Starting My Whole Life Over

[SoAlone85]

When I was in my last relationship, my partner said some cruel things to me, but some of them were true. I AM old, fat and ugly, but I wasn't always. I used to be a classy lady. I worked as an executive assistant, dressed well, was sociable, had  lots of friends. I got burned out on the work I was doing, dropped out and went into retail. In 2008,  during the recession, I lost my job, lost everything I owned, spent all my savings and was just lost. I've never recovered. I'm not the same person I was.

I lost my house and moved to another city where I thought things would be better, but they weren't. Ended up moving 5 times in 5 years, until I finally settled in here in this tiny apartment, where I've lived unhappily for six years. I am truly miserable. There is nothing left of the person I used to be. I have no money, dress in what I would have considered rags during my "clothes are everything" days, and have gained 40 lbs. 

I want to change everything about myself, but I don't have much money. I know I can do it, get back on track, make money, get my body and health back in shape, but I've gone down so far, I'm in a place where it's just overwhelming.

So I decided to just do one thing for now, and that one thing is to declutter. I have a storage space full of boxes that need to be done away with, and still have way too much stuff in my house. My son is paying for the storage space, but he says he won't pay for it but a year, and it's been 3 months. I haven't been there since we put the boxes in there. The apartment is also cluttered. I thought I would fix it by putting shelving up in the bedroom, but it makes me feel like I'm sleeping in a storage space. 

I didn't work for almost the whole two years of COVID, and now I've finally started making money (I work online) again, at least enough to pay my car insurance and gas so I can get out of this apartment sometimes. I do have one steady income that pays my rent and utillities.

Socially, I've become a recluse. I have friends, but it just seems like an annoyance to have to socialize with them. Yes, I know I'm depressed. I suffer from Major Depression, but meds do not work for me, so I just have to deal with it the best I can. I do see a counselor.

To top it all off, my hair has fallen out from stress, and is very thin now, which makes me feel even worse about myself. I guess that's the final blow. 

 

Edited August 8, 2022 by SoAlone85

[Happy Lemming]

Are there any health reasons as to why you can't go for a walk everyday??

I also gained some weight during the pandemic, but have since lost it (plus some) by going on a "one meal a day" diet and walking every morning for an hour to 90 minutes.

Of course there are mornings I don't feel like walking and would rather sleep in, but I push myself.  I use my bathroom scale as motivation and keep a spreadsheet of my progress.  That also seems to motivate me.

As far as de-cluttering, how would you feel about selling some of the items you have in storage??  On-line auctions might be a great way to turn those possessions into some much needed cash.

Every two months, a local Veterans' charity does a "everything" drive where they collect all manner of items.  I always try to fill a box with items I no longer use.  When I try to convince myself that I may need that one day, I push that thought aside and know that the charity can do good work by selling or giving away my excess stuff.  So that motivates me, as well.

As for getting old, we are all going to age.  It is better than the alternative.  I welcome the next digit clicking over... ready to turn the page and go on my next adventure.  For the record, I'm 56 and quite happy to see that number!!

In reference to re-starting your career, could you broach the subject with some local recruiters/head-hunters.  When I worked, I had a GREAT head-hunter that would place me.  She always knew when I was ready for a change and always had the perfect job for me.

Don't put too much on your plate at one time... Your friends will understand your absence as you re-boot your life.

[SoAlone85]

11 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Quote

Are there any health reasons as to why you can't go for a walk everyday??

I have lupus, and in the summer here in Florida, I cannot be out in the heat. Going out early is even impossible, because the humidity triggers my asthma. I do walk in the fall and winter when it's cooler. 

Quote

As far as de-cluttering, how would you feel about selling some of the items you have in storage??  On-line auctions might be a great way to turn those possessions into some much needed cash.

My plan was to start a resale business by selling my extra possessions. I would prefer to sell for cash on marketplace or some other local site, because Amazon and eBay take too much of your money, and it takes too long to get it, plus buyers can make all kinds of false claims to get their money back. I haven't really done anything yet, but I do have a few higher priced items I'm going to put online this week. Sadly, I already sold most of my better things just to have money to move 5 times in 5 years.

