alphamale Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 (edited) So Um yeah. Recently found my ex-wife was in love with someone else during our sham of a marriage. It was a semi-arranged union where both families gave their blessings. We married in 1993 and I initiated a divorce in 1997. She caused me a lot of trouble and stress. It explains a LOT of things. How she kept on telling me I wouldn’t understand why she was behaving erratically. The dozens of extended trips to her home in Toronto. Not really getting into lovemaking. Sending me cryptic letters from Toronto (there was no email back then). If ok about it cause it’s water under the bridge and I was younger and more naïve back then. But part of me is embarrassed cause I didn’t add 2+2 and that I got bamboozled and basically lost 4+ years of my life. Of course [I'm still angry over it] but that’s a different story. I guess I’m just venting cause I haven’t discussed this with anyone IRL. Anyways, any comments or analysis would be appreciated. - Alpha Edited August 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed inappropriate commentary Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 51 minutes ago, alphamale said: How she kept on telling me I wouldn’t understand why she was behaving erratically. Basically gaslighting you. I'm so sorry Alpha that happened to you. Thank God it was only 4 years and not 14. I believe in karma. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 Well that's not information you needed after all these years, sorry you had that dumped on you in whatever way it came. As you referenced, you were a lot younger and had much less world experience in 1993. Looking back, most of us if honest would see how we were clueless or naive about things that seem so clear now. I have had my share of experience with embarrassment for not figuring things out or acting faster, but all I or anyone else can do is hopefully use more discernment going forward. Your discovery of this information is recent. It's normal to be thrown off for a bit while you think back to the experience with the benefit of the new information. I would look at it as part of the journey in making you who you are today, not something to beat yourself up about or even to hold against her. It's water under the bridge and just not worth it. She didn't belong in your life, and fortunately in the scheme of things four years isn't a huge amount of time. If you're more interested in analysis of why she did what she did, I don't think it's worth too much of your time or effort. There was apparently some drama related to the man she was in love with and maybe you presented a nice opportunity for escape. It was obviously cruel for her to take advantage of you in that way. If you spend too much time trying to figure out why she did it, you'll just drive yourself crazy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alphamale Posted August 14, 2022 Author Share Posted August 14, 2022 1 hour ago, FMW said: Well that's not information you needed after all these years, sorry you had that dumped on you in whatever way it came. As you referenced, you were a lot younger and had much less world experience in 1993. Looking back, most of us if honest would see how we were clueless or naive about things that seem so clear now. I have had my share of experience with embarrassment for not figuring things out or acting faster, but all I or anyone else can do is hopefully use more discernment going forward. Your discovery of this information is recent. It's normal to be thrown off for a bit while you think back to the experience with the benefit of the new information. I would look at it as part of the journey in making you who you are today, not something to beat yourself up about or even to hold against her. It's water under the bridge and just not worth it. She didn't belong in your life, and fortunately in the scheme of things four years isn't a huge amount of time. If you're more interested in analysis of why she did what she did, I don't think it's worth too much of your time or effort. There was apparently some drama related to the man she was in love with and maybe you presented a nice opportunity for escape. It was obviously cruel for her to take advantage of you in that way. If you spend too much time trying to figure out why she did it, you'll just drive yourself crazy. Thanks FMW Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, alphamale said: So Um yeah. Recently found my ex-wife was in love with someone else during our sham of a marriage. It was a semi-arranged union where both families gave their blessings. We married in 1993 and I initiated a divorce in 1997. She caused me a lot of trouble and stress. It explains a LOT of things. How she kept on telling me I wouldn’t understand why she was behaving erratically. The dozens of extended trips to her home in Toronto. Not really getting into lovemaking. Sending me cryptic letters from Toronto (there was no email back then). If ok about it cause it’s water under the bridge and I was younger and more naïve back then. But part of me is embarrassed cause I didn’t add 2+2 and that I got bamboozled and basically lost 4+ years of my life. Of course [I'm still angry over it] but that’s a different story. I guess I’m just venting cause I haven’t discussed this with anyone IRL. Anyways, any comments or analysis would be appreciated. - Alpha How did you find this out? Did she tell you or someone else? Feeling deceived is a helpless and frustrating feeling, difficult to fade away but don’t let this stop you from living the rest of your life. You’re divorced and free from those issues -as free as you’ll allow yourself to be and distance yourself. If someone else is telling you this be wary of hearsay and other motives. Put the past and its characters behind you. Move forwards. Edited August 14, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Author alphamale Posted August 14, 2022 Author Share Posted August 14, 2022 6 minutes ago, glows said: How did you find this out? Did she tell you or someone else? Feeling deceived is a helpless and frustrating feeling, difficult to fade away but don’t let this stop you from living the rest of your life. You’re divorced and free from those issues -as free as you’ll allow yourself to be and distance yourself. If someone else is telling you this be wary of hearsay and other motives. Put the past and its characters behind you. Move forwards. I learned of it thru a reliable source in the Canadian grapevine. It also matches her behavior during our marriage… Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 9 minutes ago, alphamale said: I learned of