The euphoria before, and the sadness/guilt after

[JFReyes]

My commited partner of 8 years just left me because of infidelity. I admit that I was developing an EA with an old (since 40 years) female friend. It hadn't reached the physical level and still hasn't. I reckon I went wayward because of feelings of loneliness. I realize that I need to get my thoughts together because although I don't really have any expectations of reconciliation or forgiveness, I still feel bad about it because it's the first time in my 62 years of age that I hurt someone like this. I'd appreciate any constructive comments on how to cope with these feelings. Thanks.

 

Edited August 12, 2022 by JFReyes

[FMW]

My guess is your 8 year relationship left you feeling like you were missing something.  Of course we can all have our heads turned momentarily, but if you've continued the EA with the old friend, then it's clearly more than a momentary thing.  

The respectful thing to do in that situation would have of course been to talk to your partner of 8 years instead of going behind their back.  Most of the time I think when something is off for one partner, the other feels it as well, at least to some extent. But betrayal makes it hard for everyone to deal with.  

We're all human and mess up.  You'll probably feel bad for a while.  You have to acknowledge what you did (which it seems you are), and then come to forgive yourself.  Your (ex) partner may make it harder for you, depending on whether or not you have contact and how they are dealing with it.  But that's the price you'll pay.

I would take some time before getting involved with anyone else, including the old friend.  You need to understand how/why it happened so that you can come to terms with it.

[JFReyes]

4 minutes ago, FMW said:

My guess is your 8 year relationship left you feeling like you were missing something.  Of course we can all have our heads turned momentarily, but if you've continued the EA with the old friend, then it's clearly more than a momentary thing.  

The respectful thing to do in that situation would have of course been to talk to your partner of 8 years instead of going behind their back.  Most of the time I think when something is off for one partner, the other feels it as well, at least to some extent. But betrayal makes it hard for everyone to deal with.  

We're all human and mess up.  You'll probably feel bad for a while.  You have to acknowledge what you did (which it seems you are), and then come to forgive yourself.  Your (ex) partner may make it harder for you, depending on whether or not you have contact and how they are dealing with it.  But that's the price you'll pay.

I would take some time before getting involved with anyone else, including the old friend.  You need to understand how/why it happened so that you can come to terms with it.

Thanks for your comments. I did express my feelings of loneliness to my ex-partner for months, to no avail. Only time will tell when will I get involved again, because loneliness -- especially at my age -- is hard. I'll start by getting a dog, though... 🙂

[glows]

Are you still in contact with this EA friend? It sounds like you’re in conflict and need to move on from this chapter. Do other things and find ways to stay inspired and motivated. It’s not always easy if you live alone but do it anyway and challenge yourself.

See what else is going on in your community or neighbourhood. Look at local events and do things that interest you. You mentioned age. Does your age bother you? Make peace with it, move on. Loneliness affects people of all ages. Keep your mind active. 

The break up will fade and it sounds like she did you both a favour by leaving. It was growing into something neither of you wanted. Why didn’t you end it sooner if the relationship was so one sided? Were you afraid of being alone? The irony is that her leaving brought you face to face with the inevitable. Move on and have courage.

[FMW]

6 hours ago, JFReyes said:

I did express my feelings of loneliness to my ex-partner for months, to no avail.

I'm 57, so I understand how age can affect our choices.  I agree with @glows, it sounds like it's best that your partner left, you're both free now to pursue something more satisfying and fulfilling.  Don't be afraid to get involved with someone again, but certainly don't rush it.  

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, JFReyes said:

I reckon I went wayward because of feelings of loneliness.

Sorry this happened. Do you live together? What exactly was the loneliness? Lack of intimacy? Conversation? 

Try not to place the blame on her for your loneliness and subsequent choices. Are you still in communication with your friend?

Do you think the overall quality of the relationship was lacking and you both needed to exit?

[JFReyes]

6 hours ago, glows said:

Are you still in contact with this EA friend? It sounds like you’re in conflict and need to move on from this chapter. Do other things and find ways to stay inspired and motivated. It’s not always easy if you live alone but do it anyway and challenge yourself.

See what else is going on in your community or neighbourhood. Look at local events and do things that interest you. You mentioned age. Does your age bother you? Make peace with it, move on. Loneliness affects people of all ages. Keep your mind active. 

