My Husband is a Doormat!

[solsticemaiden21]

We've been married for twelve years. At first, I was so in love, because I saw him as a gentle, compassionate and caring guy. I ignored the red flags (he had never married and he was over forty years old, he lived alone, etc.) But over time I have become very disillusioned with our marriage. We get along; or I should say we SEEM to get along. But that is because he agrees with every thing I suggest and rarely offers any opportunity for me to please him. He won't ask for his own needs to be met.

For example, if our needy next door neighbor wants to chat with him when he is busy, he feels he has to indulge her because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. If I want to chat as soon as he gets home, he doesn't ask for down time. I even encourage him to say if he doesn't feel like sitting down with a glass of wine, but would rather be alone. He won't speak up! I have no idea what he really likes, because he always just goes along with whatever I suggest. I feel lonely. I wanted a true soul mate, not a doormat. Due to health problems, I have had to turn a lot of housework over to him. I help as much as I am able, but I feel badly that he has to do the shopping, cleaning, and cooking. I take care of the laundry and loading and running the dishwasher. But most of the time he will do things for me that I am able to do for myself. Then he gets hurt if I protest, because he thinks that I don't appreciate it. I have tried to explain that it is bad enough that I am so limited in what I can do that he has extra, but he is only wearing himself out trying to please me. I know he means well, but I hate to see him getting so haggard and looking tired. But he won't speak up if things are getting to him. I want to at least provide emotional support. 

I no longer care about having sex, because he won't fix himself up and sits around in stained jeans, shoes with holes in them, etc. And not feeling an emotional connection is not a turn on. One time I initiated sex and he seemed reluctant. So I asked what was wrong, and he said that he was tired but wanted to "do it for me." I would never expect anyone to force themselves in to sexual activity if they are tired. I am tired of always trying to get him to stand up for himself, to set healthy boundaries, and to communicate his needs to me.  

[Weezy1973]

How do you know he’s unhappy with the situation? It’s kind of strange - a lot of women complain that their husband doesn’t pull his weight around the house, but you’re complaining that he does too much! He sounds like he’s pretty easy going, and loves you very much so more than happy to pick up the slack due to your medical condition. 
 

However something sounds very off with your post. Have you met someone recently that has sparked some romantic interest? 

[basil67]

Hi solsticemaiden, I feel for you in this situation - emotional connection is so important.  I suspect that the two of you could do with professional guidance to help you both learn to communicate and the two of you would benefit from marriage counselling. 

I noticed a few things where you may possibly be making incorrect assumptions.  This isn't at all a criticism of you - after all, you wouldn't be making assumptions if he actually told you how he feels!   But these things would be something to explore with him in marriage counselling.

• In a previous post you mentioned him being addicted to his computer. Is this still the case? If so it sounds like he has quite enough downtime.  (of course, this also adds to the emotional disconnect)
• You feel bad because he doesn't ask for his own needs to be met.  Could it be that his needs are low and really only extend to computer time? 
• Have you any reason to believe he doesn't want to sit down and have a wine with you?  Or perhaps you'd like it if he was more proactive and suggested opening a bottle with you....
• With regards to him offering sex when he's not in the mood, there are many writers on this board who maintain that having sex even when you're not particularly in the mood is a loving gesture and a way of caring for your partner.  While it's not how you feel (and I'm in your camp here), he's not wrong to offer this.  It's his way of showing love.
• I'm with you on losing attraction to someone who doesn't care to dress in decent clothes.  Have you told him that you'd like him to dress nicer?  Because if you have, he is actually standing his ground here.  It's quite unfortunate that he stands his ground about looking unkempt though....

I hope that with the help of a counsellor, he can learn to tell you how he feels. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, solsticemaiden21 said:

We've been married for twelve years. At first, I was so in love, because I saw him as a gentle, compassionate and caring guy. I ignored the red flags (he had never married and he was over forty years old, he lived alone, etc.) But over time I have become very disillusioned with our marriage. We get along; or I should say we SEEM to get along. But that is because he agrees with every thing I suggest and rarely offers any opportunity for me to please him. He won't ask for his own needs to be met.

For example, if our needy next door neighbor wants to chat with him when he is busy, he feels he has to indulge her because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. If I want to chat as soon as he gets home, he doesn't ask for down time. I even encourage him to say if he doesn't feel like sitting down with a glass of wine, but would rather be alone. He won't speak up! I have no idea what he really likes, because he always just goes along with whatever I suggest. I feel lonely. I wanted a true soul mate, not a doormat. Due to health problems, I have had to turn a lot of housework over to him. I help as much as I am able, but I feel badly that he has to do the shopping, cleaning, and cooking. I take care of the laundry and loading and running the dishwasher. But most of the time he will do things for me that I am able to do for myself. Then he gets hurt if I protest, because he thinks that I don't appreciate it. I have tried to explain that it is bad enough that I am so limited in what I can do that he has extra, but he is only wearing himself out trying to please me. I know he means well, but I hate to see him getting so haggard and looking tired. But he won't speak up if things are getting to him. I want to at least provide emotional support. 

