyfriend. A mutual friend asked me if I knew about the two of them buying a house...well, I guess she moved on. I'm happy for her, and that's another reason why I don't think I should text her. She's really done it, and I'm here wallowing in self-pity and not telling anyone about it, except those in this forum. I keep telling myself that I just find these excuses to talk to her randomly, when there really isn't anything to talk about. I won't look for excuses anymore. They are going to pop up like they always do, but I will ignore them and keep going on with my life.

 

"You can't be what you were. So you better start being what you are."

[gardenbear]

I read your post about wanting to reach out to your ex and talk about Chester's suicide. A few things about your post struck me. A lot of people were hurt with this news of Chester. I used to listen to his music a lot when I was a teenager and it got me through a lot. It was around the time I was getting flashbacks of repressed memories of being sexually abused as a child. I didnt know that Chester had been abused by an older man until I read Of his suicide. It broke my heart. I was so grateful for his music which allowed me to feel not so overwhelmed with the weight I carried and didn't know what to do with then. My heart is with his friends and family and all who loved him and his music.

Falling in love with a married man has taught me things about myself and about people. .. My father had numerous affairs with other women. My mother told me he would bring some other woman around the house when my mom was pregnant with me. I saw how much it hurt my mom and I would wonder what kind of mindset a person had to have to hurt someone this way, the mindset and heart of a woman who sees a married man, the mind and heart of a person who strays but won't break a commitment to a spouse even when they are treated horribly. I wanted a simple answer but have found life and humans are much more complex. And although some people see certain actions as unforgivable it doesn't always mean they are. I found out that man cannot live off bread alone... I learned, in my younger years, to almost hate or resent my father for doing what he did to my mother but he also did many great things. He wasn't a monster.

Maybe we expect too much from one single person. And feel guilty when we find what we need with someone else, when we are told we can only be intimate with one person.

I fell in love with a very kind person that had been separated for years. I believed him... I believed him when he said he was ready to move on and not fall for her tricks and not crawl back to her and I believe he believed that too... but when she came back it was another story.

 

Sorry for rambling... I hope you find peace. Take care.

[Finlandia]

I am somewhat glad to see others talking about Chester in this forum. I could have seen myself talking about it with my ex too as he knew from past conversations that I used to be a huge fan as a young teen.

 

I started listening to their music again in my time of healing and NC because music is part of my coping mechanism and it helps stop me from sending angry texts calling out my ex on his lies. The emotion in a few of their songs resonates with me on some level at the moment. At the same time Chester's actions have affected me in some weird way.... His suicide has helped distract me from my break up but thinking that someone I used to look up to so strongly at a young age is now gone.... I don't feel depressed, I'm certainly not crying over his death but it doesn't seem real to me and I'm having a much harder time accepting it than I should. I really do not know how to explain it...

 

Also as a victim of sexual harassment myself...... I felt for him. I really did. His poor tortured soul, I do hope he's found peace now.

 

I've started writing a hand written journal based on my emotions for when I get those emotional outbursts. It has been helping so far make sense of my situation.

[Liesbeth]

Dear ex,

 

 

I really wished you could just act normal at work when we see each other. We were in a meeting today with three (you, me and your boss). During the entire meeting, you did not look at me at all, anxiously avoiding me. Why is it so difficult to even look at me? I wonder if you feel ashamed. I no longer want you back. Right now I don't even know why I fell for you. How can you be so stone cold and disrespectful towards someone you claimed you loved? But still I am angry and still you weigh too heavily on my emotions. I wish I could just switch off my feelings. I guess I am not done healing, but I will heal. I will not allow others to treat me the way you did and still do. I guess you showed your true colors once you dumped me. And yes it hurts, but it will make me a better, stronger person. I doubt that you will be going through the same process. I noticed that lately I sometimes wish bad things happen to you (not really bad things). I hope this is just a phase and I'm moving on to indifference. I really look forward being indifferent towards you. It is really difficult to see you every working day. But I am coping, maintaining no contact (unless workrelated) and trying to look after myself (with ups and downs). I still miss you at times a lot. But you have showed me really harshly that you don't care. I have to move on. I just needed a reminder today.

