Fiancé left me and called off wedding [UPDATED]

[ajc95]

Hello...I'm new and happened to stumble across this community while desparately trying to heal and cope. Here is my story and any insight, advice, and experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Here is our background story:

My ex-fiancé and I were together for 4 years. We are currently 27 and 28. We met when I was 23 and he was 24. We knew each other through a mutual friend and when he took me out on a first date, our chemistry was undeniable. It was pretty much love at first sight (on his end). He even told me later on that he went into work the day after our first date and accounced to everyone that he's going to marry me and that I was "the one". He had been single for 6 years prior to me and his previous 2 relationships were just high school relationships. I was his first real adult relationship as well as the first girl he ever took on a real first date. Not to say he didn't experience many girls because prior to me, he had a lot of flings, hookups, friends with benefits...but nothing serious due to the fact that he had never been the type to settle for a girl that wasn't "worth settling down for". I came along and he wanted to lock me down ASAP. Just like all relationships, the honeymoon phase of our relationship was a dream. We traveled to New York only 2 months after we started dating and while we were there, he took me to a bridge in Central Park where he promised me he'd "marry me one day". He was always extremely sure about me since day 1. Even took me to a jeweler to get my ring size a few months into the relationship....Things were moving fast but it just felt right. We got pregnant 8 months into the relationship with twins. He was ecstatic. We eventually moved in together into our own apartment to start our lives as a family.

 

When I met him, he wasn't making much money and his family comes from a very poor background while my family is upper middle class. He always told me he felt I was "out of his league". He treated me EXTREMELY well and practically worshipped the ground I walked on...He was very good to me. Whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, he would make it happen. He did everything he could to make me happy. Unfortunately, postpartum depression hit me pretty hard and our relationship took a turn for the worse. I was not aware that it was postpartum depression at the time. We started fighting more and more and our fights got more toxic over time (on my end). I started name calling, insulting, putting him down. I admit, I started treating him like crap. I would scream and yell at him and nothing he ever did was good enough yet he would still try so hard to make me happy. Fast forward another year...he got a job change. His salary increased by $100,000 on top of what he was making previously....The first thing he did with the increase in money was move us into MY dream apartment. I've always had a dream apartment I wanted to live in where rent cost an arm and a leg...but that didn't matter to him. He immediately signed a lease for us there the moment he made enough money for it and made "my dream" come true. I was a full time stay at home mom with our twins at this point. He paid for everything. During our year lease at my dream apartment, we continued to fight, argue, etc but we were also still very much so in love. Later that year, (3rd year of being together), he flew me out to New York on the exact date he promised me marriage years prior, and proposed with my dream ring.

After we got engaged, things got worse again. His job became more demanding and my depression got worse due to being cooped up at home 24/7 with the kids...He begged and begged me for months to go to therapy but I never listened to him...I didn't realize how bad it got. We continued to fight and I became verbally abusive. He'd continuously forgive me and continuously do things to try to make me happy while I took it for granted....