The break up will fade and it sounds like she did you both a favour by leaving. It was growing into something neither of you wanted. Why didn’t you end it sooner if the relationship was so one sided? Were you afraid of being alone? The irony is that her leaving brought you face to face with the inevitable. Move on and have courage.

Yes, I'm still in contact and am conflicted but I'm not getting together, yet. My age doesn't bother me much except that I'm unable to do/enjoy activities I did when I was younger - such is life and I accept that.

[JFReyes]

5 hours ago, FMW said:

I'm 57, so I understand how age can affect our choices.  I agree with @glows, it sounds like it's best that your partner left, you're both free now to pursue something more satisfying and fulfilling.  Don't be afraid to get involved with someone again, but certainly don't rush it.  

I understand that all relationships end one way or another, but this was not the way I intended this one to end. I'm not going to rush anything, still have to go through the grieving process and am patient enough.

[JFReyes]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Do you live together? What exactly was the loneliness? Lack of intimacy? Conversation? 

Try not to place the blame on her for your loneliness and subsequent choices. Are you still in communication with your friend?

Do you think the overall quality of the relationship was lacking and you both needed to exit?

We did not live together. The loneliness was a combination of lack of intimacy and conversation - since a year ago, our free time was mostly spent apart and that was not my choice. I still communicate with my friend but do not intend to go any further for a long while. In my view, the overall quality of the relationship was lacking but I didn't want or need to exit - I don't know how my ex felt, she didn't tell me.

[JFReyes]

14 hours ago, glows said:

Are you still in contact with this EA friend? It sounds like you’re in conflict and need to move on from this chapter. Do other things and find ways to stay inspired and motivated. It’s not always easy if you live alone but do it anyway and challenge yourself.

See what else is going on in your community or neighbourhood. Look at local events and do things that interest you. You mentioned age. Does your age bother you? Make peace with it, move on. Loneliness affects people of all ages. Keep your mind active. 

The break up will fade and it sounds like she did you both a favour by leaving. It was growing into something neither of you wanted. Why didn’t you end it sooner if the relationship was so one sided? Were you afraid of being alone? The irony is that her leaving brought you face to face with the inevitable. Move on and have courage.

Yes, I'm still in contact with her as I reckon that at this point it would be useless to cut contact if the relationship with my ex-partner is finished. My age doesn't bother me as I try hard to stay healthy and active, but I can't do the things I did when I was younger. As for keeping my mind active, I'm working as a software developer/analyst so what I need to do is expand that mental activity onto other realms.

Maybe you're right and she did us both a favor (though I don't like the way it came about). I didn't end it sooner because I felt that the relationship could be rekindled. Like many people I don't like to feel alone, but indeed it is ironic that the breakup brought up the "inevitable". I will move on for sure, this is not my first LTR but as time passes I feel that my options for happiness are narrowing. Time will tell... Thanks.

Edited August 13, 2022 by JFReyes

[glows]

12 hours ago, JFReyes said:

Yes, I'm still in contact with her as I reckon that at this point it would be useless to cut contact if the relationship with my ex-partner is finished. My age doesn't bother me as I try hard to stay healthy and active, but I can't do the things I did when I was younger. As for keeping my mind active, I'm working as a software developer/analyst so what I need to do is expand that mental activity onto other realms.

Maybe you're right and she did us both a favor (though I don't like the way it came about). I didn't end it sooner because I felt that the relationship could be rekindled. Like many people I don't like to feel alone, but indeed it is ironic that the breakup brought up the "inevitable". I will move on for sure, this is not my first LTR but as time passes I feel that my options for happiness are narrowing. Time will tell... Thanks.

You were already with another woman in mind and spirit (an EA) so telling yourself that your relationship with your ex could be rekindled is a lie and false, an illusion. The fear of loneliness seems to be warping logic and causing you to find distractions in an unhappy relationship and yet stay in that same dysfunctional relationship due to fear of loneliness.

You’re still in contact with the EA friend because you’re afraid of loneliness. Why not turn to other friends? True friends not a woman who (I’m assuming) knowingly invited the attention of a taken man. Do you see this individual having any integrity and how does keeping in contact with her help your healing process or growing from your own lack of integrity in your previous relationship? 

