Stuck in the middle? New wife and parents hate each other!

[ehehef]

Well the 'confrontation' never happened since I've had some very nice developments on the job searching front and I'm focusing on that... which might have me move to an entirely different country so really, is there a point in confronting this issue now or letting things take their course and see where we end up?

 

A good friend of mine, quite the family guy, advised me recently that "you only have two parents and they're the only ones you've got, don't alienate them but stand up for your wife too". And that's really it in a nutshell, isn't it?

 

My wife STILL cannot stand hearing me talk to my parents over the phone as if nothing has happened, telling them about my new job prospects and developments, about my recent trip, etc. My response to her was simple, "I know it's probably strange, or dysfunctional, but it's between THEM and ME, so try to stay out of it and just don't bother, don't let it get to you."

 

Which means that I should buy a helmet (that was hilarious Kenyth) and get ready for the rough ride of having one INDEPENDENT relationship with my parents, and another with my wife. But I also can't ignore my wife's expectations (and most of you in this forum) that I should take a stand, put my foot down and stop 'encouraging' them by pretending nothing's happening.... but do what, exactly? How can I "threaten" them of endangering their relationship with me (if they don't accept my wife and my choices in life)? They already see me only once a week (though we speak over the phone almost daily, although slightly more 'distanced' lately, I sense their position might be changing as they hopefully accept the fact I'm married, though I could be wrong)... so what would I do, say that I won't visit them or speak to them at all until they change their ways? And HOW? Call up my wife and apologize for something they don't admit anyway? Sweet talk her somehow? Even if they did, somehow, I doubt my wife would believe any of it, or accept any of it.

 

I don't know if I'm trying to make excuses for myself (I have an excellent talent for doing that, people tell me!), or I am really leaning towards what satisfies me -- being on good terms with my folks and not confronting them, and being on good terms with my wife and just telling her to not pay any attention to the relationship I have with them.

 

And the six million (or is it 64000) dollar question: what should I do at Christmas to 'make a point'? Avoid visiting them if my wife is not present (which she won't be)? Or see them on my own?

[hotgurl]

oh god your delsional

[littlekitty]

is there a point in confronting this issue now or letting things take their course and see where we end up?

 

Yes. Otherwise you'll be in the same sitation in 5 years. Well maybe divorced.

 

A good friend of mine, quite the family guy, advised me recently that "you only have two parents and they're the only ones you've got, don't alienate them but stand up for your wife too". And that's really it in a nutshell, isn't it?

 

You may have to alienate them slightly for them to get the message initially. But they are your parents, you won't 'loose' them if they truly care about you.

 

I don't know if I'm trying to make excuses for myself (I have an excellent talent for doing that, people tell me!), or I am really leaning towards what satisfies me -- being on good terms with my folks and not confronting them, and being on good terms with my wife and just telling her to not pay any attention to the relationship I have with them.

 

Ok, I have to get a bit harsh with you now... sorry in advance.

 

Stop f*cking dancing around the issue, making excuses for yourself and face the damn thing.

 

You know that ignoring the issue doesn't work for your wife or make your home life happier. It might work for your parents, but you and your wife are pretty miserable. So how the hell is moving to another country going to change things? You'll still be speaking to them ignoring the fact that it's a major issue in your life. You can not keep your relationship with them seperate when it effects HER life.

 

Find your balls, or strap a pair on, and deal with this! Please!!

 

Ok.. harsh rant over!

 

We've advised how and what you need to say to them.... you just need to find the courage to do this. Stop putting it off and finding reasons not too. Be brave, you must face this.

[Kenyth]

Give him a break guys. Both sides of the argument are treating him very unfairly by putting him in the middle like this. He is more than likely going to lose contact with his parents and/or get divorced. At the very least his marriage and happiness will suffer for some years. All of this for two women to try and prove who comes first in his life. (Meow! Hiss! Spit!) All of this without a single thought spared for how it affects him. Both have probaly convinced themselves that he's better off without the "other woman" in his life. A sad state of affairs, a crying shame, and a total waste. In the end, he'll lose the most and he's powerless to stop it. A tug of war using him as the rope.