Finally, year 4. This year. We moved out of the city and into a more affordable apartment. We were in the beginning stages of wedding planning. We had already but a deposit down for a venue and picked a date for a wedding next year...Around April of this year, he got a call from work saying his schedule was about to permanently change. They put him on a 4am-2pm schedule...Our home life was already very set in stone with our routine with our kids so this completely threw everything off....He started his new schedule in May. It was extremely rough at first but we had no choice but to make it work. He'd go to work at 4am everyday and then would come home and nap for an hour or two before spending the rest of the evening doing things as a family and helping me with the kids. The kids would eventually go to bed around 9pm and he'd force himself to stay up late to spend more time with me before having to sleep again for 3-4 hours and then heading to work again....Eventually, this took a toll. He was overworked and was no longer present when with me and the kids. I took offense to this and took it personally as if he didn't care anymore. I started to resent him for working so much. This resulted in him coming home to be being upset with him everyday....over time...he started coming home later and later....He started resenting me too. On his end, he was working hard to provide for the family and I was very ungrateful for greeting him with a frown everyday and complaining...but on my end, I just wanted to spend more time with him and missed him. This happened throughout May and the beginning of June until one day, he finally snapped. We had gotten into a small argument over something extremely stupid and he broke up with me. Called off the engagement. Called off the wedding. Told me he did not see himself marrying me anymore. Said he still loves me as the mother of his children but no longer has any romantic feelings of love left for me. I begged. I cried. I bargained. I couldn't believe it. I told him I'd change. Nothing worked. His mind was made up. He told me every single thing I did wrong throughout the entire relationship even tho he had "forgiven" me for those things long ago. He brought up the fact that I never went to therapy for my depression when he begged me to. He called me verbally abusive. He told me I never helped out financially even though he always told me I could be a stay at home mom....He felt that I did not contribute enough by just being a stay at home mom. I admit, I did get lazy towards the end and lacked motivation due to my depression. I should have gotten help for it. He told me there's no chance he's ever getting back together with me because that's not the life he wants...to come home to an angry wife everyday. He told me he couldn't picture a happy marriage with me and that we'd just get a divorce...Here's the confusing part. He was still telling me how excited he was to marry me and how much he loved me in huge paragraphs days before he ended everything....Yes, he worked more to avoid coming home to me but in terms of how he talked to me and the things he'd say, he was still so sweet and loving up until the last day...

 

3 days after we broke up, we were still living together at this point...I noticed he had added a new girl on his LinkedIn. I asked him about it since he always talks about everyone he works with. He told me she's a new hire on his team and nothing to worry about. A week later, I noticed her texting him at 8pm at night...Which is odd for a coworker to do especially since they have a messaging app for work and she texted his personal number. He reassured me saying it was nothing. Two weeks after breaking up, I couldn't handle being around him anymore because it was torture getting consistently rejected by him. Our daughters and I ended up moving out and went to live with my parents. I had to stop by the apartment one day (2 weeks post-breakup) and saw he was asleep. I noticed his phone light up and it was the new coworker again...I ended up reading their messages. They were HEAVILY flirting. "Come in my office;)" "You're so bossy;)" etc...He even told her he brought her snacks to work...I was devastated because it felt like he emotionally cheated and threw us all away for her. I confronted him about it and he gaslit me and told me it was all MY fault our relationship ended and that he deserved better. He told me how relieved he was that he left me. He kicked me out after that.

 

It has been exactly 2 months now since he broke up with me. I have gotten to a point where I have now finally accepted things and we coparent weekly and have a civil relationship. I stopped begging after the initial month. Now we only discuss our children and nothing more. I have to see him multiple times a week due to coparenting. I don't believe he is still talking to his coworker because turns out, she's married...but I do believe he is dating around and talking to other people casually.

 

I know I made myself sound extremely bad in this post. The reason I did that is because I want to show that I have reflected enough on everything I've done wrong in the relationship and I own up to my toxic behaviors. I am in therapy now and am working on becoming a better person. He knows this and supports it but still says he does not feel his romantic feelings for me will return. Some days, we tease each other, joke around like old times...other days, he's cold and distant and it's strictly about to kids.

 

It doesn't seem that he misses our old life at all...I don't truly blame him but I am making big improvements on my end...Therapy, looking for a job, etc. I'm wondering if there is any chance for us to reconcile down the road and become a family again. The problems we had are all things that can be fixed and are being fixed on my end...It's just that it has been 2 months now and still no signs of him missing me romantically. I went to several psychics that were rated extremely well (people said their predictions came true) and the psychics all told me he'd come back around November....

