That crushing sting of rejection. from someone you barely know

[dnd_girl]

Hi all,

I've posted a couple of times here about a guy I only saw twice, but was really quite into. It's just fizzled out, which has been weird, as every time I text, he would reply immediately. But I left it up to him to message first, and he never did, which tells me everything I need to know.

Broke up from my long term BF nearly six months ago, and have been dating a little. I've not been particularly interested in anyone, and haven't got hung up on anyone - except this guy. 

Our first date was fantastic, he was interesting, and sparkling. Since then, he's seemed a bit dull (a friend of mine thinks he seems super boring).

BUT - the agony and crushing disappointment I feel from the rejection is just way out of proportion with the amount of time we spent together. I even think there are qualities about him (like how much he drinks) that don't appeal to me.

But I can't help ruminating, wanting closure (although I know he doesn't owe it to me after two dates), wondering what the heck is wrong with me - is it the way I look? Did I say something wrong? Did he found out something about me that he didn't like?

Does anyone else struggle with rejection like this? What do you do?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, i_have_questions said:

Broke up from my long term BF nearly six months ago - the agony and crushing disappointment I feel from the rejection is just way out of proportion with the amount of time we spent together.

Sorry this is happening. It sounds more like tsunami of undealt with past pain hitting you that is represented by this disappointment.

[dnd_girl]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It sounds more like tsunami of undealt with past pain hitting you that is represented by this disappointment.

That's a good point actually. The ex had a lot of problems with addiction and mental health. The rejection from the new guy coincided with the ex being hospitalised (after i called an ambulance) when he called me experiencing psychosis and feeling suicidal.

I don't want to get back with the ex (for reasons that are probably quite clear) but it is stressful and upsetting seeing someone you once loved in so much pain. I guess maybe i need to go back to therapy.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, i_have_questions said:

The ex had a lot of problems with addiction and mental health. The rejection from the new guy coincided with the ex being hospitalised (after i called an ambulance) when he called me experiencing psychosis and feeling suicidal. I guess maybe i need to go back to therapy.

Yes, get some support. You need to delete and block this ex. He needs to contact his own people, EMS, a mental health hotline, his doctors, etc., not you, when he is having mental health issues. You need to let go. It's important to get out of a codependent and rescuer role with someone like that.

[dnd_girl]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, get some support. You need to delete and block this ex. He needs to contact his own people, EMS, a mental health hotline, his doctors, etc., not you, when he is having mental health issues. You need to let go. It's important to get out of a codependent and rescuer role with someone like that.

You're totally correct, although I realise I made a mistake in my post. He did not call me, I called him, and I don't know why I typed that it was the other way around.

I check in with him sometimes to see if he's ok. I guess that's another thing I should maybe stop doing.

I'm 100% very codependent.

Also, part of me wonders if I was super interested in that other guy, because I could tell there certain qualities about him that are bad for me but that I seem to go for - excessive drinking, coming across as quite emotionally unavailable etc...

[glows]

Yes, leave the ex to the professionals. He’s not contacting you and respecting boundaries after a break up. You are not respecting those boundaries or may not have defined them in the first place. Move forwards and let go permanently. It’s not your fault if your ex has issues. Let go. 

It’s highly possible the recent guy you were seeing picked up on a cue or two that seemed off putting or unusual if you’re still in contact with your ex or not fully over a break up. That’s okay. Learn from the experience and take the lessons with you. 

Each time you fail it’s not just a rejection. It’s a lesson, a little nugget of gold, so bank that and move forwards doing things differently.

[Lotsgoingon]

Absolutely I have struggled with this and I learned through lots of therapy that indeed this is past pain. 

The tipoff is the word "rejection." Someone not falling for us doesn't mean they "rejected" us. You don't even really know this guy. He could be in debt up to his eyeballs, could have dying parents, could just be emotionally shut down. There are lots of people who can perform well on dates and yet be fully shut down once a serious relationship starts.

You got to develop your own sense of your worth outside of dating. Dating and romance can't really give us that. 

[stillafool]

Sometimes I think it is the "rejection" alone that makes us see the other person as a prize we can't win and that starts the obsession.  All you can do OP is delete and block his number and keep moving forward you will be okay.  If you find yourself struggling too much you might consider independent counseling to try to get to the root of this.

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, i_have_questions said:

That's a good point actually. The ex had a lot of problems with addiction and mental health. The rejection from the new guy coincided with the ex being hospitalised (after i called an ambulance) when he called me experiencing psychosis and feeling suicidal.

I don't want to get back with the ex (for reasons that are probably quite clear) but it is stressful and upsetting seeing someone you once loved in so much pain. I guess maybe i need to go back to therapy.

You are not a caregiver of your ex.  You need to cut ties if you can.  That could be hard if you share children or have common friends.

 

if you just ended this 6 months ago and it was a longer relationship, you might not be ready to date.

 

as wiseman said…this is likeky more to do with past relationship history and the needs you want from a relationship than this particular relationship that didn’t work.  love the idea of being in love vs actually being in love….that’s the issue.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, i_have_questions said:

But I can't help ruminating, wanting closure

There is no such thing as "closure" in a situation like this.  You don't get "closure".  Closure is a gift that you give YOURSELF by accepting that he's just not interested, the reasons don't matter, and that you need to let it go and move on.  And until you make a conscious decision to accept those things and understand those things for yourself, you'll continue to be hung up on this.  Because you're not going to get closure from an external source, like from him.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, i_have_questions said:

I'm 100% very codependent.Also, part of me wonders if I was super interested in that other guy, because I could tell there certain qualities about him that are bad for me but that I seem to go for - excessive drinking, coming across as quite emotionally unavailable etc...