[Stuck2532]

Falling in love with a married man has taught me things about myself and about people. .. My father had numerous affairs with other women. My mother told me he would bring some other woman around the house when my mom was pregnant with me. I saw how much it hurt my mom and I would wonder what kind of mindset a person had to have to hurt someone this way, the mindset and heart of a woman who sees a married man, the mind and heart of a person who strays but won't break a commitment to a spouse even when they are treated horribly. I wanted a simple answer but have found life and humans are much more complex. And although some people see certain actions as unforgivable it doesn't always mean they are. I found out that man cannot live off bread alone... I learned, in my younger years, to almost hate or resent my father for doing what he did to my mother but he also did many great things. He wasn't a monster.

Maybe we expect too much from one single person. And feel guilty when we find what we need with someone else, when we are told we can only be intimate with one person.

I fell in love with a very kind person that had been separated for years. I believed him... I believed him when he said he was ready to move on and not fall for her tricks and not crawl back to her and I believe he believed that too... but when she came back it was another story.

 

Sorry for rambling... I hope you find peace. Take care.

 

Thank you for this, gardenbear. Much love.

[JDPT]

Ear ex,

 

We bot knew our relationship was very toxic from the very beginning there is no denying in that, we both need so much help there is no denying that. I pray for you, I pray that you have the courage to move on and work on everything it is that you need to work on. I thank you for bringing me closer to God. I thank this whole experience from helping me believe that there is a higher power and that there is something greater then myself to believe in. I thank this whole experience for granting me the opportunity to get to know myself better.

 

It was great when things were good but it reached a point where it just got too painful for the both of us and we needed to part ways and with that I'm ok. I miss you and I love you I will not deny that fact but I was told not too long ago, "just because you miss someone doesn't mean you need to be with them" this is a statement that stings but it's so true at the same time. I wish you well, you will always have a special place in my heart.

[JDPT]

Dear Ex,

 

Now I know that there was really no need for us to text each other, you reached out and I was simply being polite in replying and let me heart speak. I wish you well and hope you enjoy the song I sent you. I'm moving on, I'm so diligently working on myself, I feel so empowered for the first time and know that if I continue on this path things will get much easier for me.

 

Thank you God for granting me this to further understand why I no longer want to be with my ex. There were so many things that I didn't not like about her from the very beginning but decided to overlook those and thought those could easily be changed. I further learned that I can't change anyone, I'm no in a relationship to mold anyone. I'll like to find a girl that will meet all my dreams and I can in return do the same for her.

 

So here I am, writing to you again, because this is so much better then reaching out, it's so cathartic, it helps me breathe again, it helps me be alive and know my worth and realize that this is so much better then being in pain. I now understand and like where my life is heading towards.

[Teany3]

X,

 

You have introduced me to the most insane dichotomy of human emotion.

 

Hating and loving you. Missing and wanting you while wanting to deliver a ninja like kick to your solar plexus. Repeating all the good “let him go” quotes in my head while wondering if this is the day you will knock on my door.

 

It has been almost 9 months since you delivered the following stabs to my f*****g heart: "I'm not in love with you", "I'm never going to marry you", and "I want more from (where we live)". I replay everyday it in my f*****g mind like some kid asking for their favorite candy.

 

Why? What did I ever do to you? Our relationship had it's times but it was SO good. I never thought that I would find someone who could make me feel beautiful, loved, and so understood. Ever. I thought I was some weirdo just wondering around this world and then I met you and it was like BING! FINALLY!

 

I wish I could quiet my mind but it's like one of those neverending final credits rolls at the end of a movie. Are you with her? That disgusting ex who sent you nude pics? (Not even good ones BTW) The nasty ex that was relentless in filling your mind and feeding you lies and telling you what you wanted to hear?

