Contemplating breakup, but still love him

[sk1977]

Hi all, 

Just looking for support and maybe some clarity. I’m contemplating to break up with my boyfriend of 3 years. We have been living together for almost 2 years. The hard part is I still love him which makes it seem impossible to get the strength to walk away. 
Looking back, ou relationship was doomed from the start. He is an addict, but told me he had been sober for 2 year when we met, which was a complete lie, as he was actively using. He went through rehab and have been sober for 2 years and 3 months now. The trust was broken from the beginning, but we were able to work through it for the most part. The problem is he is emotionally unavailable. He says he loves me, but any conversations that require any sharing of his feelings and thoughts are off the table. For example, I asked me, “what have been the happiest moments of your life so far?”. He said, “I don’t know”. I asked him, “what about me or something I do that turns me on?”. He says these questions make him uncomfortable. And he never asks me similar questions. As a result, I’ve been feeling alone in a relationship. I tried to communicate about my needs ( words of affirmations, touch and conversations), but he says these things are not what he needs and they make him uncomfortable, especially now that I’ve asked for them. This emotional unavailability/immaturity effects our ability to talk about problems in a relationship. He either gets defensive and finds the way to turn it around and place the blame on me, or blows up at me and says something mean or shuts down and walks away from conversations. Most recently, I tried to discuss an issue with me, and his response was “just go to sleep”. Also recently, he told me he is tired of constantly working on our relationship. Where do I go from here? The next week he did insist we go to our biweekly therapist appointment. 
he tells me he loves me, but to me his actions scream the opposite. 
move staying with him thus far, because he always said that he never had great communication skills and his ex wife didn’t seem to require it, so I was hoping that by me initiating these conversations, he would eventually open up. But, no such luck. 

i also found out, after our latest fight that he was bashing me to his sister, saying how he can never make me happy, how he is sick of this relationship and that it’s probably over. Then a few days later he said how much he loved me and how I inspire him to be a better person. How can the same person say these things within 48-hr period?

I feel like he is not going to change and it’s either I have to accept the way things are and have a relationship without emotional intimacy and feeling lonely, or I need to break up with him. But I love him and I’m in my 40s and the clock is ticking and I really don’t want to go back into dating world. I just want honestly, openness, kindness, conversations and affection in my relationship, which he can’t seem to be capable of giving me. 

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Im in so much pain. 
 

[ShyViolet]

You know exactly what you need to do... you need to end this relationship.  This relationship is completely dead and it's not meeting your needs at all.  You are unhappy.  It's not going to get better.  "But I love him" is not a valid reason to delay ending a bad relationship.  Of course it's not easy to break up with someone.  Of course part of you still has feelings for the person.  That's normal but that's not a reason to stay in a toxic relationship with a person who is wrong for you.  You will get over it.  

17 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

But I love him and I’m in my 40s and the clock is ticking
 

"The clock is ticking"?  I don't know what that means.  Yes, the clock is ticking.  The days, months and years will pass you by whether you waste any more time in this bad relationship, or whether you finally end it and give yourself the chance to move on.  It's up to you whether you think it makes sense to waste any more of your years in this dead relationship being unhappy.

[glows]

24 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

Hi all, 

Just looking for support and maybe some clarity. I’m contemplating to break up with my boyfriend of 3 years. We have been living together for almost 2 years. The hard part is I still love him which makes it seem impossible to get the strength to walk away. 
Looking back, ou relationship was doomed from the start. He is an addict, but told me he had been sober for 2 year when we met, which was a complete lie, as he was actively using. He went through rehab and have been sober for 2 years and 3 months now. The trust was broken from the beginning, but we were able to work through it for the most part. The problem is he is emotionally unavailable. He says he loves me, but any conversations that require any sharing of his feelings and thoughts are off the table. For example, I asked me, “what have been the happiest moments of your life so far?”. He said, “I don’t know”. I asked him, “what about me or something I do that turns me on?”. He says these questions make him uncomfortable. And he never asks me similar questions. As a result, I’ve been feeling alone in a relationship. I tried to communicate about my needs ( words of affirmations, touch and conversations), but he says these things are not what he needs and they make him uncomfortable, especially now that I’ve asked for them. This emotional unavailability/immaturity effects our ability to talk about problems in a relationship. He either gets defensive and finds the way to turn it around and place the blame on me, or blows up at me and says something mean or shuts down and walks away from conversations. Most recently, I tried to discuss an issue with me, and his response was “just go to sleep”. Also recently, he told me he is tired of constantly working on our relationship. Where do I go from here? The next week he did insist we go to our biweekly therapist appointment. 
he tells me he loves me, but to me his actions scream the opposite. 
move staying with him thus far, because he always said that he never had great communication skills and his ex wife didn’t seem to require it, so I was hoping that by me initiating these conversations, he would eventually open up. But, no such luck. 

i also found out, after our latest fight that he was bashing me to his sister, saying how he can never make me happy, how he is sick of this relationship and that it’s probably over. Then a few days later he said how much he loved me and how I inspire him to be a better person. How can the same person say these things within 48-hr period?

I feel like he is not going to change and it’s either I have to accept the way things are and have a relationship without emotional intimacy and feeling lonely, or I need to break up with him. But I love him and I’m in my 40s and the clock is ticking and I really don’t want to go back into dating world. I just want honestly, openness, kindness, conversations and affection in my relationship, which he can’t seem to be capable of giving me. 

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Im in so much pain. 
 

