Stuck in the middle? New wife and parents hate each other!

[ehehef]

...making it an 'ultimatum' will necessarily have the desired effect. Even though you feel that is what you are being given. To just make it as a 'Honey, I love you but....' statement would probably work better.

 

I think I have to fight my own impatience and just give things TIME... which is hard to do considering Xmas is just around the corner, and it will be hard... but then again, last year we had a similar issue when I had moved in with my fiancee in late October and my father and I were pretty much not talking for four months (I think we saw my mother at the holidays, but that's about it)...

 

If I relax a bit, perhaps the 'Honey I love you but..' will come out easier! :-)

[a4a]

Well I am still betting that if you give it time and make sure you put your wife first, and let her know that you put her first much of this will be resolved.

 

You seem to have found some peace of mind with your parents already, your wife has not (yet). That is ok. It will take her more time to lower her walls to them.

 

Don't threaten her. Put yourself in her shoes for one moment. ........ she has been disrespected, hurt, and devalued by your parents and by you from the start of this...... give her time....... reassure her, let her know that she is priority and that mistakes were made.

 

I realize your parents are not the easiest to get along with from your posts, but do you think you could talk to your mother and with her help start to rebuild a relationship between your wife and her? Its worth a shot!

 

a4a

[ehehef]

...do you think you could talk to your mother and with her help start to rebuild a relationship between your wife and her? Its worth a shot!4a

 

It might be possible, but not in the way my mother or perhaps even I would like.... this is how it was when we had problems with my father before the wedding... my mother used to come over for coffee and visit, make small talk for a bit with my wife, give us lots of little gifts to show that she wanted to be on good terms with us... but I think she felt that it was never RECIPROCATED by my wife, who in all honesty, probably didn't care then if she was on good terms with her mother-in-law or not. My wife then (as now) would probably prefer I had totally different parents.

 

Which is why I can't help but feel some small shred of doubt... doubt about having made the right decision. I can't help but feel that somewhere out there are women who are more 'family minded' and will make a strong effort to be on good terms with their families and in-laws, and will be GLAD to have an opportunity to spend time with them at special functions, holidays, etc... and will look to focus on the positive traits of their parents and in-laws, and generally treat them as if they are friends, not just strangers... in a nutshell, the way *I* have been with my own parents over the years, despite the fact that I'm now 31 years old!

 

My parents and wife started off on the wrong foot from day one (my father was overbearing and controlling, while she wouldn't have any of it) and things simply got worse, so I really don't know if they're salvageable. My wife is certain they are not. The only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that I love her and things between us are good, except for the issue with my parents. I don't think I was ever as independent with my parents as she is with hers, and this is costing us now.

 

As I already mentioned, I have other more important priorities in my life, so I shall focus on that and see how all this plays out -- after all, it's not only up to me to make things work, nor can I push anyone who might not be ready.

 

What to do with the holidays approaching?

[ehehef]

This little forum has become my little confessional, it seems!

 

I met my mother for a coffee today, and proved that we are on good terms but although we both agreed not to discuss it, we felt something was being left unsaid and of course it wasn't long before we got into the usual topic...

 

Although she used to be more flexible and not as negative as my father, she now claims she is 100% "on his side" and maintains that any problems they (my parents) have caused have been because they have tried to make me 'see' my wife's bad attitude and character -- this means objecting to me wanting to move out, threatening not to come to the wedding, and generally accusing HER of stirring up trouble each time they meet. They now want nothing to do with her, don't want her in their house and don't want to see her during holidays or special events. They think I'm making a mistake and that this relationship won't last.

 

Sounds like a cliche, doesn't it? I can't help but remember that each time they have told me a relationship won't work out, it usually didn't. Yet, no other woman in my life has come so close to them (it's not like I get married every day!).

 

I told my mother I respect ther opinion, though it makes me sad and upset, reminded her that I want to have the freedom and respect to make my own choice and mistakes (if that's what this is) and I made her realize that I had and still have lots of issues to sort out with my father -- especially how I stand up to him and put my foot down for something I want, instead of being 'soft' and easily/influenced convinced. I told her how I should have done more about this years ago, but now I'm changing, and when I met my wife 2 years ago she inspired me to try and correct this weakness. Mainly because no woman would want to be with a pushover, right? Nor do parents want to see their child be a puppet for someone else.