 

And the worst. Were you ever happy with me? Was I ever worth it? Was I just a stepping stone until you were able to get on your feet? Do you miss me? Do you ever f***** think about me or wonder about me? Was she or really were those scummy b****** you cheated on me with worth it?

 

And the terrible. Not the questions but the clarity from the Oxytocin Fog remembering times and moments that I knew. I knew you were a lying, sneaky, narcissistic, broke, cheating, POS human being. I totally went against my head, heart, and gut because…I didn’t want to let you go and I didn’t want to lose you.

 

And the treacherous. The moments of my discovering your indiscretions. Texts, pictures, plans/arrangements. When that b**** actually called my phone. While she wasn’t prepared for what she received from my two lips - you sat there quiet. You didn’t defend me. You sat there and f*****g listened while I defended myself and our relationship and YOU SAT THERE F****** QUIET. You narcissistic b*****d you probably enjoyed it.

 

I'm hurt. It's not fair. I've done everything I am supposed to do. Strict NC, blocked on all modes of media, therapy, working out (this one is actually a good one - golden actually), family, friends, travel and hobbies. But d*** I swear I can still feel you wrapping your arms around me at night and laughing together in the morning. The flashbacks of our times together hit me so hard that I can barely breathe sometimes. I burst into tears and literally can't breathe without shaking.

 

I wish I could say I was healed but I'm just not there yet. And as much as I tell myself that it's okay and I have moved on I still get a sting when I walk down "that part" of the grocery aisle, when your favorite movie is on, and when something funny happens that I instantly want to tell you about because I know you would understand.

 

I wish you would just leave me alone. Get out of my head. Just go.

 

I know all the Oprah and Maya quotes about being single, letting go, moving on, forgiving, and living your best life. But it doesn't do much when your energy continues to haunt me.

 

On another note my POS ex: F*** you

[Jsos91]

Dear M,

 

Well after two months of working SO hard on wiping you from my life, blocking you on everything, deleting old photos and videos, not looking at your social media, you slipped through and I saw your Instagram profile picture. You look happy with a big smile on your face, you're with people I don't know, away I'm Sri Lanka having this big adventure. It hit me like a brick wall, I immediately started to shake and I felt this hot wave come over me. I'm so upset, I was doing so well and you were becoming more and more of a distant memory. I gave my phone to my best friend and asked him to block you for me and I'm starting to feel a bit better. Deep breaths and good jokes with friends has helped... it's just hard to see you so happy when in just a few weeks we were supposed to be getting married. Are you really happy though? I know social media can be very deceiving... it's just hard to see you being happier without me when you used to tell me I had the power to destroy you if I ever left. im so angry with you right now, you leave me here in pieces while you get to run off to another continent for the rest of the summer and forget about everything. It's just not fair and I don't understand how you could do this to someone you supposedly cared about. I just want to be over this like you probably are.. I'm just sick of this.

[Frostedflake]

What a nightmare. Even subconsciously, I could do with never seeing your face again.

[fieldoflavender]

X,

 

You have introduced me to the most insane dichotomy of human emotion.

 

Hating and loving you. Missing and wanting you while wanting to deliver a ninja like kick to your solar plexus. Repeating all the good “let him go” quotes in my head while wondering if this is the day you will knock on my door.

 

It has been almost 9 months since you delivered the following stabs to my f*****g heart: "I'm not in love with you", "I'm never going to marry you", and "I want more from (where we live)". I replay everyday it in my f*****g mind like some kid asking for their favorite candy.

 

Why? What did I ever do to you? Our relationship had it's times but it was SO good. I never thought that I would find someone who could make me feel beautiful, loved, and so understood. Ever. I thought I was some weirdo just wondering around this world and then I met you and it was like BING! FINALLY!

 

I wish I could quiet my mind but it's like one of those neverending final credits rolls at the end of a movie. Are you with her? That disgusting ex who sent you nude pics? (Not even good ones BTW) The nasty ex that was relentless in filling your mind and feeding you lies and telling you what you wanted to hear?

