met for first time [updated]

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, fred123 said:

she has gone cold and thrown away 5 months of investment like i meant nothing

Cyberchatting is not really an investment. More of a pastime. She never met you before. It's not realistic to think there would be any investment.

 If you would like to invest in yourself and someone, get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting Local women. Let this go.

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, fred123 said:

just hurts how she has gone cold and thrown away 5 months of investment like i meant nothing lol

It's normal that it stings. 

But this is why you should never view chatting online as an investment. Unless you meet in person, it's a virtual penpal, and shouldn't be taken as a potential relationship. You don't know how (or if) you will mesh in person and sometimes it's a miss, as this one was.

This is why you shoud avoid these months-long cyber situations in future, and focus on meeting women who live near you. Don't waste time with women who don't even live in your country. 

[fred123]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's normal that it stings. 

But this is why you should never view chatting online as an investment. Unless you meet in person, it's a virtual penpal, and shouldn't be taken as a potential relationship. You don't know how (or if) you will mesh in person and sometimes it's a miss, as this one was.

This is why you shoud avoid these months-long cyber situations in future, and focus on meeting women who live near you. Don't waste time with women who don't even live in your country. 

yes i wont do that again. but out of curiosity wouldnt she be feeling the same? hasnt she invested? wasnt she hoping it would work and she would feel the same? 

also should i have talked to her about all this before she flew down?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, fred123 said:

but out of curiosity wouldnt she be feeling the same? hasnt she invested? wasnt she hoping it would work and she would feel the same? 

Not necessarily, no. Why would she? 

She isn't you, Fred. She told you herself she didn't have the same feelings as you, so for her, it's not accompanied by the same sense of loss and disappointment. She is okay to let this go, and is probably hoping you do so, too.  It seems she wasn't as tied up in her feelings over this as you are, and was probably more realistic with herself that it might be a match or it might be a miss. 

9 minutes ago, fred123 said:

should i have talked to her about all this before she flew down?

No, because there is no way she could have predicted before even meeting you how you she would feel once you actually spent time together. That's like asking for a guarantee you will need your umbrella when nobody can actually predict the weather with total accuracy. You have to remember that before meeting, anything is possible and there are no guarantees as to how things will go. It's the risk you take when you get overly-invested in a stranger. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, fred123 said:

 wasnt she hoping it would work and she would feel the same? 

It did "work" for her. She got a free tour guide and had some fun. It didn't "work" for you because she said no to your attempt at hooking up/staying in her hotel  room upon meeting. She did not specifically fly down to meet you and you know this. She had other friends/business in town. 

If you would like more success with dating avoid longshots like this.

Edited August 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[fred123]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It did "work" for her. She got a free tour guide and had some fun. It didn't "work" for you because she said no to your attempt at hooking up/staying in her hotel  room upon meeting. She did not specifically fly down to meet you and you know this. She had other friends/business in town. 

If you would like more success with dating avoid longshots like this.

spoke to a girl mate of mine and she said that she was leading me on with her physical affectionate behaviour etc.

[glows]

40 minutes ago, fred123 said:

spoke to a girl mate of mine and she said that she was leading me on with her physical affectionate behaviour etc.

Sure. Why not? It might have seemed fun in the moment but unless someone is agreeing to date you consistently and you have deepening intimacy emotionally and physically this is a big nothing. It doesn’t matter so much what your friends think. What matters is what she thinks. This didn’t work and it’s ok to leave it behind and date someone else.

[ExpatInItaly]

42 minutes ago, fred123 said:

spoke to a girl mate of mine and she said that she was leading me on with her physical affectionate behaviour etc.

I'm a woman too and I don't totally agree with this. 

You seem to think all this physical affection should lead to sex or a relationship (or both). It's possible that she was fine fooling around a bit but didn't want to go all the way with you, Fred. And that's her prerogative. 

Look, you two had some fun but that's where it ends. I know you're bummed but you can't let the fantasy run away with you. She didn't owe you anything, just as you don't owe her anything. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, fred123 said:

spoke to a girl mate of mine and she said that she was leading me on with her physical affectionate behaviour etc.

You lead yourself on with the notion that spending inordinate time, money, energy on someone leads to sex upon meeting. That's not how it works. You meet a few times, be moderate and temperate in your pacing and spending and either she sleeps with you if there's mutual attraction...or not. That's why you date local women, so you can build rapport in person on dates. Your friends may be so tired of still hearing about this encounter that they'll just concede and tell you what you wish to hear.

Edited August 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[fred123]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You lead yourself on with the notion that spending inordinate time, money, energy on someone leads to sex upon meeting. That's not how it works. You meet a few times, be moderate and temperate in your pacing and spending and either she sleeps with you if there's mutual attraction...or not. That's why you date local women, so you can build rapport in person on dates. Your friends may be so tired of still hearing about this encounter that they'll just concede and tell you what you wish to hear.

im trying to learn from all this. 

i have a few qs if u dont mind guys.

1) should i have asked her before she flew in whether she saw this as casual or something more?

2) last week over the phone she said it was always casual as she never wanted to do the long distance thing. (casual means what exactly?)

3. Should i have never spoken or video called as much as i did and told her to slow down our communication?

4. I was ill on antibioitcs for a few days and she knew i was ill. for 3/4 days not once did she text me or ask me how i was feeling. is that a red flag??

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, fred123 said:

1) should i have asked her before she flew in whether she saw this as casual or something more?

2) last week over the phone she said it was always casual as she never wanted to do the long distance thing. (casual means what exactly?)

3. Should i have never spoken or video called as much as i did and told her to slow down our communication?

4. I was ill on antibioitcs for a few days and she knew i was ill. for 3/4 days not once did she text me or ask me how i was feeling. is that a red flag??

