met for first time [updated]

[glows]

42 minutes ago, fred123 said:

question is when did the romance fade? lol

It feels like it matters but it really does not. I don't mean to minimize this concern because I understand you're still hurt. You'll move on quicker without being bogged down by these details. Several months chatting is some investment there so I don't blame you for feeling down and out. You'll know better next time. 

Just don't keep repeating the same thing over and over. That's a lot of life and time hanging in the balance. Meanwhile many women pass by...

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, fred123 said:

question is when did the romance fade?

When she met you in person.

[chillii]

Yep , think that's the crux of it , she still tried it out a little but just wasn't feeling it.

[fred123]

i made a post on the dating forum but think it was suitable for here. some tips for next time guys would be appreciated.

basically met a girl online talked fkr 4 months video calls etc. comes to london for an engagement party and also to see me. we have a few dates and sun evening is the only day that a hotel is booked. (before she is staying with her friends).

sun we spend the day watching a musical then go to the hotel in which she asks if im expecting to stay and then says she wants to stay by herself and doesnt feel the sexual vibe.

next day we meet to swim and lunch and again very flirty and kissing and touchy touchy.   she flies back to her country.

I did the right thing by asking her the next day that id like to see her again and that we should do a video/skype date.  I suggested that she should come here again or we meet in another countey. Her response was that she was busy tonight. nothing about planning to meet again.

 

a few days later i asked to skype again and again she said she was busy.

since she has come back she is completely different/cold. not the way she uses to be with me always texting and initiating calls etc etc.

i calledd her out on being cold and she said she doesnt think she is

[fred123]

i guess what im asking is how could i have prevented this situation etc

[stillafool]

If that girl has grown cold let her be and start dating others who warm up to you.  You can't make someone want you.  You have to find those who do.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, fred123 said:

i guess what im asking is how could i have prevented this situation etc

As I said in your other thread, your biggest problem here was mistaking texting and skyping for dating and setting your expectations too high before you'd even met. 

Sometimes we just don't feel that chemistry with someone. You couldn't have prevented that. The attraction is there, or it's not. It's not just about doing "everything right" - it's also about that spark we feel, which can't be manufactured. Next time, don't spend months talking to someone you can't meet promptly. Then you won't be as disappointed if you meet and realize it's not a match. 

[fred123]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

As I said in your other thread, your biggest problem here was mistaking texting and skyping for dating and setting your expectations too high before you'd even met. 

Sometimes we just don't feel that chemistry with someone. You couldn't have prevented that. The attraction is there, or it's not. It's not just about doing "everything right" - it's also about that spark we feel, which can't be manufactured. Next time, don't spend months talking to someone you can't meet promptly. Then you won't be as disappointed if you meet and realize it's not a match. 

yh i guess. just disappointed mate. maybe bit sad also. Surely she knows that she has gone cold and that our dynamic has changed?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, fred123 said:

Surely she knows that she has gone cold and that our dynamic has changed?

Yes, but it doesn't really make any difference, does it?

She isn't interested that way. She likely wants the dynamic to change now, precisley for that reason. She understands you are into her in a way she can't reciprocate, so she's pulling back. 

Arguing with her about it is pointless. Her actions are telling you what you need to know, which is that this isn't going to develop. 

[fred123]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, but it doesn't really make any difference, does it?

She isn't interested that way. She likely wants the dynamic to change now, precisley for that reason. She understands you are into her in a way she can't reciprocate, so she's pulling back. 

Arguing with her about it is pointless. Her actions are telling you what you need to know, which is that this isn't going to develop. 

you are right. was she polite when she said she wants to see me again?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, fred123 said:

you are right. was she polite when she said she wants to see me again?

Probably, yes. 

Many people (especally we ladies) have difficulty being direct and turning someone down when we know it will hurt them. I think she likes you okay as a friend but realized the spark isn't there for her in person. Thus, there's really no point in continuing to keep in touch and making plans to meet again when you know she doesn't have the same feelings you do. 

[fred123]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Probably, yes. 

Many people (especally we ladies) have difficulty being direct and turning someone down when we know it will hurt them. I think she likes you okay as a friend but realized the spark isn't there for her in person. Thus, there's really no point in continuing to keep in touch and making plans to meet again when you know she doesn't have the same feelings you do. 

yes you make good points. she must have been very polite to kiss me all the way to the drop off terminal and continue to text me. even when i was driving her to the airport she had her hands on me and caressing my neck.

means nothing ?

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, fred123 said:

she must have been very polite to kiss me all the way to the drop off terminal

This was not good on her - if she is not feeling it, which we assume is the case given she turned you down the previous night, she shouldn’t be kissing and flirting with you on the way to the terminal. Those are mixed signals and that’s confusing for you which is not ok.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, fred123 said:

I did the right thing by asking her the next day that id like to see her again and that we should do a video/skype date.  I suggested that she should come here again or we meet in another countey. Her response was that she was busy tonight. nothing about planning to meet again.

