Stuck in the middle? New wife and parents hate each other!

[AJS]

AJS, just out of curiosity, did moving help?? If you read my previous post, it is my husband vs. my parents and me, the wife in the middle, and we are moving out to the midwest from the east...Part of me feels horribly guilty about it, but I feel like I need to in order to "protect" my marriage...I mean, its up and down but when its down, its really down!!! I dont have any kids. I probably will in about 2 years or so...and I already feel bad that I will be "taking the grandchildren" away from them (even though they arent born yet!!) My friends say I am being silly feeling this guilty, but I feel distance will help the relationships in this case... Or else my folks will FOREVER treat me like I am 5 and I have been corrupted by big bad husband. Who knows?? We may move back in a couple years when we have kids (although I wont mention this to DH right now cause he'd kill me!)...

 

 

You know, it's probably the best thing you can do for your M and your relationship with your parents. Don't feel guilty, that's the 5 yr old in you talking! You have to enjoy YOUR life, it's about you now. They can't run the show forever. Maybe now they can put the focus on other things, other people even, and you will be happier I promise!

[ConfusedGal]

Thanks...

 

I hope thats true. FOr now, I am definitely nervous, and questioning whether its the right thing. I think I will be fine once I know I have a job in the bag. My husband is leaving in April (cause he got a promotion in his current company out there) and I will still be here until I find a job out there...Hopefully that will be sooner than later because I dont want to be separated from him too long... Yeah its totally my guilt messing things up... I mean, I am 27 and he 31 and have no kids. Its our time to explore life, not always worry about my parents (they are 53 and 61 so not that old...) I know its the right thing. I just have never done anything like this before so I am afraid..

[ConfusedGal]

"A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son 'till he takes a wife".

 

Annoys me... I am a daughter... I am married and have issues with my folks not liking my husband and making comments all the time. What does this quote mean??!

[Becoming]

You know that part in traditional marriage ceremonies taken from Genesis in the Bible that says we are to leave our mother and father and cleave unto our spouse? It's there for a reason.

 

What's happening to folks is emotional blackmail, as someone called it. It can also be emotional incest. You can amazon.com that book.

 

We all want things to be happy like they were in childhood as well as have our cake of a spouse, too. Grow up, people. Things change, and if your parents can't see or accept that, then you can and you'll have to insist on it or STAY AWAY. You say one thing, but then do exactly what they want--see you as their little child without the "offensive" spouse. Things are as they've always been. And YOU are the one who did it.

 

Personally, if I were married to someone who didn't stand up for me against his family, I wouldn't be married. My H was an adored only child for 10 years before his parents finally adopted another. They were too close, so that it was virtually impossible for my H to separate from them as is natural. This amounts to kind of subtle abuse.

 

If H hadn't moved 500 miles away the year before we married, we'd be having the same issues. But we don't because he made it clear to them that like it or not, our relationship is primary now. And we "cleaved" onto one another apart from our families. We had to.

 

There's always this underlying tension, but I can be with them for two days at a time now and enjoy visits.

[ehehef]

Hmm, I've been away from this thread too long, it seems!

 

I'm torn between confronting this issue head on (though I can't for the life of me see HOW without causing a huge rift between my wife and I or my parents and I) or letting things calm down and hoping everyone will mellow with time.

 

Choosing the second path, as I have been doing, has just caused the issue to simmer under the surface for me and probably my parents, who in more than one discussion (in raised tones) last week, accused me of 'inaction' and not doing anything to fix it.

 

This is EATING away at me.. on the one hand I don't want to fight with my wife but I want to talk to her, calmly and privately, without stressing her (she's at a stage where she has far more important things on her mind these days). I know if I avoid talking to her that this will fester and I might just explode at some point and find an excuse to leave - both her AND my parents. I'm the kind of person who avoids conflict, and doesn't like running away but I think this is what I have done in the past sometimes -- made excuses for myself to avoid dealing with issues.

