First dates- men, have you ever stayed long out of politeness?

[BrinnM]

Happens all the time. Guy finishes date properly (not hastily), but has no interest otherwise. Par for the course. If you texted him today, he’d probably even txt back, bc he’s polite. And I don’t think that after THREE hours & a full day of work lined up for the next day, you were unjustified to leave. That definitely didn’t throw him off. He just wasn’t attracted. 

Edited August 11, 2022 by BrinnM
Typo

[Alpacalia]

Don't limit yourself to thinking in black and white. It has no benefit for you at all.

This man is not guilty of any wrongdoing.

Are you in need of someone to walk with you to the train station?

Not at all.

It may be better to end your interest in men who are interested if you deem it poor form.

 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Which is the point. An “awesome” guy wouldn’t let his “into-his-date-ness” determine whether he would walk someone who visited his neighbourhood specifically to see him, back the extra 5 minutes to the station. It’s common decency.

You presented yourself to this man as a woman who was prepared to go by herself to a neighborhood far from her own, on a train, at night, to meet a stranger.

Why would it be tremendously out of line for him to presume that you'd be OK taking a 5 minute walk to the station after the date?  

Next time, if you're having a standard in place with which to judge a man, don't change the goalpost partway through.  If you expect him to show chivalry and enthusiasm,  he can start off on the right foot by coming at least partway to meet you.  Failing that - NEXT.

[BrinnM]

11 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

You presented yourself to this man as a woman who was prepared to go by herself to a neighborhood far from her own, on a train, at night, to meet a stranger.

 

True! But if he had cared, he would’ve probably walked her to the train station (or even driven her home), in order to appear like a gentleman. He did not do that, because he didn’t care enough what she thinks about him, so she’s got her answer. Next. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BrinnM said:

True! But if he had cared, he would’ve probably walked her to the train station (or even driven her home), in order to appear like a gentleman. He did not do that, because he didn’t care enough what she thinks about him, so she’s got her answer. Next. 

Let’s keep this in perspective - it was the first date. An introduction. I don’t know that it’s a matter of whether he cared or not - they were virtual strangers who had just met for the first time. 

Personally, I don’t think that it was unusual that he didn’t walk OP to the train. She arrived independently, he likely assumed that she was fine to leave independently too.

Edited August 12, 2022 by BaileyB

[BrinnM]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

they just shared a meal and had some conversation.

I don’t know that it’s a matter of whether he cared or not - they were virtual strangers who had just met for the first time. While it would have been gentlemanly and polite to walk her, he was under no obligation to do so

They shared a few drinks, no meal, but what i am saying is that he didn’t care whether or not he made a good impression. If he had any interest whatsoever in dating her, he would have cared what impression he was making. Even if he was unsure, he would’ve kept his options open by trying to be a gentleman. 

[poppyfields]

I think the confusion stems from the fact that during the date he appeared to be quite interested - bought another round of drinks, flirting, compliments, lots of laughter.

To me those are all indications of interest, I would not expect a man who was NOT interested to behave that way, I think I mentioned that earlier.

But then, after BB announced she had to leave with a perfectly legitimate reason, he switched and suddenly appeared like a man who was NOT interested.

Didn't bother to walk her to train (when it was SHE who made the trip to see him) no follow up phone call or text.

Which is fine, okay he's not interested, fair enough.

Now I don't know about you guys, but given his behavior DURING the date, I would be confused as well.

Wrong or right, my mind would go to he was hoping for sex (which is why he suggested she come to his area) and when it became clear that wasn't going to happen, he switched from behaving like an interested man (during the date) to a not interested man ( immediately after the date).

Let's not pretend there are not men like this out there, because there very much are.  And I don't even consider myself jaded or bitter, my dating experiences have all been good and positive for the most part.

It's just the reality of things in today's dating environment, especially when meeting on line.

Anyway, just my take FWIW.

 

Edited August 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

Since one and done is more common than not, it's time to stop wondering about his intentions etiquette, etc.

Next time, choose a place closer to you, don't let it drag on this long and follow up with a polite text if you are interested.

If it  isn't a match, simply say nice meeting you and leave it at that.