 

My mother agrees that I need to work on this, on having more 'pride' and 'self respect' and standing up to my father in the same way that I should have stood up to my wife when she snapped at my parents the last time we visited and say "Honey, this is between me and my folks, please don't get involved", instead of allowing her to speak for me and stand up for me, resulting in a fight between strangers (parents & wife) which can not be fixed.

 

So at least now my parents and I are on good terms and we know where we stand. I will either have to be able to live with having a good relationship with my parents and a SEPARATE good relationship with my wife, but never to mix the two. And live with the fact that both 'sides' feel they are right and have done nothing wrong. It's sad, frustrating and I don't know if I can handle it, but I would be stupid not to try.

 

Has anyone else had to make such a 'compromise' in their life? Is it too much to ask to want everyone to get along?

[lilmoma1973]

Reguardless of what your parents think of your relationship saying it won't last it is your life and they need to get over that!! You chose would you want to be with and they will have to deal with it!! My h dad is wanting to get back to talking but i hope it doesn't casue conflict between my h and i again!! My h parents are always trying to control what goes on in our house and i was sick of it!! They didn't like me cause i wasn't a mousy wife and i am head strong!! No one is going to walk all over me !! If your parents feel that way then tuff nuggys !! If they want to be like that enjoy your life with your wife they will see that you are strong and it will last and nothing they can do is going to break that !! Please stick by your wife!!

[hotgurl]

i remember your first post. Your relationship with your parents is too close.

 

The reason your relationships failed is because your parents wanted them to not because they knew something you didn't. I you have a chance in hell of making your marraige work you have to distance yourself for you parents and get ic to see why your are so co dependent.

 

If I remember correctly you were still living at home at 31 and your parents threw a fit when you moved out. basically anytime you tried to become a normal adult. It is unhealthy. and don't even think of having kids until this is worked out because it will make everything worse.

 

they will be telling you how to raise your kids critizing your wife etc...

[ehehef]

So if I have been TOO close to my parents over the years, and this is a big reason why they (or my father, at least) have reacted so badly to me wanting to become a normal adult, what is a 'normal' balance between parents and children when those children are living on their own and/or married?

 

Today for example I'll be visit my folks for the first time in 2 weeks since my wife & I visited last (and had that huge fight). I doubt there's much more I can discuss with them about this issue because I know where they stand -- and where they stand really saddens me, meaning that they'd probably prefer I wasn't married to this particular woman and that I will end up suffering for it.

 

Is their negative attitude out of concern for me "doing the right thing" (regardless of how old I am), or is it something worse -- selfishness on their part to want to keep me close to them and stay in denial as long as possible?

 

It's giong to be tough to say "I don't want to talk about it", because I'm a person who naturally talks a lot (and often reveals more than I should), but I guess I'll have to...

 

Isn't that the best way?

 

Has anyone else felt like they somehow want their parents' agreement and support (let's not say 'approval') for the choices they have made in their life? When my parents and I have agreed on so many things and have had so much of the same principles most of my life (we have been almost as good friends, not just parents/son), all this just seems like too much to handle...

[littlekitty]

So if I have been TOO close to my parents over the years, and this is a big reason why they (or my father, at least) have reacted so badly to me wanting to become a normal adult, what is a 'normal' balance between parents and children when those children are living on their own and/or married?

 

Today for example I'll be visit my folks for the first time in 2 weeks since my wife & I visited last (and had that huge fight). I doubt there's much more I can discuss with them about this issue because I know where they stand -- and where they stand really saddens me, meaning that they'd probably prefer I wasn't married to this particular woman and that I will end up suffering for it.

 

Is their negative attitude out of concern for me "doing the right thing" (regardless of how old I am), or is it something worse -- selfishness on their part to want to keep me close to them and stay in denial as long as possible?

 

It's giong to be tough to say "I don't want to talk about it", because I'm a person who naturally talks a lot (and often reveals more than I should), but I guess I'll have to...

 

Isn't that the best way?

 

Has anyone else felt like they somehow want their parents' agreement and support (let's not say 'approval') for the choices they have made in their life? When my parents and I have agreed on so many things and have had so much of the same principles most of my life (we have been almost as good friends, not just parents/son), all this just seems like too much to handle...