 

I stand up for my wife in every fight or discussion with my parents (I admit they're less fights than discussion as time goes by, which might be a good sign, we all don't get as emotional as we used to), but it feels like banging my head against a brick wall and sometimes I can't help but see their side of things.

 

The whole issue for me is WHO IS RIGHT. Can this question be answered, or maybe it shouldn't be asked in the first place? I see my parents' view, I see my wife's view. And no matter what, I'm in the middle loving them all and wanting to have them all close.

 

I was raised in an environment where parents and children (me) got along like siblings -- and my folks are young at heart and sometimes 'cooler' than me (I've been told this by friends my age!), so there doesn't seem to be as much of a generation gap as much as with my wife's family or other people our age where I live.

 

Perhaps I'm dwelling on the issue too much, as much as I'm trying to be mature about it and accept it -- after all, life can't be the way we expect it, can it? I should be grateful to have parents who love me (though they obviously don't act grateful at seeing me once or twice a week and talking over the phone every day) and a wife who loves me but just doesn't seem to be the 'family person' I always imagined myself marrying.

 

Here's a question for everyone: what do you define as a 'family person'? Is wanting to spend time with parents AND a spouse in the same room, maybe going out for coffee or a dinner and sharing jokes, just the result of too much TV and not realistic? Why is my first thought 'hmm, maybe there was somebody else for me out there who would appreciate my family more?'.

 

I have NO indication from the past, or today from friends and relatives that my parents are SO difficult or strange that someone would not want any contact with them. My parents are amazed that my in-laws have not been polite enough to call them up on holidays -- obviously they've been influenced by their daughter.

 

There's a chance I may relocate to an entirely different country for work, and my gut feeling is that this issue should be resolved before I do, if possible. Otherwise we're just avoiding it. Or will the distance help?

[Kenyth]

Listen, I'm gonna give you a bit of advice. It's not a magic cure, but it should help you a bit. IT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! Of course your parents want you to fix it. Who want's to clean up a mess like this? Of course your wife want's you to make your parents bend. SHE want's the control in this relationship.

 

Calmly inform your parents that their relationship with your wife is THEIR responsibility and you'll no longer play the middle for them. They will argue, accuse and berate. So be well prepared to use the word "no" and refuse to discuss it further. The way they treat you probably infuriates your wife worse than anything else.

 

Now here's the other side. Tell you wife she'll no longer be telling you how to deal with your parents. You will defend her and refuse to include yourself in conversations trying to defame her, but your relationship with your parents is yours to decide how to handle, and that her relationship with them is HER responsibility. You'll no longer play the middle for her either. This won't endear you to her at all, but you need to establish the fact that you have some balls and boundaries.

 

This past Xmas, my parents infuriated me by throwing everything I had gained with my wife down the toilet by losing their temper and telling me I had better do something again. Did they have a right to be upset about something? Yes, but they got themselves into the predicament. Just because they don't have the stomach to handle it patiently and fix it isn't my fault. I threw in the towel. I told them I was done and that from here on in, THEY were responsible for their relationship with my wife. I refuse to intervene any longer. They squandered their last chance with me helping. If they didn't like it they can go to hell.

[ehehef]

Well, I had lunch with my father today and breached the subject by suggesting that I might want to visit them soon with my wife (let's call her X), to which he said that 'it's not a good idea' and that in short, he won't accept anything short of an apology from her for having offended him the last time they fought (this was over six months ago when my wife and father last saw each other).

 

In short he wants "a reassurance that it won't happen again" because he felt offended on more than one occasion from her, not just the last time they met.

 

As we parted ways today, things degenerated into a shouting match, where my father threatened that "if X does the same thing again, I won't be responsible for my actions!".

 

I know that X doesn't believe that she's in the wrong, not in the least. Me, I'm obviously in the middle seeing that some of my wife's comments/actions could be interpreted as offensive, but so can my fathers'. I feel like I'm the only one who is willing to put everything behind and make a fresh start (but without being an idiot and forgetting entirely what has happened).