 

I believe he should support his wife's side of this, but she's far from innocent. She's making herself part of the problem. She'd do well to confront his parents and try to find a solution herself instead of proxying through him.

[Outcast]

The salient point is that parents should act like parents and not get into these kinds of tussles. So IMHO the parents are further in the wrong and the ones who have to suffer the 'loss' of their son as penalty for not acting like mature adults.

 

But this guy is not going to take a side and will end up losing everything because of his inability to stand up to his parents. And actually that is an issue that requires counselling because adults are supposed to have begun to individuate from their parents during their teens and this guy clearly hasn't.

[Kenyth]

The salient point is that parents should act like parents and not get into these kinds of tussles...

 

You're 100% right on this point.

 

So IMHO the parents are further in the wrong and the ones who have to suffer the 'loss' of their son as penalty for not acting like mature adults..

 

Does it have to go this far? I mean really, doesn't this seem like over-reacting?

 

But this guy is not going to take a side and will end up losing everything because of his inability to stand up to his parents..

 

That's the half of it. His wife is part of the problem here too, though to a much lesser extent. She's more concerned about her pride and punishing his parents than his happiness. Righteous or not, that's a sad state of affairs.

 

And actually that is an issue that requires counselling because adults are supposed to have begun to individuate from their parents during their teens and this guy clearly hasn't.

 

He has to disown them to individuate? I don't buy it. People can get along if they want to and are willing to make concessions and forgive. I don't see any of that from either side here.

 

 

All in all, what should have happened was he should have stood up to his parents the first confrontation and left. He should have made his parents initiate contact first. After that, his wife should have tried to work towards starting up a relationship with his parents where she gets due respect instead of starting a cold war and commanding her husband like the border patrol responsible for keeping the undesirables out of her life.

[Outcast]

He has to disown them to individuate?

 

No but he has to stand on his own feet, make his own decisions, and quit trying to placate everybody so nobody will be 'mad at him'. Which may or may not result in him being disowned if they want to continue being petulant.

 

Yes, his wife is also at fault but the parents started it and because he didn't nip it in the bud, it escalated. And will continue to do so until it's all-out war.

[Kenyth]

I'd like to add that maybe you should look at doing family counseling or mediation. The small ground I gained on both sides of this, I got by arranging mediation. Unfortunately, by the third session they (wife, parents) decided they didn't want to come back again. Nothing left to discuss they said. You see, you can't make them want to get along. You can try to facilitate it, but if they don't want to, they don't want to. Counseling sessions can prove very uncomfortable. For one thing, group sessions quickly identify the problem people. It became apparent quickly that my mother and wife were the personalities primarily at odds with each other. I don't think either liked that kind of attention being brought on them. It's the husbands job to take the brunt of the attack you know. The mediator will also state certain inalienable truths that neither side will want to hear. Hearing that my wife holds a lot of power with the grandchild, and can ideed withhold him from them if she desires, did not go over well at all. That you are powerless in certain respects is not the kind of thing people want to hear or accept. That your only choice is to humble yourself is simply unacceptable to prideful people.

[Outcast]

You are SO right!

[Kenyth]

No but he has to stand on his own feet, make his own decisions, and quit trying to placate everybody so nobody will be 'mad at him'. Which may or may not result in him being disowned if they want to continue being petulant.

 

Yes, his wife is also at fault but the parents started it and because he didn't nip it in the bud, it escalated. And will continue to do so until it's all-out war.

 

 

Understood. I tried nipping my problem in the bud, vehemently. Hoo boy was it ever ugly! It escalated anyway. It still went to hell and doesn't look to ever be coming back. It's frustrating and heartbreaking, you know? I feel his pain is all I'm saying. It just goes on and on and never seems to resolve because nobody really want's to resolve it.

[Tland]

I can somewhat relate to this, although I am now in the process of putting some serious boundaries up to my overbearing parents. We had to move in with them last year and they were consistently criticizing my wife. Finally, the bottom fell out and I got my wife and 6 month-old daughter out of there. We moved back to the Midwest.

