Can't kick my addiction to bad boys

[belle_athletic]

Hi girls, please help me out. My current boyfriend of 6 months is the sweetest, most caring guy I've ever dated. He listens to my feelings and he's always there to support me. He's never raised his voice at me and always showers me with presents. But I'm still unhappy. Firstly, he's not as fit as my exes. I used to go out with huge bodybuilder/football player guys and my boyfriend is kind of skinny. I've tried to get him to work out more, but i can't blame him because doesn't have much free time outside of his job. Also, I kinda miss how my ex boyfriends used to treat me. Yeah there was a lot of shouting, fights, and tears, and they were just a**h***s, but I miss some of that because I felt like they were "real men". I don't get the same feeling with my current boyfriend, who feels a bit "soft". I really miss the "bad boy" feeling I got from my previous boyfriends. I feel really guilty about this because he's such a decent guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings. 

[basil67]

Your nickname suggests that you're athletic.  If a man you date believes a "real woman" is soft and curvy like a gorgeous 1940's/50's pinup and finds himself not attracted to you because you have a toned physique, would you feel that this is fair?  Or would you feel that your body shape is not at all related to the fact that you're feminine? 

The answer to this may help direct your though process. 

 

Edited August 11, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, belle_athletic said:

 he's such a decent guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings. 

Sorry this is happening. You're not attracted to him. Cut your losses and set both yourselves free. It's not good to lead anyone on.

Before you jump into another relationship, perhaps reflect on why you want drama in your life.

Do you work? Go to school? How is your life otherwise? It seems like you crave drama to feel alive. Therapy may help you understand where that's coming from.

[introverted1]

This is a question for a therapist, not a message board. 

Continuing to choose bad boys with whom you cannot have a stable, happy relationship is a good way to avoid commitment. Perhaps when you get to the bottom of why you are drawn to unsuitable guys, you will be able to form a relationship with a man who treats you well.

In the meantime, cut your current bf loose.  He deserves to be with a woman who loves him as he is. 

[BaileyB]

Both answers above are indeed correct. You have some limiting thinking patterns that you will need to change if you want to change your path. And, you seem to be under the impression that relationship drama means that you are attracted and love your partner. You would do well to find yourself a counsellor to explore these thoughts if you are serious about making a change. 

[Weezy1973]

How old are you and what kind of relationship are you looking for? Marriage and kids? Or more short term and casual?

[Lotsgoingon]

I wud also suggest therapy if you want to drop your attraction to drama and chaos.

You can hide when with the bad boy. He generates drama and you go along excited like a little kid playing hooky from school with the bad kids.

More mature is to take responsibility and generate your own fun. 

Edited August 11, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

It appears that I focussed on a different part of your question to the other posters.  While your title was about bad boys, you lead your post talking about how this guy isn't a bundle of muscle and therefore not a "real man".   Do you also see being bad as being a 'real man'?

All in all, are you happy with your muscled bad boys?  If so, why did you date a man who's a bit softer and (assumedly) kind and thoughtful towards you?   Perhaps, you want to change and find more a more healthy view of masculinity?  

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, belle_athletic said:

My current boyfriend of 6 months is the sweetest, most caring guy I've ever dated. He listens to my feelings and he's always there to support me. He's never raised his voice at me and always showers me with presents.

Well there is such a thing as a man being "too nice," TBH I'd find all that a bit of a turn off too.   

What you want is a balance - a strong man who cares about you, who treats you well, but who also has a backbone, has boundaries, who expects in return as much as he gives.   

Your current boyfriend sounds like a "white knight," a pleaser, putting his own needs aside for yours, attempting to buy your love with gifts (ugh) and in my experience most women will find that extremely unappealing and lose attraction REAL fast.

Just trying to be real about that.

16 hours ago, belle_athletic said:

Yeah there was a lot of shouting, fights, and tears, and they were just a**h***s, but I miss some of that because I felt like they were "real men".

Okay this is troubling cause now you're talking about the other extreme.  Did they smack you around a little too?

Again, strive for BALANCE. 

A good man who knows how to give and who cares but who also loves himself, who doesn't just give and give without receiving much back.  Stay away from men who attempt to buy your love with gifts, there is nothing good or positive about that, imho.

If you find you are continually drawn to toxic brutes like you describe above, men who shout, fight, bring you to tears and possibly physically abuse you, then seek therapy.

Edited August 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Your current boyfriend sounds like a "white knight," a pleaser, putting his own needs aside for yours, attempting to buy your love with gifts (ugh) and in my experience most women will find that extremely unappealing and lose attraction REAL fast.

@belle_athletic you've not described him as being like this at all.  Could you clarify if Poppy is right - as it would change my advice.

 

 

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@belle_athletic you've not described him as being like this at all.  Could you clarify if Poppy is right - as it would change my advice.

It was just the sense I got basil, I could be wrong. 

The showering her with gifts is what stood out most of all. 

I'm projecting, but have known men like this, men who attempt to buy a woman's love with lots of gifts.