I’m not telling you to cut off people mindlessly but I am asking these questions to probe where your logic lies in regards to how you acknowledge your mistakes of the past and what you’d rather see differently in yourself moving forwards.

Edited August 14, 2022 by glows

[JFReyes]

3 hours ago, glows said:

You were already with another woman in mind and spirit (an EA) so telling yourself that your relationship with your ex could be rekindled is a lie and false, an illusion. The fear of loneliness seems to be warping logic and causing you to find distractions in an unhappy relationship and yet stay in that same dysfunctional relationship due to fear of loneliness.

You’re still in contact with the EA friend because you’re afraid of loneliness. Why not turn to other friends? True friends not a woman who (I’m assuming) knowingly invited the attention of a taken man. Do you see this individual having any integrity and how does keeping in contact with her help your healing process or growing from your own lack of integrity in your previous relationship? 

I’m not telling you to cut off people mindlessly but I am asking these questions to probe where your logic lies in regards to how you acknowledge your mistakes of the past and what you’d rather see differently in yourself moving forwards.

Thank you for your insight, I'm giving your suggestions a lot of thought. Yes, I'm afraid of loneliness; I got a reminder of that yesterday when my eldest sister (who lives alone) fell down and it took hours for her son to take her to the hospital - I couldn't help her immediately because I didn't have access to her. I don't have many true friends (nor family either), just acquaintances. Moving forward, I really need to go in a different direction, just not sure what that direction is.

Edited August 14, 2022 by JFReyes

[glows]

2 hours ago, JFReyes said:

Thank you for your insight, I'm giving your suggestions a lot of thought. Yes, I'm afraid of loneliness; I got a reminder of that yesterday when my eldest sister (who lives alone) fell down and it took hours for her son to take her to the hospital - I couldn't help her immediately because I didn't have access to her. I don't have many true friends (nor family either), just acquaintances. Moving forward, I really need to go in a different direction, just not sure what that direction is.

Is she doing ok now? I’m sorry to hear this. You’re just out of a long term relationship. Loneliness, loss of security, feeling supremely and mindnumbingly alone are all part of a break up and healing. I panicked also in the first weeks after I separated from my spouse even though it was an emotionally abusive relationship. It takes time to adjust and get used to feeling confident being single. The extra insurance of knowing or feeling like someone will always be around is completely gone. 

Over time these feelings will be replaced with feeling more confident little by little, each day at a time. If someone is emotionally unavailable you won’t be going down that road trying to pursue them. Your EA partner may not be 100% available. Choices in a partner, the way you do things or process relationships all change if you want to change. 

[JFReyes]

29 minutes ago, glows said:

Is she doing ok now? I’m sorry to hear this. You’re just out of a long term relationship. Loneliness, loss of security, feeling supremely and mindnumbingly alone are all part of a break up and healing. I panicked also in the first weeks after I separated from my spouse even though it was an emotionally abusive relationship. It takes time to adjust and get used to feeling confident being single. The extra insurance of knowing or feeling like someone will always be around is completely gone. 

Over time these feelings will be replaced with feeling more confident little by little, each day at a time. If someone is emotionally unavailable you won’t be going down that road trying to pursue them. Your EA partner may not be 100% available. Choices in a partner, the way you do things or process relationships all change if you want to change. 

Thank you for your support. Unfortunately my sister had a stroke and is in the hospital; please pray for her. This morning I had a long chat with my ex and even though I'm sad, it brought me some sort of closure. My EA partner is not 100% available (not married but living with adult daughter and grandkids) so I won't find the companionship I seek with her. I got into this situation by choice so I'll have to man up and live with the consequences. I know that as time passes I'll be feeling better, it just sucks right now. Thanks.

[glows]

7 minutes ago, JFReyes said:

Thank you for your support. Unfortunately my sister had a stroke and is in the hospital; please pray for her. This morning I had a long chat with my ex and even though I'm sad, it brought me some sort of closure. My EA partner is not 100% available (not married but living with adult daughter and grandkids) so I won't find the companionship I seek with her. I got into this situation by choice so I'll have to man up and live with the consequences. I know that as time passes I'll be feeling better, it just sucks right now. Thanks.

Give it more time. I’ll pray for your sister.