I found a new lingere set and thong hidded under his underwares in his drawer.

[squarewheel6]

11 minutes ago, S2B said:

well - let’s just say you are making it super easy for him to make no effort to see you. He’s not invested because he doesn’t even have to try and make effort - it’s all on you.

I have learned your points, and I have to say that it is on me to make things easier. It is just who I am no matter what kind of relationship I have, even with friends, I always want to make things easier for others. 

[Rider on the Storm]

13 minutes ago, squarewheel6 said:

He has asked me out and makes plans, last week we went to pre season football game, we did movies night out, dinner, Cornhole game that we both like. Only the beach that we have not done. 

Be that as it may, just remember that you are doing these things with a guy who has female undergarments in his drawer, someone who is actively talking with another woman online (at minimum), and who puts you on timeout the moment you raise concerns. Don't forget that.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[squarewheel6]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Be a GF, not a hausfrau or play house. It doesn't matter how many he jobs he has or how much work/cleaning his house needs. It's not your house and everything you do  won't be recouped.

Don't waste you time being slave labor. Invest in yourself and your own life. Go to the gym or spa on weekends. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. End it and get on some dating apps.

He simply won't make time for you, yet because you're wasting your time performing free labor, he has free time to enjoy himself chatting with women and whatever else? Just end it.

I don't know how to thank you for those comments and have been waking me up. 

To be honest,  I have done all what you have mentioned, I workout on my regular basis, I have been  studying, i have been out and about with all my friends, enjoy myself, shopping, dress up for girls night out. 

To be fair, he has mentioned that I don't need to do all the work but it is only me willing to help. I am trying to be a good GF, helping out when I can. That's all. 

After all the stuffs I have found and I am not really happy and it makes me feeling terrible and keep asking myself why? 

[squarewheel6]

12 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

Be that as it may, just remember that you are doing these things with a guy who has female undergarments in his drawer, someone who is actively talking with another woman online (at minimum), and who puts you on timeout the moment you raise concerns. Don't forget that.

You really make me cry with this statement and most of your comments. I really just don't know what to say. You all are just absolutely right. I am glad that I posted my concern here and ask for different opinions. 

[S2B]

Maybe read up on how NOT to be a doormat to anyone you date.

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, squarewheel6 said:

To be fair, he has mentioned that I don't need to do all the work but it is only me willing to help. I am trying to be a good GF, helping out when I can. That's all. 

After all the stuffs I have found and I am not really happy and it makes me feeling terrible and keep asking myself why? 

You can't "nice" your way into his heart.  He probably doesn't want that anyway and this other woman is probably the exact opposite.  He has you too afraid to ask the question you started this thread with about the lingerie set and thong.  What are you afraid of, losing him if you ask and he doesn't like it?

[Alpacalia]

Are you at the point now where you are ready to move on? 🙂

[squarewheel6]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Are you at the point now where you are ready to move on? 🙂

I am..

To be honest, all the comments here really help me to see things more. I am very grateful and appreciate it.

If he puts value on me, this situation won't ever happen over and over.  I have been losing weight, couldn't sleep, anxiety and unhappy. Time to focus on myself and my career. 

[squarewheel6]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You can't "nice" your way into his heart.  He probably doesn't want that anyway and this other woman is probably the exact opposite.  He has you too afraid to ask the question you started this thread with about the lingerie set and thong.  What are you afraid of, losing him if you ask and he doesn't like it?

 I was in a controlled freak relationship with my ex for over 10 years and when I got out, I had to build my confidence back slowly. That's the reason why I don't like asking people questions and when it comes to relationship I know that I need to speak up, at least for myself. I don't want to loose him. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, squarewheel6 said:

 I was in a controlled freak relationship with my ex for over 10 years and when I got out, I had to build my confidence back slowly. That's the reason why I don't like asking people questions and when it comes to relationship I know that I need to speak up, at least for myself. I don't want to loose him. 

I'm sorry you were abused in your last relationship and I'm sure you don't want to relive that experience.  Fortunately you don't live with this guy and he can't hold you captive because you can go home, so the truth at this point is you are afraid to lose him.  Do you think you can't get another man?  What will you do if he falls for this woman in FL and breaks up with you.  Have you guys talked about marriage and moving in together?