it thru a reliable source in the Canadian grapevine. It also matches her behavior during our marriage… Unless it’s coming from her in a heartfelt breakthrough type manner, I’d take it with a grain of salt. Don’t let whoever these people are get to you either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alphamale Posted August 14, 2022 Author Share Posted August 14, 2022 1 minute ago, glows said: Unless it’s coming from her in a heartfelt breakthrough type manner, I’d take it with a grain of salt. Don’t let whoever these people are get to you either. Ok, good advice 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 13 hours ago, alphamale said: I was younger and more naïve back then. But part of me is embarrassed cause I didn’t add 2+2 and that I got bamboozled... When you are younger and naive, you don't have the experience or been exposed to that circumstance, thus you believed your wife (at the time). So this woman is very good at lying, that is a reflection on her and her character. You gave her the "benefit of the doubt", which is what normal people do. I was about that same age (during your marriage) when a woman I was engaged to (and living with) left me for a man with a bigger wallet. She was very cunning and lied through her teeth, as well. She had some friend of hers call me up and brag about how she married this "bigger wallet" guy about a year and a half later. I told this friend "Good for her, she sold her 'wet spot' (not the word I used - but cleaning it up for the forum) to the highest bidder. You do know what that makes her." Then I asked this friend not to contact me again and hung up. I guess my ex-fiancee felt the need to gloat and rub salt in the wound, again a reflection on her and her character. At the end of the day (after the divorce) you have lived well, been happy, done the things you wanted to do and basically enjoyed your life. For me... my "gold digger" fiancee did me a HUGE favor, as I learned from this experience. I know I've had a happier life, enjoyed many more adventures/experiences than if I had married her. Moreover, my finances would have been in the dumpster with that "albatross around my neck". My advice... leave the past in the past and live well, my friend. Blue skies... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alphamale Posted August 14, 2022 Author Share Posted August 14, 2022 43 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: When you are younger and naive, you don't have the experience or been exposed to that circumstance, thus you believed your wife (at the time). So this woman is very good at lying, that is a reflection on her and her character. You gave her the "benefit of the doubt", which is what normal people do. I was about that same age (during your marriage) when a woman I was engaged to (and living with) left me for a man with a bigger wallet. She was very cunning and lied through her teeth, as well. She had some friend of hers call me up and brag about how she married this "bigger wallet" guy about a year and a half later. I told this friend "Good for her, she sold her 'wet spot' (not the word I used - but cleaning it up for the forum) to the highest bidder. You do know what that makes her." Then I asked this friend not to contact me again and hung up. I guess my ex-fiancee felt the need to gloat and rub salt in the wound, again a reflection on her and her character. At the end of the day (after the divorce) you have lived well, been happy, done the things you wanted to do and basically enjoyed your life. For me... my "gold digger" fiancee did me a HUGE favor, as I learned from this experience. I know I've had a happier life, enjoyed many more adventures/experiences than if I had married her. Moreover, my finances would have been in the dumpster with that "albatross around my neck". My advice... leave the past in the past and live well, my friend. Blue skies... Yes, living well and being happy is the best revenge Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 2 minutes ago, alphamale said: Yes, living well and being happy is the best revenge Yes, and you can choose to do it on your own terms. .. Without the added commentary from others looking for trouble and drama. Be with around and listen to people who have your best interests at heart, not those seeking to manipulate you with the past by bringing all of this up again so much later after the fact. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 You've gotten some great advice here. I learned once that a gf was cheating on me. I was furious--for a day. Then it was strange: I realized I was never really into her, the relationship was dead anyway, and the anger just slipped away. You were young. It's Ok to look back on things to see what we didn't know at the time. But you were young. It's really impossible to be as sharp as you'd be now when you're young. Cut yourself a break, credit yourself for doing the best you can. Lots of things like this really are out of our control. Give yourself compassion for having to deal at a young age with an impossible situation---problems but no real clarity as to what was going on. Link to post Share on other sites
an0nym0us123 Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 When my last "relationship" ended my ex told me she needed time on her own, needed to "find herself" told me she loved me and hoped we would get back together some day. Reached out to me 2 months after it ended and told me she still wanted back together someday. Even told me she didn't want to see me with someone else. Soon after I found out she was with someone else, pretty much what I knew all along but didn't want to believe it. I'm over her long ago, but never fully recovered from the lies she told me after, I still can't believe she would say all these things just to keep me on the hook. Turned out she was the most evil person I ever met. Sometimes you just can't see what's in front of you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 41 minutes ago, an0nym0us123 said: When my last "relationship" ended my ex told me she needed time on her own, needed to "find herself" told me she loved me and hoped we would get back together some day. This is the classic line cheaters use when they have someone waiting in the wings they want to explore. They really do mean that after they get their fill of sex with the new person that you will take them back because the other one doesn't want them that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 10 hours ago, alphamale said: I learned of it thru a reliable source in the Canadian grapevine. It also matches her behavior during our marriage… I think this is why it feels important. I suspect that you felt this anyway but maybe didn't want to admit it back then. Once you heard it gave you confirmation and filled the gaps. Its likely you have your answers, and know the major culprit in that marriage failure. Now process it and leave it, no need to dwell now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