 

We all want our parents approval on our life! It's natural.

 

I agree with the posters that say you are too close to your family. I am very very close to mine. We speak a few times a week and I always pop in when I'm going past, even if it's just for 10 minutes. However, they leave me to lead my own life, make my own choices, and will always be there to pick up the pieces should it all go wrong.

 

They will advise when asked, but never force their opinion on me, or try to make me take a certain path. A good parent allows their child to make thier own decisions and learn by their mistakes. While we don't wish to see our children fail... it is necessary for thier development and learning to do this.

 

Normal is to support you, be there for you and want the best for you. It is not normal to force your child to take the path you want. I think you need to start trying to recognise that your parental relationship is different and is a large part of the issue.

 

Keep going.. and chin up! It's great that you are working through this in your self and trying to find the right path to take.

[lilmoma1973]

 

It is ok to have a relationship with your parents but you need to see where your wife is coming from your parents treated her badly and you want her to make admends with them .. I think they her a apology and if they can't then i don't blame her for not wanting to have anything with them!!! Please don't let your parents ruin what you have with your wife and eventually they will learn that you are going to have tobe with her with or without them and they are just going to have to learn to accept it or be without you two!! They don't have control over you anymore you are a grown man you don't need your parents approval to tell you who to be with!!! Good luck

[hotgurl]

So if I have been TOO close to my parents over the years, and this is a big reason why they (or my father, at least) have reacted so badly to me wanting to become a normal adult, what is a 'normal' balance between parents and children when those children are living on their own and/or married?

 

Today for example I'll be visit my folks for the first time in 2 weeks since my wife & I visited last (and had that huge fight). I doubt there's much more I can discuss with them about this issue because I know where they stand -- and where they stand really saddens me, meaning that they'd probably prefer I wasn't married to this particular woman and that I will end up suffering for it.

 

Is their negative attitude out of concern for me "doing the right thing" (regardless of how old I am), or is it something worse -- selfishness on their part to want to keep me close to them and stay in denial as long as possible?

 

It's giong to be tough to say "I don't want to talk about it", because I'm a person who naturally talks a lot (and often reveals more than I should), but I guess I'll have to...

 

Isn't that the best way?

 

Has anyone else felt like they somehow want their parents' agreement and support (let's not say 'approval') for the choices they have made in their life? When my parents and I have agreed on so many things and have had so much of the same principles most of my life (we have been almost as good friends, not just parents/son), all this just seems like too much to handle...

 

I don't think they'd like anyone you choose to marry because she would be taking you away from them.

 

That's the problem.

 

I am an only child and I have this with my mom to a certain extent but not as much. I am bying a house with my bf a hour away. she is livid. Even though it would be better for me and my family. I can she find negative things to say about every time I see her.

 

And negative things to say about my bf. And it's because we are movings away ans she is sad. and scared but it is easier for her to be negative to to admit that

[lilmoma1973]

I don't think they'd like anyone you choose to marry because she would be taking you away from them.

 

That's the problem.

 

I am an only child and I have this with my mom to a certain extent but not as much. I am bying a house with my bf a hour away. she is livid. Even though it would be better for me and my family. I can she find negative things to say about every time I see her.

 

And negative things to say about my bf. And it's because we are movings away ans she is sad. and scared but it is easier for her to be negative to to admit that

 

Totally agree they just can't let go and make a family they want you to themselves and that is selfish!!!

[ehehef]

Well, I visited my parents yesterday and it's as if we had an unspoken agreement not to talk about the issue with my wife, and so the 3 of us had coffee/dinner, joked and laughed and generally enjoyed seeing each other, quite honestly and without pretention. They were glad to see me, and I actually enjoyed spending time with them, and I went home (to my wife) in a good mood.

 

However, she just couldn't comprehend how we could act as if nothing has happened... she claims that "no normal family would act like this" after having a huge fight and throwing us out a couple of weeks ago. I kind of see that, but I also explained that my parents and I have been doing this for years -- putting our troubles to the side so that we can enjoy each other's company. It's as if our desire to get along is stronger than our desire to resolve a problem. Does this sound so strange?

