Was it the right decision to cut her loose?

[free_radicals]

We (me 40, she 37) went on 4 dates (lasting from 4 hours to an overnight stay) over the course of 1 month. Given our long dates, we got to know each other really well for having only 4 dates. Our chemistry has been insane, including the sex we had once. One of the potential deal breakers I saw from the beginning was pet lifestyle: I like a calm, chill low maintenance home. I have one cat and wouldn't mind two, but that's where it stops. She, on the other hand, has two big dogs, a rabbit, 3 cats, and four "temporary" foster kittens. I thought about what long term living together would look like IF it got to that point given this apparent incompatibility but still continued to date her. Then *she* actually brought up this very topic during our last date so it was my chance to chime in on my thoughts. We talked for a bit about it, but not much. Over the next few days before our next date would happen, I thought about this more and came to the conclusion that long term, this would not work for me - it would be a chaotic household which is what I'm trying to avoid. I concluded that I can make it work with the pets she already has, BUT the continued fostering would put me over the line if it would be a regular thing (she indicated it would be). The last straw for me was when she texted yesterday of possibly keeping some of the foster kittens. At that point, I asked to have a phone or in person chat as I had concerns on what long term would look like. We talked the same night (yesterday) over the phone and I reminded her of the pet chat we had on our last date. I said I thought about it more and explained what I said above, plus my latest concern of her wanting to keep the fosters. She said she doesn't want to be on anyone's line and immediately said I wasn't the one for her and doesn't feel comfortable continuing with us at all. She grew up with all kinds of animals  so that's where all this need to have all these pets come from. She has trouble pets going to shelters so she takes them in.

Because at one point in this phone chat I mentioned that I intentionally have been avoiding getting dogs (because of the barking/maintenance), she especially made a point that this feels uncomfortable for her given she has two (though I said I concluded I'm ok with hers as they are chill). She didn't buy it. My driving point was that we both need to be happy in a household, and this amount of chaos and unpredictability of fostering would not make me happy and may cause resentment. I said I want her to be happy too. Anyway, so we both essentially said we are not meant for each other. But it still boggles me how everything is seemingly perfect from one day and everything crashes and burns the next.  

I think I made some mistakes in the way I presented the issue per above.

I guess I'm seeing if this pet issue was a cause to not continue? I didn't see a point since we both are looking for long term.

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, free_radicals said:

went on 4 dates . She, on the other hand, has two big dogs, a rabbit, 3 cats, and four "temporary" foster kittens. . Then *she* actually brought up this very topic during our last date so it was my chance to chime in on my thoughts.

It's good you identified deal-breakers and incompatibilities early on. There's nothing wrong with her or her lifestyle. She's just not for you. You were a bit over-the-top in criticizing her. It's her place, her life, her business, so just part ways.

[basil67]

You already had another deal breaker back when you met - that she wants children and you don't.  The relationship should have been ended back then.

That said, I'm curious about description of having a number of animals as being "chaotic and unpredictable".  I've always found that animals have their own personalities and the behaviour of each one in different situations is very predictable.  If the behaviour is predictably bad, then training can address this.  And with good training, life shouldn't be chaotic...and as you say, her dogs are chill.   That said, kittens can be chaotic because they are still babies....but if you can't see them as delightfully chaotic, then you did the right thing ending it.   

All in all, she shouldn't be placed in a situation where she has to make a decision to not foster kittens in order to keep a man she's only been on four dates with.  The right man for her will love her kittens. 

[IrinaM]

Yes you were right to call it quits. I couldn't marry someone who is okay with SEVEN cats in a household, plus other pets. There is no way.

IMO you could have done better by ending it sooner, and before having sex. The problem was already there, it would have been wiser to acknowledge an obvious dealbreaker and take appropriate steps (break up) rather than have sex and then start thinking about it.

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, free_radicals said:

