Anyone tried a dating coach?

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Your ex husband was quite ambitious and successful. When you were dating you were like “a kid in a candy store” with all the hot men, and there was a particular “Adonis” that captured your attention.

I just want to correct that my ex husband was in the army. I may have dated an ambitious and successful man at some point but he was not my ex-husband.

Oh yes, I've dated hot men, funny you remember 'Adonis' but that was years ago Weezy that was like 7-8 years ago. I was in my mid-40s in my sexual peak, full of energy and wanting to experience the opposite sex attention I had missed as a young woman. Since then I've changed a lot! I'm heading to 57 soon. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

If that connection wasn't there after a few chats, say for a week or two tops, then I didn't meet them.  THAT was my screening process.

I am not going on 2-3 different first date a week like I used to in my 40s. I am not meeting as many men as possible anymore. A couple of days ago I was exchanging online with someone and he invited me to meet over a coffee during our first chat, I said I don't see a reason to meet him yet, I need to know if we have something in common. Takes a lot to get me out of the house now. 

Edited August 11, 2022 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

You could probably just read some books. You don't have trouble getting dates, it's getting overinvolved with the wrong types for you.

Start with "He's Just Not That Into You". It may help identify the timewasters. And:

"The Classified Man: Twenty-Two Types of Men (And What to Do About Them)" It may help you identify who is and isn't worth communicating with/dating.

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am not going on 2-3 different first date a week like I used to in my 40s. I am not meeting as many men as possible anymore. A couple of days ago I was exchanging online with someone and he invited me to meet over a coffee during our first chat, I said I don't see a reason to meet him yet, I need to know if we have something in common. Takes a lot to get me out of the house now. 

OK fair enough but to clarify, I wasn't talking about having things in common. 

Personally I don't believe commonalities have anything to do with genuine chemistry between a man and woman, that natural polarity.

It's a "feeling," an energy. 

I realize many people think all that energy and vibing stuff is a load of 'you know what', but my successes say otherwise.  

That said, we all have our own style unique to us, whatever works. 

Just saying what has worked well for me since you asked what else you should (or could) be screening for. 

Re dating coach, jmo but I don't think a dating coach could tell you anything more than you already know. 

Your beautiful, smart and savvy, many men are attracted to you.  

If I have any advice it's don't waste time on men you're not "into" like this guy and I recall another guy, bathrobe guy?  

Total waste of time G.  And will only serve to bring your energy down causing mental and emotional exhaustion and perhaps even a certain jadedness. 

If you're not into them, chances are they're not all that into you either which becomes obvious after awhile, hence why things start out okay, then turn.

People tend to be on their best behavior at first; in time true colors tend to show their face and you're left with what is - two people not all that into each other. 

I'm sorry G, you deserve so much better but it's up to you too. 

 

 

Edited August 11, 2022 by poppyfields

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Obviously last guy was lying to me when 3 weeks ago he told me I was important to him. It's like I cannot tell when I'm lied to. 

I'm not sure that qualifies as "lying."  You were important at that moment, but not important enough to be a presence in his mind when you were not around him physically for a while.  That can happen.

Also, I keep coming back to you writing "I am not into him" in your other thread.  If that is the case, why does it even matter if you're important to him or not?  Stop investing your time in people you're not into, as well as in men that give you evidence that they are not fully invested in you either.   

I understand trying to give people a chance even if you're not immediately drawn to them.  I did that myself for a while.  It's not inherently wrong but I soon realized that it was a dead end.  If I wasn't feeling it, it never developed into anything much.  Maybe that's just me but it was my experience.

Do you have a pattern of dating recent immigrants.  Is that true?  I have no negative opinion of immigrants and I don't know where the men you have been dating are from, but if they happen to be from cultures where a degree of misogyny (by Western standards anyway) or at least a tolerance for male philandering is the norm, this might be at play somewhat.    

[Gaeta]

@NuevoYorko: we would have to define what it means to be *into* someone. To me being into someone means constantly thinking about that person,  looking forward for his next text, day dreaming of him, can't wait to see him again.

It's been a long time since l felt like that about a date. Exactly a year.

[mortensorchid]

You can get a How To book for less than you could a dating coach.  I had a free evaluation by one, we had a Zoom call.  She told me things that everyone has said : You're too serious and masculine acting and you need to look / act more feminine.  I wear makeup and dresses, but not very often.  Or not often enough apparently.

 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

She told me things that everyone has said : You're too serious and masculine acting and you need to look / act more feminine.  I wear makeup and dresses, but not very often.  Or not often enough apparently.