 

So obviously the next step is to talk to X, which I'm dreading, for I may be accused of being insensitive and stirring up the mud at a stressful period in our lives when we've got a new house and work issues to also deal with.

 

My position is that I want everyone to give me a chance to be with them in the same room and at the smallest sign of misbehavement from either wife or parents, to put them in their place. Either way, the only one who can be the referee is me, and not having doine this until now has caused most of the problems, I strongly believe this and I want to correct it. But if nobody budges to allow contact, how can I have this chance? A vicious circle.

 

I've given time to both parents and wife to calm down and let their wants/needs (to get along and do things together, as I feel) come out on top, but this obviously hasn't happeend. But not dealing with this issue just makes me more and more depressed as time goes by. Our first wedding anniversary is just around the corner and I ask myself...

 

...can I handle spending the rest of my life this way?

[ehehef]

Ehehef, any advice to a guy who is potentially in a situation that could turn into something you're experiencing? How can I nip this in the bud before it gets worse? Anything you would have done differently that I could do now?

 

SparkyG, I'm in dire need of advice myself so I don't know how much I can help you, except to say that you should probably put your foot down as early as possible, I already regret not doing that.

 

The problem I think is that we swing from one viewpoint to another, or simply find it hard to TAKE A STAND and stick to our guns in one spot and one spot ONLY. Personally this has been my issue -- that I see where my wife is right, and where my father is right. Or at least, I think so because we're talking about issues which I had never thought about until they came up! So I say to you: try not to be easily iinfluenced, try not to get stuck in the middle more than you have to, and take a stand. If one side ends up loving you less, well that says something about them, doesn't it? And in the long run I think people will respect you for it...

 

Er.. not sure how much this helps, stand by for more input on this thread!

[Guest]

Make a choice - your marriage or your parents - which is more important to you?

 

Your parents have a marriage. Look at the way that they support each other. How they back each other up and how an offense to one is an offense to both.

 

Now look at your marriage. An offense to your wife is a problem because 'you don't know how to deal with it and don't want to let your parents down...blah blah blah..'

 

NO! An offense to your wife is an offense to you! Don't stand for it. If your father makes threats about your wife "i won't be responsible for my actions" then you stay away from him. If he can not be reasonable around your wife then you have a duty to protect her, and yourself, from him.

 

Grow up and cut the apron strings. this thread goes on forever and you haven't made any headway whatsoever.

 

MAKE. A CHOICE.

[Kenyth]

You're missing the point. THERE IS NO RAINBOWS AND ROSES SOLUTION! YOU CANNOT FIX THIS! You need to accept that. If they don't get along, they don't get along. You can't make this your responsibility. Perhaps family counseling or mitigation might help, but taking a referee role in their relationship problems is nothing but pissing on an electric fence. You'll find out for yourself. Your wife and children come FIRST! Even if you think they're being unreasonable. By all means visit your parents if you want, but REFUSE to discuss your wife! If he want's something in that department, he'll have to talk to her directly. That's HIS responsibility. If he want's to demand apologies and not see her, so be it. He'll have to live with the consequences of it. That includes seeing less of you. By trying to mitigate here you're enabling everyone and giving them reason to be mad at you. Quit while you're ahead man!

[ehehef]

Kenyth,

 

You've probably got a point there (nice imagery about the electric fence! *grin*) but as time goes by the more I feel that I'm sinking lower into a situation I never wanted and I could easily (relatively) walk away from.

 

What I mean is, I love my wife but I also feel that my parents might be difficult but certainly not as crazy or extreme as my wife paints them to be. I have friends and relatives and acquaintances who have always told me what nice, fun, good, interesting people my parents were, and it's surprising (and a bit disappointing) that my wife never had this opinion from day one, even before things got out of hand. Why, I don't know. I can only assume it's because of her strong character that 'sees through' people like my father who sometimes try too hard to please and have a bit of a 'showoff' streak, perhaps even a bit of a superiority streak. My logic says that getting along with my parents should NOT be a crteria for me to be with someone, but I can't help but feel we're wasting valuable 'family time' and the years could go by...

