MammaMia933 Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 Me and my husband have been together for a total of 9 years. About 1yr and half ago we moved away and soon after I got pregnant. Getting a job while pregnant and with COVID was not easy but I was able to pay my bills, groceries, and the light bill the whole time. Not once did I ask him for money. I even took out my 401K to pay for my bills and other things. Well, we recently moved back to the hometown and in the beginning of the year he made around 18k in one month and he used about 4K to pay off his debt, which is good. This whole time I’m not working and I had just given birth via emergency C-section and I’m still paying for my own stuff and taking care of the baby basically without his help because he would not wake up at night to get the baby and I would get up on my own, with a big incision. Fast forward, he just bought a business last month with the money that he had left over and his moms help. And now I have no money to pay for my bills this month and whenever I bring up the fact that I have to pay my car or buy something for the house he just says “damn” and I fell like I can’t ask him for money because every time he spends money he tells me how much money he has left or how much he has spent. And I just started a new job today that makes good commission and he told me that with the money that I make on commission I should not use it to pay for my debt. That we need to prioritize other things. Obviously I am not going to waste all of it on my debt but it I should be able to pay off a little bit. But when he was going to use one of his credit cards to buy something for the house he said that we need to pay it off with my commission money. Basically he tells me I’m selfish and now that he has a business he told me that he can’t believe that I am going to benefit from his business when I don’t do anything for it. Which I do go and help him every once in a while but I am also the only one that takes care of the baby when I pick him up from daycare and cook, clean and he gets home and relaxes. I just want to know if I’m the one that is being selfish or is he being selfish? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 9 minutes ago, MammaMia933 said: I can’t ask him for money because every time he spends money he tells me how much money he has left or how much he has spent. And I just started a new job today that makes good commission and he told me that with the money that I make on commission I should not use it to pay for my debt. If you are legally married, your assets, bills, debts, etc. are joint. Check your credit score. Run his credit score. Both of you are responsible for the bills. It sounds like you need a good accountant to develop a better tax strategy and get better advice than spending retirement money. You can also talk to a banker/financial advisor on how to get out of debt and pay it off appropriately. You should not be going broke. Is he hiding or diverting money to a bad habit or mistress? Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 11 minutes ago, MammaMia933 said: I just want to know if I’m the one that is being selfish or is he being selfish? Honestly, the whole thing sounds weird to me. In my marriage there is no “my debt” and “your debt”. Once we got married, finances were combine so it was all our debt, our expenses, and our income. Keeping things separate in my opinion is going to encourage selfishness. A mine vs yours mentality. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MammaMia933 Posted August 8, 2022 Author Share Posted August 8, 2022 We are not legally married and he does not have bad habits or a mistress. I just feel like he does not see us as one. Only when it benefits him. When he wants me to pay for something is when he says that his money is my money. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MammaMia933 Posted August 8, 2022 Author Share Posted August 8, 2022 We had a wedding but we did not sign papers. So in our eyes we are married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MammaMia933 Posted August 8, 2022 Author Share Posted August 8, 2022 (edited) Okay, whether we are legally married or not is not the point lol. It is the fact that he calls me selfish and tells everyone that he maintains me is the issue. When he does not pay anything for me. Edited August 8, 2022 by MammaMia933 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 Just now, MammaMia933 said: We had a wedding but we did not sign papers. So in our eyes we are married. The difference is the legality of the marriage contract which obligates both of you to disclose your incomes and there is no "my money", "your money". Still. Do not give him money. Since you are not married, use that to your advantage and do not comingle funds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 (edited) 4 minutes ago, MammaMia933 said: Okay, whether we are legally married or not is not the point. When he does not pay anything for me. Yes it is actually the point, because he does not legally have to pay anything for you. However if you were to move out he would have to pay child support. And not have to pay for a divorce. Edited August 8, 2022 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 (edited) Do you live together? Do you split the rent or mortgage? Does he make more than you or about the same? Do you split utilities? Just trying to see why the two of you have such different ways of seeing things. Edited August 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator remove quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author MammaMia933 Posted August 8, 2022 Author Share Posted August 8, 2022 (edited) We do live together, he pays the rent and his personal bills and I pay for everything else: groceries, light, water, etc. plus my personal bills. Now is when I started working and we make about the same. Edited August 8, 2022 by MammaMia933 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, MammaMia933 said: We do live together, he pays the rent and his personal bills and I pay for everything else: groceries, light, water, etc. plus my personal bills. Now is when I started working and we make about the same. Is this equitable? Is rent about equal to monthly groceries and utilities? Where I live rent would be substantially more, but I realize it’s different everywhere. Since you both make the same amount, I’d suggest owning a joint account for joint expenses. Anything house or baby