 

Most importantly, she asked a very good question:

"What's to stop them from causing trouble again?"

 

It's a good point, and it got me thinking. Sure, I could be on good terms with my parents now, and they and my wife would be on no terms whatsoever, but I'm sure that when something new comes up (like the holidays, or us having children in the future), they might find another opportunity to interfere in our lives. So what can I do to stop them? How do I know that the situation today is a 'new balance' and not just my parents and I reverting to the relationship we had in the past?

 

Also, my father upset me with one simple statement that he made in the car as he drove me home: "there's no hope for THAT issue, don't even try, your mother and I have given up". Which sounds exactly like my wife: there's absolutely no chance now that things between them will ever be resolved.

 

Can I live with this? I honestly don't know, and only time will tell.

 

Logic says that whether someone gets along with our parents is NOT a criteria for being with them. But what if your parents (ie: your family, regardless of whether you're married or not) is very important to you? My wife claims my parents and I were never close: close means the parents loving their children and giving them room to make their own choices and mistakes. True, but I just can't ignore the feeling of love and warmth that I get from my parents when I see them on my own -- and I cannot believe that it is false.

[hotgurl]

 

However, she just couldn't comprehend how we could act as if nothing has happened... she claims that "no normal family would act like this" after having a huge fight and throwing us out a couple of weeks ago. I kind of see that, but I also explained that my parents and I have been doing this for years -- putting our troubles to the side so that we can enjoy each other's company. It's as if our desire to get along is stronger than our desire to resolve a problem. Does this sound so strange?

 

yes it is strange and dysfnyctional. people don't and can't just push things aside. Your parents never gave you the skills to sucessful resovle problems and this will effect your marriage.

 

 

and what's worse is you don't even reconize this as a problem you think it's normal and ok. it not go to a therapist.

 

they will cause trouble down the line you can bet on it. so do something about it now instead of putting blinders on.

[a4a]

No it is not good to set things aside! It is obvious you are in a tough spot again..... however stop and think. Who is being the parent and child in this case? This is not about them not liking your wife this is about control issues with you, probably even jealousy that you have another person you care about. Of course't they don't want to deal with that....they would have to face some serious issues that they have.

 

do a google on Parents and emotional seduction....it may help.

 

You need this resolved, if your parents choose to not resolve it you have no choice but not to incude them in on your solution.

This is pitiful! I feel for you but at the same time you need to make a stand! I see your wifes point of view.... It your parents act like this, what habits and poor relationship skills will your children pick up from being around them?

 

sheeesh........... gotta tell your parents to GROW UP!

 

a4a

[ehehef]

I suspected my parents (and my) behaviour is a bit dysfynctional... we have sort of been living in an illusion over the years with my parents having serious problems between themselves and trying to avoid them by being overprotective of me and using me as an "emotional crutch".

 

What if the way we joke and act with each other between us is the same way that 3 close friends would do? They don't really tell me their personal stuff (I guess I make the mistake of telling them mine) so couldn't from that point of view be considered somewhat normal? Just playing devil's advocate here...

 

Let's say I agree and I want and I have to deal with this NOW. But the question is: HOW?

 

My parents and wife have expressed very clearly that they want nothing to do with each other, and it seems all I can do is accept this and learn to live with it. So long as there is no contact between them, there's no opportunity for anyone to 'explode' and so things should be ok. Isn't this one way of dealing with the situation?

 

Perhaps I need to work more on ME: and whenever I speak to my parents and they express an opinion different from mine, I shouldn't let myself be influenced. In other words, as my wife says, I should be more OBJECTIVE with them. Parents are people, and certainly not infallible.... I have to break out of the bad habit of seriously considering their thoughts and opinions about things and being a little bit more 'distant' (in a good way) from them.

 

hotgurl, how are YOU dealing with your mother? I wouldn't mind seeing a therapist (I did this last year before getting married, in order to get strength to stand up to my father and not give in to his crazy threats) but at the moment I'm looking for work and economically, it's just not an option.