Try to improve your level of social graces and politeness including removing the nefarious motives.

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Once again thank you for your help. I feel that a new suggestion from some people on here has come about in that, I felt I “needed” help in getting back to the train station. That’s not the point here at all.

The point is thoughtfulness, in that since someone has made a trek all the way to see you, you should do the right thing and accompany them to the station. Whether you think they ‘need it’ or not is another matter. 

Courtesy is not about need, it is about decency. And it is completely independent of whether someone is attracted or not- that’s the whole essence behind decency and being a man who’s not simply led around by his d*** and letting that make the decisions for him.

I have encountered very attractive and charming men before in my younger years who have purposefully kept darker parts of their character at bay, until they got what they wanted in the physical world. After this they exposed themselves to not be the nice charming man who appealed to me and tempted me in that direction, and ofcourse left me wishing I knew who they really were before they gained access to my body. Heck I once even dated someone who would walk me to the station until he got sex, from which point he stopped being that gentleman. 

In my 32 years, I am happy to say that most of my dating experiences have been very positive. The majority of my first dates (I can only think of one other unsuccessful one actually) have been followed by the man keenly asking for a second, the same day.

The stark mixed signals from this date, which Poppyfields referred to so well, are what made me get confused and start a thread about it. Keen signs on the date, including flirtation, followed by complete withdrawal and a 180 when I had to go. I have never in my life experienced something like that. I am just glad that I unmatched him and showed him I’m not going to stick around as an option.

Edited August 12, 2022 by babybrowns

[Alpacalia]

Flirtation does not necessarily imply further interest.

The tricky thing about flirting is that it doesn't always mean that the other person is interested. Further, he could have been interested in you at the moment and was simply enjoying himself during that time. He just decided not to go any further (for whatever reason).

His interest in you will be apparent if he asks for a second date.

On a side note - If he had wanted to have sex with you, it would have been just as easy for him to arrange a meeting at a location that was a little closer to your home. It is also unclear if you thanked him or whether you said you enjoyed the date. 

The bigger picture for you seems to be that you are putting way too much emphasis on an outcome from the first date.

It's definitely disappointing, I get it. Just try to consider it a non-match.

Edited August 12, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 .I am just glad that I unmatched him and showed him I’m not going to stick around as an option.

You shouldn't even meet men who expect you to "make a trek" to meet them. If they're too lazy or indifferent or broke to go to your area, just say no.

This one and done meeting means nothing so you're not teaching him any sort of lesson by unmatching him on dating apps.

However there is a teaching moment here and that is don't trek to men in bad neighborhoods.

Edited August 12, 2022 by Wiseman2

[poppyfields]

BB, you're fine.  You're having different experiences, learning and growing.  It's all good, part of the journey.

I for one completely understand your confusion.  The compliments, the flirting, buying more drinks (thus prolonging the date), the general great vibe between you laughing and having a great time are all indications of interest, at least appearing to be, not quite sure how anyone can refute that.

[ ]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You shouldn't even meet men who expect you to "make a trek" to meet them. If they're too lazy or indifferent or broke to go to your area, just say no.

I agree with this^.  Jmo but with everything the way it went down,  I think it was obvious what this man's agenda was.  

Interested men will typically come to yours for a first meet or meet half way at a neutral spot.  That waa always my experience anyway.

If I have any advice, try and let these disappointing situations roll off.  It's not the first and certainly won't be the last.  

I've had a few myself and what kept me going was trying to see the humor of it, it was only one meet after all.

Always try and stay positive and try to never second guess yourself. 

Learn to trust your initials instincts. 

 

 

 

Edited August 12, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

that’s the whole essence behind decency and being a man who’s not simply led around by his d*** and letting that make the decisions for him.

Do you not think that this bitterness is apparent to the men you meet?  I suspect you are going to assert that none of your beliefs are apparent on a date, but given how hard it is to mask underlying feelings, I wonder if this isn't playing into your dating problems.

Nothing you have posted in this thread indicates that this man was only out to "get some" or that he was being "led around by his d***."  These are really harsh assessments of a man you say you spent an enjoyable three hours with, laughing and flirting and drinking! It seems that once you realised he wasn't interested in a second date, you needed to villainise him to take away the sting of rejection.