an0nym0us123 Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 2 hours ago, stillafool said: This is the classic line cheaters use when they have someone waiting in the wings they want to explore. They really do mean that after they get their fill of sex with the new person that you will take them back because the other one doesn't want them that way. It was a valuable life lesson to never hang around after being dumped, it's just asking to be played. I'm out of there faster than you can blink and any attempt by them to leave the idea of something happening in the future is rapidly shut down. Despite many disappointments I'm trying to push on with life and be successful 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 11 hours ago, alphamale said: I learned of it thru a reliable source in the Canadian grapevine. It also matches her behavior during our marriage… This is something that ended 25 years ago, so why did you go digging or fishing there for any info in a first place? If this is something that was given to you unsolicited, you should've told that source that you don't care and don't need to know any of that. Period. You don't know if the information that you were given is true or not unless it came directly from her. Have you received any counselling? 25 years is way too long to be upset or to hold any grudges, even if they were deserved. Are you still in love with her or want her back? If not, mentally wish her well, forgive her and keep going. Allow past to stay in the past. 19 hours ago, alphamale said: It was a semi-arranged union where both families gave their blessings. Do you think that she was forced or bamboozled into this what you call a sham of a marriage? Do you think that she ended up marrying you to please her family? Or because she could not defy them? Not saying that what she did was right but back there she was a lot younger and maybe not have the right resources or support to handle things better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alphamale Posted August 14, 2022 Author Share Posted August 14, 2022 18 minutes ago, Alvi said: This is something that ended 25 years ago, so why did you go digging or fishing there for any info in a first place? If this is something that was given to you unsolicited, you should've told that source that you don't care and don't need to know any of that. Period. You don't know if the information that you were given is true or not unless it came directly from her. Have you received any counselling? 25 years is way too long to be upset or to hold any grudges, even if they were deserved. Are you still in love with her or want her back? If not, mentally wish her well, forgive her and keep going. Allow past to stay in the past. Do you think that she was forced or bamboozled into this what you call a sham of a marriage? Do you think that she ended up marrying you to please her family? Or because she could not defy them? Not saying that what she did was right but back there she was a lot younger and maybe not have the right resources or support to handle things better. I fell out of love with her after the 1st year of marriage. I have not talked w/her since 1997. yes, she was probably forced into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 14, 2022 Share Posted August 14, 2022 (edited) If I were in a relationship with someone and later found out that it was a sham, it would disturb me. That does not mean that I feel connected to that person, only that I feel that the whole relationship was a form of deception. That's really unfortunate. I'm not sure if you feel emotionally connected to your ex, that is something that only you can answer, that has to be decided. The ability to find a partner with whom we can grow is one of the biggest blessings we can have in life. I can imagine, by the way you ask the question, that right now you are struggling with the feeling that you cannot or won't ever find an authentic relationship in your life. If I could reach through these words and into your heart, I would tell you that you can, and will, find a better relationship. Edited August 14, 2022 by Alpacalia Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 Why are you giving the past so much time and attention? You knew, or had a strong feeling, that she was not true to you during your marriage. I would be thankful that you got out quick and dodge a bullet. As for thinking about her now, I just would not give her the time of day. Why waist thought on a cheater. So now you know for sure. Why does that make a difference? Move on. Hopefully you are with someone who you love and can trust. I wish you luck.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 I'm sure that hurts but honestly you should consider it as 'maybe true' or 'partially true'. This is likely rewriting history a bit so that she doesn't feel as much to blame over what happened. She justified herself by thinking/saying "She loved someone else" so it was ok to treat you poorly/cheat/whatever she did. Somehow people can justify dirty deeds to others if they loved someone else. After all, they wouldn't cheat on someone they really loved or treat them so poorly. They didn't really love you, but they love their current mate so this one will work out. Their behavior was bad because they 'loved someone else'. This is justification for bad behavior that may or may not even be true. You can't change the past. Learn from it and move on the best you can. It has been a long time. She isn't worth the heartache. At all. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 (edited) It is sad, and it's understandable to be sad about it. That said, this is water long under the bridge, so suggest you "process it," i.e., feel your feelings and reach acceptance of the unfortunate situation, and then it hopefully will not trouble you much (as most things that happened in the mid 1990's probably no longer trouble you, except perhaps through transitory recollections). Edited August 15, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
chrysalis3 Posted September 3, 2022 Share Posted September 3, 2022 On 8/14/2022 at 11:03 AM, alphamale said: Yes, living well and being happy is the best revenge Alpha.... This right here! You got this.😊 Link to post Share on other sites
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