I found a new lingere set and thong hidded under his underwares in his drawer.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, squarewheel6 said:

I have told him in person yesterday that I am not comfortable with it. The answer is the same pattern, 'nothing.'  

Badgering him about the same thing will get the same reply. It sounds like the relationship is difficult for you due to distance and distrust and in addition to his crypto pal, the underwear has you quite upset. Try to speak frankly and openly about what's really upsetting you such as the underwear. How hard is it to say "what's this?" As far as his SC pal, are you worried he's talking to other women or spammers?

[squarewheel6]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I’m sorry to hear this. Decide whether he’s lying or telling the truth and move on. It’ll hurt at first but you’ll be free to be with someone else who’s more devoted to the relationship or compatible with you. 

I do appreciate your writing and thank you. I know he has been lying and because I do love him and want to give him chances. 

[squarewheel6]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Badgering him about the same thing will get the same reply. It sounds like the relationship is difficult for you due to distance and distrust and in addition to his crypto pal, the underwear has you quite upset. Try to speak frankly and openly about what's really upsetting you such as the underwear. How hard is it to say "what's this?" As far as his SC pal, are you worried he's talking to other women or spammers?

I had an open talk with him yesterday, and expressed how hurt I am. I also told him that no one is happy in the relationship with their bf/gf flirts with someone else. I don't worry about spammer but other women. If he sees no value in me after I have done a lots for him, I need to let go for my own good. 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, squarewheel6 said:

If he sees no value in me after I have done a lots for him, I need to let go for my own good. 

Do you think you have overinvested? So you don't know about the underwear, but you told him it hurt you that he's chatting with this woman and his response was "it's nothing"?

[squarewheel6]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you think you have overinvested? So you don't know about the underwear, but you told him it hurt you that he's chatting with this woman and his response was "it's nothing"?

I don't think I have overinvested. I want my relationship in plain and simple way and  want it to be healthy. I didn't mention about the underwear because I believe it will be 'nothing' as he said to the female friend. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, squarewheel6 said:

I have the same wondering as well. Just so hard to guess, to be honest. 

Ok.

Well.

Now that you know what they are probably for it's time to make a decision.

Bottom line, if he is talking to someone else and it is crossing inappropriate boundaries and making you uncomfortable, tell him. You are in the midst of a slippery, downhill journey as he is already looking for someone new. Rather than let things deteriorate to the point of no return, it would be better for you to cut your losses and leave sooner.

There are so many other decent human beings that would not do this and that what he is doing is disrespectful to you. I wish you the best no matter what you decide. You matter.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[squarewheel6]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Ok.

Well.

Now that you know what they are probably for it's time to make a decision.

Bottom line, if he is talking to someone else and it is crossing inappropriate boundaries and making you uncomfortable, tell him. You are in the midst of a slippery, downhill journey as he is already looking for someone new. Rather than let things deteriorate to the point of no return, it would be better for you to cut your losses and leave sooner.

There are so many other decent human beings that would not do this and that what he is doing is disrespectful to you. I wish you the best no matter what you decide. You matter.

I do appreciate you taking time on writing here.

I have told home that I felt uncomfortable him talking to some female online. He said there were no flirting, intimacy conversations there but daily basically life. He mentioned that she only taught him on the Crypto currency thing and being just a normal friend. It has been same story when I caught him talking to other women online. I am exhausted with same story. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, squarewheel6 said:

I am exhausted with same story. 

Take a step back until you feel more clearheaded about this. What about taking a few days off to spend with friends and family? A little distance will help you prepare for some difficult decisions.

[squarewheel6]

15 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Take a step back until you feel more clearheaded about this. What about taking a few days off to spend with friends and family? A little distance will help you prepare for some difficult decisions.

That is what he and I are agree on. Maybe we both need a little time off from each other. He still texts me as he always does. 

[Alpacalia]

36 minutes ago, squarewheel6 said:

That is what he and I are agree on. Maybe we both need a little time off from each other. He still texts me as he always does. 

Yes, I think that would be a good idea for you. Try to reflect on whether you came into this relationship with your own trust issues. Obviously you checked his drawers for a reason. Whether his actions prompted that or if it was due to your own insecurities is for you to answer. If you had said that you found something upsetting about the lingerie and were curious what they were for, you might have nipped (possibly) the problem in the bud.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Rider on the Storm]

3 hours ago, squarewheel6 said:

I don't think I have overinvested. I want my relationship in plain and simple way and  want it to be healthy. I didn't mention about the underwear because I believe it will be 'nothing' as he said to the female friend. 

Which is completely understandable. Equally as concerning as the underwear is the fact that you know that he is talking with his cyber friend. If he valued and respected you the way that he should, this wouldn't be happening after 7 months. And if he is agreeing that "time off" is a good thing, that means that he isn't open to the changes that you are hoping for. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, squarewheel6 said:

That is what he and I are agree on. Maybe we both need a little time off from each other. He still texts me as he always does. 

Reflect if you are happy. It seems like you a bit fed up with things. Do not "take a break". It won't work as a tool to change his behavior. End it. 7 mos and feeling unheard and unappreciated is a good time to cut your losses.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[squarewheel6]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Reflect if you are happy. It seems like you a bit fed up with things. Do not "take a break". It won't work as a tool to change his behavior. End it. 7 mos and feeling unheard and unappreciated is a good time to cut your losses.

I have been fed up with things and slowly trying to cut unhappiness off. Thank you for your time writing here. I do appreciate every comments. 

 

29 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

Which is completely understandable. Equally as concerning as the underwear is the fact that you know that he is talking with his cyber friend. If he valued and respected you the way that he should, this wouldn't be happening after 7 months. And if he is agreeing that "time off" is a good thing, that means that he isn't open to the changes that you are hoping for. 