 

I guess I'm just looking for hope. Our relationship now isn't the worst...very platonic and to the point tho...Very indifferent...but the thing is that if I bring up the relationship at all, he gets VERY angry and starts bringing up how it was all my fault things ended so I can't tell if he's truly over it or not. We have so many amazing memories together. It sucks I can't do full No Contact to help him miss me....I still have to talk to him and see him all the time. Right now, I'm focused on my kids...but ideally, I'd love to heal in therapy and be a family again...

Edited September 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

31 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

Very indifferent...but the thing is that if I bring up the relationship at all, he gets VERY angry and starts bringing up how it was all my fault things ended so I can't tell if he's truly over it or not.

Welcome to LoveShack.  I'm sorry about your broken engagement and the pain you're suffering as a result.  However, it seems your ex is done with the relationship.  If he has twins with you and still has no interest in reconciling now, it's doubtful this will change in my opinion.  He had already started getting over you before he actually broke up and that is why it was so easy for him to move on and be sure he didn't want to reconcile.  It's good you're in therapy to control your anger issues as this will be helpful for your next relationship.  I think at this point and with your ongoing therapy you will have a healthy co-parenting relationship with your ex.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ajc95 said:

We had gotten into a small argument over something extremely stupid and he broke up with me. Called off the engagement. Called off the wedding. He called me verbally abusive. .He felt that I did not contribute enough by just being a stay at home mom

I ended up moving out and went to live with my parents. It has been exactly 2 months now since he broke up with me. I have gotten to a point where I have now finally accepted things and we coparent weekly and have a civil relationship.

Sorry this happened. Yes, continue treatment for your physical and mental health. Are your parents supporting you? Are you working? Are you receiving child support for the children? Do you have a formal court ordered visitation/custody/child support in place? Unfortunately it sounds like this situation with the coworker overlapped and contributed to the breakup.

[Weezy1973]

As much as it seemed like he just snapped and broke up with you to you, I’m sure he had been ruminating about it for awhile. Maybe even more than a year doing mental pros and cons. Therefore I don’t think there’s much hope of getting back together. And honestly, from how you describe the relationship, I think he did the right it thing.

[ajc95]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Welcome to LoveShack.  I'm sorry about your broken engagement and the pain you're suffering as a result.  However, it seems your ex is done with the relationship.  If he has twins with you and still has no interest in reconciling now, it's doubtful this will change in my opinion.  He had already started getting over you before he actually broke up and that is why it was so easy for him to move on and be sure he didn't want to reconcile.  It's good you're in therapy to control your anger issues as this will be helpful for your next relationship.  I think at this point and with your ongoing therapy you will have a healthy co-parenting relationship with your ex.  

I understand where you're coming from...but we were together for 4 years and had just put our wedding venue deposit down a month prior so I feel there's a lot on the line...on top of having a family together. I noticed many people say the relief period can last up to 2-3 months, especially if the dumpee begged a lot in the beginning...which I did. I begged for a solid month before I slowly started detaching.

[ajc95]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Yes, continue treatment for your physical and mental health. Are your parents supporting you? Are you working? Are you receiving child support for the children? Do you have a formal court ordered visitation/custody/child support in place? Unfortunately it sounds like this situation with the coworker overlapped and contributed to the breakup.

I'm doing really well with weekly therapy. My parents are helping out a lot with my kids until I can get back up on my feet. I am currently not working but will be soon. I'm not receiving "child support" where a lawyer is involved but he is sending me money weekly for the kids or whenever I ask. We do not have formal visitation orders or anything in place. We came up with our own weekly schedule.

 

Yes, I am 80% sure the coworker played a part in our breakup. I found out shortly after the breakup that they met the beginning of May which was when he started his new work shift. They started working closely together around then and that was also when problems at home with me started...I assume he'd go into work upset and she was interested in him so she saw that as an opportunity to try to get him to confide in her and she ultimately convinced him he "deserved better" and to leave me. EVERYONE at his work knows me and our daughters. They knew when he was getting ready to propose to me, etc. This new girl was definitely not a good person (the fact that she was flirting with him and has a husband...) They were definitely lowkey. He's technically her boss. I don't believe they are still talking because I called him out on it but I do believe she was the one that pushed him to end things and was whispering bad things in his ear about me.