It’s run its course. Do you mind me asking why you began a relationship with an addict or were you not aware until you had moved in or it was too late? You’ve had other threads about him and trying to break this off. When it comes to an exit plan or planning to leave, it boils down to being prepared and having somewhere to go, closing this chapter for good and learning from old mistakes choosing partners. Have a plan before leaving and know where you’d like to be instead. You already know this isn’t working. 

The only way to get out is to keep your eyes forwards not looking backwards. The time for going over his issues is over. It’s the future now so keep your eyes forward and deal with the logistics and plain A to B. 

[stillafool]

He's as sick of your relationship as you are and I bet the only reason he's going to therapy with you is because you wanted it.  He is emotionally unavailable and so was his ex wife.  It's excruciating for an emotionally unavailable person to be called on the carpet constantly to discuss states of emotions.  I know because I've been there.  It's only a matter of time before even he thinks that love is not enough to stay.  But let me ask you, every week there's an issue with you being unhappy and dissatisfied, aren't you tired yet and want to improve your life?  I agree @ShyVioletthat "because I love him" is not a valid reason.  As you can see therapy is not even working so I don't know what we can say on this board that would help you move on.

[sk1977]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

"The clock is ticking"?  I don't know what that means.  Yes, the clock is ticking.  The days, months and years will pass you by whether you waste any more time in this bad relationship, or whether you finally end it and give yourself the chance to move on.  It's up to you whether you think it makes sense to waste any more of your years in this dead relationship being unhappy.

Thank you for this! I never thought of it this way until you pointed it out. I appreciate it.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, sk1977 said:

I love him and I’m in my 40s and the clock is ticking and I really don’t want to go back into dating world.

 Is it your place, his place or do you co-own or co-lease? You could limp along further unhappily and disconnected or you could seek individual therapy to address your codependence.

[sk1977]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Is it your place, his place or do you co-own or co-lease? You could limp along further unhappily and disconnected or you could seek individual therapy to address your codependence.

The lease is in my name. He wouldn’t be able to afford this place on his own, so I will most likely be staying here and he will go live with his parents.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, sk1977 said:

The lease is in my name. He wouldn’t be able to afford this place on his own, so I will most likely be staying here and he will go live with his parents.

That is a good plan. He's dead weight.

[glows]

Just now, sk1977 said:

The lease is in my name. He wouldn’t be able to afford this place on his own, so I will most likely be staying here and he will go live with his parents.

Then tell him to leave with appropriate notice. It’s a matter of logistics only. The relationship has been long finished. Do what you have to do and take your time healing/mourning the loss later.

[sk1977]

Today is day 4 since he left. Feeling awful. Any words of advice and wisdom? 

[flitzanu]

On 8/14/2022 at 11:03 AM, sk1977 said:

. He either gets defensive and finds the way to turn it around and place the blame on me, or blows up at me and says something mean or shuts down and walks away from conversations.

Most recently, I tried to discuss an issue with me, and his response was “just go to sleep”.

Also recently, he told me he is tired of constantly working on our relationship.

i also found out, after our latest fight that he was bashing me to his sister, saying how he can never make me happy, how he is sick of this relationship and that it’s probably over. 

 

 

i know your last post was asking for encouragement since it ended 4 days ago, but ^^^ those should tell you that you made the right decision.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, sk1977 said:

Today is day 4 since he left. Feeling awful. Any words of advice and wisdom? 

What you're feeling is normal.  Breakups hurt even when you know it has to be done.  Get out of the house and socialize, find something to do to keep you busy just don't contact him or take his calls.  Okay?

[sk1977]

Thank you!

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship needed to end, yes. 

You want him to be someone he just isn't, and will never be. It's understandable that you would like a partner to meet you halfway and be attentive to your needs, and what you're searching for is not too much - but he isn't the guy who is going to be that person for you. 

Getting back into the dating world is going to be far more productive than wasting time in a relationship that clearly was already dead. 

[glows]

14 hours ago, sk1977 said:

Today is day 4 since he left. Feeling awful. Any words of advice and wisdom? 

The first week or two is usually the most raw so give yourself plenty of understanding and patience, TLC and don't expect much of yourself in the next few days. Do easy things, relax, chat with friends, don't be afraid to cry and if you're feeling sleepless there are movies to watch. You both were living together so this may take longer than a couple of weeks before you're feeling more like yourself. 

Relationships take a lot out of us so learn to give back to yourself. Maybe you've forgotten about a few things you like to do? Or there was something that your ex didn't like about you that you're wanting to try again. It's about rediscovering yourself and being comfortable with who you are. That's how we heal and move forward.

[sk1977]

Thank you so much! That’s really helpful!

My family lives in a different country, so it’s just me and my adult children. My world revolved around him, and suddenly I’m all alone and I don’t have a strong support system to lean on, unfortunately. It’s pretty much just me and my dog. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, sk1977 said:

Thank you so much! That’s really helpful!

My family lives in a different country, so it’s just me and my adult children. My world revolved around him, and suddenly I’m all alone and I don’t have a strong support system to lean on, unfortunately. It’s pretty much just me and my dog. 

That’s more than what others have. Often the key to happiness is recognizing what we do have and also practicing gratitude. If you have health, family and ability to create a new life for yourself you’re already on your way. 

I found it difficult to adjust at first to being alone but it had to be done, no two ways about it and feeling sorry for myself was not an option. In your private moments away from family or your other commitments be gentle with yourself and do those easy, relaxing things you love to do and rediscover yourself. You’ll get through it day by day.