I give a lot of what I can't sell to the Humane Society thrift store. It's such a great place and always in need of money.

Quote

As for getting old, we are all going to age.  It is better than the alternative.  I welcome the next digit clicking over... ready to turn the page and go on my next adventure.  For the record, I'm 56 and quite happy to see that number!!

When I got lupus, all the treatements they had were toxic to me. I almost died twice. The doctor told me I would be dead by 50. I laughed at him, went home and started studying natural and herbal medicine and nutrition. I've kept myself alive much longer than 15 years.

Quote

 

In reference to re-starting your career, could you broach the subject with some local recruiters/head-hunters.  When I worked, I had a GREAT head-hunter that would place me.  She always knew when I was ready for a change and always had the perfect job for me.

Don't put too much on your plate at one time... Your friends will understand your absence as you re-boot your life.

 

I have a career. I'm a freelance writer. I work online at home, and wouldn't change that for the world. I could never go back to office work. I love working at  home. The sense of freedom is incredible. 

I'm trying to take it slow, but I'm not getting any younger, and I can't actually do too much at a time due to my health issues. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

[Happy Lemming]

I think you need to cut yourself some slack.  I don't know much about Lupus but it sounds pretty rough (from your description)

So yes... give yourself a pass for the weight gain until it gets cooler.  At that point, you can do some light walking (after talking to your doctor about an exercise regiment).

I had some out-patient surgery this past Spring, my doctor told me to sit on the couch and watch TV for a month... nothing else.  I gained a few pounds, but I gave myself a pass.  When my doctor released me, I went back to my morning walks and lost the weight.  You can too!!

It also sounds like you have a plan for downsizing and selling off some of your extra stuff... Good for you.  And I do like your idea of donating to the humane society (the stuff that doesn't sell). 

If you like your freelance work, stay with it... just adjust your budget for the lower income stream.  You may have to make a few sacrifices, but it will be worth it, as you say you very much enjoy what you do. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Lupus is a debilitating disease.

Your life has been filled with a lot of hardships.

Whether it has to do with your weight, finances, or your career. The environment and your responses need to change when what you are experiencing doesn't meet your expectations.

It may just be a matter of acknowledging the fact that if you want to make the desired changes, you may need to undertake activities that you may not enjoy in order to get there.

Whenever possible, try to focus your attention on the present moment. You've set a nice goal for yourself. 🙂

List the steps and break them down into manageable chunks.

Don't be afraid to let go of self-doubt. It is better to doubt your doubts than it is to doubt yourself. 

Go out and live your story...

If you were to create a legacy for yourself, what would it look like? What steps would it take for this to happen?

Also, I invite you to rethink your belief that you do not have anything, and to reconsider other options.. Because every time you believe that you have nothing, it's likely that you have the opposite in fact. 

 

Edited August 9, 2022 by Alpacalia

[jah526]

It actually sounds like you’ve set a good goal for yourself, and it’s smart to focus on one thing. Accomplishing even a little bit will boost your self-esteem.

I’m a big fan of walking too - it helps mentally as well as physically. I lost 40 lbs over a long period of time, through a combination of walking and calorie control. I have asthma too. Do you use an inhaler? I walk in all weather unless there is lightning in the area. On those days I step in place in front of the tv.

Better off without a s.o. who makes life harder by being cruel, because honestly, who needs that? I’ve had to remove several people from my life for exactly that reason. 

[SoAlone85]

13 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I think you need to cut yourself some slack.  I don't know much about Lupus but it sounds pretty rough (from your description)

So yes... give yourself a pass for the weight gain until it gets cooler.  At that point, you can do some light walking (after talking to your doctor about an exercise regiment).

I had some out-patient surgery this past Spring, my doctor told me to sit on the couch and watch TV for a month... nothing else.  I gained a few pounds, but I gave myself a pass.  When my doctor released me, I went back to my morning walks and lost the weight.  You can too!!