 

My wife is definitely not calm about the whole issue... when given the chance she explodes and threatens me to "not waste her time" and hints that all these problems have set back her plans in life (ie: get married and have kids right away before the age of 35, since she is 32 now). When I returned home the other day I brought some leftover food from my mother to snack on, which my wife refused to touch. I got bugged and asked her, "if it was something you like, would you touch it?" and she said, "no", which just set me off since I realized she wouldn't get near it with a ten-foot pole since my mother had made it. Just yesterday, as I am planning an important overseas trip for a few days, about which I'm very excited and would normally get on the phone right away to share the excitement with my parents (they love hearing about travelling), my wife told me she would prefer I didn't tell them anything until the last minute, in case one of them decides to impose themselves on me and come along with me on the trip!

 

I can see the logic in all this, but my first reaction when my wife behaves this way is to snap at her that they are MY parents, what I do with them is MY business, and she should stay out of it! But then her response would be that she does exactly that -- except when their interference affects HER life too.

[Outcast]

Really, you need to grow up. I mean it. You badly need, IMHO, to see a therapist who will help you turn into an independent adult. You are THIRTY ONE YEARS OLD for pete's sakes!

 

and maintains that any problems they (my parents) have caused have been because they have tried to make me 'see' my wife's bad attitude and character --

 

Well now isn't this lovely? No wonder she's ticked. How dare they?

 

what is a 'normal' balance between parents and children when those children are living on their own and/or married?

 

The parents allow the children to make their own choices and support them in what they do. They are not in each other's pockets every day.

 

Has anyone else felt like they somehow want their parents' agreement and support (let's not say 'approval') for the choices they have made in their life?

 

No. I was pleased I had it, but IMHO it's parents' job to approve of you. If they don't - oh well. They did what they were supposed to do; train and teach me to make up my own mind. I clearly remember my dad telling my mom when I was 13 that I knew what I was doing when I wanted to go spend an evening with my friends. Given her way, my mom would have clung to me just as your parents do you but I was having none of it.

 

Doesn't mean I didn't see her or talk to her, but she was not welcome to criticize my decisions.

 

Normal is to support you, be there for you and want the best for you. It is not normal to force your child to take the path you want

 

Exactly. And it's not normal to so badly want your parents' approval that you're willing to even consider throwing your wife under the bus (as Dr. Phil so eloquently puts it).

 

But what if your parents (ie: your family, regardless of whether you're married or not) is very important to you?

 

There's 'very important' and there's 'too important' and it seems you're in the latter bin.

 

close means the parents loving their children and giving them room to make their own choices and mistakes.

 

Exactly.

 

True, but I just can't ignore the feeling of love and warmth that I get from my parents when I see them on my own -- and I cannot believe that it is false.

 

Look, you feel warm and loving feelings when your dog does your bidding and your dog gets those feelings. Doesn't mean that that's the sort of relationship you should have with parents. You are far, far too addicted to their approval. It's actually a little creepy to me.

 

My parents and wife have expressed very clearly that they want nothing to do with each other, and it seems all I can do is accept this and learn to live with it. So long as there is no contact between them, there's no opportunity for anyone to 'explode' and so things should be ok. Isn't this one way of dealing with the situation?

 

A very intelligent way to deal would be to drag the lot of them to family counselling - or on the Dr. Phil show.

 

Perhaps I need to work more on ME: and whenever I speak to my parents and they express an opinion different from mine, I shouldn't let myself be influenced.

 

Do you not want to be a man? Do you not have an ideal of what a man should be that you want to live up to? Do you have no aspirations to being a fully functioning adult? Because it sounds like you don't want to leave the cosy shelter of your mommy's lap (figuratively). You sound like you're terrified of life and unwilling to get out into it. I'm an only child and I'm the exact opposite but I know another only child who is also way too stuck on parents.

 

It is unhealthy.

 

Parents are people, and certainly not infallible....

 

When you're a little kid, you can think them infallible. However you should have come to the realization in your teens that they are mere mortals.

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow I don't know how I missed this post, but I have now read every single word through the whole thread - and am ready to chime in.

 

Ehehef - you have a dysfunctional relationship with your family. That is the fact. Your parents are overbearing and controlling. They have raised you to constantly seek their approval and expect you to respond in a manner they deem appropriate to whatever they say.

 

How do I know this? Because I grew up in the same situation. The only difference is that I was rebellious and basically hid everything from them since I felt "what mommy doesn't know won't hurt me."

