met for first time [updated]

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, fred123 said:

i cant go im not vaccinated.she has gone from hot to cold since sunday. she was into me last 3 months and on thurs evening. now its cold

She went cold after meeting you in person and you pushing too hard for a hookup.

[fred123]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

She went cold after meeting you in person and you pushing too hard for a hookup.

she wants casual. i want more. either way she doesnt seem into me anymore. her t3xts have changed since she got back

[fred123]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You are concentrating on the tree standing in front on the forest.

There is no point hoping for a relationship with a woman that lives in another country and in which you are not even allowed to visit.

She has made that realization as well. She doesn't want to invest in you anymore. This relationship wouldn't be viable.

Time for you to find someone local.

No woman (or man) can find happiness in a video/text relationship.

damn i really liked her. not felt that way about a girl in years

[basil67]

5 hours ago, fred123 said:

its funny cos when i spoke to some of my friends they said she disrespected me by saying she was tired and wanted to sleep early. they said she just used me to hang out with here in london

Your friends are suggesting that saying "No" to sex is disrespectful to a man?   That's appalling

[Els]

4 hours ago, fred123 said:

i cant go im not vaccinated. i dont think the issue is me relocating. she has gone from hot to cold since sunday.

she was into me last 3 months and on thurs evening. now its cold

Maybe she just found out that you weren't vaccinated.

I mean seriously, why???

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, fred123 said:

she wants casual.

No. She doesn't. She wants penpals. You wanted casual. She doesn't want what you want. It's that simple. And your vaccination is not the reason. She just doesn't see a distance chat buddy as a hookup opportunity the way you hoped.

[fred123]

10 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Maybe she just found out that you weren't vaccinated.

I mean seriously, why???

lol she found out months ago

[fred123]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

No. She doesn't. She wants penpals. You wanted casual. She doesn't want what you want. It's that simple. And your vaccination is not the reason. She just doesn't see a distance chat buddy as a hookup opportunity the way you hoped.

she said on the phone the other day she wanted something casual.

penpals? what does that entail?

is she just not sexually attracted to me?

also why was she fondling me in the car on thurs night when we were getting hot and heavy. she was rubbing the outside of my trousers etc

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, fred123 said:

also why was she fondling me in the car on thurs night when we were getting hot and heavy. she was rubbing the outside of my trousers etc

Why do you spend so much energy on a woman that's in another country and shows very little interest? 

What I have quoted means nothing. Geez I've had sex with men then decided we were not a match, she can fondle, get hot and heavy all she wants THEN change her mind about you. 

[fred123]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Why do you spend so much energy on a woman that's in another country and shows very little interest? 

What I have quoted means nothing. Geez I've had sex with men then decided we were not a match, she can fondle, get hot and heavy all she wants THEN change her mind about you. 

ah she changed her mind. i wonder when exactly she changed her mind. my friends thought she played me from the start and used  me.

but interesting

[chillii]

On 8/15/2022 at 3:19 AM, fred123 said:

is it inappropriate to text or mention about cuddling for example.  saying it would be nice to cuddle one evening or something?

Who knows but the thing is , really your just degrading yourself doing so bc tbh, l don't think she's even that interested in anything much at all really,

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, fred123 said:

. my friends thought she played me from the start and used  me.

It's doesn't seem like anyone used anyone. It seems you are disappointed that she agreed to meet you while in town and you didn't hook up. Just step back. She lives in another country, you've only met once and you both had fun while she was there. Try not to be bitter about it.

 

[fred123]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's doesn't seem like anyone used anyone. It seems you are disappointed that she agreed to meet you while in town and you didn't hook up. Just step back. She lives in another country, you've only met once and you both had fun while she was there. Try not to be bitter about it.

 

she said afterwards that this is just casual and that if i liked her more we wouldnt be a good match then. Shw said she would like to see me again and show me around her city if i came.

we talked about her coming back to see me in london and watching other musicals.

If this is just casual im looking for something sexual rather than a hand holding/kissing buddy?

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, fred123 said:

 show me around her city if i came.

Why not just stay social media friends and date local available women? That way you won't spend time being upset about a nice visit that didn't meet your (unrealistic) expectations.

[fred123]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not just stay social media friends and date local available women? That way you won't spend time being upset about a nice visit that didn't meet your (unrealistic) expectations.

firstly i do date local women.

secondly i did actually genuinely like her and had a connection. we spent 4 months video calls etc etc and then had 3 long dates in london together.

i thought she felt the same and she did say we have a good connection.

what are the realistic expectations in situations like this?

genuine question guys how do i prevent this from happening?/i want to make sure that when i meet the girl like this she isnt lukewarm and actually into me rather than the fun dates we go on

[chillii]

Tbh , it's not really a matter of making sure it doesn't happen bc if it's just not quite there enough for the other to even give it a run and go out with you for awhile then nothing much will make any real difference anyway, not into anything substantial anyway.