I would encourage you to have a more open mind about dating in general and OLD in particular.  There will be more mis-matches than matches and it's probably a good idea to go into a date with lowered expectations of finding a romantic connection. This will allow you to focus on the person in front of you without feeling a need to romanticise or demonise him, regardless whether there is a second date.

Edited August 12, 2022 by introverted1
typo

[Weezy1973]

OP, the thread started out asking if men would stay on a date for three hours even if they weren’t interested, and the consensus was yes, that’s possible. You apparently didn’t like that answer, so you then had to make him out to be some sort of evil sex hound who didn’t care if you were murdered in a gutter. Why is your ego so fragile? Can’t you just accept that he wasn’t interested and move on? It really shouldn’t be that big a deal.

 

But lastly, we’re assuming he wasn’t interested. As another poster said, the only way to know for sure is if he asks you out again. But because you’ve now painted him to be the second coming of Satan, and blocked him, you just won’t know. And to be clear, if he really was Satan, then blocking is the right thing to do.

[NuevoYorko]

One thing I think might help to clarify:

Flirting means little to nothing.  There are flirtatious people who behave in flirty ways with almost anybody they interact with.  Casual banter with someone in a dating scenario, or at parties and in bars / clubs,  is especially likely to have a flirtatious tone.  It is a decent way to break ice and casually, superficially enjoy time spent with a person you don't know and probably will never see again.  People with halfway decent social skills are good at paying attention and listening, which can make someone feel good.

It doesn't mean anyone is being "led on" or treated disingenuously and it has NO relativity to future potential.  

 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

I can say I have done this... I remember meeting this one woman at a bar/pub for a date.  During the date, she disclosed a fact that was a deal breaker for me.  I didn't get up from the bar and walk away when I heard this disclosure, as that would have been rude.  So I continued the date, laughing, conversing, buying drinks, etc. and after the appropriate time had passed, we ended the date. She went to her car and I went to mine.  I didn't want anything more to do with her and just wanted to get out of there.

[ ] 

 

Edited August 12, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote/off topic content

[BaileyB]

I once had a first date set up by friends, he told me a major deal breaker early in the conversation but we continued to enjoy our meal and said a polite goodbye - never to contact him again. 

For all we know, he simply enjoyed the opportunity to have a night out. Some people are isolated and lonely, especially after Covid. Just because he apparently decided not to follow-up, does not mean that he didn’t enjoy the evening.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

 make him out to be some sort of evil sex hound who didn’t care if you were murdered in a gutter.

Yes. All he did was not walk you to the train station or follow up. That's not great but it doesn't put him in the ax murderer bin. Calm down. Forget him and next time suggest a place nearer to you and text when you get home.

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Once again thank you all for your responses. I realise that I hadn’t answered the question that a few people are posing- no, I didn’t send him a message saying thank you for the date/ I had a great night.

This was partly because of the brief goodbye from him; I wanted to see whether he would send a message. And whenever I have been on a first date with an interested man, he’s not left me waiting for a message after the date, let alone needing me to be the first one to message a thank you in order for him to send one back if he’s keen enough.  

After being with my ex boyfriend of 3 years who didn’t care all that much and where I was the more keen one, I do not wish to get involved with another man who is not all that keen. Thus, after waiting for more than 24 hours after this first date, I unmatched this man, rendering any further communication impossible since we didn’t even exchange phone numbers. Would he have contacted me after those 24 hours, perhaps, but had the ship sailed by then for me, yes it had. I do not wish to get involved with a lukewarm man again after my experiences with my ex.

[ ] 

Edited August 12, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Foxhall]

Just reading the opening heading,

In hindsight looking back at my dating adventures over the years, one thing that frustrates me is that I often stayed and just waited for the girl to end the date rather than having the confidence and self awareness to have said enough was enough,

you live and learn perhaps.

[Lisa]

The OP has been given a number of different perspectives and you've given much to think about.  However, as it's now derailed into debating, it's time to clean it up and close it.  Thank you all for your participation.