It also sounds like you have a plan for downsizing and selling off some of your extra stuff... Good for you.  And I do like your idea of donating to the humane society (the stuff that doesn't sell). 

If you like your freelance work, stay with it... just adjust your budget for the lower income stream.  You may have to make a few sacrifices, but it will be worth it, as you say you very much enjoy what you do. 

 

 

Thank you. Lupus is not fun, and I'm lucky it didn't affect me this badly when I was raising my children. Of course, as we get older, our body cannot fight off the effects of chronic disease as well as it once could. Still, I'm so much healthier than most of my friends my age. I can't believe how people I knew when I was younger are dropping like flies. My doctor says the fact that I never smoked or drank to excess (well, the occasional party, but who hasn't?) is a big part of how I've stayed so healthy. I don't feel so healthy, but comparatively, I guess I am for people my age, I guess I am. Now watch -- I'll say that and die of some obscure cancer no one has ever heard of! LOL

I don't like the freelance writing so much as I love being at home, doing something that is easy to keep the bills paid. I've gotten lazy, so I just try to make "enough." I have very few wants, and my needs are not extravagant. I'm sure some people would look at how I used to live, and how I live now and be shocked, but back then, I was in debt and exhausted from working every day to try to keep up. I don't have as much disposable income now (some months, I have none) and I'll be working until I die, but that's o.k. It keeps me from stagnating.

 

[SoAlone85]

12 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Lupus is a debilitating disease.

Your life has been filled with a lot of hardships.

Whether it has to do with your weight, finances, or your career. The environment and your responses need to change when what you are experiencing doesn't meet your expectations.

It may just be a matter of acknowledging the fact that if you want to make the desired changes, you may need to undertake activities that you may not enjoy in order to get there.

Whenever possible, try to focus your attention on the present moment. You've set a nice goal for yourself. 🙂

List the steps and break them down into manageable chunks.

Don't be afraid to let go of self-doubt. It is better to doubt your doubts than it is to doubt yourself. 

Go out and live your story...

If you were to create a legacy for yourself, what would it look like? What steps would it take for this to happen?

Also, I invite you to rethink your belief that you do not have anything, and to reconsider other options.. Because every time you believe that you have nothing, it's likely that you have the opposite in fact. 

 

Lupus is debilitating, but honestly, it's not as debilitating as the Major Depression. Even when my body is feeling good and I know I can get things accomplished, my mind is giving me all kinds of excuses not to. Every day is just a matter of willpower to get up even for 10 minutes at a time and get something done. 

I don't care about a legacy. I'd like my kids to remember me as someone who tried very hard to be the best parent I could be. That's all I care about. I don't care what anybody else remembers about me.

I understand the theory of lack, believing that you are lacking is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm fighting that as hard as I can, but having grown up poor, and having broken out of that, then been sent back into it by a bunch of greedy, vile bankers and stockbrokers, it's hard not to just feel like this is my lot in life. But having been successful once, I know I can be again. I just have to force myself this time, because having to succeed last time was for my kids.

 

[SoAlone85]

12 hours ago, jah526 said:

It actually sounds like you’ve set a good goal for yourself, and it’s smart to focus on one thing. Accomplishing even a little bit will boost your self-esteem.

I’m a big fan of walking too - it helps mentally as well as physically. I lost 40 lbs over a long period of time, through a combination of walking and calorie control. I have asthma too. Do you use an inhaler? I walk in all weather unless there is lightning in the area. On those days I step in place in front of the tv.

Better off without a s.o. who makes life harder by being cruel, because honestly, who needs that? I’ve had to remove several people from my life for exactly that reason. 

I've always been taught that you need to put as much energy and effort as you can into one task, usually the most difficult one, until it's done. My kids always balked at cleaning their rooms. My youngest was a whiner, and he would say "How do I do this? It's too much!" I would say "Pick up one thing, put it where it belongs, rinse and repeat." That's really my philosophy when tackling a big task. I've switched my declutter philosophy from "What do I want to get rid of?" to "What do I want to keep?"  It's changed everything! Now I go into a box and I might take out only one or two things to keep, then the whole rest of the box get divided into "sell" or "donate," mostly donate, as I don't have a lot left worth selling.