 

And the worst. Were you ever happy with me? Was I ever worth it? Was I just a stepping stone until you were able to get on your feet? Do you miss me? Do you ever f***** think about me or wonder about me? Was she or really were those scummy b****** you cheated on me with worth it?

 

And the terrible. Not the questions but the clarity from the Oxytocin Fog remembering times and moments that I knew. I knew you were a lying, sneaky, narcissistic, broke, cheating, POS human being. I totally went against my head, heart, and gut because…I didn’t want to let you go and I didn’t want to lose you.

 

And the treacherous. The moments of my discovering your indiscretions. Texts, pictures, plans/arrangements. When that b**** actually called my phone. While she wasn’t prepared for what she received from my two lips - you sat there quiet. You didn’t defend me. You sat there and f*****g listened while I defended myself and our relationship and YOU SAT THERE F****** QUIET. You narcissistic b*****d you probably enjoyed it.

 

I'm hurt. It's not fair. I've done everything I am supposed to do. Strict NC, blocked on all modes of media, therapy, working out (this one is actually a good one - golden actually), family, friends, travel and hobbies. But d*** I swear I can still feel you wrapping your arms around me at night and laughing together in the morning. The flashbacks of our times together hit me so hard that I can barely breathe sometimes. I burst into tears and literally can't breathe without shaking.

 

I wish I could say I was healed but I'm just not there yet. And as much as I tell myself that it's okay and I have moved on I still get a sting when I walk down "that part" of the grocery aisle, when your favorite movie is on, and when something funny happens that I instantly want to tell you about because I know you would understand.

 

I wish you would just leave me alone. Get out of my head. Just go.

 

I know all the Oprah and Maya quotes about being single, letting go, moving on, forgiving, and living your best life. But it doesn't do much when your energy continues to haunt me.

 

On another note my POS ex: F*** you

 

I hope writing that helped you feel better. I feel that anger every day now too. And from the sounds of it, you really are better off without this person. if they bring out negative characteristics in you and do not act like a man after the break-up, think about what they would do in the future when you need someone to be there for you.

 

It's pain now - but it'll hurt less with time. And no matter if you meet someone else or not - you don't need him. Good luck to you. We can all get through this.

 

I think the worst is trusting and loving the wrong person. We would never act of character with someone else who we didn't think would protect us. Wrong mistake. And then they use that to ridicule and shame us. Honestly, I have no words sometimes.

[clist8511]

I need you to know that you have given me severe emotional scars. Scars that I’ll probably carry around for a long time. Scars that I now have to deal with, that will affect how I perceive other people and will affect future relationships.

 

I entered the relationship with you thinking that I could trust you not to hurt me in any way, after I had been destroyed by someone else immediately before you.

 

I trusted you implicitly. To hear you shout that you ‘don’t care’ about our two and a half year relationship destroyed me. To find out that you are seeing someone else three weeks after breaking up with me has broken my heart.

 

To find out that he is taking you out and you are having such a great time and bragging about where you’ve been with him has hurt me unbelievably.

 

I can’t even shut my eyes without imagining you kissing him, or sleeping with him. Thinking about what you and he must be messaging each other, how infatuated you must be with him. How I don’t even exist, and our two and a half year relationship means nothing to you. That I mean nothing to you.

 

It is torture, and I don’t seem to be able to stop the thoughts, no matter what I try.

 

I am completely broken, and I need you to know that. I need you to realise what you have done. You threw me away and discarded me because you’re suddenly having ‘fun’ with someone else.

 

I know you don’t care because of the times I swore at you in those messages, but I was hurt and I needed you to feel just 10% of the pain I am feeling. I regret sending them because I am not a mean person, and I didn’t want to come across like one. I care about how others feel.

 

I never for a second thought that you would do this. I thought you genuinely loved me. I have only ever wanted you to love me and never to hurt or leave me. And you have.

 

You have broken my heart.

[vurtne]

Dear M,

 

I miss us so much i miss going to your city and looking at apartments saying we should live there together sometime.