 

It has been a month and-a-half. I have started a great job and my wife and I are rebuilding our lives and our marriage. It has been great. My folks are now at it again. They have called and said, "We're coming up next week. Make room." When I said, "No," they are furious with me.

 

They are using so much guilt and emotional blackmail to try and make me feel like a horrible person. "We opened our home to you and have done nothing but GOOD for you!" I am not going to put up with it. The moment I defend my wife, they act like I have committed an atrocity!

 

Anyway, you can read my sob story here. Any advice on what to do to possibly somehow begin to someday rebuild a relationship. Seriously, I am not too proud to admit when I am wrong (in fact, somewhat like this guy who started this thread, I am a people-pleaser), and if I am, I will try to make things better. I know I am NOT wrong here, and my folks refuse to take any responsibility for this. You can respond on my thread.

[Kenyth]

Brother, you're lucky. At least your wife WANT'S to build things back. My parents and one of my brothers pissed off my wife and she want's nothing to do with them anymore. This would marginally work except that she doesn't want the baby going over there either. My house is a regular psycho circus these days.

[ehehef]

Just a quick note to let you know I'm still around and still suffering... somewhat less, mind you, with things calmed down enough so I can have some calm chats with my wife about this from time to time (as opposed to shouting matches)...

 

... but things are pretty much the same, and I can't help but blame myself.

 

I just DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. Standing up to my parents, that is. I had an argument a few weeks ago where I tried to tell them that their relationship with me will suffer (as it obviously has, we've become more distant than we'd like) if they don't accept my choices in life and the woman I'm with. Not ONE small sign of acceptance or recognition from them. In fact, after a long time of seeing each other (my parents and I) and not even talking about the issue, a small complaint from my father on how "bitter" he is that I "see things wrongly and think that we are to blame".

 

My feeling is that there is little I can do to take responsibility for MY portion of mistakes -- ie: not standing up to my parents early on or not warning my wife about what my parents would be like, etc.

 

Meantime, I saw them briefly at Christmas on my own. Same for New Year's. And today is my father's "name day", traditionally another holiday where friends and family visit and bring gifts -- something I'll be doing on my own. Why??

 

My wife is not happy with me going to visit them today, and still feels that by ignoring the problem it won't go away and that I'm 'making more mistakes' which will cost us in the future.

 

Assuming I agree with her (I'm a logical person, I know you can't avoid a problem forever), what the hell do I do????

 

Fighting with my parents has had no effect. Calmly telling them how I feel has also had no effect.

 

Perhaps I should have been more firm and not seen them on the holidays, or on other occasions (I still visit once a week and even go out to lunch with my father from time to time). Perhaps I should convey more a position of, "Well, if you guys hadn't treated my wife badly you'd see more of me".

 

I'm starting to think that my contact with them and avoidance of the issue has to do more with me having a NEED to be on good terms with them, rather than anything else.

 

And moreover, a very real doubt in my mind that has me thinking that perhaps THEIR side of the story may hold some truth -- that my wife is simply a difficult character who never wanted someone like them in her life and SHE is the one who was rude to them when they were trying to be nice and open their house to her. Hard to say.

 

Enough ranting. I predict another fight (though a calm one) tonight when I visit the parents. I have to tell them yet again CALMLY how much it upsets me that we're avoiding the issue and that I can't be there today (or on holidays) with my wife.

 

I already know their response, though: "We don't care. She has done enough to us and we want nothing to do with her in the future." EXACTLY what my wife says in turn about them.

[ehehef]

A small addition to the previous post... I calmed down somewhat and called my wife to say:

 

"I wanted to say I'm sorry, because I know you're right, avoiding a problem isn't going to make it go away".

 

"That's enough for me" she replied.

 

"I just don't know what to do ... fighting with them hasn't helped and we're tired of it. Calmly discussing things hasn't helped either. I've even heard complaints about me being distance and I replied, 'Well if all this hadn't happened we'd be OK now'", I said.