related really. Say 75% of each of your monthly income goes in there. The remaining 25% can be spent however each person wants, whether that be paying off personal debts or whatever. Edited August 8, 2022 by Weezy1973 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 8, 2022 Share Posted August 8, 2022 (edited) [ ] He is treating you as separate financial entities and you each harbor resentment about it. You two are obviously not on the same page about what it means to be together, what it means to "be married" in the sense you mean it, and what baby means to your finances. Edited August 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted August 9, 2022 Share Posted August 9, 2022 So, basically, his money is his money and he spends it on himself. But your money is his money and he wants to spend it on himself as well. And he is trying to convince you that you are the selfish one? No, you are not selfish. He is a selfish one here. The best part of this is that the two of you are not even legally married and he still feels entitled to you hard earned cash. And he is not helping you with a childcare at all. Maybe it is a time to rethink this whole arrangement and take him to the court for a child support or some other payments that you may be entitle to. 20 hours ago, MammaMia933 said: just given birth via emergency C-section and I’m still paying for my own stuff and taking care of the baby basically without his help because he would not wake up at night to get the baby and I would get up on my own, with a big incision. Money issue asides, how horrible it must have been for you. No support from his whatsoever. Don't you find him cold and uncaring? Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted August 9, 2022 Share Posted August 9, 2022 Also, want to say that there is no unity in your relationship. It's like the two of you are completely separate entities. You cannot even take care of a newborn together. But he wants your money to benefit him. Something to consider moving forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted August 9, 2022 Share Posted August 9, 2022 21 hours ago, MammaMia933 said: Okay, whether we are legally married or not is not the point lol. Well, it may not be the point to you, but it is very much the point legally and, it seems, it may be the point behind your SO's behavior. Whereas you are operating as a married person would be, he appears to be operating as the single man he is. You say you had a ceremony but never signed or filed the papers to make your marriage legal. What stopped you? I am wondering if whatever issues caused you to stop short of marrying legally are related to the issues presenting themselves now. I think you two need to sit down and come to an agreement about how you will share (or not) finances and especially how you will share the responsibilities of raising your child, which involves not just money but time and love. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 9, 2022 Share Posted August 9, 2022 2 hours ago, Alvi said: Also, want to say that there is no unity in your relationship. It's like the two of you are completely separate entities. You cannot even take care of a newborn together. But he wants your money to benefit him. Something to consider moving forward. Agree. Selfish people embrace a 'Su Casa, Mi Casa' attitude of what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PotatoHead Posted August 9, 2022 Share Posted August 9, 2022 (edited) If you are choosing not to share finances as a typical married couple might, then the alternative is that each of you keep your individual accounts, but also set up one shared account for shared expenditures. Where each of you contributes the same amount or however much is deemed equitable. Everything else you can each keep to yourselves. But, there are much bigger problems with all of this. Yes he is the selfish one, not only with money, but also not helping the child or taking care of the household. This doesn't sound like much of a partnership. What are you getting out of it? Edited August 9, 2022 by PotatoHead 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 9, 2022 Share Posted August 9, 2022 2 hours ago, PotatoHead said: If you are choosing not to share finances as a typical married couple might, then the alternative is that each of you keep your individual accounts, but also set up one shared account for shared expenditures. This is our plan. We both have separate accounts but we have one shared checking account where we both dump money to pay the mortgage, insurance, groceries, bills, etc… We have agreed on the amount and how the money will be used. In turn, we both have our individual expenses (car) and our own spending money. I tend to agree that you are problem solving as if you are part of a partnership and he is problem solving very much life a single person - and then bragging about essentially being “head of the household.” That would not go down well with me… Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 12, 2022 Share Posted August 12, 2022 (edited) On 8/9/2022 at 5:30 AM, S2B said: Too bad… I was hoping you could get away from this twisted arrangement. She probably could - he would still be required to pay child support if she files for it, no? OP, unfortunately you have chosen to bear a child for a selfish, unsupportive, uncaring father. If he isn't providing for the child AND isn't doing any childcare, then essentially he isn't being a father. Currently he is having his cake and eating it too - he views you as separate entities when it suits him (finances), but on the other hand he also views you as "a team" when it suits him (you taking over the childcare duties and carrying the child). If he truly just viewed you as separate entities consistently, he would be taking care of the child 50% of the time. If you left and took child support, at the very least that would help your child grow up in a better environment. Edited August 12, 2022 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 13, 2022 Share Posted August 13, 2022 On 8/8/2022 at 3:31 PM, MammaMia933 said: Okay, whether we are legally married or not is not the point lol. It is the fact that he calls me selfish and tells everyone that he maintains me is the issue. When he does not pay anything for me. So what exactly are YOU getting out of this arrangement? It seems like he's using you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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