We (me 40, she 37) went on 4 dates (lasting from 4 hours to an overnight stay) over the course of 1 month. Given our long dates, we got to know each other really well for having only 4 dates. Our chemistry has been insane, including the sex we had once. One of the potential deal breakers I saw from the beginning was pet lifestyle: I like a calm, chill low maintenance home. I have one cat and wouldn't mind two, but that's where it stops. She, on the other hand, has two big dogs, a rabbit, 3 cats, and four "temporary" foster kittens. I thought about what long term living together would look like IF it got to that point given this apparent incompatibility but still continued to date her. Then *she* actually brought up this very topic during our last date so it was my chance to chime in on my thoughts. We talked for a bit about it, but not much. Over the next few days before our next date would happen, I thought about this more and came to the conclusion that long term, this would not work for me - it would be a chaotic household which is what I'm trying to avoid. I concluded that I can make it work with the pets she already has, BUT the continued fostering would put me over the line if it would be a regular thing (she indicated it would be). The last straw for me was when she texted yesterday of possibly keeping some of the foster kittens. At that point, I asked to have a phone or in person chat as I had concerns on what long term would look like. We talked the same night (yesterday) over the phone and I reminded her of the pet chat we had on our last date. I said I thought about it more and explained what I said above, plus my latest concern of her wanting to keep the fosters. She said she doesn't want to be on anyone's line and immediately said I wasn't the one for her and doesn't feel comfortable continuing with us at all. She grew up with all kinds of animals  so that's where all this need to have all these pets come from. She has trouble pets going to shelters so she takes them in.

Because at one point in this phone chat I mentioned that I intentionally have been avoiding getting dogs (because of the barking/maintenance), she especially made a point that this feels uncomfortable for her given she has two (though I said I concluded I'm ok with hers as they are chill). She didn't buy it. My driving point was that we both need to be happy in a household, and this amount of chaos and unpredictability of fostering would not make me happy and may cause resentment. I said I want her to be happy too. Anyway, so we both essentially said we are not meant for each other. But it still boggles me how everything is seemingly perfect from one day and everything crashes and burns the next.  

I think I made some mistakes in the way I presented the issue per above.

I guess I'm seeing if this pet issue was a cause to not continue? I didn't see a point since we both are looking for long term.

I’m allergic to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits,…..

 

Even hypoallergenic pets don’t improve it. There is something in the Saliva I’m allergic to.  I can tolerate thrm more than other dogs but it still will be a problem long term living in a house.

 

this is a deal breaker fir me.

 

back in college there was a girl I met. We could have pursued something but in talking to her I found out she had a zoo at home. I didn’t even bother. We have been friends for 30 years.

 

 

[bene]

People who have that many animals are very passionate about them. I don’t really see a reasonable compromise here. She would not give up the animals and you would not be comfortable with this lifestyle. She’d also probably expect you to be enthusiastic about the animals, not merely tolerate them. I think you made the right call.

[Maldives]

On 8/11/2022 at 6:08 AM, free_radicals said:

We (me 40, she 37) went on 4 dates (lasting from 4 hours to an overnight stay) over the course of 1 month. Given our long dates, we got to know each other really well for having only 4 dates. Our chemistry has been insane, including the sex we had once. One of the potential deal breakers I saw from the beginning was pet lifestyle: I like a calm, chill low maintenance home. I have one cat and wouldn't mind two, but that's where it stops. She, on the other hand, has two big dogs, a rabbit, 3 cats, and four "temporary" foster kittens. I thought about what long term living together would look like IF it got to that point given this apparent incompatibility but still continued to date her. Then *she* actually brought up this very topic during our last date so it was my chance to chime in on my thoughts. We talked for a bit about it, but not much. Over the next few days before our next date would happen, I thought about this more and came to the conclusion that long term, this would not work for me - it would be a chaotic household which is what I'm trying to avoid. I concluded that I can make it work with the pets she already has, BUT the continued fostering would put me over the line if it would be a regular thing (she indicated it would be). The last straw for me was when she texted yesterday of possibly keeping some of the foster kittens. At that point, I asked to have a phone or in person chat as I had concerns on what long term would look like. We talked the same night (yesterday) over the phone and I reminded her of the pet chat we had on our last date. I said I thought about it more and explained what I said above, plus my latest concern of her wanting to keep the fosters. She said she doesn't want to be on anyone's line and immediately said I wasn't the one for her and doesn't feel comfortable continuing with us at all. She grew up with all kinds of animals  so that's where all this need to have all these pets come from. She has trouble pets going to shelters so she takes them in.

Because at one point in this phone chat I mentioned that I intentionally have been avoiding getting dogs (because of the barking/maintenance), she especially made a point that this feels uncomfortable for her given she has two (though I said I concluded I'm ok with hers as they are chill). She didn't buy it. My driving point was that we both need to be happy in a household, and this amount of chaos and unpredictability of fostering would not make me happy and may cause resentment. I said I want her to be happy too. Anyway, so we both essentially said we are not meant for each other. But it still boggles me how everything is seemingly perfect from one day and everything crashes and burns the next.  

I think I made some mistakes in the way I presented the issue per above.

I guess I'm seeing if this pet issue was a cause to not continue? I didn't see a point since we both are looking for long term.

You made the right choice incompatible 👍