 

"Just know that you may have to stand up to them, if not now then in the future." she said.

 

"I don't think there's any other option, to be honest" I said.

 

So how many of you vote for me to stand up now and be harsh and say, "if you don't accept her, you'll see me even less", and how many of you think I should just relax and give things time? Either for them to come around or for my wife to see how important my parents are to me?

[Kenyth]

She is being difficult, but I don't think that will change. I'm guessing she was difficult before you married her. Your parents acted very stupidly. Putting themselves in the middle of things like that is nothing but a path to pain. Neither side cares that it makes life difficult for you, so accept that. Honestly, I think you need to see less of them.

 

IMHO, your wife and your family are both difficult, just like mine. Why? Because we both have codependant tendancies. They were learned in childhood and used when we found our wives. Handling difficult people is our specialty. Making difficult people get along with each other is where our problems begin, and our powers of diplomacy end.

 

You see, because of the way you've treated everyone in the past, they simply assume you'll take up for them against anyone. No questions asked. When you turn on them because of conflicting interests, they're appalled and mad at you. You're supposed to be your wifes hero, giving up everything for her, or your parents good little boy who behaves properly and knows proper respect. When they come to odds, you can't be both, and someone is bound to be hurt and disappointed.

[hotgurl]

ef,

I think everyone has said you need to stand up to them and distance yourself from them. Basically say this is the choice I have made for myslef. I am happy. If you cannot accept it and be happy for me then I cannot continue to visit you etc..

 

You don't need thier approval They don't have to love what you have done they just need to come to terms with it. You need to leave the nest and become more indepedent.

[ehehef]

Here I am again, obviously writing to show that the problem hasn't gone away.

 

I've been taking the approach to TOTALLY separate my relationship with my parents from that with my wife, which has been working -- to some extent.

 

My wife, unfortunately, feels otherwise, and she may be right. While she wants to plan having children and making plans for our future, she accuses me of holding back because of the issue with my parents -- basically, since I can't have my parents part of my life, I'm affected, and so is my outlook on everything. It's true my life is unstable in several ways lately (unlike my wife's) but this may be the only issue truly affecting us.

 

By 'part of my life', I don't mean intruding, involved or in the way that they were when I was living with them. I mean SHARING and PARTICIPATING in the ups and downs of my marriage -- sharing good news, talking about things in a friendly easygoing way, doing things together, etc. I may have watched too much TV in the past, but I DO believe this is feasible and nobody would object to this -- IF spouses and inlaws 'click' and get along.

 

I'm really not sure if my parents are bothered by this anymore -- they seem to be adjusting well to life without me around, doing more things together, not complaining one BIT about me not visiting or calling as often as they originally wanted (or as often as I would like, though that may be the guilt speaking). I, however, feel a different desire, and I don't know if it's a NEED.

 

I don't know if my 'want' or 'need' to be close with my parents TOGETHER with my wife, is unnatural, or whether just the way things are with my family. Families are each unique, with different relationships, and I do know people who were jealous of me in the past for being so close to my parents and being able to communicate with them on a 'modern' level (ie: they're not TOO young, but they're very much 'in touch' with current events and popular culture, so they make for interesting conversation).

 

The reason I'm writiing is because I know my wife is tired, and I feel exhausted. I doubt my parents will change their attitude, soften up and try to be close to us again (except if they go through some health issues or when we have kids), and I strongly doubt that my wife will change HER attitude and back down from feeling as if they have treated her inexcusably (by interfering in our relationship) and wants not even to hear their names.

 

My wife claims her patience is running out and that she's willing to "put her life on hold" because of something that has happened to me (such as losing my job last year, for example), but NOT for something that someone else has done. I don't blame her.

 

The worst part? That I can't go to the source (my parents) and share with them how I feel and how disappointed and upset I am, because they may not actually care anymore. They claim to care about me, their only child, but they can also be selfish, and I doubt they'd put aside their feelings of being 'disrespected' and treated badly by an outsider -- my wife.