1. No, it was obvious it was a casual first meeting.

2. That makes sense. Distance is a headache you don't need.

3. You can't tell people what to do but you can stop talking to distance women for months on end.

4. She is Not and Never was your GF. Why don't your local friends/family concern themselves with your issues?

[BrinnM]

3 hours ago, fred123 said:

1) should i have asked her before she flew in whether she saw this as casual or something more?

2) last week over the phone she said it was always casual as she never wanted to do the long distance thing. (casual means what exactly?)

3. Should i have never spoken or video called as much as i did and told her to slow down our communication?

4. I was ill on antibioitcs for a few days and she knew i was ill. for 3/4 days not once did she text me or ask me how i was feeling. is that a red flag??

1) No - too much pressure b4 the first meet

2) casual = no RL, or a loose RL or a friendship/FWB (and she’s Dutch, so there’s also the language barrier; she definitely meant that she never had the intention to properly date you or get into a LD-R with you with future plans and stuff; that’s how she translates “casual”)

3) not necessarily; I don’t think the frequency of your video calls made a major difference (the real meeting and spending time together in RL was what mattered the most)

4) not a great sign if she doesn’t care about how you feel and how you’re doing healthwise, but what do you expect - she’s neither a close friend nor a GF nor a family member, so 🤷🏼‍♀️

 

Edited August 20, 2022 by BrinnM

[fred123]

On 8/20/2022 at 9:48 PM, BrinnM said:

1) No - too much pressure b4 the first meet

2) casual = no RL, or a loose RL or a friendship/FWB (and she’s Dutch, so there’s also the language barrier; she definitely meant that she never had the intention to properly date you or get into a LD-R with you with future plans and stuff; that’s how she translates “casual”)

3) not necessarily; I don’t think the frequency of your video calls made a major difference (the real meeting and spending time together in RL was what mattered the most)

4) not a great sign if she doesn’t care about how you feel and how you’re doing healthwise, but what do you expect - she’s neither a close friend nor a GF nor a family member, so 🤷🏼‍♀️

 

actually i have some points to comr back at you guys with:).

surely im allowed to ask if she saw this as casual or not. because if she never did then im allowed to make my own decision whether to see her or not.

2) if she always saw this as casual then her behaviour doesnt match it. video/phone calling consistently. holding hands acting like a girlfriend when shes here.

3). a girl who is into me id expect to message me within 4 days to see how im feeling. These are my standards and im allowed to have them

[fred123]

On 8/20/2022 at 6:57 PM, Wiseman2 said:

1. No, it was obvious it was a casual first meeting.

2. That makes sense. Distance is a headache you don't need.

3. You can't tell people what to do but you can stop talking to distance women for months on end.

4. She is Not and Never was your GF. Why don't your local friends/family concern themselves with your issues?

to talk about point 4. i was never her bf but she talked to me about her job issues and she was promised a promotion and then they gave it to someone else and she was upset. I talked to her about her options etc etc.

Why would i concern myself with that if shes just casual?!

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, fred123 said:

surely im allowed to ask if she saw this as casual or not. because if she never did then im allowed to make my own decision whether to see her or not.

Asking someone this before they have acutally met you is useless, Fred. 

There is no way someone can know ahead of time how they feel when they actually see you and interact with you offline. There is no way one can know if they will want to pursure something more when you have never spent time together in person. Asking a question like that will not necessarily yield you an answer you can hold someone to. That's all. 

3 hours ago, fred123 said:

a girl who is into me id expect to message me within 4 days to see how im feeling

And that should have told you she wasn't invested like you were. 

[fred123]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Asking someone this before they have acutally met you is useless, Fred. 

There is no way someone can know ahead of time how they feel when they actually see you and interact with you offline. There is no way one can know if they will want to pursure something more when you have never spent time together in person. Asking a question like that will not necessarily yield you an answer you can hold someone to. That's all. 

And that should have told you she wasn't invested like you were. 

actually in this particular situation apparently she only wanted casual and i knew about that after we met. Is this possible she only ever wanted casual?

some people are not interested in LDRs. 

 

[basil67]

Did the two of you ever make plans beyond the holiday?

[fred123]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Did the two of you ever make plans beyond the holiday?

yes during the holiday vague plans about meeting again. she wanted to meet again. she said i shud get a jab to go netherlands

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, fred123 said:

yes during the holiday vague plans about meeting again. she wanted to meet again. she said i shud get a jab to go netherlands

Ok, so it sounds like she'd be open to more if you can share the travelling with her.  This is quite fair on her part.

[fred123]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ok, so it sounds like she'd be open to more if you can share the travelling with her.  This is quite fair on her part.

well 2 days after she left i mentioned about meeting up in another country or she should come back here.  

no reply.

the rest of the week i made effort to ask her for skype etc and again cold responses.

2 requests on separate days about skype/zoom calls and both times "im busy with friends"  response.

[fred123]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ok, so it sounds like she'd be open to more if you can share the travelling with her.  This is quite fair on her part.

well not really. she def not open to more as she said a few days ago that she only wants casual.

i asked her this question on the phone 

me :" are you interested in me?"

her: " interested in you as a person, yes"

[basil67]

Ok then, there's your answer ^

[fred123]

Just now, basil67 said:

Ok then, there's your answer ^

ok i guess so. but why suggest and say i want to see u again, get a jab and il show u around

[basil67]

Probably because she wants to see you as a friend.   

[BrinnM]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Probably because she wants to see you as a friend.   

Yes, and don’t forget that people say all kinds of things. Actions speak louder than words, always.