I no longer care about having sex, because he won't fix himself up and sits around in stained jeans, shoes with holes in them, etc. And not feeling an emotional connection is not a turn on. One time I initiated sex and he seemed reluctant. So I asked what was wrong, and he said that he was tired but wanted to "do it for me." I would never expect anyone to force themselves in to sexual activity if they are tired. I am tired of always trying to get him to stand up for himself, to set healthy boundaries, and to communicate his needs to me.  

He sounds like a caring person. Re: neighbourly conversations and being pleasant, chatting with you, obliging you. 

A note regarding boundaries: in healthy relationships boundaries are automatically respected and honoured. There’s no need to assert them. He seems to honour your wishes but you don’t accept him the way he is. I’d say there may be a good chance he’s tired of the need to be verbal and he may not be a verbally expressive person.

We can read cues and intuitively know what someone likes or doesn’t like without them (him in this case) having to say it out to you. Love and honour him the way he is if you want your marriage. If you know he’s tired suggest he have a rest or do something else he likes. 

Someone not caring about their appearance just makes me think depression.. total depths of depression and despair. I’ve no doubt he senses your disappointment and disapproval and is checking out.

[solsticemaiden21]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

How do you know he’s unhappy with the situation? It’s kind of strange - a lot of women complain that their husband doesn’t pull his weight around the house, but you’re complaining that he does too much! He sounds like he’s pretty easy going, and loves you very much so more than happy to pick up the slack due to your medical condition. 
 

However something sounds very off with your post. Have you met someone recently that has sparked some romantic interest? 

To respond to your first comment, I agree; I read lots of posts about men who don't pull their weight! My concern is that I feel guilty about how much more he has to do since I became ill. I really want him to have his own down time, but he won't take it. A bit about his background; he grew up with two very ill siblings who eventually died from their illnesses. I think that deep down he fears losing me so he thinks he has no right to complain or express dissatisfaction. I have always been a take charge kind of person, and am not comfortable sitting back and having him do so much. 

And I am not sure what sounds off to you; I love my husband very much. I have no interest in other men, since he is the one I married.🙂  I just feel that things are uneven right now.

[solsticemaiden21]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Hi solsticemaiden, I feel for you in this situation - emotional connection is so important.  I suspect that the two of you could do with professional guidance to help you both learn to communicate and the two of you would benefit from marriage counselling. 

I noticed a few things where you may possibly be making incorrect assumptions.  This isn't at all a criticism of you - after all, you wouldn't be making assumptions if he actually told you how he feels!   But these things would be something to explore with him in marriage counselling.

• In a previous post you mentioned him being addicted to his computer. Is this still the case? If so it sounds like he has quite enough downtime.  (of course, this also adds to the emotional disconnect)
• You feel bad because he doesn't ask for his own needs to be met.  Could it be that his needs are low and really only extend to computer time? 
• Have you any reason to believe he doesn't want to sit down and have a wine with you?  Or perhaps you'd like it if he was more proactive and suggested opening a bottle with you....
• With regards to him offering sex when he's not in the mood, there are many writers on this board who maintain that having sex even when you're not particularly in the mood is a loving gesture and a way of caring for your partner.  While it's not how you feel (and I'm in your camp here), he's not wrong to offer this.  It's his way of showing love.
• I'm with you on losing attraction to someone who doesn't care to dress in decent clothes.  Have you told him that you'd like him to dress nicer?  Because if you have, he is actually standing his ground here.  It's quite unfortunate that he stands his ground about looking unkempt though....

I hope that with the help of a counsellor, he can learn to tell you how he feels. 

I admit that I am possibly incorrect in my assumptions! I married later in life and there is a lot about married life that I am still learning. We have tried counseling, but it didn't really help. I am pretty much resigned to just accepting this, but I do fear that he is getting overwhelmed with all the things that he has to do. I just want him to let me know other ways I can be of help since I can't do much of the housework type things. He is not comfortable speaking up about stuff!

[Weezy1973]

33 minutes ago, solsticemaiden21 said:

And I am not sure what sounds off to you; 

Two things:

1. You’re complaining about having a good husband and father. Someone who does his fair share, and then some especially when his partner is ill. To be clear, this is something one should feel grateful for, instead of complaining about.

2. You specifically said “I feel lonely, I wanted a soul mate, not a doormat.”  That’s a weird thing to say when you acknowledge he’s more than happy to grab a glass of wine and talk to you about your day. 