Just pull back. To prevent this, avoid distance chatting or trying to hook up on the first meet. You're disappointed because she acted nice but is not interested in what you want. Just because she was flirty, it doesn't mean she wanted sex on the first meet.

Edited August 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, fred123 said:

yes you make good points. she must have been very polite to kiss me all the way to the drop off terminal and continue to text me. even when i was driving her to the airport she had her hands on me and caressing my neck.

means nothing ?

Surely, you should have mentioned this in the original post?

Did anything else happen between you that you've neglected to mention? It's hard to give someone advice when we don't have a full sense of what happened.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, fred123 said:

she must have been very polite to kiss me all the way to the drop off terminal and continue to text me. even when i was driving her to the airport she had her hands on me and caressing my neck.

means nothing ?

When you leave out critical information in your post, how can make an accurate assessment? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

This was not good on her - if she is not feeling it, which we assume is the case given she turned you down the previous night, she shouldn’t be kissing and flirting with you on the way to the terminal. Those are mixed signals and that’s confusing for you which is not ok.

So either she was sending mixed signals or she just wasn’t ready to have sex with you - but given the fact that she’s not texting the same way that she was prior to the weekend, I would say that she decided she didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with you and as such, she shouldn’t be kissing and caressing you. 

I agree with wiseman, if an intimate sexual relationship is what you are seeing distance chatting is not the best way to go about finding what you want. Very few women are going to want to have sex on the first meet. 

[fred123]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

So either she was sending mixed signals or she just wasn’t ready to have sex with you - but given the fact that she’s not texting the same way that she was prior to the weekend, I would say that she decided she didn’t want to have a sexual relationship with you and as such, she shouldn’t be kissing and caressing you. 

I agree with wiseman, if an intimate sexual relationship is what you are seeing distance chatting is not the best way to go about finding what you want. Very few women are going to want to have sex on the first meet. 

i wanted an actual rship.

ok well i messaged her saying id like to take her to "city in UK"  in oct/nov for a weekend. 

she texted back saying "i dont think its a good idea seeing as we dont feel the same way for each other"

[fred123]

8 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Surely, you should have mentioned this in the original post?

Did anything else happen between you that you've neglected to mention? It's hard to give someone advice when we don't have a full sense of what happened.

well the days i saw her there was always hand holding, kissing, stroking/touching the arm and legs and just coupley affectionate stuff.

She mentioned a couple of times that she would like to see me again. But i have feelings for her

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, fred123 said:

ok well i messaged her saying id like to take her to "city in UK"  in oct/nov for a weekend. 

she texted back saying "i dont think its a good idea seeing as we dont feel the same way for each other"

There is your answer. She is not interested. For whatever reason, she is not interested. So, you need to cut contact and definitely, do not invest any more money in this relationship (ie. no meeting up again in another city). 

[fred123]

Just now, BaileyB said:

There is your answer. She is not interested. For whatever reason, she is not interested. So, you need to cut contact and definitely, do not invest any more money in this relationship (ie. no meeting up again in another city). 

yep its over. i asked once and thats it.

she doesnt feel the same way.

funny how before we met how into me she was 😂😂. women hey?

[fred123]

Just now, fred123 said:

yep its over. i asked once and thats it.

she doesnt feel the same way.

funny how before we met how into me she was 😂😂. women hey?

how do u stop this "love bombing" from a girl in this situation?

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, fred123 said:

how do u stop this "love bombing" from a girl in this situation?

Delete and block her.  Surely you could have thought of this yourself, right?  🙂

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, fred123 said:

funny how before we met how into me she was 😂😂. women hey?

This isn't a women thing. 

This was two people getting carried away in an online fantasy. It's precisely why you should not spend so much time chatting anf Skyping with someone you can't meet promptly, because it builds false intimacy and gives you unrealistic expectations. 

As you can see, it didn't work well offline. You weren't love-bombed; you just didn't use your best judgement in realizing you can't build glass castles in the sky with someone you have never met in person. Remember that in the future. Stick to women you can meet quickly, who live in your area. 

[fred123]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't a women thing. 

This was two people getting carried away in an online fantasy. It's precisely why you should not spend so much time chatting anf Skyping with someone you can't meet promptly, because it builds false intimacy and gives you unrealistic expectations. 

As you can see, it didn't work well offline. You weren't love-bombed; you just didn't use your best judgement in realizing you can't build glass castles in the sky with someone you have never met in person. Remember that in the future. Stick to women you can meet quickly, who live in your area. 

the sad thing is i thought we got on really well the few days here together.

just hurts how she has gone cold and thrown away 5 months of investment like i meant nothing lol