Trying an open relationship?

[AmyHershaw]

I've been in a FWB relationship with this guy for about three months, but we've got feelings for each other. Since the beginning, he's told me he's polyamorous and into swinging and wants an open relationship. He knows I've only ever been in monogamous relationships and has said he'd take it slow with me. He's only been in monogamous relationships too, but he said he always felt like there was something missing and he fell for other people. Part of me thinks I can do it as we've been seeing other people casually anyway and the other part of me is unsure since it's not something I've ever done before. I told him my biggest worry is him liking someone more than me and pushing me out and he said that would never happen and it'd be equal. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, AmyHershaw said:

I told him my biggest worry is him liking someone more than me and pushing me out and he said that would never happen and it'd be equal. 

I think your main worry should be your feelings for him growing more and wanting to be monogamous with him, while he doesn’t want to. And would you be okay with being “equal” to the other women? Or would you need to be “first”?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AmyHershaw said:

I've been in a FWB relationship with this guy for about three month. he's told me he's polyamorous and into swinging and wants an open relationship. I told him my biggest worry is him liking someone more than me and pushing me out 

FWB is already an open no-strings-attached relationship . Unfortunately this won't end well since you're not being true to yourself that you would actually prefer a committed one-on-one monogamous relationship. Sleeping with and dating others is already "pushing you out". He's simply not to right man/relationship/situation for you.

[poppyfields]

10 hours ago, AmyHershaw said:

I told him my biggest worry is him liking someone more than me and pushing me out and he said that would never happen.

Amy, the bolded part (in my humble opinion) tells me straight away the guy is full of 'you know what'.   I know why he said it, he likes having you around at the moment but the reality is no one can predict the future or what will happen down the road.

I would never ask a man a question like that, not even my own husband.  It wreaks of insecurity but more importantly, there are never ever any guarantees in any relationship, so asking that question is asking to be lied to as it's a rare man (or woman) who would answer truthfully - that they simply don't know what will happen in the future, down the road.  

Yes, there is a very strong possibility he will encounter a woman he likes more than you

With an open relationship, the risk of that is much greater than in a standard monogamous relationship.

It's a risk you must be willing to take and be OKAY with whatever happens otherwise it's not going to work for you.

Edited August 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[central]

I've been in an open relationship for 22 years, after being monogamous prior to that.  Yes, there are risks, but not much more than in monogamous relationships - people cheat, divorce, take you for granted, lose interest in sex, or whatever.  Could he meet someone he likes more?  Perhaps, but so could you.  Does that mean the end of THIS relationship?  Probably not if you are polyamorous or truly into keeping all such relationships open.  Often, meeting someone new can be intense, so you may feel concerned if that happens to him, but that initial intensity passes, and stability returns.  It will be okay.  In my case, we eventually got married, and have the best relationship of anyone we know, yet we've both had other relationships come and go (and will have more, no doubt), we've had FWB, we've tried swinging, and here we are, still happy and together.  It hasn't always been easy, but it has always been worthwhile.

If you can't handle open/poly relationships, then you should be monogamous, but that is unlikely to work with this guy.

[glows]

Amy,

I reread your previous thread in June and to see if there was additional info on the man you’re seeing. Is this the same man as the one who was abusive, controlling and called you names? If it’s the other person you were seeing (your FWB also at the time) I think it’s best to tread carefully and be open with one another. 

The only way you’ll both build trust is by being honest and open. If you’re not comfortable with anything speak about things. Don’t be afraid to walk away if it’s not working for you.

Edited August 11, 2022 by glows

[BaileyB]

This doesn’t sound like an open or polyamorous relationship to me. This seems very one sided to me. Your post reads like a woman who has developed feelings for a man and wants to be in a monogamous relationship and a man who wants to keep the sex flowing while also playing the field/having other relationships. This is not going to work, for obvious reasons.

Edited August 13, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

I  agree with Bailey that this guy is only interested in what he wants sexually and may very well fall for the new girl he calls in for the threesome or make her his new FWB because she's more open sexually than you.  Never let a man persuade you to do something sexually that you aren't comfortable with.   Also I don't see how you can enjoy this 3some when you'll be in a state of jealousy from the beginning.  Let this guy go and get another FWB who respects you.  From your past posts he hasn't been very nice to you at all.

[AmyHershaw]

On 8/10/2022 at 7:07 PM, Weezy1973 said:

I think your main worry should be your feelings for him growing more and wanting to be monogamous with him, while he doesn’t want to. And would you be okay with being “equal” to the other women? Or would you need to be “first”?

I understand what you're saying, I'm not gonna try and be monogamous with him because he won't be happy with it since he's polyamorous. Open relationships have been something I've considered previously. I suppose I'm not gonna know till I try it.

[AmyHershaw]

On 8/11/2022 at 9:01 PM, glows said:

Amy,

I reread your previous thread in June and to see if there was additional info on the man you’re seeing. Is this the same man as the one who was abusive, controlling and called you names? If it’s the other person you were seeing (your FWB also at the time) I think it’s best to tread carefully and be open with one another. 

The only way you’ll both build trust is by being honest and open. If you’re not comfortable with anything speak about things. Don’t be afraid to walk away if it’s not working for you.

No, the guy who was abusive and I cut off contact with each other. This is the guy who I was fwb with at the time. And thank you for advice, I'm not gonna rush into making a decision that I might later come to regret.