[squarewheel6]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry you were abused in your last relationship and I'm sure you don't want to relive that experience.  Fortunately you don't live with this guy and he can't hold you captive because you can go home, so the truth at this point is you are afraid to lose him.  Do you think you can't get another man?  What will you do if he falls for this woman in FL and breaks up with you.  Have you guys talked about marriage and moving in together?

Thank you.

He is just a person who has all I want in the relationship, not mention of his behaviors. Hi family are so close to each other and I also love his family, his daughter has a personality just liked me. 

If he falls for that woman I can't hold him back, just let go where he wants to be. 

 We haven't talked or discussed about marriage or moving in together ( I work in VA, and he works in MD)  Like I said in the first of my posted , we have been dating only 7 months. 

[S2B]

So when you want him to take you out next time - have HIM come and pick you up. Don’t always be so available.

my mother in law used to say “I let them chase me - until I catch them” 🤣

but she never tried being accommodating to me - she made sure they knew she was busy busy busy. 
 

he’s not so busy with two jobs that he doesn’t have time - heck, he’s got time to chat up other women! 
 

maje him wonder what you’ve been doing. Make him make effort for you!

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, squarewheel6 said:

If he falls for that woman I can't hold him back, just let go where he wants to be. 

This woman has a romantic relationship with him, so you are okay with it?

You've only invested 7 months of your life.

Are you interested in spending your precious time making more regrets or causing yourself more mental trauma? Don’t ignore red flags or lie to yourself about the truth of your relationship.

It's dead in the water.

Edited August 16, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

On 8/8/2022 at 11:26 AM, squarewheel6 said:

my bf and I have been dating for 7 months. Things seem to be fine, met his family and his 21 years old daughter a few times. Because we live an hour driving, we spend only weekend or long weekend together. 

Yes. 28 weeks dating is the time to reevaluate what's going on. He may be a nice guy, but you're overinvesting. 

Maybe you need a break from the roommates, but camping out at his place and of course worse, cleaning and fixing it, isn't the answer. The underwear and the online crypto pals are minor symptoms compared to playing house every weekend rather than dating.

You don't seem happy. On so many levels. Perhaps it's time to step back. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't seem happy.

It's apparent he isn't happy either with you always spending a lot of time at his house if he has said he wants his space to himself.  Maybe so he will have time to talk to his other woman or he feels you are getting too comfortable there.  I don't see him moving you in but you see a future with this guy.  Maybe moving in is not what you want but you have said you like being at his home.  Also how old are you both?  

Edited August 16, 2022 by stillafool

[squarewheel6]

9 hours ago, S2B said:

So when you want him to take you out next time - have HIM come and pick you up. Don’t always be so available.

my mother in law used to say “I let them chase me - until I catch them” 🤣

but she never tried being accommodating to me - she made sure they knew she was busy busy busy. 
 

he’s not so busy with two jobs that he doesn’t have time - heck, he’s got time to chat up other women! 
 

maje him wonder what you’ve been doing. Make him make effort for you!

I will keep that in mind, I do appreciate your comment. Maybe I just wanted to make things easier for him.

 

[squarewheel6]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

This woman has a romantic relationship with him, so you are okay with it?

You've only invested 7 months of your life.

Are you interested in spending your precious time making more regrets or causing yourself more mental trauma? Don’t ignore red flags or lie to yourself about the truth of your relationship.

It's dead in the water.

I have known that I sometimes I lie about my relationship to myself. I sometimes pretend to be happy with him but deep inside, I am crying. Although he will be a person who asks what is wrong if he see me unhappy.  When I asked the question, the answer is always the same til I am tired to question. I don't want to hear what makes me feel better, I just want to hear the truth. 

[squarewheel6]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. 28 weeks dating is the time to reevaluate what's going on. He may be a nice guy, but you're overinvesting. 

Maybe you need a break from the roommates, but camping out at his place and of course worse, cleaning and fixing it, isn't the answer. The underwear and the online crypto pals are minor symptoms compared to playing house every weekend rather than dating.