They may mean well, but it's actually quite manipulative, the opposite of "nice." 

Again just my take based on experience, I could be wrong. 

Edited August 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

17 hours ago, belle_athletic said:

Hi girls, please help me out. My current boyfriend of 6 months is the sweetest, most caring guy I've ever dated. He listens to my feelings and he's always there to support me. He's never raised his voice at me and always showers me with presents. But I'm still unhappy. Firstly, he's not as fit as my exes. I used to go out with huge bodybuilder/football player guys and my boyfriend is kind of skinny. I've tried to get him to work out more, but i can't blame him because doesn't have much free time outside of his job. Also, I kinda miss how my ex boyfriends used to treat me. Yeah there was a lot of shouting, fights, and tears, and they were just a**h***s, but I miss some of that because I felt like they were "real men". I don't get the same feeling with my current boyfriend, who feels a bit "soft". I really miss the "bad boy" feeling I got from my previous boyfriends. I feel really guilty about this because he's such a decent guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings. 

It boils down to whether you want to be with someone who treats you like crap or not. You may still be conditioned into thinking a “real man” is abusive and belittling. 

I hate saying this but you may not be ready to be in a healthy or loving relationship at the moment until you are able to redo or recalibrate the way you think of relationships. It’s six months and it seems your current bf is buying plenty of gifts as well which is a red flag in my books. Trust and love can’t be bought with a plenitude of things. You may also be feeling this is going way too fast and too much too soon for the short period of time you’ve been dating.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I'm projecting, but have known men like this, men who attempt to buy a woman's love with lots of gifts.

You could be right.  It could also be that "gifts" are his love language and he's showing how much he cares.  

[Gaeta]

On 8/11/2022 at 4:24 AM, belle_athletic said:

Also, I kinda miss how my ex boyfriends used to treat me. Yeah there was a lot of shouting, fights, and tears, and they were just a**h***s, but I miss some of that because I felt like they were "real men". 

I wonder what kind of father you had? or what kind of men your mother brought into her life. I think it's worth exploring for yourself. These men will never make a good reliable partner to you, and certainly not a good father for your children later on. There is a reason you are drawn to this drama. Maybe it's the only thing you've known growing up. 

[stillafool]

On 8/12/2022 at 7:22 AM, Gaeta said:

Maybe it's the only thing you've known growing up. 

It would seem but I've known preacher's daughters and other girls from strict homes who were hung up on bad boys.

[Calmandfocused]

On 8/11/2022 at 9:24 AM, belle_athletic said:

Hi girls, please help me out. My current boyfriend of 6 months is the sweetest, most caring guy I've ever dated. He listens to my feelings and he's always there to support me. He's never raised his voice at me and always showers me with presents. But I'm still unhappy. Firstly, he's not as fit as my exes. I used to go out with huge bodybuilder/football player guys and my boyfriend is kind of skinny. I've tried to get him to work out more, but i can't blame him because doesn't have much free time outside of his job. Also, I kinda miss how my ex boyfriends used to treat me. Yeah there was a lot of shouting, fights, and tears, and they were just a**h***s, but I miss some of that because I felt like they were "real men". I don't get the same feeling with my current boyfriend, who feels a bit "soft". I really miss the "bad boy" feeling I got from my previous boyfriends. I feel really guilty about this because he's such a decent guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings. 

Oh dear! 
 

As someone who has been in abusive relationships previously my initial sense is that you have a problem. A big problem in relation to your attitude and beliefs about men. 

A real man treats a woman with love, kindness and respect. 

If you don’t get some help in regards to your beliefs about “how real men should be” I guarantee you that you will continue to fall into relationship traps with men who treat you poorly. 
 

In the meantime, you’d be better to let your boyfriend go. Your OP drips of disrespect towards your boyfriend and he’s done nothing to deserve it. What he does deserve is a woman who appreciates him,  and who believes he’s “fit”, skinny figure and all. 
 

Breaking your addiction to the “bad guys” is a journey you need to take on your own. 
 

 

Edited August 14, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[alphamale]

On 8/11/2022 at 4:24 AM, belle_athletic said:

Hi girls, please help me out. My current boyfriend of 6 months is the sweetest, most caring guy I've ever dated. He listens to my feelings and he's always there to support me. He's never raised his voice at me and always showers me with presents. But I'm still unhappy. Firstly, he's not as fit as my exes. I used to go out with huge bodybuilder/football player guys and my boyfriend is kind of skinny. I've tried to get him to work out more, but i can't blame him because doesn't have much free time outside of his job. Also, I kinda miss how my ex boyfriends used to treat me. Yeah there was a lot of shouting, fights, and tears, and they were just a**h***s, but I miss some of that because I felt like they were "real men". I don't get the same feeling with my current boyfriend, who feels a bit "soft". I really miss the "bad boy" feeling I got from my previous boyfriends. I feel really guilty about this because he's such a decent guy and I don't want to hurt his feelings. 

Unfortunately when you get cancer the “bad boys” won’t be there