 

Nevertheless, I have yelled at everyone at some point that I give up, that I want someone ELSE to work on this, it's not just up to me. I feel the better person for wanting to put it all behind me and make a fresh start, despite what has happened. I can only hope that with time my parents and wife will come around and feel the same way.

 

In short, you're probably saying to me that I shouldn't waste time and energy digging to decide who is 'right', but put that energy into reminding everyone that they have to do their bit too.

 

The only problem with this is that although my parents might complain about the situation and feel bad about it (probably as bad or worse then me), my wife is perfectly content not having my parents in our lives.

[blind_otter]

Genesis 2:24

 

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

 

Leave and cleave, dude. My brother in law was disowned by his family for 10 years, because he married a woman of mixed race. They did eventually come around and accept her, and he was left feeling confident that he did the right thing, he protected his wife and his family, rather than trying to be the peace maker.

 

Your parents, if they did their job, should not insist upon you following their rules. Ostensibly, they should be confident in their job raising you to adulthood to trust that you are able to make your own decisions in life. There is no need for them to protect you any more.

 

Often parents get caught up in being parents, to the point that they cannot release their hold on their child once the child reaches adulthood. With disastrous consequenes for all involved -- they usually succeed in infantalizing their child, or alienating them.

 

Only you can decide what you need in your life and what is more important. But I think Genesis instructs us to cleave to your partner because that's who you have. You're supposed to be a team, now, and your wife probably feels like you're not cleaving to her, like you should.

 

you're still standing at the doorway of your parents house, with one foot inside the threshold, one foot outside the theshold, and your wife is standing far ahead of you, much further down the path. Eventually she may turn and keep walking, and you may still be standing in the threshold.

[slinkysu]

You need to grow up and make an adult choice.

 

Your wife and marriage or your parents.

 

It IS that simple.

 

Your parents ARE NOT your friends. they ARE NOT your siblings, as described in one of your initial posts. They are your parents. They raise you and let you go.

 

Look at the way that they are behaving during confrontation. they stick together! That is what you do with a marriage. An offence to one is an offence to both.

 

Now look at what you do! An offence to your wife is 'a problem as i don't want to let down my parents and i don't want to upset her......'

 

NO! An offence to her is an offence to you and you need to act like a man and make a stand.

 

Your parents will come round. If not, then they don't deserve to be part of your life, but making threats against your wife 'if i see her i won't be responsible for my actions' is NOT ACCEPTABLE!

 

Your father just threatened your wife and you continue to be wishy-washy in how to deal with it. Is that an acceptable way to treat the woman you are committed to spending the rest of your life with? Because if you think so then you have problems. big problems.

 

This thread started ages ago and so many people have been patient with their advice to you and it all reads the same. DO SOMETHING! But all you do do is respond explaining why you can't do anything. You can do anything you put your mind to -you are not powerless! You hold the solution in your own hands. Make a choice, live with the consequence.

 

make no choice, lose both.

 

At the end of the day your parents have each other. If you lose your wife you will still have your parents - but for how long? Time moves on and they will eventually pass on and you will be alone - for what? is that what they raised you for? Surely they raised you to live your life and have a family and continue on this cycle of life?

 

stop playing mediator and choose a side and stick to it.

 

And it IS as simple as that. You can dress it up with stories and examples, but the basic, fundamental answer to your problem is MAKE. A. CHOICE.

 

I'm sorry if this reads quite Simon Cowell-esque - but you really need to take responsibility for yourself and your life - for your own sake as well as that of your family.

 

Good luck and i hope it works out and congrats on your first wedding anniversary

[Kenyth]

By "Rainbows and Roses", I mean there is no pretty solution with a happy ending for everyone. So quit wasting time and alienating your wife looking for it. If you really want a divorce over this, then fine. That's your choice and god given right. Personally, I wouldn't want to tear down and rebuild my life constantly until it suited my parents, but that's your choice.