[ajc95]

58 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

As much as it seemed like he just snapped and broke up with you to you, I’m sure he had been ruminating about it for awhile. Maybe even more than a year doing mental pros and cons. Therefore I don’t think there’s much hope of getting back together. And honestly, from how you describe the relationship, I think he did the right it thing.

Like I said, I know where I went wrong and that I took him for granted...but I did a lot for him too. I just did not mention it in the post. Sure, maybe he thought about the idea for a while, but definitely not for more than a year. He literally proposed to me the year prior and spent $22,000 on the proposal. I get that it's not about the money but why would anyone invest that much into a proposal that was also thinking about ending things....Plus, we had just put our deposit down for our wedding venue the month prior. He was excited.

[Els]

I'm sorry to hear that. It was just way too much way too soon, IMO. Having kids (especially twins) can put immense pressure on a relationship, as you have no doubt realized. In most relationships that survive this, the people involved usually have a solid foundation of love, trust, good memories, and having learned how to work and live with each other, to carry them through this difficult period. With only 8 months together, it would have been much more difficult for you. And it seems that all spiralled down, through a vicious cycle, into what the relationship has become.

I'm glad you are in therapy. Also, you SHOULD get a lawyer involved for child support, because with the way things are, he could stop paying at any time and you would have no recourse. Please take care of your children, and yourself. You will heal.

[ajc95]

8 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

I'm sorry to hear that. It was just way too much way too soon, IMO. Having kids (especially twins) can put immense pressure on a relationship, as you have no doubt realized. In most relationships that survive this, the people involved usually have a solid foundation of love, trust, good memories, and having learned how to work and live with each other, to carry them through this difficult period. With only 8 months together, it would have been much more difficult for you. And it seems that all spiralled down, through a vicious cycle, into what the relationship has become.

I'm glad you are in therapy. Also, you SHOULD get a lawyer involved for child support, because with the way things are, he could stop paying at any time and you would have no recourse. Please take care of your children, and yourself. You will heal.

I'm honestly wondering if this is an indirect case of GIGS...?

[Els]

3 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

I'm honestly wondering if this is an indirect case of GIGS...?

No, I don't think so. It definitely sounds like things were bad for a long time between the two of you, and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

[ajc95]

2 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

No, I don't think so. It definitely sounds like things were bad for a long time between the two of you, and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Well, that sucks. I've been detaching slowly. I no longer bring up the relationship and everything is strictly about the kids...but behind closed doors, I'm hurting a lot and have LOTS of regrets...It's worse when I can't even do full no contact. Seeing him multiple times a week is such torture.

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

I'm honestly wondering if this is an indirect case of GIGS...?

I don't think so either.  It's not like he's moved on to someone else.  I don't think you should blame his decision to break up with you on his married coworker; but put it where it belongs which is his unhappiness and the events between you two that lead to it.  I agree you should not wait to file for child support because your babies deserve what is owed to them by both of you.  You mentioned your parents are helping you with the kids until you get back on your feet.  Have you also been ill?

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

...It's worse when I can't even do full no contact. Seeing him multiple times a week is such torture.

Since your parents are helping with the kids maybe they can be the go between for you about visitation and other matters related to the kids until you're in a better place.  It will help you to not have contact with him.

[ajc95]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Since your parents are helping with the kids maybe they can be the go between for you about visitation and other matters related to the kids until you're in a better place.  It will help you to not have contact with him.

I have been severely depressed since the breakup. I was already suffering from depression but the breakup made it a billion times worse. I was also a stay at home prior so now I need to look for a job as well. My parents HATE my ex now so they refuse to even see him near their house....There's no way they'd ever be the in-between. Also, I have no idea if my ex is currently with someone or not. I feel he is on dating apps and talking to girls casually but nothing serious. He's exploring his options.