[solsticemaiden21]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Two things:

1. You’re complaining about having a good husband and father. Someone who does his fair share, and then some especially when his partner is ill. To be clear, this is something one should feel grateful for, instead of complaining about.

2. You specifically said “I feel lonely, I wanted a soul mate, not a doormat.”  That’s a weird thing to say when you acknowledge he’s more than happy to grab a glass of wine and talk to you about your day. 

I guess it does sound weird.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, solsticemaiden21 said:

. I just want him to let me know other ways I can be of help since I can't do much of the housework type things. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you feel guilty that he does a lot around the house? He seems like a very decent human being and you seem frustrated by your health problems. This doesn't make him a doormat, although you seem contemptuous of him for whatever reason. Perhaps you're angry at feeling unable to do your share?

[basil67]

5 hours ago, solsticemaiden21 said:

I guess it does sound weird.

Yeah, it does sound weird.  Thing is, a doormat is someone who lets us walk all over them.  But from what you describe, he's just doing what needs to be done without complaining.  That's not a doormat. 

You said that previous marriage counselling wasn't successful.  What issues were uncovered and why were there problems in resolving them?

[stillafool]

Since you're home all day, can't you look around the house and see what needs to be done that might help him out?  Are you no longer able to cook, do any sort of cleaning, etc.,.  Why wouldn't the laundry already be done by the time he's home?  Most women in your condition would kill for a husband like yours.  Too bad he isn't appreciated more.

[NuevoYorko]

You  haven't described a doormat.  That term describes a person who allows others to walk over them.  Your husband seems to like being helpful and probably shows love to you by doing the things he does.

It sounds as if you basically do not like his personality, or respect him.  Do you see his kind and helpful ways as weakness?

I'm not sure why he needs to tell you different things you can do that will help him.   Surely you know what you can and can't do.  If you are able to load and unload the dishwasher and do laundry, there are dozens of other household jobs that require similar or lesser levels of exertion.   Also, if there are things you want him to do that you would like, you need to communicate to him.

This actually can be helped with marriage counseling.  Both of you would have to agree to go outside your comfort zones in various ways.  It's work that has to be done, consistently, and not really the kind of thing that one "tries" and discards.   Maybe look for a different counselor.   

[FMW]

It does sound like you don't have much respect for him or appreciation for him being who he is.  You can't help what you feel, so I intend no criticism in this response, just observation.  

It sounds like this is the way he was when you married him.  Maybe you were attracted to his gentle and kind ways in reaction to having a previous relationship with someone who was just the opposite.  If your attraction was brought about by that kind of situation then you probably didn't take time to really get to know and appreciate him as a whole person.  You say you ignored the red flags.  Unless there's more you haven't mentioned, it seems those flags were about your lack of attraction to who he is, in total, not necessarily behavior that would be considered in need of fixing.  

The health problems from which you are suffering may be causing anger and frustration in general that are being aimed at him because he's the one that's there the most.  If that's the case, talking to a counselor on your own would be very helpful.  Having chronic health issues can really drag people down emotionally as well as physically.  

The one thing you should certainly be sure to communicate to him is that you want to handle the things you are able, and although you appreciate his help, you need to do things for yourself as much as possible.  If you only show irritation or frustration, he isn't going to understand why, and then he will naturally feel at least a little hurt or unappreciated.  

Edited to add:  Sometimes one partner does pull more weight, at least in some ways, than the other.  It's part of a healthy relationship, give and take.  It's not going to 50/50 all the time.  Maybe focus on the intangible ways you are adding to the marriage, and supporting him.  Emotional support, managing finances, coordinating family events, etc.  Things probably aren't as uneven as you are thinking right now.  

Edited August 13, 2022 by FMW

[Lotsgoingon]

So how does his being a "doormat" interfere with the kind of relationship you want to have. And I ask this without sarcasm.

Dating people with bad boundaries can be disruptive. People who can't say no can't really prioritize their partners. It's hard to get close to them.  Also there's a cringe factor as you see them running around doing stuff that even think would admit is not of great importance, not a priority---just because they don't know how to say "no."

I don't want to assume that I understand the way you're experiencing your husband's "doormat" behavior. " So can you be specific about what bothers you about husband's behavior? I think there is something troubling about his behavior. 

 

 

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, solsticemaiden21 said:

I no longer care about having sex, because he won't fix himself up and sits around in stained jeans, shoes with holes in them, etc. And not feeling an emotional connection is not a turn on. One time I initiated sex and he seemed reluctant. So I asked what was wrong, and he said that he was tired but wanted to "do it for me." I would never expect anyone to force themselves in to sexual activity if they are tired. I am tired of always trying to get him to stand up for himself, to set healthy boundaries, and to communicate his needs to me.  

He sounds like he's dealing with deep depression and is just going along to get along.  Sometimes people keep themselves ultra busy in order not to think.  

[Lisa]

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