 

I miss sitting in the restaurant looking at eachother and just saying i love you.

 

I miss having my arms around you i miss your family i miss when you cook breakfast for me.

 

I miss everydamn thing about you.

 

I miss how we used to be so happy together, how you made me think there was no other person in the world for me.

 

What the **** have we done.

 

You aint showing any sign of remorse or sadness, you are completely indifferent.

 

I would have never given up on us but you did.

 

Last time we saw eachother we sat in your car and held hands i told you i might get into UNI in your city and asked if you wanted to begin to see me again, you told me no and was so cold.'

 

I am moving now to a different city and a different UNI 4 hours away from you i hope you are ****ing happy. You will not see me in 3 ****ing years, you got what you wanted you wanted me gone.

 

Now i am ****ing gone, and do you even ****ing care?

 

How could you give up on our 4 years for wanting to feel the "tingling" "the honeymoonphase" "Wanting something new"

Edited August 1, 2017 by vurtne

[JDPT]

Dear My Love,

 

I cried for the first time today. This overwhelming sense of sadness rushed my chest and before I knew it I was crying my eyes out.

 

I drove by the park where you and I used to spend so much time and feed the geese. You always like doing that, you were always so simple, all you wanted was my love and company as you said.

 

But I must remember the reasons why we are no longer together, the many times I was so miserable in this relationship with you, the fact that we cheated on each other, the fact that we have so much things to work on.

 

We both met the wrong time as you stated and I concur with you. I will continue on my journey healing, and coming to terms with the fact that I must move on, I know that eventually the pain will subside.

[fieldoflavender]

I would really like to message you now to tell you how much I hate you and how much I wish I never met you. But obviously doing that would make me seem really crazy. I wish I wasn't still in love (or stupidity) when I had the chance to speak my mind. Now the realization hit too late and it's too late for me to stand up for myself. So I can write all those things here about how I wish I could have spoken my true feelings. I did say mean things to you but they didn't even surface the actual mean things you did to me.

 

I was so silly - going on and on about the stuff in your past when really it was in the present that you schemed and hurt me the most. And then again, just like you always did in your past just denied your role in any wrongdoing and you were always a victim.

 

Well you and your family can shove it. I wish I never met you all. I know life is supposed to teach me a lesson for meeting you all, but I really wish I could have learned by watching TV rather than living the nightmare.

 

But I guess only this way will I remember it better.

 

I really wish I never met you. I wish I could tell you that right now - not because I think you will hurt from it, but because I really think it's something I should say. But I can't - because it would be too weird for me to go contact you now. So obviously I will never have the chance to tell you that.

 

Well it's still important for me to say it for myself. I really wish we never spent the time together, I wish we were never together, and I really wish I could wipe every single memory we had - good and bad away from my brain. With time, it'll happen. It just needs to happen more quickly because sometimes I get so angry thinking about what a whole mistake a whole year of my life has been with you.

 

What a waste.

[Teany3]

Narcissistic X,

 

Why couldn't you ignore that relentless disgusting ex of yours the same way you are ignoring me? Why couldn't you take the same type of silent stand for our relationship and me (the girl you proposed to) the same way that you are taking against me now?

 

I know I'm not supposed to want to hear from you and I have been doing a great job with NC. I just can't help but wonder why you couldn't cut it off with your disgusting ex or any of the other disgusting b.....s the same way you have cut me off? Probably because I demanded respect, loyalty, and fidelity right? I held the mirror up and made you take a long look and see yourself.

 

6 years. 6 f.....g years. Do you still remember our last conversation? Do you remember what you said? I am SO happy I stifled those sobs and didn't let the tears drop and kept my voice was steady. I know you expected me to show up at your place or to drive by or to call and call because your are a narcissist. You know no other way to exist.

 

You always had one foot in and one foot out throughout our entire relationship didn't you? You f.....g wimp. I am SO glad I listened to my gut and said no to the financial situations I would have been burdened with now.

 

You f.....g coward. Always have been and you always will be.