The best course of action for you would be to frame it as "disappointment" rather than "rejection", because you don't even really know each other.

Another step away from this ex would be too see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done, get a clean bill of health and discuss any depression, anxiety etc. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

If you are attracted to, come from a family of, or have been adversely affected by alcoholism, check out Al-Anon: https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[smackie9]

You rebounded/limerence for this guy after one date....you were infatuated/dopamine struck. You are looking so hard for that big explosion only to find out that it turned out to be a dud. I agree you let your brain/imagination run away with you. It's like chasing a carrot on a stick. Stop chasing! I get it, out of a relationship you are looking for that new romance. Slow down, and worry about doing something with your life/for yourself, like get a new hobby, make new friends, get involved with your community etc. This will cut way down on your sudden need for infatuation. You got this. Shake that dude off.

[max3732]

7 hours ago, i_have_questions said:

Hi all,

I've posted a couple of times here about a guy I only saw twice, but was really quite into. It's just fizzled out, which has been weird, as every time I text, he would reply immediately. But I left it up to him to message first, and he never did, which tells me everything I need to know.

Broke up from my long term BF nearly six months ago, and have been dating a little. I've not been particularly interested in anyone, and haven't got hung up on anyone - except this guy. 

Our first date was fantastic, he was interesting, and sparkling. Since then, he's seemed a bit dull (a friend of mine thinks he seems super boring).

BUT - the agony and crushing disappointment I feel from the rejection is just way out of proportion with the amount of time we spent together. I even think there are qualities about him (like how much he drinks) that don't appeal to me.

But I can't help ruminating, wanting closure (although I know he doesn't owe it to me after two dates), wondering what the heck is wrong with me - is it the way I look? Did I say something wrong? Did he found out something about me that he didn't like?

Does anyone else struggle with rejection like this? What do you do?

That's exactly what happens to me too! It's very frustrating to meet someone and think things were going well and then get rejected. Best thing I've found to do is realize it happens to everyone and move on to someone else

[Alpacalia]

Eh.

You met someone you liked and saw promise in (despite his imperfections) so yes, that stings when it doesn't work out.

The reality is, not everyone has attachment issues. If this is not a problem for you, then there's another big reason why sometimes we tend to hang on to someone who we barely know and aren't dating for a very long time. It's not the person you're focused on, it's the end result (goal). 

Maybe you placed all your eggies in one basket in hopes of finding something truly significant in life. Remember though that this gives you a distorted view of the courtship and limits your ability to truly get to know someone. 

Then we're confused and hurt when things don't work out. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Fantastic advice and wisdom for you, from the previous posters. 

This cannot be rejection because you can't know the person is worthy of dating in the first place so early on.

This person may not have followed up because he thinks you are out of his league, so to speak. He might be attracted to people less confident or less attractive than you. You're investing in the person--concluding they are worthy of dating--way way too soon. 

Wow @smackie9classic phrasing: you were infatuated/dopamine struck. 

OP,  you can avoid that "dopamine stuck" by bringing a bit more critical awareness to a good date. AA happy date is a quick first impression--highly unreliable. A glowing date does not preclude the person having an addiction, a drug problem, a gambling problem, tens of thousands of dollars of CC debt, crippling depression (I could be charming even when depressed), a bad work record, limited ambition, inability to really love and nurture another person, a limited friendship network, conflict in values, bad ties to their family, a mean streak, a cruel streak and on and on.  

You have to bring that awareness to all dates, and go step by step. If you have a tendency to get dopamine attacked and fall head over hills, then you have to notice that. You have to stop and turn on your analytical brain and remind yourself that you know almost NOTHING about this person. 

 

 

Edited August 13, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[alphamale]

13 hours ago, i_have_questions said:about a 

Does anyone else struggle with rejection like this? What do you do?

Embrace rejection, it’s nothing to be afraid of and you may learn something 

[Maldives]

16 hours ago, i_have_questions said:

Hi all,

I've posted a couple of times here about a guy I only saw twice, but was really quite into. It's just fizzled out, which has been weird, as every time I text, he would reply immediately. But I left it up to him to message first, and he never did, which tells me everything I need to know.

Broke up from my long term BF nearly six months ago, and have been dating a little. I've not been particularly interested in anyone, and haven't got hung up on anyone - except this guy. 

Our first date was fantastic, he was interesting, and sparkling. Since then, he's seemed a bit dull (a friend of mine thinks he seems super boring).

BUT - the agony and crushing disappointment I feel from the rejection is just way out of proportion with the amount of time we spent together. I even think there are qualities about him (like how much he drinks) that don't appeal to me.

But I can't help ruminating, wanting closure (although I know he doesn't owe it to me after two dates), wondering what the heck is wrong with me - is it the way I look? Did I say something wrong? Did he found out something about me that he didn't like?

Does anyone else struggle with rejection like this? What do you do?

How long has it been since this happened? It can have this kind of impact depends on the connection. My guess is it will fade pretty quick being two dates. Sometimes the non-closure keeps us in a loop in our head going around in circles and I think it's that in particular it keeps us stuck in the emotion of rejection. I think it'll fade

[BreakOnThrough]

It's a problem with you, and has nothing to do with the guy.  Figure that out first and the right person will come along.  It doesn't sound like you are ready to date if you are having such insecurities.