[stillafool]

Doesn't he come over and pick up the twins for visits?

[ajc95]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Doesn't he come over and pick up the twins for visits?

Yes, we meet at the very end of the driveway by the sidewalk

[ajc95]

Long story short, my ex-fiancé and I were together for 4 years, engaged for 1, before he ended our relationship. We have 2 kids together that we coparent weekly. He ended the relationship due to stress of home life, fighting, and overall unhappiness the last several months and caused him to doubt marriage with me as well as fall out of love.

When we first broke up, I begged for a solid month. Soon after that, I began to detach as the kids and I had moved out. I still want him back but no longer show it. He was extremely cold and distant towards me immediately after ending things but the more I have detached, the more I see him feeling comfortable to speak to me in a friendlier way. We now are civil and only talk about the kids. Does anyone have any experience or advice on if limited contact will work as well as no contact when it comes to creating a sense of loss for him? I know he will go through the stages of breakup and he most likely has been in the "relief stage". We are 2 months post breakup. I'm afraid us constantly being in contact about the children and seeing each other is preventing him from "missing me" and feeling the void.

[ShyViolet]

You can't "make" him miss you.  Stop trying to think of strategies to "make" him want to get back together with you.  That is not how any of this works.  You need to accept reality for what it is, and take his actions at face value.  If he wanted to get back together with you, he would be letting you know that.  

This is a very complicated situation since you have these kids together and so you are forced to stay in each other's lives no matter what.  The best thing you can do is give him some time to process all this, do not push the issue of reconciling.  At some point  you can ask him if he is open to working on things and reconciling.  If he says no, then you need to accept that.  That isn't your cue to start thinking of strategies to change his mind or "make" him miss you.  It will not work.

[ajc95]

23 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You can't "make" him miss you.  Stop trying to think of strategies to "make" him want to get back together with you.  That is not how any of this works.  You need to accept reality for what it is, and take his actions at face value.  If he wanted to get back together with you, he would be letting you know that.  

This is a very complicated situation since you have these kids together and so you are forced to stay in each other's lives no matter what.  The best thing you can do is give him some time to process all this, do not push the issue of reconciling.  At some point  you can ask him if he is open to working on things and reconciling.  If he says no, then you need to accept that.  That isn't your cue to start thinking of strategies to change his mind or "make" him miss you.  It will not work.

I get that. I'm not trying to manipulate, trick, or do any of that. I'm simply hoping for an option for me to give him the time and space needed for him to potentially see things in a different light.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't worry about him and who he is flirting with. Focus on getting your own life together.

The only way things will reconcile is if you get yourself to a great place and he sees that. But you can't just fix yourself for him. You have to do it for you.

You guys got together young and there is some immaturity here. The whole "he gave me everything I wanted." There is no such thing. There is such a feeling and fantasy. But we are ultimately on this earth as ourselves. No one can inject happiness into us or provide life meaning for us. The other problem with his giving you everything you wanted, the fancy apartment and all of that, is that you guys lost sight of the important stuff. And the important stuff is how you relate to each other outside of fantasy. Important stuff is learning how to argue constructively. 

You messed up big time by not going to therapy. You know that by now hopefully, but it is still worth discussing. I'll be blunt: when a partner says you're really depressed and you need to go therapy, then really we need to just go. It's no different than if you saw him struggling to breath and clutching his chest in pain. You'd insist that he go to a doctor. And if he resisted, that's really destructive for a relationship, really destructive.

Sorry to hear you were unaware that you were depressed. Can I ask: where have you been that you were unaware of depression. It's widely talked about these days. Hugely. People are even talking a lot about anxiety these days. Heck when covid arrived, there were tons of reports of how covid was leading to deterioration of people's mental health. 