[SoleMate]

ehehef, you are making this way too complicated. I udnerstand that it is painful, but it is also very simple. Blind otter put it very nicely - if you want to have a marriage, "LEAVE AND CLEAVE".

 

Stop trying to figure out "who's right". Even the Supreme Court struggles with this - and they have written laws to guide them. You don't. I guess everyone in your situation just has their own set of unwritten laws, and nobody can calm down long enough to talk.

 

Let's assume, just for the sake of argument, that your parents are paragons of sweet reason, warmth and caring, and your wife is unreasonable and jealous. My advice is exactly the same! There is no such thing as a happy, lasting marriage where you put your parents ahead of your wife, or let them insult or shun her.

 

BTW...based on your own statements, I have to conclude that your parents doubtless have their good side and their good points, and they are also controlling, jealous, manipulative, harsh and unbending, and lacking in true warmth and caring, in regards to this issue.

 

You know, at least 20 posters have told you the EXACT SAME THING and you show minimal signs of getting it!

[ehehef]

"Leaving and Cleaving" all sounds very logical and sensible, but has anyone considered the repercussions? The biggest one of all is, of course, NOT BEING HAPPY.

 

As I've already said: I realize life throws situations at you that you can't predict, and you have to accept them sometimes. But I can't shake the mental image -- the EXPECTATION -- of what I wanted my marriage to be like. After all, it can only get more difficult when children come into the picture.

 

What I wanted might be a TV fantasy, but I was raised in such a close family that I believe that it's feasible: being with someone who would genuinely be glad to pick up the phone and hear her in-laws' voice, find one or two common things with them, enjoy having a coffee with them (with me of course) once in a while and the simplest of all: visit my parents with me for Sunday lunch or a dinner once every week or two. After all, we live in the same city!

 

What bothers me is that I have a gut feeling that even if this problem didn't exist, my wife is the type of person who doesn't go for the things above. After all, she doesn't believe in doing any of the above with HER parents (something I accept but don't like).

 

The CHOICE that everyone wants me to make has already been made -- nearly a year ago when I got married. Now, as time goes by and I deal with the consequences of my choice, I'm obviously not happy about it. And why? Because there is still no 'balance' -- everyone involved (my parents, and myself, and my wife) wants a different kind of balance with their own rules and are not happy with the current situation... yet they all pass the buck to ME to do something about it!

[slinkysu]

"Leaving and Cleaving" all sounds very logical and sensible, but has anyone considered the repercussions? The biggest one of all is, of course, NOT BEING HAPPY.

 

As I've already said: I realize life throws situations at you that you can't predict, and you have to accept them sometimes. But I can't shake the mental image -- the EXPECTATION -- of what I wanted my marriage to be like. After all, it can only get more difficult when children come into the picture.

 

What I wanted might be a TV fantasy, but I was raised in such a close family that I believe that it's feasible: being with someone who would genuinely be glad to pick up the phone and hear her in-laws' voice, find one or two common things with them, enjoy having a coffee with them (with me of course) once in a while and the simplest of all: visit my parents with me for Sunday lunch or a dinner once every week or two. After all, we live in the same city!

 

What bothers me is that I have a gut feeling that even if this problem didn't exist, my wife is the type of person who doesn't go for the things above. After all, she doesn't believe in doing any of the above with HER parents (something I accept but don't like).

 

The CHOICE that everyone wants me to make has already been made -- nearly a year ago when I got married. Now, as time goes by and I deal with the consequences of my choice, I'm obviously not happy about it. And why? Because there is still no 'balance' -- everyone involved (my parents, and myself, and my wife) wants a different kind of balance with their own rules and are not happy with the current situation... yet they all pass the buck to ME to do something about it!

 

From this post it is clear that you have made your choice and it is your parents over your wife.

 

You are expressing serious doubts about your wife and your compatability. You should talk to your wife about marriage counselling and tell her how you feel - that your parents must have an integral part part in your life and marriage and that keeping them happy is paramount to your happiness.