 

Sorry you paid to hear something like that. I'm sure it was not very helpful. Plenty of jeans/Tshirt women out there with boyfriends. 

[poppyfields]

Being "feminine" is not about the clothes you wear or about makeup, it's about your "essence," it comes from within.  Men can sense it immediately, they always have with me.

That is what I meant about a natural polarity - masculine/feminine.  Yin/yang, it's what attracts a man to a woman and a woman to a man.

@mortensorchidit's possible that is what your dating coach meant.

A person's presence, their essence.   Masculine or feminine.  It's innate, it cannot be manufactured.   How you carry yourself, your voice, your style, the energy you project.

Some may believe that's sexist or to "pua" or whatever, but I have found it to be very true with the men I attract and have had long term relationships with.

A woman can be wearing jeans, tee and sneaks, no makeup at all and hair in pony tail and still be amazingly feminine because again, it's about her internal essence, the energy she projects.  A certain softness to her nature.

 

 

Edited August 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I considered my ex as the love of my life and it was the happiest time of my life too, he still did what he did. All men are good, until they're not anymore. 

Take a step back

 

what is good and what is not good?

[Gaeta]

26 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

what is good and what is not good?

You know..

Good: love, kindness, support, patience, consideration, generosity, understanding, respect, reliability.

Not good: lies, cheating, unreliable, and the opposite of whats listed under 'good'.

I haven't lost the ability to judge what's good and bad although it's not always black & white like my listing.

[bene]

I agree with everyone that you don’t need a dating coach as you don’t have a problem attracting men and getting dates. You could actually be a dating coach yourself.

I just don’t think a dating coach would have much advice to give that hasn’t already been discussed here.

[NuevoYorko]

11 hours ago, clia said:

 I think you would be better served to try to meet men in person, rather than on Facebook or whatever online service you are currently using, and to focus your time and $300 on that rather than on a "dating coach."  

Or, pay a professional matchmaker and let her do the vetting and arranging for you.  

[FMW]

Maybe it just comes down to the fact that most dating relationships don't go the distance.  Lasting connections don't happen that often.  

Even when I was a teenager and in my twenties I didn't "date" a lot because unless I was really interested in a guy I would rather hang out and have fun with girlfriends.  We would casually flirt with guys we ran into while we were out, but unless there was a clear interest I didn't bother to spend time just one on one with a guy.  Prior to marriage in my late twenties there were only two guys (not at the same time) I felt enough connection with to have ongoing relationships. Since my divorce 6 years ago there have only been two men (including the one I'm with now) with whom I've been emotionally/romantically involved.  The time between those involvements I spent mostly just hanging out with friends, just like when I was younger, and not going out on dates just to be dating.  

Even if I wasn't wept off my feet from the beginning, I would feel some kind of pull to the ones I continued to see that would turn into more within just a matter of weeks, not months.  And I'n not talking about sexual interest, that by itself as you probably know by now doesn't mean anything.  Maybe spending too much time waiting to see if something more develops with any particular guy is dragging down your energy for the dating process.  

I have never online dated so I may unfairly have a bias for meeting in person. But I don't think the quantity provided online increases the quality.  You just meet more men that aren't a good match.   

 

[bene]

Are there any professional matchmaking services in your area? This would be a better use for your money if you’re willing to spend on dating.

In the age of OLD they might not have an entirely new pool of people but the men who sign up have invested more than just setting up a free profile and there is some sort of vetting process. 

There could also be mature men with respectable jobs who don’t want to set up a public dating profile.

[Gaeta]

@bene: The price to subcribe to these matchmaking services is $2,000+. 

I have this image in my mind that men using these services are old, short & fat, half bald,  with a lot of money. 

[giotto]

If I remember correctly, someone in your other thread (the "silent man") said that you probably are too cautious at the start of a relationship and you tend to keep your guard up too long and therefore the men end up not getting the connection and/or the necessary signals they are looking for and give up at the end, kind of ghosting you. You said you agreed. If this the case, professional therapy would help a lot more than a dating coach, IMO. Forgive me if I'm talking nonsense... 🙂

[mark clemson]

I don't think you need a coach you just need to keep trying.

You had a good relationship going for a while, but then the guy was cheating on you IIRC. Well, that happens to people who've been married for decades as well.

I think dating coaches are for people who are "doing it wrong" and thus can't get dates at all and/or are quickly off-putting to the people they do get. I don't think that's you at all, you're getting dates and forming relationships. It's just that people are people and there are many dysfunctional ones (in various ways) floating around out there, they don't necessarily have labels on them indicating their "problems," and you're encountering some of them. That's par for the course, unfortunately.