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said:

, I'm not gonna try and be monogamous with him because he won't be happy with it since he's polyamorous. Open relationships have been something I've considered previously. I suppose I'm not gonna know till I try it.

This is it, you are more worried about what will and won't make him happy rather than what you want.  If you get jealous of the 3rd party you aren't looking at him as a FWB but more of a bf, which he is not.   If this is something you really want to do I say go for it.

[AmyHershaw]

44 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I  agree with Bailey that this guy is only interested in what he wants sexually and may very well fall for the new girl he calls in for the threesome or make her his new FWB because she's more open sexually than you.  Never let a man persuade you to do something sexually that you aren't comfortable with.   Also I don't see how you can enjoy this 3some when you'll be in a state of jealousy from the beginning.  Let this guy go and get another FWB who respects you.  From your past posts he hasn't been very nice to you at all.

I've never been uncomfortable with anything I've participated in sexually with him. I don't feel jealous when I'm present, but sometimes I do get jealous when we're apart and I know he's doing stuff with another woman. He said he also gets jealous sometimes when he knows I'm doing stuff with someone else. And it's not the guy who was verbally abusive, it's the other guy who I was fwb with at the time. 

[Rider on the Storm]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

This doesn’t sound like an open or polyamorous relationship to me. This seems very one sided to me. Your post reads like a woman who has developed feelings for a man and wants to be in a monogamous relationship and a man who wants to keep the sex flowing while also playing the field/having other relationships. This is not going to work, for obvious reasons.

My thoughts exactly.

Unfortunately, the OP reads more like, "My feeling for him are much deeper than his feelings for me and I'm contemplating settling for that".

If open relationships was never on your list of to-do's prior to this, I think you would be best served to move on.

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said:

I do get jealous when we're apart and I know he's doing stuff with another woman. He said he also gets jealous sometimes when he knows I'm doing stuff with someone else.

Well then, an open relationship is not going to work for you both. 

[AmyHershaw]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

This doesn’t sound like an open or polyamorous relationship to me. This seems very one sided to me. Your post reads like a woman who has developed feelings for a man and wants to be in a monogamous relationship and a man who wants to keep the sex flowing while also playing the field/having other relationships. This is not going to work, for obvious reasons.

It's complicated because I'm not entirely opposed to it, but because I've only ever been in monogamous relationships, I don't know how I'll be with it. With my previous relationship, there was a point where I suggested bringing another woman in. He's said he understands and respects the fact that I'm unsure and won't pressure me into anything.

[AmyHershaw]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Well then, an open relationship is not going to work for you both. 

Apparently according to other people I've spoken to who have been in open relationships, that's normal and it's something you get used to.

[Rider on the Storm]

6 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said:

Apparently according to other people I've spoken to who have been in open relationships, that's normal and it's something you get used to.

Would it be fair to say that  you are trying to convince yourself that having him in some capacity is better than not at all more so than it is a personal desire of yours to be in an open relationship?

When in all probability this doesn't work out, it will be hard to fault him. He is telling you outright that he likes you enough to sleep with you, but not enough for anything more than that. If you are ok with that, then maybe proceed. If you're hoping that things could change in time, find someone who likes and values you more.

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Rider on the Storm said:

Would it be fair to say that  you are trying to convince yourself that having him in some capacity is better than not at all more so than it is a personal desire of yours to be in an open relationship?

This is pretty much how it reads to this board OP.  You are trying to keep him happy in order to hold on to him.  If this was something you really wanted to do for yourself I doubt you would be here.  You be revved up to do it.

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said:

Apparently according to other people I've spoken to who have been in open relationships, that's normal and it's something you get used to.

Except that you are not actually in a relationship with the man. I’ve never been in an open relationships myself, but from what I understand to be in a successful open relationship it takes a great deal of trust, communication, and respect. And while jealousy may be normal and valid given the circumstances, how are you going to support each other when you are not actually in a committed relationship with the man? How are you going to vet your partners? How are you going to be safe - is everyone going to be tested regularly for stds? These are some of the things you should be thinking and talking about, and this seems to me to be a lot for a couple who are FWB. Again, this to me sounds like two people who like each other but not enough to actually commit to being in a relationship with each other - who also want to have sex with other people. And to be honest, it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you feel the same way because he has made his feelings/intentions well known. If that’s enough for you, then proceed. But, if you have feelings for the man and you get jealous when he is with another woman I would ask you - is this really the “relationship” that you want for yourself? 

Edited August 13, 2022 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

I believe you will have the same relationship that you have right now, only with a different label.  FWB with a person you have certain feelings for which are not reciprocated by the man.  It will hurt more, though.  

 

[central]

There are mono/poly relationships that work, so you could be monogamous while he is not.  However, you'd have to be okay with this, but I'm not getting the sense that would work for you, and it's far from clear that HE works for you beyond the present moment, if that.

[smackie9]

Hey give it a shot....if you don't like it for whatever reason don't try to "fix" it, just end it. Remember it's not just about the "type" of relationship, IMO it's more about the person you are with and how they handle it. They might not be the right one for you no matter what.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, AmyHershaw said:

He said he also gets jealous sometimes when he knows I'm doing stuff with someone else.

Yet he asks you to do a threesome.  What will you say if he wants to bring another guy in to do you?

[alphamale]

AmyH, this guy is scamming you BIG TIME. He wants his cake and wants to eat it too. Stay away if you know what’s good for you!

[Lotsgoingon]

My view is adventure in that direction only if it REALLY interests you, not just a thing to do to break out of a rut.