He also mentioned about having his own space since he moved to a house that he just bought in April. I have been driving back and forth between my place and his house over the weekend to help some little work (gardening, some cleaning, and helping each other set up the kitchen, unpacking). I admit that I go there every weekends, sometime during a week which depends on what we plan, like going to the football game. He said he wasn't used to have someone around much although he was happy that I am there. I think I shouldn't go to his house often as I used to. 

[Rider on the Storm]

8 minutes ago, squarewheel6 said:

He also mentioned about having his own space since he moved to a house that he just bought in April. I have been driving back and forth between my place and his house over the weekend to help some little work (gardening, some cleaning, and helping each other set up the kitchen, unpacking). I admit that I go there every weekends, sometime during a week which depends on what we plan, like going to the football game. He said he wasn't used to have someone around much although he was happy that I am there. I think I shouldn't go to his house often as I used to. 

Just to confirm, did he tell you that he needs his own space?

Since you are driving there every weekend and sometime during the week to assist him with household chores and unpacking, how often is he coming to your house to help you with similar things?

[squarewheel6]

12 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

Just to confirm, did he tell you that he needs his own space?

Since you are driving there every weekend and sometime during the week to assist him with household chores and unpacking, how often is he coming to your house to help you with similar things?

He just mentioned last two weeks about having his own space to do things by himself in his house. 

He doesn't come to my place because I have several roommates in the townhouse, so it is inconvenient. I prefer to go his place. 

If I need his help I will just let him know and he will find time to help. Since I live in the house that I have a landlord takes care of everything, I have no needs his help to fix or move things around. 

He is willing to come to drive and see me if we plan to do things together in Washington D.C, Alexandria area. 

Just wanted to be clear that he has two jobs, 1) his full time job, and 2) he has his painting job ( interior and exterior painting ) he spends time after work to paint the houses and mostly weekend. If I am at his house, he will finish is painting job early to spend time with me. He isn't bad on finding time to spend with me. 

Edited August 15, 2022 by squarewheel6

[S2B]

I would quit going to him altogether.

iF he intends to see you - HE can be the one to make the effort. Even if he doesn’t spend the night. You have no idea at this point if he will even make effort to come to you.

stop driving to him. 

[squarewheel6]

5 minutes ago, S2B said:

I would quit going to him altogether.

iF he intends to see you - HE can be the one to make the effort. Even if he doesn’t spend the night. You have no idea at this point if he will even make effort to come to you.

stop driving to him. 

I know it may sounds stupid to drive to see him and assist with working around the house. I have to admit that I enjoy helping him. 

[Rider on the Storm]

34 minutes ago, squarewheel6 said:

I know it may sounds stupid to drive to see him and assist with working around the house. I have to admit that I enjoy helping him. 

That, I can accept. The concern has more to do with you driving every weekend to see a guy who has lady garments in his drawer, is currently talking with another woman on the side, and who agrees that "time off" is needed when you confront him with your concerns.

If he truly liked and valued you, this wouldn't be happening.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, squarewheel6 said:

I have been driving back and forth between my place and his house over the weekend to help some little work (gardening, some cleaning, and helping each other set up the kitchen, unpacking). 

Yes, it would be best to discontinue this. You're not his wife and that's not dating. It's not your house. It's fine to visit him if your place is cramped, but you should be dating, not nesting. Acting like household help is unattractive.

[squarewheel6]

15 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

That, I can accept. The concern has more to do with you driving every weekend to see a guy who has lady garments in his drawer, is currently talking with another woman on the side, and who agrees that "time off" is needed when you confront him with your concerns.

If he truly liked and valued you, this wouldn't be happening.

This is opening up my eyes  and  makes me have been thinking a lots after reading your comment. I am recently exhausted because this is so true statement. Thank you. 

[squarewheel6]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, it would be best to discontinue this. You're not his wife and that's not dating. It's not your house. It's fine to visit him if your place is cramped, but you should be dating, not nesting. Acting like household help is unattractive.

I should have thinking about it deeper. All I have been doing because I just wanted to help since he was busy working two jobs. I know that I maybe doing so much until he feels uncomfortable

[S2B]

58 minutes ago, squarewheel6 said:

I know it may sounds stupid to drive to see him and assist with working around the house. I have to admit that I enjoy helping him. 

well - let’s just say you are making it super easy for him to make no effort to see you. He’s not invested because he doesn’t even have to try and make effort - it’s all on you.

[S2B]

How about if HE asks you OUT on a date that he makes plans for?

like the Zoo

a beach day

a concert by buying tickets

drive to you - has a dinner reservation 

plans a movie night out

anything but working around HIS house!

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, squarewheel6 said:

I should have thinking about it deeper. All I have been doing because I just wanted to help since he was busy working two jobs. I know that I maybe doing so much until he feels uncomfortable

Be a GF, not a hausfrau or play house. It doesn't matter how many he jobs he has or how much work/cleaning his house needs. It's not your house and everything you do  won't be recouped.

Don't waste you time being slave labor. Invest in yourself and your own life. Go to the gym or spa on weekends. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. End it and get on some dating apps.

He simply won't make time for you, yet because you're wasting your time performing free labor, he has free time to enjoy himself chatting with women and whatever else? Just end it.

[squarewheel6]

6 minutes ago, S2B said:

How about if HE asks you OUT on a date that he makes plans for?

like the Zoo

a beach day

a concert by buying tickets

drive to you - has a dinner reservation 

plans a movie night out

anything but working around HIS house!

He has asked me out and makes plans, last week we went to pre season football game, we did movies night out, dinner, Cornhole game that we both like. Only the beach that we have not done.