 

Now you are a headache and heartache for another girl. Probably your droopy floppy ti..ed ex. You two deserve each other.

 

I know to be spiritually healthy we are to let the universe take care of our revenge and to live successfully but I hope karma takes her time on you.

 

F..k you.

[Samantha.Leo]

We are creature of needing answers, knowing, for survival. Now we are deprived of that.

 

ABSOLUTELY! This is why I am having so much trouble right now!

[Frostedflake]

You have crappy friends. I'm sorry, but it's true.

I don't know why a number of them have hit me up after the fact. It's not an ego trip for me because I would never do that to you. Shoot, I actually hope you find better ones. :/

[Samantha.Leo]

T,

I'm having trouble today. Yesterday was ok. I keep thinking about you, about us, about how everything went wrong so quickly. I think back to some of the things we talked about. You give just enough love to keep me around, but not enough to make it real. You told me that about the old you while I was in town in August. It was true 16 years ago and it is certainly true now.

 

I keep going back to those places in my mind when we were together to try to figure out where exactly it went wrong, where exactly you decided that I wasn't enough. I just can't figure it out. Was it when you realized that I didn't look the same? I told you about it before I saw you and you said that didn't matter, besides, this look is temporary, my heart has never changed. Was it when A decided she was leaving her marriage and showed you proof that you decided I wasn't enough? Did you think I wanted more from you than your time? I never said I wanted a relationship with you, not once, all I wanted was to love you. I just want to know what changed in your mind, and why it changed. I just thought I'd have more time with you, more time to love you. You made it seem like we had the whole year together. It just breaks my heart that it went so wrong so fast and I don't know if I did something wrong or what I did wrong, or if you had been using me all along with the intentions of just sleeping together. I can't help but to wonder if I hadn't told you I'd be there in August if things would be different now. Would you have stopped talking to me before I even met you again? Would we have just been friendly while I was in town? I just need answers to move forward. Please give me that. That's all I want. I need to know why you stopped talking to me. I'm torn up inside and I feel like I am stuck in limbo.

 

I told you that when I went to the Army, I cried every day. I cried for the love that I shared with and for you. I was in deep before I left. It was an incredibly tough choice to leave you behind but we weren't moving forward and you had your drug habit that was tearing us apart. Being in a place where I couldn't touch you, hold you, kiss you, show you my love tore me up. It feels like that now. Like I'm right back in that bunk crying silently for a love I would never feel again. I don't know if I'm feeling this way because we were "unfinished" so long ago, or if it is because I haven't felt these emotions for anyone in such a long time and the first time I feel anything for anyone is for my long lost love who returned to my life. Even if the return was short lived, it doesn't lessen your impact on me. You've had me twisted for such a long time and I just didn't realize how much I really felt for you. I have all this love inside and no one to give it to.

 

I think of seeing you that last night seemingly upset, on the verge of tears and I can't help but to wonder, was it fake? Did you drone up some tears to make me feel bad for you? I know it wouldn't have worked out, but it still hurts so much and I don't know what to do or how to fix this. I wish I would never have called you back. I wish I would have never put myself in this situation, as I know that I have. I wish things were different and I didn't feel so much. Part of me wants to say don't ever contact me again, but the other part wants to leave the door open for you. I know if I leave the door open, I'll never move on, as I obviously haven't yet.

 

I've been acknowledging these feelings and writing a lot over the last few days, allowing these feelings to come as they do, breaking down when it happens, screaming, crying, sobbing if necessary. Reading, listening to music that helps, and recently, I started working out again. I had to start moving. It's that need to escape feeling that I felt in the RV that morning. Running again is helping. Burying these feelings didn't help the first time, obviously, because they came back years later. 15 years they have been in my head. I know this because I always thought about you. You snuck into my dreams. I was in the middle of a war zone years after we split and I still had dreams of you. I think I'm not only mourning the loss of this new chance with you, but also the times before that didn't work and I didn't give the time to feel and work through them. I know I didn't work through them before, based on how this has been for me. I've decided that I'm going to let it all come out so that I can truly heal and move on with my life for good. I deserve to be happy and I need to bury this relationship for good. It wasn't good the first few times, and it sure isn't now. Let you be with your ex-wife.

