Hurt and sad about exs behaviour

[eahlswithorv85]

My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 10 weeks ago asking that I didn't contact him for 3 months. I told him I respected his decision and went no contact. After 7 weeks we bumped into each other and I was out with friends. We had small talk and referenced how it had been difficult but overall it was ok and we were moving on. Another week on and we see each other again at another pub. This time he walked me home and we talked for hours. He wanted to come into my flat but I didn't think it was as good idea for obvious reasons. When I said no he suggested I'd had another guy or evidence of another guy there. I mean I'm single so I can do what I want but hadn't in actual fact been with anyone following our breakup.

I eventually let him in but he left shortly after. The following day he came over again to talk some more stating he'd like to get back together but only if I stayed living in the area. He knew I was moving before we got together and this had been coming for me for a long time. I had hoped we'd have gone together if the relationship had developed in the that direction. When I told him I wasn't going to stay he said couldn't we just see each other until I left as I'd be denying my feelings and heart if I didn't just be with him until that time. I couldn't do that as for me I still loved him very much and was still very much trying to heal from the breakup so I couldn't just go back and have that again. He told me I wasn't being genuine or authentic to my feelings by not going back to him and also said he expected that I'd ask to get back together after he broke it off with me. He even expected that I'd show up at his gig.

I made a bad decision and spoke with him again the following week. After reiterating I couldn't just slip into a casual relationship with him I then listened to a mountain of accusations about how I'd caused him to be paranoid and anxious during our relationship and that most his therapy was talking about me and the relationship. I was then accused of potentially being a narcissist or have borderline personality disorder and he proceeded to throw in examples of my bad behaviour and how he'd deduced this over the period of our relationship. I had no idea this was coming and to be honest just sat on the other end of the phone at 3am listening to everything he had to say. At one point he even he he'd dreamed that he'd come and find me after I moved so we could be together.

When he'd initially broken up with me the reasons were around his general unhappiness, lack of money, poor relationship with his parents and his MS so this came out of nowhere.

I know I'm not perfect. I have my walls up on occasion and there are instances where I find it difficult to empathise (usually when it's a situation I have no experience or knowledge over). I've gone over every little thing with my therapist telling her everything he said I'd done wrong and I told her I was concerned he might be right. She told me I'm no different to anyone else and that what was happening was after I didn't accept his offer of short term until I left he felt out of control so needed to punish me by putting the blame on me and questionning myself.

I feel like my heart has been put through the ringer and although I've been told he manipulated me I still hate to think I might have caused some of his pain - maybe that's completely bonkers! 

I have gone back to no contact and blocked him from all avenues as he said he originally wanted.

I can't believe this happened and I just took everything he said to me without fighting back.

I'm also now more nervous about seeing him in public and of course I don't want to be, I want to be strong and happy and just living my life knowing I'm better off without him but now I've been told all this it's like I feel he's dangerous and might try to suck me back in again.

All thoughts and shared stories welcome

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, natalia1985 said:

  I feel he's dangerous and might try to suck me back in again.

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? How old is he?

If you think he's "dangerous" it would be best to avoid his hangouts and delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

As long as you maintain contact, run-ins and chitchat the pain will just be prolonged and drag out into an on off situation.

[eahlswithorv85]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? How old is he?

If you think he's "dangerous" it would be best to avoid his hangouts and delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

As long as you maintain contact, run-ins and chitchat the pain will just be prolonged and drag out into an on off situation.

Hey, we were together about 7 months. he's just turned 30 and I'm 36.

The breakup from his side (from what he initially told me) was about him feeling unhappy both with me and in his life in general. He told me his mum victimisers herself and brings him down with her. He lives with his parents due to working part-time (at the time) and he tells me they argue a lot often waking him up at 5am. He told me his MS is getting worse and he's constantly anxious and feels like he wants to escape his life, quitting his job and leaving everything behind. 

He has a few friends in the area but only on mutual friend who has told me he's found it difficult when my ex has continually reached out to him to talk about his situation and his frustration with our relationship telling him he does and doesn't want to be with me.

I am no expert so it's not like I can badge him as a narcissist or anything but to tell me I should have gone after him to get him back after he ended things when I wanted to do the adult thing and respect his decision to breakup and take space it's like some kind of game. I'm sure if I had chased I'd have been accused of stalking or not letting him move on.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, natalia1985 said:

Hey, we were together about 7 months. he's just turned 30 and I'm 36. He lives with his parents.

Ok. It's a complete mismatch on so many levels. So delete and block him. You dodged a bullet.

[eahlswithorv85]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. It's a complete mismatch on so many levels. So delete and block him. You dodged a bullet.

Would you mind clarifying what you mean by mismatch, in what way do you mean? 

My therapist said its that I'm a self sufficient independent woman with a career and that was appealing to him but ultimately through his own demons he couldn't deal with that so tried to drag me down to his level so he could feel superior.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, natalia1985 said:

 My therapist said ...ultimately through his own demons he couldn't deal with that so tried to drag me down to his level so he could feel superior.

Don't chase uninterested men, men you don't respect, men you call narcissistic, men you think are dangerous and so on. Stop all contact. Your therapist should be helping you feel better, not wasting your time analysing him.

[eahlswithorv85]

Thank you for your reply and you're right I need to stop analysing him and just heal and move on.

[stillafool]

On 8/10/2022 at 4:56 AM, eahlswithorv85 said:

I'm also now more nervous about seeing him in public and of course I don't want to be, I want to be strong and happy and just living my life knowing I'm better off without him but now I've been told all this it's like I feel he's dangerous and might try to suck me back in again.

