First dates- men, have you ever stayed long out of politeness?

[bene]

I suppose people can still enjoy an evening out with a person who is not a romantic match but pleasant enough to be around and talk to. There has to be something seriously wrong to cut the date short already in the beginning. 

I remember from my dating days that sometimes I had reasonably good time but no desire to necessarily repeat it. It doesn’t mean that there was something horribly wrong with these guys. 

[BaileyB]

I have certainly stayed when I knew early on that there was no romantic connection because that is the polite and courteous thing to do. That said, I wouldn’t have stayed for three hours - I don’t know that I’ve ever had a first date that lasted for three hours. 

I would not have been put out that he didn’t walk me to the train station - you are not dating the man, it would have been the gentlemanly thing to do but he’s not obligated to do it.

My question - how long has it been since the date? Is it possible that you are a little eager and he may still contact you? And, did you send the post date - “I had a good time” text to give him the go ahead - to let him know that you would be interested in a second date? 

[poppyfields]

22 hours ago, babybrowns said:

After 3 hours of good conversation, lots of laughter from both sides and some flirting and compliments from him, I said I had to leave since I had an early morning the next morning.

I think this^ does suggest BB left abruptly.   

I also don't understand why it's always on the man to follow up, especially in this case where BB was the one who ended the date, in his mind, prematurely. 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you interested in him?  It doesn't seem like it. If so, why haven't you reached out to let him know you had a good time rather than running off claiming you had an early morning? 

Agree with this. 

BB, I hope you will return and clear up this ambiguity.

And if you like him, shoot him a text!  

A window, a green light, something. 

Based on all your threads combined,, you need to stop the entitlement mentality.

I realize women have been conditioned somewhat to be entitled, with so many thirsty men chasing, pursuing. .

But many men in today's dating environment are hip to that and it's a huge turn off for them.

They need indications of interest themselves otherwise if he has other options, he will move on.

Good luck. 

 

Edited August 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

"Abrupt" is not how I would describe the end of the date. 

This sounds like normal banter at the end of a date. It was three hours later that you called it a night.

Especially if the date is on a work night and you've traveled a long distance.

After ending a date with less abrupt words, I have found that the man still shows an interest in another date while we are still on that date.

Individuals and situations differ, of course.

Did you thank him for the date and tell him you enjoyed yourself? 

[poppyfields]

BB, I think it really depends on the vibe you projected when ending the date.  

None of us were there, so it's literally impossible to know what he was thinking or feeling. 

Whether HE felt you left abruptly or whether HE felt you were attracted and interested.  Or not.

What I think is a mistake is to automatically expect men to behave in a particular way based on the fact he's a man.

And as a man, he "should" have walked you to train, he should have kissed you, he should have called to see if you got home OK, he should have asked you out again. 

Regardless of any negative vibes he got from you, whether consciously or unconsciously.

Become aware of the energy you project and try seeing things from their perspective.

If you clearly projected a high interest level and high attraction level, and he's still behaving cool and distant, then he's not interested and best to move on.

But based on past threads, admittedly you're quite guarded and difficult to read.

Some men may go for that, they consider it a challenge.

I would suggest you stay away from men like that because as soon as you DO begin indicating high interest and attraction, they will lose interest. 

Which I believe you've experienced as well. 

Edited August 10, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

I too have read nothing to make me assume you left abruptly.  After a three hour date, mentioning that there's a train due soon and you need to get going is perfectly reasonable.  I'm sure I've legitimately used that one myself in many a social situation when the trains or busses are running on a more limited night timetable.  

Same.  I'm actually perplexed at the suggestion -which has morphed into a strong assertion -  that the OP was somehow remiss in saying that she had to leave due to an early morning the following day.  And let's not forget that she took a train, evidently some notable distance (or why mention that she made a trip to his neighborhood?) to get there - after THREE HOURS????  

Dates must come to an end, and somebody needs to call it to a close.  They did.

Obviously the fellow was not seeing future potential.  He probably would have met her halfway or even gone to her hood if he was very keen - he certainly would have walked her to the train, hugged, contacted, etc.   Yes, it can feel bad when one things a connection is going somewhere and their feeling is not reciprocated, but it happens ALL THE TIME with dating.

I'm not sure we are supposed to refer to posting history here, but I am going to:   OP, you have a very solid history of reading a lot into things that happen between you and men you meet for which there is not really a basis in reality.  There is a tendency to go very far in your own head and then take actions based upon what conclusions you erroneously drew.   What will help you is to experience what is happening in real life, and in real time.  Please don't be thinking about VIBING etc.  I fear you misread a lot.  Just do your best to get to know a person and let them know some things about you too.  Be in the moment.   Give things a chance to unfold, or not to unfold.   