You did the right thing and focused on somebody that really interested you it's just unfortunate that that sometimes doesn't end up going both ways.l think with this one even if she was local it probably still would've wound up same outcome .

[fred123]

22 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Why do you spend so much energy on a woman that's in another country and shows very little interest? 

What I have quoted means nothing. Geez I've had sex with men then decided we were not a match, she can fondle, get hot and heavy all she wants THEN change her mind about you. 

then if she changes her mind im allowed to say "im not feeling the sexual chemistry so goodbye"

[Gaeta]

48 minutes ago, fred123 said:

then if she changes her mind im allowed to say "im not feeling the sexual chemistry so goodbye"

And you're passive aggressive with that. 

Maybe she saw that side of you. 

[Clarity1]

On 8/10/2022 at 2:20 PM, fred123 said:

shes probably not into me tbf. her lack of response since shes got back says it all.

sucks but thats life

Any feedback from her again? How has it gone?

[basil67]

10 hours ago, fred123 said:

firstly i do date local women.

secondly i did actually genuinely like her and had a connection. we spent 4 months video calls etc etc and then had 3 long dates in london together.

i thought she felt the same and she did say we have a good connection.

what are the realistic expectations in situations like this?

genuine question guys how do i prevent this from happening?/i want to make sure that when i meet the girl like this she isnt lukewarm and actually into me rather than the fun dates we go on

You had fun dates, kissed and fooled around.  Sounds to me like she was into you, in as much as a holiday fling can be.  It's not accurate to judge woman as using you or not being into you simply because she didn't have sex with you.

 

 

Edited August 16, 2022 by basil67

[basil67]

41 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You had fun dates, kissed and fooled around.  Sounds to me like she was into you, in as much as a holiday fling can be.  It's not accurate to judge woman as using you or not being into you simply because she didn't have sex with you.

Further to what I've written here, not wanting to waste a whole lot of time and money on someone who's not compatible with us is why people advise starting out on a coffee date.   If you get to another date, make it nice but still affordable.  Don't go splashing out loads of money until you're actually a couple.   

In the case of someone coming from a distance, it's always going to be high risk because you're kind of stuck together whether it works or not.  If you're worried about giving accommodation and dates to someone who may not be into you, don't date long distance.  That said, you knew that you were unable to go to her country, so this was never going to get off the ground anyway.  

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

In the case of someone coming from a distance, it's always going to be high risk

It’s always going to be high risk because while many people may want to video chat for a while, few will want to actually put the time and money into a serious long distance relationship. Not to mention the fact that it’s high risk in that she could meet another man who is local and decide that is better than the occasional visit with her long distance boyfriend. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/14/2022 at 7:48 PM, fred123 said:

some of my friends they said she disrespected me by saying she was tired and wanted to sleep early.

This is completely absurd. A woman is not disrespecting you by not having sex with you. Your friends sound like entitled cavemen. 

23 hours ago, fred123 said:

genuine question guys how do i prevent this from happening?

By adjusting your expectations and not assuming you will have sex the first time you meet someone. It doesn't matter if you've been chatting for months (which is not a great idea either, since it builds false intimacy) Meeting in person is a different ballgame, and it's completely normal not to have sex right away. The problem is that you were exepcting sex too quickly, and confusing all that online communication for dating. She no doubt sensed you were focused on trying to get her into bed and has opted out. 

 

[glows]

23 hours ago, fred123 said:

firstly i do date local women.

secondly i did actually genuinely like her and had a connection. we spent 4 months video calls etc etc and then had 3 long dates in london together.

i thought she felt the same and she did say we have a good connection.

what are the realistic expectations in situations like this?

genuine question guys how do i prevent this from happening?/i want to make sure that when i meet the girl like this she isnt lukewarm and actually into me rather than the fun dates we go on

 

On 8/14/2022 at 12:05 PM, fred123 said:

she wants casual. i want more. either way she doesnt seem into me anymore. her t3xts have changed since she got back

Date locally. If she’s an attractive catch she won’t need to date a guy overseas. She has options where she is locally so why would she limit herself to you and do anything but casual. If you had thought it would lead to a committed relationship it was a misunderstanding. My guess is she went with it and then the romance faded after some time because distance relationships aren’t always realistic. 

[fred123]

4 hours ago, glows said:

 

Date locally. If she’s an attractive catch she won’t need to date a guy overseas. She has options where she is locally so why would she limit herself to you and do anything but casual. If you had thought it would lead to a committed relationship it was a misunderstanding. My guess is she went with it and then the romance faded after some time because distance relationships aren’t always realistic. 

question is when did the romance fade? lol