 

I can't help but shake the growing feeling that I didn't nip this in the bud -- and state to my parents early on: "THIS is the person I've chosen to be with, take it or leave it", AND most of all, say to my wife, "THIS is how I am with my parents, we're close, maybe too close, I talk a lot with them, they know everything that's happening in my life and I don't want that to change, take it or leave it."

 

It's a horrible feeling to doubt your own wants and needs -- and not have a clear picture of whether they might be unnatural (and should be changed), or something to stand up for.

[SoleMate]

Hi there troubled Canuck!

 

My view of the situation is similar to what you've heard above. The marital r/s is primary. NOT because it is less durable, as you suggested. But becuase the marital r/s is your own adult life, and a sacred bond. Parent/child bonding should be primary only when the child is still dependent. When you become a man, the man/woman mated pair bond becomes primary. This is an obvious conclusion of both science and religion, and applies in every part of the world, every culture, and at all times throughout human history. So please don't try to fight it.

 

You make many points. Let me address a few (I'm paraphrasing):

 

1) "My parents have always told me that my relationships wouldn't last...and they were right."

I'm shocked that a parent would even comment like that. I have never heard such a comment in my own family, and very rarely in others. I suspect that your parents were semi-deliberately driving those other women away so they can have you to themselves.

 

2) "I'm desperate at the thought of separate holidays."

I think they will eventually come around - both your W and your parents - IF YOU STAND FIRM, and make it clear to all parties that your wife is #1. No man can consider himself honorable if he lets his wife be insulted. If they pick a fight with her, then you two just get up, excuse yourselves quietly, and leave. Go to a motel or a friend's house. But do not stand there and let her be hurt or attacked in any way.

 

I have a feeling that your wife will soften her stance, once she sees that you are dedicated to protecting her and putting her first. I'll be straight with you - it's going to take YEARS.

 

If I were your wife, I might be reacting very similarly. You are just way too far under the control of your parents.

 

So how many of you vote for me to stand up now and be harsh and say, "if you don't accept her, you'll see me even less"?

That's not even harsh, it's simply the obvious and natural response. Can you see that your parents' current behavior is every bit as threatening to your marriage as a hot extramarital affair that one of you might be having? Possibly even more. Please check out the works of Willard Harley.

 

Your life is your own. If you choose, you can separate from your wife and go back to your parents. You can move back in with them and let them shield you from any intimate r/s that threatens their control over you. You will all slowly grow old, they will eventually not be around, and you can spend your spare time tending their memorials and going through old photo albums of that trip to Disneyland when you were 35. If that is your true desire, then out of fairness to your wife, tell her as soon as possible so she can move on.

[jmargel]

If you search for my thread it's quite long. It has to do with my wife and her father & stepmother. Long story short the guy was lying to me the whole time I've been with her & was maintaining close contect with my wife's ex-bf. Her dad was basically interfering with our marriage trying to break it up. Using her by trying to do things with her that included her ex. Before, her dad never spent hardly anytime with her. Neglected her alot.

 

Things got really bad to the point that her dad assalted me. Being the 'bigger person' I pushed him off and didn't fight back. Last thing I wanted my wife to see was her dad getting the **** kicked outta him.

 

Anyway over those months it got to the point of about divorce. She turned on me in so many ways and I was ready to end it. It wasn't until I gave her the 'tough love' and made sure that if she ever crossed certain lines again I would sign divorce papers.

 

The only way things have gotten better between us is that me & her dad stay totally away from each other. She doesn't go see him hardly at all, I think she realizes what he was trying to do. He didn't want to spend time with her but to 'control' her by trying to get her back with her ex.

 

I've never told her I don't want her to see her dad or spend time with him. All I mention is that if you want you can see him, just make sure the ex is not around.

 

In regards to her dad & me, all I told her was that we'll never 'mesh'. There is no reconciliation. I tried and he still was trying to cause problems a second time. She has respected this and won't try to make me a part of that side of her family. I don't want any part of it.