[ ] 

Edited August 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thanks a lot everyone for your posts so far. Indeed I did not end the date abruptly at all; he knew I was going out of town the next day and I even said the exact line:

“I’m sorry I have to go now, I have a long drive all the way to X from my hometown tomorrow!”  He looked at me carefully as I said this and he didn’t doubt I was telling the truth. 

But indeed, the fact that the man did not walk me to the station was very poor form! His neighbourhood is not the safest place at night, and the train station was only 5 minutes’ walk away from where he turned off the road to go to his house.

The fact that he didn’t check I had got home ok simply strengthened this impression of him that he’s simply out for himself. I even feel that he wanted to have a drink after work that day anyway (as he said when we were walking to the bar at the start- work had been busy that day for him and he was looking forward to a drink) and I just happened to give him company for it.

No matter if I am interested in someone or not, I always walk someone to the station / car if they’ve come all the way to my neighbourhood. I can then choose to never contact them again, but at least I can sleep on a clear conscience that they’ve not ended up mugged, even murdered and left lying in a gutter on my account! It is simple decency.

He kept me matched on the website but I unmatched him after waiting more than a day for him to get in touch by which time I felt like an option sitting there on the website still matched to him, and mainly, for the above. People need to learn that their poor behaviour has consequences, no matter how charming they are!

Edited August 11, 2022 by babybrowns

[poppyfields]

Thanks for the clarification BB, I take back my earlier theory that he may have felt you left abruptly. 

Guy is a tool, and I'm now wondering if all his compliments etc were in hope of taking you home (his home) for the night which obviously wasn't going to happen. 

Hence his toolish behavior not walking you to train etc. 

Doesnt matter, we could speculate till hell freezes over and still never know..

Bottom line, he's a tool, good riddance.

 

 

Edited August 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

His neighbourhood is not the safest place at night, and the train station was only 5 minutes’ walk away from where he turned off the road to go to his house.

The biggest red flag is that he made it convenient for himself and chose a place closest to him. Next time choose something in your area.

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

The fact that he didn’t check I had got home ok simply strengthened this impression of him that he’s simply out for himself. I even feel that he wanted to have a drink after work that day anyway (as he said when we were walking to the bar at the start- work had been busy that day for him and he was looking forward to a drink) and I just happened to give him company for it.

So he's evil, selfish, and just using you for company, huh? 

Idk, I think you would do better to imagine the possibility that he just wasn't into you "like that". It could be as simple as that without having to make someone the villain in this story.

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

So he's evil, selfish, and just using you for company, huh? 

Idk, I think you would do better to imagine the possibility that he just wasn't into you "like that". It could be as simple as that without having to make someone the villain in this story.

True but nevertheless he still could have been a gentleman, and walked her to the train for goodness sake.

Late at night, bad area. 

That's what makes him a tool imo.

Edited August 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

This ^^! 

Boom! @Wiseman2 ... Wise indeed!

[introverted1]

I get that your ego is bruised because he did not ask a second date, but I don't understand how you went from your OP, where you expressed interest in him and were wondering/hoping you would hear from him, to just now, when you've determined that he is a "tool" who could have left you for dead. 

This kind of thinking is only going to increase your bitterness and, ultimately, poison the next date you go on.

I think you need a reset, hard as that may be to achieve.  If you go into your dates with this attitude that men are either princes or villains, you are going to color every date you have with an expectation of a particular outcome.

I was one of the people who said I would not be impressed by a guy who didn't walk me to the train.  I think it's fair if you are also not impressed.  But it's a far cry from being unimpressed to asserting that you could have been "murdered and left lying in a gutter"!  This type of thinking isn't helpful. You have to learn to write off the duds -- and there will be some, especially if you are doing OLD -- without creating so much anxiety and expectation for the next person that you doom things before they start. 

 

[babybrowns]

32 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I get that your ego is bruised because he did not ask a second date, but I don't understand how you went from your OP, where you expressed interest in him and were wondering/hoping you would hear from him, to just now, when you've determined that he is a "tool" who could have left you for dead. 

This kind of thinking is only going to increase your bitterness and, ultimately, poison the next date you go on.

I think you need a reset, hard as that may be to achieve.  If you go into your dates with this attitude that men are either princes or villains, you are going to color every date you have with an expectation of a particular outcome.

I was one of the people who said I would not be impressed by a guy who didn't walk me to the train.  I think it's fair if you are also not impressed.  But it's a far cry from being unimpressed to asserting that you could have been "murdered and left lying in a gutter"!  This type of thinking isn't helpful. You have to learn to write off the duds -- and there will be some, especially if you are doing OLD -- without creating so much anxiety and expectation for the next person that you doom things before they start. 

 

Because I was caught in the after-glow of being with a charismatic man, where the buzz of lust overpowers logic and overlooks big red flags. 

And when I’d calmed down, all became clear. 