I had a really tense relationship with my ex, and when she told me I needed to get on some meds for anxiety and obsession, I immediately went to see a doctor. Immediately. By not going to get treatment, you basically dumped a bunch of toxic manure onto him. There are times when we will dump manure on a partner. People get sick with serious diseases and disabling conditions. The partner has to pick up a lot of slack. But people can pick up that slack when they know their partner is doing everything they can to get healthy. When a partner--you in this case--is refusing treatment, not doing everything they can to get healthy, and is therefore placing an extra burden--in this case a toxic burden--onto them, the other partner is going to be enraged.

You really need to make sure you're at a great therapist, someone really smart who you really connect with. That's what the research says can lead to good results. Also sounds like you might need to be on meds. Postpartum is no joke at all. 

Having been tough on you, I now say you can get through this. It will be hard, but it will be for the best. You need to do some maturing. Marriage doesn't necessarily people. One point though: your focus is wrong. You need to focus on getting your mental and emotional health to a good place. That's what leads to good relationships and connections. Quit focusing on him. Forget about him for now. That's your adolescent fantasies at work.  You guys could reconcile tomorrow and if you're not in a good place, the relationship will fall apart again. Work on yourself and in time he will notice. Can't guarantee he'll want to reconcile. But there's no way he'll way to reconcile unless you get on top of that depression. You also need to figure out what self-destructive block you had to ignoring his words to get therapy. That was a serious block and blind spot. Not saying it's a crime. We grow up in families with blind spots. But please dig deep and fix that blind spot. Get on that--for your children and for you! 

You guys might have been able to survive had you not had children so soon and if you had gotten help earlier. You might have survived with just your depression as long as you were getting help for it. (he'd have patience and respect for you.) But being depressed & refusing help & having kids & the crazy schedule he got on was just far too much for you guys. 

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

When we first broke up, I begged for a solid month. Soon after that, I began to detach as the kids and I had moved out. I still want him back but no longer show it. He was extremely cold and distant towards me immediately after ending things but the more I have detached, the more I see him feeling comfortable to speak to me in a friendlier way. We now are civil and only talk about the kids. Does anyone have any experience or advice on if limited contact will work as well as no contact when it comes to creating a sense of loss for him? I know he will go through the stages of breakup and he most likely has been in the "relief stage". We are 2 months post breakup. I'm afraid us constantly being in contact about the children and seeing each other is preventing him from "missing me" and feeling the void.

I'm sorry you and your little family are in this situation.  The reason he's becoming more comfortable in talking with you is that you're no longer making him uncomfortable with wanting another chance.  He's now seeing it as functional co-parenting.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to make him miss you.  After all, the point of No Contact is to allow each person to move on as much as is possible. Obviously you can't do NC, so limited contact is the best you'll get.

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

I get that. I'm not trying to manipulate, trick, or do any of that. I'm simply hoping for an option for me to give him the time and space needed for him to potentially see things in a different light.

He's getting that time now that you are apart.

If you are struggling with your depression still maybe it would be best for him to take the children for a while and then you won't have to see him.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry you and your little family are in this situation.  The reason he's becoming more comfortable in talking with you is that you're no longer making him uncomfortable with wanting another chance.  He's now seeing it as functional co-parenting.

 

This is exactly what I was getting ready to say.  He feels more comfortable because he thinks you have accepted what is to come.  I know you miss your prior life but things have changed and probably will not return to as was.  You have to get your health and depression under control so you can co-parent your babies and look for a job and possibly your own place to live.  You will get child support.

[ajc95]

12 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Don't worry about him and who he is flirting with. Focus on getting your own life together.

The only way things will reconcile is if you get yourself to a great place and he sees that. But you can't just fix yourself for him. You have to do it for you.

You guys got together young and there is some immaturity here. The whole "he gave me everything I wanted." There is no such thing. There is such a feeling and fantasy. But we are ultimately on this earth as ourselves. No one can inject happiness into us or provide life meaning for us. The other problem with his giving you everything you wanted, the fancy apartment and all of that, is that you guys lost sight of the important stuff. And the important stuff is how you relate to each other outside of fantasy. Important stuff is learning how to argue constructively. 