All thoughts and shared stories welcome

Yes I think it would do you good to stay away from places and events you know he will attend for a while in order to protect your heart and not fall back into this.  The only way to get over him is to not see or talk to him.  You cannot be in contact in any way and expect to put this behind you because you want him back.  You have to let go.

[stillafool]

On 8/10/2022 at 5:58 AM, eahlswithorv85 said:

Would you mind clarifying what you mean by mismatch, in what way do you mean? 

My therapist said its that I'm a self sufficient independent woman with a career and that was appealing to him but ultimately through his own demons he couldn't deal with that so tried to drag me down to his level so he could feel superior.

Yes it could be that or he just lost interest.  No reflection on you, it happens all the time in relationships.  Most 30 year old men are still dating 22 year olds and aren't nearly as mature as a 36 year old woman.  So I'm sure he was impressed with you.

[glows]

On 8/10/2022 at 1:56 AM, eahlswithorv85 said:

My ex boyfriend broke up with me about 10 weeks ago asking that I didn't contact him for 3 months. I told him I respected his decision and went no contact. After 7 weeks we bumped into each other and I was out with friends. We had small talk and referenced how it had been difficult but overall it was ok and we were moving on. Another week on and we see each other again at another pub. This time he walked me home and we talked for hours. He wanted to come into my flat but I didn't think it was as good idea for obvious reasons. When I said no he suggested I'd had another guy or evidence of another guy there. I mean I'm single so I can do what I want but hadn't in actual fact been with anyone following our breakup.

I eventually let him in but he left shortly after. The following day he came over again to talk some more stating he'd like to get back together but only if I stayed living in the area. He knew I was moving before we got together and this had been coming for me for a long time. I had hoped we'd have gone together if the relationship had developed in the that direction. When I told him I wasn't going to stay he said couldn't we just see each other until I left as I'd be denying my feelings and heart if I didn't just be with him until that time. I couldn't do that as for me I still loved him very much and was still very much trying to heal from the breakup so I couldn't just go back and have that again. He told me I wasn't being genuine or authentic to my feelings by not going back to him and also said he expected that I'd ask to get back together after he broke it off with me. He even expected that I'd show up at his gig.

I made a bad decision and spoke with him again the following week. After reiterating I couldn't just slip into a casual relationship with him I then listened to a mountain of accusations about how I'd caused him to be paranoid and anxious during our relationship and that most his therapy was talking about me and the relationship. I was then accused of potentially being a narcissist or have borderline personality disorder and he proceeded to throw in examples of my bad behaviour and how he'd deduced this over the period of our relationship. I had no idea this was coming and to be honest just sat on the other end of the phone at 3am listening to everything he had to say. At one point he even he he'd dreamed that he'd come and find me after I moved so we could be together.

When he'd initially broken up with me the reasons were around his general unhappiness, lack of money, poor relationship with his parents and his MS so this came out of nowhere.

I know I'm not perfect. I have my walls up on occasion and there are instances where I find it difficult to empathise (usually when it's a situation I have no experience or knowledge over). I've gone over every little thing with my therapist telling her everything he said I'd done wrong and I told her I was concerned he might be right. She told me I'm no different to anyone else and that what was happening was after I didn't accept his offer of short term until I left he felt out of control so needed to punish me by putting the blame on me and questionning myself.

I feel like my heart has been put through the ringer and although I've been told he manipulated me I still hate to think I might have caused some of his pain - maybe that's completely bonkers! 

I have gone back to no contact and blocked him from all avenues as he said he originally wanted.

I can't believe this happened and I just took everything he said to me without fighting back.

I'm also now more nervous about seeing him in public and of course I don't want to be, I want to be strong and happy and just living my life knowing I'm better off without him but now I've been told all this it's like I feel he's dangerous and might try to suck me back in again.

All thoughts and shared stories welcome

He was disrespecting your boundaries and butthurt before you ever invited him in or felt pressured to do so. Making comments about other men is grotesquely out of line. Sadly he’ll have to work through his own issues without contacting you and vice versa. I get it - you were feeling nostalgia perhaps and some affection left over from the relationship when you contacted him but his requests or demands weren’t appropriate or handled well. Move on with the rest of your life and don’t look back at this one unless to remember what kind of person not to be with in future. 

[ShyViolet]

This guy is disrespectful and toxic and you need to cut him out of your life for good.  

On 8/10/2022 at 4:56 AM, eahlswithorv85 said:

I'm also now more nervous about seeing him in public and of course I don't want to be, I want to be strong and happy and just living my life knowing I'm better off without him but now I've been told all this it's like I feel he's dangerous and might try to suck me back in again.

This only happens if you allow it...... which you're not going to do.  You are in control of your own actions, he can't just "suck you back in."  If you run into him, you very coldly say "hi" and then walk away.  

[eahlswithorv85]

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

This guy is disrespectful and toxic and you need to cut him out of your life for good.  

This only happens if you allow it...... which you're not going to do.  You are in control of your own actions, he can't just "suck you back in."  If you run into him, you very coldly say "hi" and then walk away.  

Thank you for your reply. A few things finally clicked for me at the weekend after spending time with friends. I wonder it's taken so long for me to really realise what was going on this whole time and I think how I'd been so blind as to not see what or who he was. Thank you for your empowering 'this only happens if you allow it..... which you're not going to do' and I'm not. My plans for moving away are ongoing so I hope to have a date this week (fingers crossed). I have everyone routing for me and supporting me and don't know what I would have done without that support network. 

I have another social gathering on Friday and a mini festival coming up so all nice things with good people to look forward to and eventually his memory will fade and I know I'll never bump into him again

All the best

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, eahlswithorv85 said:

and I know I'll never bump into him again

You don't know if you'll ever bump into him again but if you do, you won't be afraid and will knoew how to handle it.  Say hello, and keep it moving.  It's that simple.