 

it is only fair to your wife for her to know where she stands. It will then be up to her as to whether she wishes to remain in a relationship where you put your parents and a very close-knit family life before her.

 

I do find it odd though that you have such a desire for so involved a family life as you are an only child - your extended family are your parents - what about her family? Do you envisage this same closeness with them?

 

Either way - your choice, as indicated from your own posts, is to acquiesce your parents needs and not your wife's. And to many on here that is an odd choice, but it is your choice to make and wish you good luck with your future.

[slinkysu]

Oh, and it still remains completely unacceptable that your father threatened her with his "if I see her I won't be responsible for my own actions" comment. It's your father for crying out loud! He is an adult and should be responsible for his actions and they shouldn't involve threatening your wife!

[blind_otter]

"Leaving and Cleaving" all sounds very logical and sensible, but has anyone considered the repercussions? The biggest one of all is, of course, NOT BEING HAPPY.

 

As I've already said: I realize life throws situations at you that you can't predict, and you have to accept them sometimes. But I can't shake the mental image -- the EXPECTATION -- of what I wanted my marriage to be like. After all, it can only get more difficult when children come into the picture.

 

What I wanted might be a TV fantasy, but I was raised in such a close family that I believe that it's feasible: being with someone who would genuinely be glad to pick up the phone and hear her in-laws' voice, find one or two common things with them, enjoy having a coffee with them (with me of course) once in a while and the simplest of all: visit my parents with me for Sunday lunch or a dinner once every week or two. After all, we live in the same city!

 

What bothers me is that I have a gut feeling that even if this problem didn't exist, my wife is the type of person who doesn't go for the things above. After all, she doesn't believe in doing any of the above with HER parents (something I accept but don't like).

 

The CHOICE that everyone wants me to make has already been made -- nearly a year ago when I got married. Now, as time goes by and I deal with the consequences of my choice, I'm obviously not happy about it. And why? Because there is still no 'balance' -- everyone involved (my parents, and myself, and my wife) wants a different kind of balance with their own rules and are not happy with the current situation... yet they all pass the buck to ME to do something about it!

 

 

Ok, you chose your parents. That's cool. They didn't write that in the bible for nothing, but hey. 2000 years of wisdom sure can be wrong.

[a4a]

You need to allow some mediation here. I would demand that all parties involved go to at least one session of mediation. Those that choose not to are choosing not to want to mend this. Thus making an obvious choice to leave the entire relationship circle.

 

Call Dr. Phil or something You cannot handle this on your own you are too much involved to actually see all the different sides of this problem.

 

Or gather the players and lock them in a room and tell them to work it out.

I don't think this is really about you but you are making it about you....this is a power struggle and control issue between them. So take the pawn out of the game which is you.

 

Does the situation kind of make you feel special in a way? ( I am not being cruel here I am asking a serious question)

[SoleMate]

What bothers me is that I have a gut feeling that even if this problem didn't exist, my wife is the type of person who doesn't go for the things above. After all, she doesn't believe in doing any of the above with HER parents (something I accept but don't like).

OK, how about asking your wife?

 

The CHOICE that everyone wants me to make has already been made -- nearly a year ago when I got married.

That was just one choice. You have ongoing choices about how to conduct your life.

 

Now, as time goes by and I deal with the consequences of my choice, I'm obviously not happy about it. And why? Because there is still no 'balance' -- everyone involved (my parents, and myself, and my wife) wants a different kind of balance with their own rules and are not happy with the current situation... yet they all pass the buck to ME to do something about it!

If you are taking personal responsibility for making everyone OK and happy with this situation, I can see why you are getting exhausted. Other people's happiness is really not your concern. I would go so far as to say that even your wife's happiness is primarily her job, and only secondarily yours. AND...some people may not WANT to be happy with the deal. Have you considered that?