 

Therefore my reaction was to walk away at times, whereas your reaction seems to be to put on a happy face and keep pretending.

 

The result of my total and continuous rebellion was that my mother beat the crap out of me for years to try to get me to bend = my reaction was to walk away at times, whereas your reaction seems to be to put on a happy face and keep pretending.

 

Reality is that you can never solve a problem by ignoring it and hoping it will go away. You MUST confront the problem by discussing it, putting your foot down and taking a stand. You cannot continue to buy into your parents's philosophy that if we ignore it it isn't there.

 

My belief is that you have to start with your parents. No threats, no ultimatums, just the facts. The facts are that you have chosen this woman as your wife and to share your life with her. She is now your family and must be treated as such. You need to tell them that it is painful to you that they have alienated her so badly and put their relationship with you at risk.

 

You need to tell them that if they wish to continue a good relationship with you, then they must make her comfortable in their presence. Tell them you will be bringing her with you to family functions and holiday gatherings and you will walk out with her if they start another episode such as a few weeks ago.

 

You NEED to understand this is THEIR choice not yours. They are adults and can choose to act in a cordial manner to your wife. If they wish to pretend that she doesn't exist, or treat her shabbily - then it is THEIR choice to damage their relationship with you.

 

I know this will be a very scary discussion for you to have with them. You will be sweating bullets throughout - but I promise in the end you will feel liberated having said it and having stood your ground.

 

Once you have made this very clear to your parents, you then need to discuss it with your wife. You need to tell her that on a go forward basis you are on her side, but she needs to meet you part way. Ask her to simply give them a chance to change their ways. Commit to her that should they start any of the stuff they have pulled in the past, you will simply get up and walk out of the door.

 

From what you have said, I am fairly confident the discussion with your wife will be the more difficult of the two. And she may take more than one conversation and some time to actually get her to agree. The key here is that you will need her support in this - you need to know that she will be on your side should your parents make the wrong choices and force you to make a break.

 

You also need to understand that you may actually have to act upon your promised reaction - both your parents and your wife will probably test you. Just do exactly what you said you will, get up and walk out. No hysteria, no raised voices, just leave.

 

The reality is that your parents WILL realize that if they want to be a part of YOUR life (and ultimately your childrens' lives), they will have to learn to behave themselves with your wife. If they cannot - tell them it is their choice and that you regret it, but guess you will have to live with it - and WALK AWAY.

 

Conversely your wife will have to realize that although you will be taking a stronger stand, your parents are still important to you - and there are times she will have to suck it up.

 

Again you may ask how do I KNOW these things? I promise I've been there and continue to have to reinforce these realities to this day. It took me years to take a stand with my family - and I did not have a spouse to support me! Now I have a wonderful b/f - who will probably (G-d willing) become my husband someday and my parents do not approve of him. They actually said that they want to be at my wedding, but if I marry him they won't be. My answer was - well that's your choice, not mine.

 

My mother called the next day to say they didn't mean it.

 

I know this was long, but I assure you it was heartfelt - please feel free to PM me if you would like to discuss privately. I am feeling your pain/issues/knots in your belly, etc.

[ehehef]

Just writing about this topic usually gets me down, as does discussing it with my wife, like we did last night and spoiled our mood for a couple of hours, generally leaving us feeling upset, angry and disappointed at the situation.

 

She was ADAMANT about never wanting anything to do with my parents, never letting them into her house and generally writing them out of her life, that's how strongly she feels about this. The conversation started with her saying "how could they DARE to call this house?" (they had just called to talk to me) and her bringing up something she has mentioned before -- possibly going to a lawyer and signing an agreement between us (sort of like a will) that if anything should happen to her or me, my parents would have no legal claim to her assets (unlike me, she owns a couple of properties and assets which are in her name). My initial reaction was that she is exaggerating, because I reminded her again that I want to do something to FIX the situation, and we shouldn't have to reach that point, but she reminded me, "you've been doing that since we met, with no luck". To which I responded, "I HAVE to, otherwise our marriage is in jeopardy, and I might have had this problem with my parents regardless of whether I met you or someone else in my life"...

 

You need to tell them that it is painful to you that they have alienated her so badly and put their relationship with you at risk.