 

For your situation best thing to do is to tell your wife that you believe neither her or your family is 100% right. But that you understand that her & your family just don't 'mesh'. That you are not going to try to be a referee between the two nor try to make everyone like each other. That you understand if she doesn't want to goto your family events. However that should not limit you from going.

 

You won't win this battle and will get beaten up by both sides. Just set your ground rules with both your wife & family and stick by them.

[ConfusedGal]

Hey, I just read your post. This sounds similar to my story..Except its with my parents and husband... Please see my post in the "Familial" board on Loveshack ("anyone move to another state to be far away from their parents?") I am a 27 year old attorney, married 3 1/2 years and my parents treat me like I am 5. I am inevitably blamed for my mom's osteoporosis (Dad says, "If you dont love your mom enough, her back will break.) My mom is an extremely over-dramatic woman with "martyr syndrome" who is always trying to tell me how mother daughter relationships "should be" and is constantly reminidng me that our relationship changed after I got married...Sure, she wants to be "my friend" but friends dont indirectly diss each others' spouses... Anyways, I have had many years of problems, and my husband like your wife, cant just ignore it....He wants to confront it, but what he doesnt realize that confrontation does NOTHING with them. They feel "insulted" and "blamed" for everything...

 

Finally, after years of ups and downs, I have realized something. I cannot change them. I also cannot change the fact that my husband wants to confront them and I always stop him, because I am afraid of the outcome...Worst part...I am not sure I can change myself...I have finally accepted that my husband and I cannot have a "close" relationship with my folks together... Its no use. And I cannot take Dr. Phil's advice of just "blocking it out!" Even if I block it out, my husband cannot and so I inevitably get pulled in from both sides. Call it running away from the issue, but I want to live my life happily with my husband so we are moving to another state...(moving to the midwest from the East) away from my parents...

 

I dont know if it is the right thing, but I have been on a roller coaster ride with them for many years, and my fear and inability to confront them affects my marriage. I finally felt like, enough, I am sick of this crap. And trust me, once I found out we really are moving, no one fet guiltier than me...Guilty that I am "leaving" my poor parents behind to go and live my life... But yet, I feel like it will improve our lives and our relationship as opposed to being around each other and stressing each other out and hurting each other constantly... I am hoping this is true, and am trying to get mentally prepared to tell my parents I am really moving....Ohhhh it will be dramatic I am sure...But I need to grow up, and live...

[sparkyG]

Glad I found this thread. I can totally relate. I'm a fellow Ontarian in a similar situation(something in the water??) Only child, close to my parents.

 

I'm not married but have been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 years now. I'm 25 she's just turned 26. I get along tremendously with her whole family and my parents and she are civil but my parents, in their words, are "stressed" about my relationship with her and have said that she's "not their kind of person." My girlfriend and I have been planning to move in together and we see a future well beyond that. At the moment I'm out of the country and finishing up my master's degree. My girlfriend and I plan on moving in together when I'm finished with school...this has been a source of stress for my parents who feel that my girlfriend is bullying me into the next stages of the relationship. I know the problem is that I don't talk to my parents about the small, everday greatness that is my relationship but when I announced we'd be moving in together in the very near future they got concerned...I guess it seemed sudden to an outsider who didn't know how serious our relationship really was.

 

It's not as though my parents and girlfriend are strangers. My gf and I have dinner at my parents regularly, have spent holidays and family events together. Is this my fault for not emphasizing daily how happy I am with my gf? My parents raised the idea that it might be that they are having trouble letting go of their baby?

 

Ehehef, any advice to a guy who is potentially in a situation that could turn into something you're experiencing? How can I nip this in the bud before it gets worse? Anything you would have done differently that I could do now?

[AJS]

ehehef, I could be your wife. It's been 16 yrs of this mess for me. My in-laws live 700 miles away thank god or this could be worse. They liked me in the beginning, even after our first child was born, but after that it all went down hill. My MIL is very controlling and I'm just like your wife. When she realised she couldn't control me or my H, she blamed me and the war was on!