 

What I wanted might be a TV fantasy, but I was raised in such a close family that I believe that it's feasible: being with someone who would genuinely be glad to pick up the phone and hear her in-laws' voice, find one or two common things with them, enjoy having a coffee with them (with me of course) once in a while and the simplest of all: visit my parents with me for Sunday lunch or a dinner once every week or two. After all, we live in the same city!

There's nothing wrong with that desire, and it is feasible for many people. Just not this particular group at this particular time. And...based on what you have said about how your parents have tried to break up your past relationships, I'm not sure that any woman you could have married would have gotten the permission to be close to you without knuckling under.

 

What is the history?

 

Did you ever have any close gfs that your parents accepted fully?

 

Did you ever try to have this family closeness with your gf and parents before you married?

 

How could you have missed something THIS BIG?

 

Also...it's great your family is close. It's clear that they are also manipulative, argumentative, and difficult in certain situations. I know MANY families and MANY individuals where the parents would have been mature enough (even if the younger generation wasn't) to bite their tongues and smooth things over, just for the sake of peace and family togetherness. My grandmother was surely one. She disapproved of my aunt by marriage, but she was not a feud-starter. She never issued ultimatums or made threats about "not being responsible for her actions". Everyone gave the appearance of getting along, and in many cases did truly get along and feel close.

 

Don't you see that your parrents "family closeness" and love is highly conditional on you remainign under their control? If they are so big on family closeness, love, togetherness, caring and sharing, then why don't they extend a sincere olive branch and patch things up...instead of issuing ugly threats? They could even be big enough to say "we're sorry" despite not being sure that they are 100% at fault.

 

Why on earth you can't smell the BS your parents are putting out for what it is, I will never understand.

[sumdude]

"Can't we all just get along?" asked Rodney King.

 

The short answer is "no effin' way!" If we all did there would be no wars or arguments.

 

I'm in a similar but not as bad or openly hostile situation. My sister hates my wife for whatever reason. Generally treats her like she doesn't exist or worse. My wife wants to aviod my sister as much as possible. There have been some other issues with my Mom who just passed away a few mopnths ago. Point is I drove myself crazy over all of this and evetnually came to the conclusion that for whatever reason some folks just can't get along. Whatever strange chemistry causes it I can't explain.

 

Lay off it all, let it go. If your wife doesn't want to see your folks and vice versa than let it be. Someone brings it all up just say "I'm not going to talk about that." and change the subject. Maybe over time things might change...or not. But don't kill yourself over it. Besides you might just be making things worse by hammering at it constantly.

 

Oh yeah and your dad with the threats? *SSHOLE!

[ehehef]

To answer everyone's last posts:

 

SoleMate: interesting points about the history, something I've thought about quite a bit. I only had one girlfriend in the past who got as close to my parents, and while they had negative things to say about her (you could say they contributed to help plant the seed of doubt in my mind a couple of years later), now they probably feel that she was a good person -- because each time she saw them or spoke to them it was all "Hello Mrs. X, Hello Mr. X, how are you? " and have interesting conversations with them. I tried to have this 'family closeness' with my parents and gifrlfriend before we got married, but even then it didn't happen. From day one they were amazed at how I was 'shutting them out' and avoiding their assistance in planning the engagement, wedding, etc. -- obviously an influence of my wife's since under any other circumstances I wouldn't have behaved like that, they know me too well.

 

I like the idea that keeping everyone happy shouldn't be my responsibility, because it IS exhausting. And after all, the only reason all this came up to the surface again after several months of peaceful living with my wife and peaceful visits and outings with my parents, is because THEY had fights with me about it last week, expressing their disappointment at my inaction and insisting that I haven't behaved properly to make my wife see the error of her ways....

 

SoleMate, you wrote:

"Don't you see that your parrents "family closeness" and love is highly conditional on you remainign under their control? If they are so big on family closeness, love, togetherness, caring and sharing, then why don't they extend a sincere olive branch and patch things up..."