 

Adding me on messenger didn't help. I've convinced myself that you did it by accident (or I'm trying to). I was standing in my classroom when I got the message that you added me on messenger. I had to sit down. I didn't get upset, I was just stunned I guess. I told myself, as I debated sending you a message, he has to make more of an attempt if he is trying to speak to you. I left it at that. But I keep wondering.

 

I woke up this morning sad again. I cried a little with my coffee. I think I dreamed about you but I'm not sure. I keep checking my phone waiting and hoping for some kind of message, something to tell me that you don't still care and that I can move on. This not knowing, not hearing it from you, is killing me. I just need you to tell me to move on! I haven't spoken to you since Sunday and I haven't sent you a message since Wednesday. I'm seriously trying to stay NC but it would be so easy....and yet so hard if you didn't respond.

 

I'm a mess...

[fieldoflavender]

I still really wish I had my chance to speak my mind when it wasn't weird and crazy of me. I missed my chance because I still cared about him (stupidly) at that time and thought he did.

 

But he didn't and I missed my chance. And now it's too late for me to say anything so long after the fact.

 

Sure it wouldn't have hurt him but at least I would have stood up for myself.

 

If I could go back in time, I would have walked away with dignity instead of trusting someone who did not deserve my love nor trust.

 

It's really hard for me to face that I wasn't looking out for myself and let someone hurt me like that. Let someone put me in such a vulnerable position.

 

I really wish I could tell him how much I regret being with him. How much I wish I had never met him. And how I wish he knew what I actually thought of him.

 

But it's all too late. I missed my chance. And now I can never tell him these things.

 

I know it's supposed to not matter anymore and all that. But I get really mad when I didn't even stand up for myself. I really wish I did.

[clist8511]

I miss having you in my life. I miss talking to you. Hearing about what you've been up to. I don't like this whole no contact thing. I hate it.

[Angie1982]

Definitely struggling, considering he left me for someone. I have not contacted him since the day after. I wrote an email, things I couldn't say. I don't know who or how long. He swore he didn't cheat. He made it sound like he's met her recently and he wanted to pursue. I stated that I knew I cared more for him than he cared for me and I have been dealing with depression about it. His response was incredibly vague and condescending.Saying he knew I would get through it, and that he hoped e could be friends, not addressing anything I stated. We had been together 6 months. Last few weeks he's been working day and night, or so I thought, he's clearly had time for her. The thing is we almost broke up at the end of June. Mysteriously I broke out with herpes. Now, I've only been with a hand full of people without condoms, and it's been quite some time. I don't know why, but the first time we had sex I didn't insist on a condom, I really wanted to be with him. From the minute I told him he wouldn't entertain the thought it could be him. He had been with some one for 5 years. I really don't believe it was me, I just don't believe it could have been that dormant. Either he is a carrier or he cheated. As far as I know, he never got tested. It feels so unfair that he is out there in the blissful throes of a new relationship and I have to live with this for the rest of my life, It will be a roadblock for any new relationship. Every time a new comes along and runs when they learn it will be like him leaving me all over again. I just want to be with though, I love him and I want him to come back. It's taking everything I have not to call him.

[trustyourself]

I saw her a week ago.

 

Waiting for a friend outside a bar, and saw her walking towards me. She was with another guy. She saw me and we just maintained eye contact until she walked past. She looked shocked and guilty. I was just stone faced.

 

She texted me 3 minutes later. "I am sorry"

 

WTF is that supposed to mean?!

 

It set me back. I went home and broke down. Wanted to respond so badly. But what would there even be to say?

 

Why would she even text me?

 

I have been struggling all week with the urge to respond/reach out.

 

I have not, as it will just look weak. I know we are over forever now. It still hurts me though.