You don't seem happy. On so many levels. Perhaps it's time to step back. 

He always does his painting job on the weekend, so when I am at his house I need to find something to do, (going to the gym down the road at his house, studying on my certifications, and relaxing after that by doing little gardening). He comes home around 5-6 pm then we may go out or drink at home in the back porch which we both like to do. 

You are right that I am unhappy since I found out things. What he plans to do with me, i don't feel excited anymore like I used to. I think I have an answer for myself. I no longer pretend to be happy.

 

[squarewheel6]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It's apparent he isn't happy either with you always spending a lot of time at his house if he has said he wants his space to himself.  Maybe so he will have time to talk to his other woman or he feels you are getting too comfortable there.  I don't see him moving you in but you see a future with this guy.  Maybe moving in is not what you want but you have said you like being at his home.  Also how old are you both?  

He is 46, and I am 41. 

You are right that I spend so much time at his house since he moved to a new house that he bought in April. He just mentioned about wanting to have his own space two weeks ago and I do understand that. I need to step back and enjoy what I usually do before I met him.

 

 

[Rider on the Storm]

29 minutes ago, squarewheel6 said:

I have known that I sometimes I lie about my relationship to myself. I sometimes pretend to be happy with him but deep inside, I am crying. Although he will be a person who asks what is wrong if he see me unhappy.  When I asked the question, the answer is always the same til I am tired to question. I don't want to hear what makes me feel better, I just want to hear the truth. 

You are hearing the truth regardless of whether or not he is verbalizing all of it. You're finding women's undergarments in his drawer. He has admitted to talking with another woman online. He put you on timeout when you confronted him with your concerns. He told you that he doesn't want you at his house all the time (unless you're helping him to clean or unpack). 

You have enough truth that you should block him and move on immediately. If he loved you these things wouldn't be happening.

Edited August 16, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, squarewheel6 said:

He is 46, and I am 41. I spend so much time at his house since he moved to a new house that he bought in April. He just mentioned about wanting to have his own space two weeks ago and I do understand that. I need to step back and enjoy what I usually do before I met him.

Perhaps the place you are staying is too cramped with roommates? There's no reason to be at his house when he's not even there, not to mention cleaning, gardening etc. Yes, return to you activities that you had before.

[squarewheel6]

23 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

You are hearing the truth regardless of whether or not he is verbalizing all of it. You're finding women's undergarments in his drawer. He has admitted to talking with another woman online. He put you on timeout when you confronted him with your concerns. He told you that he doesn't want you at his house all the time (unless you're helping him to clean or unpack). 

You have enough truth that you should block him and move on immediately. If he loved you these things wouldn't be happening.

Every comments here really opens my eyes, I read and reread every messages that you all are telling me. I should have known better based on he have been doing/ treating me. 

He has never loved me, besides keeps saying how much he cares about me. I should have learned that if you care someone, this whole thing won't ever happened. 

I am only a person who truly cares about him and loves him. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, squarewheel6 said:

I have known that I sometimes I lie about my relationship to myself. I sometimes pretend to be happy with him but deep inside, I am crying. Although he will be a person who asks what is wrong if he see me unhappy.  When I asked the question, the answer is always the same til I am tired to question. I don't want to hear what makes me feel better, I just want to hear the truth. 

I am sorry to hear that.

My sincere hope is that you will find the strength to put an end to all of this. 

I wish you the best of luck.

[squarewheel6]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps the place you are staying is too cramped with roommates? There's no reason to be at his house when he's not even there, not to mention cleaning, gardening etc. Yes, return to you activities that you had before.

I live in a three bedroom, waterfront property, my two roommates are so nice. I just want to spend time with him, as  for this part, he thinks it is way too much till he asked for his space. I admit that I wasn't thinking better that every one wants their own space. 

I am getting back on my routine and find things to enjoy more since we had our last conversation on Sunday evening. It wasn't a great conversation at the beginning because we both got into a bad temper but at the end it got cool down. 

[squarewheel6]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

I am sorry to hear that.

My sincere hope is that you will find the strength to put an end to all of this. 

I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you so much for all your support, I really appreciate it.