 

An excellent point, and I really can't answer that. Perhaps all this isn't about having the closeness we've been used to, but about my parents (and we're talking about my father, really) wanting to stick their finger in our pie, to feel they're a part of our lives. I can't count the number of times my mother has said, "How we had wished we had a daughter-in-law we could talk to, call up, enjoy seeing, etc."...

 

a4a, I would love to lock everyone in a room and see what happens but even getting them together is beyond my power! You ask whether this makes me feel 'special', and the truth is that it doesn't -- my insisting on wanting a harmonious life with wife and parents (sort like creating an 'extended family' of sorts) is what makes me feel special, because I know people who aren't fortunate enough to have that chance.

 

blind_otter, I'd rather not get into religous discussions but I see your point. What I don't see is how I've chosen my parents when I am obviously married, living with my wife, loving and caring for her despite feeling that sometimes she's in the wrong (and I don't mean about this issue necessarily). Is my wondering about my parents' happiness an indication that I have chosen them in some way??

 

slinkysu, I HAVE envisaged a close famiily life with my wife's parents as well, and that would be an ideal thing for me -- for both families to be in touch, do things together on holidays, etc. The fact that my wife and I aren't as close with her parents is just something I've accepted on the basis of logic -- I don't think they love each other any less but they're very much distant from their children (my wife is one of 3 after all). But it's even more hurtful to see that my wife's sister (who will be getting married soon) is hitting it off with HER in-laws and both sets of parents often do things together, although they may have less in common than with my own parents! So every time I see any indication of the calm relations those two famlies have, it feels like a stab in the back. I get angry and think, "this should NOT have happened to ME!".

 

In short, could all this just be FEAR? Fear that I'm making the wrong move and might alienate two of the three people I love most in my life? Am I wondering too much whether there's some truth in my parents' complaints -- that it's my wife who disrespected and insulted THEM (not the other way around) and that SHE is the one who should extend the olive branch first?

[slinkysu]

To answer everyone's last posts:

 

 

slinkysu, But it's even more hurtful to see that my wife's sister (who will be getting married soon) is hitting it off with HER in-laws and both sets of parents often do things together, although they may have less in common than with my own parents! So every time I see any indication of the calm relations those two famlies have, it feels like a stab in the back. I get angry and think, "this should NOT have happened to ME!".

 

 

 

do her new ion-laws make violent threats towards her as well? I doubt it. I am sure they do get on but this is due to respect and giving freedom for people to live their lvies without being dogged by over bearing parents.

 

The more i consider this thread the more i am convinced that you are trolling.

 

Too many people have given you their time, consideration, thoughts and answers. Everyone says exactly the same thing and instead of being grateful that people are giving their time to your problems, you come on and drip feed more rubbish as to why we are all wrong and your wife is wrong and your parents feelings must come first etc etc.

 

Your wife must love you immensely to still be with you, because with your attitude towards her and this situation, she really deserves better than second place, or to have a husband who finds threats from his father towards his wife acceptable.

 

I'd urge others to walk away from this thread. People have given enough time and thought to your problems and you disrepect that by refusing to take any of it in and i think you love the attention of it all because you constantly drip feed more reasons to feel sorry for you.

 

Harsh, but fair, i feel.

[ehehef]

OK, slinkysu, point taken.

 

I'm going to give some serious thought as to whether all this is just me thinking and analyzing the situation more than is necessary.

 

Maybe a big THANK YOU has been long overdue to everone who has replied in here. I truly do appreciate and respect everyone's input, and not once have I disagreed with anyone! I have given fair consideration to everyone's opinion and I certainly do not feel that anyone is 'wrong'. I definitely cannot generalize and take a stand against the majority, for the majority may have a point. Isn't that what democracy is about? :-)

 

Believe me, if I could I wouldn't dwell on it so much. Perhaps I have way too much free time on my hands these days and I'm focusing on the wrong things.

 

Don't you see that this is all about INDECISION? I was never a person who stood up for anything in my life, at least not without so much resistance as I'm facing now from my own parents and wife!

 

I guess we can't sit on the fence forever...