Overall, I think it's "them, not you".

Edited August 12, 2022 by mark clemson

[Els]

Unless your sole goal is to get a lot of dates, I would go with the therapist 100% of the time.

[Gaeta]

Funny we are on that subject, on my way home from work there was an interview with a match making company. They were saying since covid their service has become very popular. The popularity is due to online dating degrading. Apparently a high number of men online are married l remember reading aomething like 35%, canadian statistic says 53% of people online lie on their profile.

[Alvi]

On 8/12/2022 at 5:31 AM, Gaeta said:

@bene: The price to subcribe to these matchmaking services is $2,000+. 

I have this image in my mind that men using these services are old, short & fat, half bald,  with a lot of money. 

I bet that there are more failures that successes for most matchmaking companies. Sure, you might be that one lucky person, never know. But it could be a total waste of time and money to solely rely on the matchmaking company. I read that some matchmaking companies charge you $100,000 + dollars. Unfreaking believable. For that kind of money you could buy yourself a mail order husband or a wife, lol.

Here is some random Google Review from someone who used a Matchmaking Company (I am deleting names):

As a busy young professional woman, I thought using a matchmaker would be the best way to meet someone. After reading an article in the XXX about ABC' services a busy young professional woman, I thought using a matchmaker would be the best way to meet someone. 

ABC is an excellent sales woman. During my initial meeting I was told she had at least 8 matches for me off the top of the top of her head. She confirmed my requirements were realistic and she was certain she'd find me someone. We clicked and I joined that day. First couple of months ABC responded to my emails in a timely and professional manner. Within a 6 month peroid I was matched with 2 people who were not for me. Which was fine, I understand it takes time and not every match is going to work, because that's just how dating goes. I continued to check in , follow her instructions and I did receive one more match, but I did not meet because they didn't live in my city and that was my number one requirement. That was my last match I ever received.

After the first year, I checked in in every few months. I rarely received a reply, if I did I was either berated for emailing or given a generic we are looking through our data base and will get back to you in a couple of weeks. Which never happened. The third year I checked in, and ABC's assistant informed me they would be reviewing my file at their next case conference and she would get back to me. I was informed there was no matches at that time and to check back in two months. Fair enough. I checked back in and received no reply. I then sent another email 2 months later and same thing no reply.

My advice to others considering ABC Matchmaking is to invest your money elsewhere. Although online dating requires more time as you have to personally do the weeding out process, in my experience you'll be way more successful or at the very least have more matches who will meet your requirements, in a very short period of time.

Anyway, I don't think you are doing anything wrong Gaeta. This is just what modern dating is. A therapist might be helpful, although I don't know how much. Perhaps they are going to help you identify what you are doing wrong in a relationship (self sabotaging) or see a certain patterns of that you are choosing.  But there might not be any of that. Are there any dating sites for marriage or long term relationship minded people? I wonder if they could be more useful. 

[Ami1uwant]

On 8/12/2022 at 7:31 AM, Gaeta said:

@bene: The price to subcribe to these matchmaking services is $2,000+. 

I have this image in my mind that men using these services are old, short & fat, half bald,  with a lot of money. 

I tried one years ago.  From my experience these really weren’t any different than online dating is now.  The kind of special services for wealthy clients is going to be different.  You aren’t going to get that kind of service.

 

it be great if we can special order a partner and we meet in person and everything is great.

 

in some was something paid fir like Eharmony might be better where it matches you in theory to people that shoukd work with you and your personality.

Edited August 13, 2022 by Ami1uwant

[Alpacalia]

It may be useful to speak with a dating coach who may be able to help you find alternatives to your usual choices. It may mean trying a new wardrobe or hairstyle. Don't mistake this for meaning your appearance is what needs improving. Simply shaking things up can be a good thing, as it can remind you just how amazing you are and get you the confidence boost you need to keep going. A coach may also help you think about new hobbies that you might be interested in. In addition to exposing you to new people, new hobbies allow you to learn new things.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. These struggles aren't unique to you. Not to mention, plenty of coupled up people in unsatisfying relationships. Plenty of people in good relationships too!

[Weezy1973]

On 8/11/2022 at 2:17 PM, Gaeta said:

I just want to correct that my ex husband was in the army.

Ah my mistake - for some reason I thought your ex husband was successful and you worked for him as a financial controller. Could have been thinking of another poster…

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Ah my mistake - for some reason I thought your ex husband was successful and you worked for him as a financial controller. Could have been thinking of another poster…

Thats me, it's the man l had a relationship wigh right after divorcing my ex husband. We're talking 20 years ago.