You NEED to understand this is THEIR choice not yours. They are adults and can choose to act in a cordial manner to your wife. If they wish to pretend that she doesn't exist, or treat her shabbily - then it is THEIR choice to damage their relationship with you.

 

Yes, I think I do understand that it's their choice, but right now I'm fighting my usual 'habit'... to simply talk to them each day as if nothing is happening, and to visit them once or twice a week to joke and generally enjoy each other's company, WITHOUT discussing this topic. I know they feel just as strongly as my wife, and they want nothing to do with her in the future. In other words, why is it so HARD for me to put my foot down with them and make them 'see' they have behaved badly? This is apparently what I have been doing for the past 2 years since meeting my wife -- giving in to them in order to keep them happy and be on good terms, at the expense of my relationship with my wife.

 

My wife feels upset that I still harbour some hope that the situation can be fixed, when it's obviously too late for her, too much has happened already, and to her my parents have crossed the line far too many times. If this is true, why should I ask/demand of them to accept her in order for my relationship with them to be OK?

 

Perhaps it's already too late and although I'm capable of letting bygones be bygones and making an effort and trying to get everyone together at Christmas and other 'family' functions, perhaps I just shouldn't bother. After all, it's not up to me only...

 

I'm fighting urges to just flee and start from scratch. In a few days I'm travelling overseas (to London, UK) where I have a good chance of landing a job and changing my life fundamentally, with possibly my wife being with me and my parents in another country... this might make it even harder to resolve these issues we have before circumstances separate us.

 

Perhaps I'm thinking about all this TOO much and it's wearing us out when we have other issues to deal with. After 'making up' with my wife last night I told her quite honestly, "I'm sorry, I know this is exhausting us... I'm sorry I react badly to the things you say instead of taking them as an indication of how upset and frustrated and fed up you feel with the situation".

[Outcast]

why is it so HARD for me to put my foot down with them and make them 'see' they have behaved badly

 

Once again, because you have an abnormal need for parental approval.

[hotgurl]

Yes, I think I do understand that it's their choice, but right now I'm fighting my usual 'habit'... to simply talk to them each day as if nothing is happening, and to visit them once or twice a week to joke and generally enjoy each other's company, WITHOUT discussing this topic.

 

 

everytime you do this your telling them through your actions how your treating your wife is ok. stop it stop keeping the peace. not every thing is going to be wrapped up in this neat little box.

 

you are married now your relationship with your wife is the primary one all others are secondary.

 

take the job in Europe you need to distance yourself from your parents to be able to grow up and become a man.

[ehehef]

Well I'm tired of this, and although I think some ideas have to 'ripen' in your mind before being turned into actions, I think I'm ready to face my parents this weekend and sit them down and talk about this CALMLY without arguments (if we manage to do that)...

 

I was out of town this week and even over the phone with my wife she 'boiled over' with my actions.... saying that the fact that I bought a gift for my father (it's his birthday) or accepting my mother's offer to pick me up from the airport (my wife works during the day and couldn't do that) is simply me pretending that nothing is happening and avoiding the issue. She's probably right, I have to make a stand.

 

I told her, "Don't worry, I intend to confront this issue quite directly, leave it up to me, try not to worry about it, it's really between them and me, not you". I don't know if I reassured her but...as they say.... actions speak louder than words!

 

I can see it now - it'll probably turn into a shouting match and my parents will throw me out and won't speak to me for days. Is that what I have to put up with in order to fix this? To make sure we all know our 'boundaries'? To make them understand that I deserve and demand some RESPECT for my choices in life?

[curiousnycgirl]

Do your very best not to raise your voice. They may shout but you remain calm. Show them that you will not sink to their level.

 

If they throw you out of the house, tell them (very calmly) you are very sorry that they have made this decision. Tell them that their decision to not have a relationship with your wife is also their decision not to have one with YOU. Finally advise them should they change their minds, they know how to reach you. The choice is THEIRS. And walk out.

 

This will be very hard, but very liberating. Be ready for them to test you really badly. They will not believe that you will not cave on this and you CANNOT cave in. You CANNOT call them. Prepare yourself for a very long silence!