 

We have made up, only to have her cause another problem once again. My H knows who the problem is, and finally one day told her he would cut her out of his life if that's what it took. This woman even made a comment about my second child not being my H's while in the room with us right after I had him! It was because of this that we moved so far away from her. NOW she tries real hard to get along with me. I am always nice to her, I just have had enough, and I'm not going to put up with her anymore. I have forgiven her over and over so enough is enough.

 

My H was just like you until I made him see that it was because he was a push over he was helping cause the problem. He is the baby in the family. He can do no wrong. My MIL is a nice woman really, but I believe she would have been this way no matter who he married. It's been a long and hurtful journey for me, I just wanted all of us to get along and she always had to start something, and ALWAYS found a way to place the blame on me.

 

Even just a few months ago she tried to pick a fight in an e-mail to me. I sent a sweet, but short e-mail back that I wasn't going down that road with her again. She tried to point out everything she could think of that was "wrong" with me. I simply explained to her that it was her problem and I felt like she didn't really know me and never has, and until she really gave "us" a chance... that was never going to change.

 

I never would have moved away from her if she had just been nice to me. She's a really good grandmother, so my children are missing out. They see her about twice a year now. Her loss. I guess I'm sharing here because I know how your wife feels, but I unlike her, I gave my MIL chance after chance to build a relationship with me. It's almost like she couldn't let herself because she didn't for so long.

 

I think you should put your foot down to everybody! You are in the middle here and they all need to respect you. Your parents need to get over themselves and your wife needs to give a little as well. It's turning into a big drama that will last years if you don't put a stop to it now! Tell all of them they will get along if they really love you because this is unfair to you. It worked on my end somewhat. Atleast we can get along now when we are together, even though I know deep down inside MIL can't stand me. As long as she respects me and is nice to me, I'm ok with the visits.

 

Good luck with it, you are going to have to be strong and mean what you say. I believe with some effort from all ends, this can work out for all of you. Take Care.

[KonRyuu]

Oh man, I had a very similar situation. My wife and my entire family. Let's see, when they first met my wife, they liked her a lot. Then, after being around her for a short while, it all changed. On father's day, my grandmother said, now I don't want you two fighting, you need to make today a nice day for Ken (step-father to me, father-in-law to her).

 

My wife has issues with her father, who is currently dying of brain cancer and she hasn't seen since she was 16, so of course, she broke down crying and my grandmother freaked out and they started cussing at eachother and everything but physically fighting, which seemed to come very close. My sister then called up threatening my wife that she was going to kick her ass for messing with our grandma and everyone in my family has always said, Brittany tries to control you and you need to leave her and yada yada ya. I said, HELL NO I'm not leaving my wife, DEAL WITH IT!

 

I stood up to my family which happens to be very close together. Now, my family is currently co-existing with my wife, it's getting better, hopefully, they'll soon actually like her. By the way, my sister is now in love with my wife, she's so happy to have a younger sister, she wants us to move in with her, we don't feel like moving to Vegas though, crappy place. Just stick to your guns, protect your wife. Ya know, the bible says, once you're married you leave your family and begin your own. Remember that. Even if your parents disown you, your place is beside your wife and your wife alone.

[Wintersbloom]

"A daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son 'till he takes a wife".

[ConfusedGal]

AJS, just out of curiosity, did moving help?? If you read my previous post, it is my husband vs. my parents and me, the wife in the middle, and we are moving out to the midwest from the east...Part of me feels horribly guilty about it, but I feel like I need to in order to "protect" my marriage...I mean, its up and down but when its down, its really down!!! I dont have any kids. I probably will in about 2 years or so...and I already feel bad that I will be "taking the grandchildren" away from them (even though they arent born yet!!) My friends say I am being silly feeling this guilty, but I feel distance will help the relationships in this case... Or else my folks will FOREVER treat me like I am 5 and I have been corrupted by big bad husband. Who knows?? We may move back in a couple years when we have kids (although I wont mention this to DH right now cause he'd kill me!)...