Nice opportunity to judge a man’s character when for whatever reason he’s not faced with the possibility of getting some 🤣🤣

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

he’s not faced with the possibility of getting some 

Have a list of pubs, restaurants, coffee shops etc. in your area handy for date/meet suggestions. Unfortunately this guy didn't want any. It's that simple. 

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

So he's evil, selfish, and just using you for company, huh? 

Idk, I think you would do better to imagine the possibility that he just wasn't into you "like that". It could be as simple as that without having to make someone the villain in this story.

EXACTLY.  OP:  This is EXACTLY the tendency that I was talking about in my prior post.

Stop doing this, please.  

Nobody here is doing you any favors by "helping" you analyze and diagnose people you don't know and make them into characters in your life when they are really nothing to you.   

Try to learn how to get to know people.  That means being open to what they are showing you.  If this guy's behavior was so atrocious, and you were aware of it and coming from a healthy place, you would not even have started this thread because you would have decided for yourself that he was not the type of person you'd like to pursue a relationship with.   And, next.  

 

[basil67]

58 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Nice opportunity to judge a man’s character when for whatever reason he’s not faced with the possibility of getting some 🤣🤣

You didn't mention anything about him asking you back to his house.   Did you have to shut down his expectations of sex?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

 

I get that your ego is bruised because he did not ask a second date, but I don't understand how you went from your OP, where you expressed interest in him and were wondering/hoping you would hear from him, to just now, when you've determined that he is a "tool" who could have left you for dead. 

 

This is a pattern for BB. Men tend to go from hero to zero - one perceived misstep and things tend to spiral from there…

[babybrowns]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You didn't mention anything about him asking you back to his house.   Did you have to shut down his expectations of sex?

Perhaps I should re-phrase that sentence-

When sex is not a motivating factor for men, one can judge their character well. 

He didn’t ask me back to his place- he did not have intentions of seeing me again. And that in turn revealed what his true character is, ie the lack of his hospitality when he doesn’t need something from someone, by what he manifested. 

Edited August 11, 2022 by babybrowns

[Weezy1973]

Or, he could have been a completely awesome guy who just wasn’t into you. That could be a thing too!

[babybrowns]

1 minute ago, Weezy1973 said:

Or, he could have been a completely awesome guy who just wasn’t into you. That could be a thing too!

Which is the point. An “awesome” guy wouldn’t let his “into-his-date-ness” determine whether he would walk someone who visited his neighbourhood specifically to see him, back the extra 5 minutes to the station. It’s common decency.

[NuevoYorko]

22 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Perhaps I should re-phrase that sentence-

When sex is not a motivating factor for men, one can judge their character well. 

He didn’t ask me back to his place- he had no intentions of seeing me again. And that in turn revealed what his true character is, ie the lack of his hospitality when he doesn’t need something from someone, by what he manifested. 

That is convoluted.  I think that when men are interested in trying to have sex, you will see their true character.  Are they going to lie and lead the woman on in order to get what they want?  Many will.  This guy didn't do any of that and I think it was basically commendable, because from your OP I got the impression that you would have been a pretty easy mark for that kind of fellow.  

I agree that he had bad manners.  

Speaking of which, WHY did you go all the way to his neighborhood to meet him?  I think this was gone over in one of your prior threads.  You could have weeded this guy out immediately.  If he wasn't interested enough in meeting you to come partway to you, why would you bother?  

So you already had this piece of info, yet you went there, and now you are casting him as a bad person.  He just wasn't interested in you.  Why put yourself through this.  

Edited August 11, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[basil67]

21 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Perhaps I should re-phrase that sentence-

When sex is not a motivating factor for men, one can judge their character well. 

He didn’t ask me back to his place- he did not have intentions of seeing me again. And that in turn revealed what his true character is, ie the lack of his hospitality when he doesn’t need something from someone, by what he manifested. 

This is still the talk of 'sour grapes'    I'd describe him as not being a particularly thoughtful type. 

While I agree that it wasn't good manners to not walk you to the station, perhaps he thought you seemed like the kind of woman who can look after herself.   And if you truly felt at risk, I imagine you would have asked him to walk with you, or gotten a cab/uber, or asked to meet somewhere safer.  It's unfair to judge someone so harshly when you're making no effort to let them know that you need help. 

 

[introverted1]

9 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

He didn’t ask me back to his place- he had no intentions of seeing me again.

This seems at odds with his motivation being simply to "get some."

Why can't it just be that he wasn't into you? Why does he has to be a villain? 

And if you really felt unsafe walking to the train, why not call a cab or ask him to walk with you? You seem invested in demonizing him.

[basil67]

I want to add that my wonderful husband is a regular bloke.  He's a great guy, but he sees me as quite proficient and doesn't always think that I might need assistance....so when I need it, I ask.   It doesn't kill me to ask and I get my needs met.   

The fact that a guy doesn't think to offer support doesn't make him the devil incarnate. Nor does it have anything to do with sex or lack there of.