 

In the end they WILL call, it may take days, weeks or even months - but they will call. At that point if they are willing to be civil with your wife, then open the door - let them in. If they try to ignore the whole thing - tell them that unfortunately they are still choosing to stay away.

 

I promise in the end it will be a FAR better relationship for you and your whole family.

 

Good Luck!

[Kenyth]

I am in nearly the exact same position as you, only now the heated moments have passed and the cold war begun. I'm going to be brutally honest with you. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. There is no good solution that will please everyone. Someone will be mad at you, probably both sides because neither will be happy with the way you handle the situation. Ideally, both sides would allow you to have a relationship with the other and not molest that. It will probably not be that easy. You are a part of your wife's life. If your parents are a part of your life, it is impossible for them not to affect her life. You will be absent during certain times to visit them, probably during holidays, and she will be keenly aware of it. There is no good solution because you are powerless to make their relationship better. You will always be in the middle and both will always expect you to stand up for them. You are in for a rough ride and all you can do is steele yourself for it and buy a helmet.

 

My advice? Stand up for your wife primarily. Let your parents know that any bad blood will have to be rectified by them and your wife. You refuse to referee or make judgement against your wife, period. You will also hold her needs first. They put themselves in an exceedingly uncomfortable situation, and they will have to see themselves out of it by whatever means necessary. If they're not willing to do whatever is necessary, they will suffer the consequences without your sympathy. This will likely lead to a very bad relationship between you and your parents. (Disloyal and disowned is what happened to me. So be prepared.) Your past closeness will be unrecoverable. This is the price you will pay. Make sure your wife is aware of it, and that it pains you deeply. There is nothing else to be done if you wish to remain married.

 

At the same time, do not let your wife rule you completely either. She must know that you intend to remain in contact with them if possible for the rest of their lives. They may not get along, but they are still your parents. If your wife loves you and cares about you at all, she will not demand you disown them. Though you should love your wife and meet her needs as best as you can, you don't have to completely destroy your life for her. I am concerned she has as tight a grip on your balls as your parents do. This isn't healthy either. You are your own person. What you do for others is by YOUR leave and NOBODY else's. If she want's you to make sacrifices for her, she had better act deserving and show some measure of gratitude. Your life, devotion, and love is not her birthright, it's your gift.

 

 

All that is easy to say, but much harder to live through. Your only other option is to divorce and start over. This is also your right and choice. If you are seriously considering this DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN! It will only make things more difficult.

[lilmoma1973]

 

My h made a point by not coming around his parents for a yr till a couple months ago his parents seen that we didn't need their approval for us to be together and either they except it or do without us and they woke up and i think his dad has changed a little we went to Thanksgiving and they seem a little different just hope h don't go back to his old ways and will stand beside me when they are bashing me again !!! Good luck

[Kenyth]

I feel I must further comment. DON'T let yourself get caught up as a referee in this! You never know what's really been said or done, so don't listen to it. I've heard it all with supposed good intentions.

 

An example. My mother wanted to have us over on Xmas eve. I told her she would have to talk to and convince my wife. Though angry, she agreed to sweet talk my wife. "Wow!", I thought, "This could be another beginning!"

 

Anyhow, her "Sweet talking" consisted of asking my wife, "So, what are you doing Xmas eve?". To which my wife replied that we were going to a party. My mother say's flatly, "So, you're not dropping by then."

 

From there, my mother gets up, storms into the other room with me and say's loudly, "Kenneth! Your wife says you're not coming over for XMas! She's being unreasonable. Please talk to her and tell her what you're doing so I can make plans!"

 

Boy! That must be the ultra low calorie sweet talkin' there! Maybe she was unaware I was listening, but she was supposed to be apologizing and convincing my wife to start participating in family events. Hell, I wasn't even convinced and I want to be! Once again, her plan was to have me do all the dirty work and put my wife in her place, right behind her!

 

At this point I'm still kicked out of the family will and I have no sympathy. If they can't learn a little humility, they're going to have a hard time of it. I argued at no small pains to my relationship to get them to be able to see their new grandson. The gratitude I get is negligible at best. I will not sacrifice this marriage to spare my mother her piece of humble pie.

 

Forgive me, I'm stealing your thread. Just try not to let yourself be coerced or manipulated.