I walk around my apartment when I'm talking to my sons on the phone. I walk in place watching TV too, because that's the only way I can justify taking time out to watch TV. 

It's nice having someone, but it's nicer not to have to deal with all the crap that comes with it. My husband died in 1986. I thought about remarrying, almost did a couple of times, but just couldn't go through with it. I enjoy my freedom too much.

 

[Alpacalia]

13 minutes ago, SoAlone85 said:

Lupus is debilitating, but honestly, it's not as debilitating as the Major Depression. Even when my body is feeling good and I know I can get things accomplished, my mind is giving me all kinds of excuses not to. Every day is just a matter of willpower to get up even for 10 minutes at a time and get something done. 

I don't care about a legacy. I'd like my kids to remember me as someone who tried very hard to be the best parent I could be. That's all I care about. I don't care what anybody else remembers about me.

I understand the theory of lack, believing that you are lacking is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm fighting that as hard as I can, but having grown up poor, and having broken out of that, then been sent back into it by a bunch of greedy, vile bankers and stockbrokers, it's hard not to just feel like this is my lot in life. But having been successful once, I know I can be again. I just have to force myself this time, because having to succeed last time was for my kids.

 

From you, I feel I can learn a lot of knowledge.

It was a fresh start for me after losing a lot. I find managing my auto-immune disease extremely challenging with its many complications. My life isn't perfect, but it's not the most horrible either.

What do you find to be the most challenging?

My hair falls out too. My favorite hair building fiber is Toppik.

I like your idea of having a clean and organized living space. Orderly homes can make you feel like you're coming home to a sanctuary from the outside world. It's nice.

Yes...

Your relationship with your children is one of the most important factors in your life.

 

[SoAlone85]

18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

From you, I feel I can learn a lot of knowledge.

It was a fresh start for me after losing a lot. I find managing my auto-immune disease extremely challenging with its many complications. My life isn't perfect, but it's not the most horrible either.

What do you find to be the most challenging?

My hair falls out too. My favorite hair building fiber is Toppik.

I like your idea of having a clean and organized living space. Orderly homes can make you feel like you're coming home to a sanctuary from the outside world. It's nice.

Yes...

Your relationship with your children is one of the most important factors in your life.

 

I live my life in 10 minute spurts. Unless I have to go out to shop or do errands, I'm at home, working on something. I may have a work project that would only take an hour to do, but I have to break it up into 10 minute segments or my brain starts to shut down. Everything is stop and go. I also have back pain, so even house cleaning is a 10-minute thing before my back starts hurting and I have to sit down. Some days, as you know, are just a wash. Today is likely going to be one of those days. I can't make my brain work and I woke up with serious back pain, which isn't going away. I'm sitting her on the heating pad hating that I had to drop paying work because I can't think well enough to do it. If I work in the garden, the house goes to hell. If I work in the house, the yard goes to hell. If I go to the storage space and declutter, the yard and house go to hell. I can only do one thing at a time.

You just do what you can, and try to make it work. My home is often a mess, as is my tiny yard. The problem with my apartment is that it's only 500 sf, so even a little clutter looks like a lot, especially in the kitchen, which is TINY. I used to love to bake, but now when I do, it messes everything up so much, I have just stopped doing it. 

I sometimes say that losing everything was the best thing that ever happened to me, because it showed me what was important. I didn't have much, but it was mine and I had a little security built up. My biggest mistake was trying to hold on to my house, believing I would be employed again one day. I spent all my savings on it, and lost it anyway, then had no savings to fall back on. I should have just sold it as is and given up, but it was all I had worked for all my life, and I just couldn't let go of it.

I'll be fine, though. I continue to make mistakes (like my abusive relationship) and I always will, but a friend told me the other day that the thing she likes about me is that I never quit, never give up, no matter how hard it gets. I'm stubborn that way.

Edited August 9, 2022 by SoAlone85