You messed up big time by not going to therapy. You know that by now hopefully, but it is still worth discussing. I'll be blunt: when a partner says you're really depressed and you need to go therapy, then really we need to just go. It's no different than if you saw him struggling to breath and clutching his chest in pain. You'd insist that he go to a doctor. And if he resisted, that's really destructive for a relationship, really destructive.

Sorry to hear you were unaware that you were depressed. Can I ask: where have you been that you were unaware of depression. It's widely talked about these days. Hugely. People are even talking a lot about anxiety these days. Heck when covid arrived, there were tons of reports of how covid was leading to deterioration of people's mental health. 

I had a really tense relationship with my ex, and when she told me I needed to get on some meds for anxiety and obsession, I immediately went to see a doctor. Immediately. By not going to get treatment, you basically dumped a bunch of toxic manure onto him. There are times when we will dump manure on a partner. People get sick with serious diseases and disabling conditions. The partner has to pick up a lot of slack. But people can pick up that slack when they know their partner is doing everything they can to get healthy. When a partner--you in this case--is refusing treatment, not doing everything they can to get healthy, and is therefore placing an extra burden--in this case a toxic burden--onto them, the other partner is going to be enraged.

You really need to make sure you're at a great therapist, someone really smart who you really connect with. That's what the research says can lead to good results. Also sounds like you might need to be on meds. Postpartum is no joke at all. 

Having been tough on you, I now say you can get through this. It will be hard, but it will be for the best. You need to do some maturing. Marriage doesn't necessarily people. One point though: your focus is wrong. You need to focus on getting your mental and emotional health to a good place. That's what leads to good relationships and connections. Quit focusing on him. Forget about him for now. That's your adolescent fantasies at work.  You guys could reconcile tomorrow and if you're not in a good place, the relationship will fall apart again. Work on yourself and in time he will notice. Can't guarantee he'll want to reconcile. But there's no way he'll way to reconcile unless you get on top of that depression. You also need to figure out what self-destructive block you had to ignoring his words to get therapy. That was a serious block and blind spot. Not saying it's a crime. We grow up in families with blind spots. But please dig deep and fix that blind spot. Get on that--for your children and for you! 

You guys might have been able to survive had you not had children so soon and if you had gotten help earlier. You might have survived with just your depression as long as you were getting help for it. (he'd have patience and respect for you.) But being depressed & refusing help & having kids & the crazy schedule he got on was just far too much for you guys. 

I want to thank you, whoever you are, for delivering this messaging in such a constructive yet gentle way. These are all things I am now aware of and I own up to all my faults. I currently go to therapy once a week but am thinking about finding a second therapist and going twice a week on top of getting on antidepressants.

 

Truth is, I was depressed growing up. I was actually suicidal in high school. I was emotionally and verbally abused to the max by my own mother and was told I was and will never be good enough. Constantly put down. I ended up in therapy back then, was on meds. I am no stranger to depression. After I went off to college and was away from my mom, I thought those days were over...and they were, for the most part! My depression did not strike up again until after I had the kids and honestly, I think I was in full denial about it because I did not want to believe I was back in that dark place I was in many years ago. I told myself it was just stress. I continuously told myself that throughout the relationship. I denied it. I didn't want to believe it because I wanted to believe so bad that I wouldn't fall back into that hole my mom had put me in many years ago....So I think that's why I refused to get help. That was my mental block. I ended up ruining everything due to that and I'm learning from it now.

[ajc95]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

This is exactly what I was getting ready to say.  He feels more comfortable because he thinks you have accepted what is to come.  I know you miss your prior life but things have changed and probably will not return to as was.  You have to get your health and depression under control so you can co-parent your babies and look for a job and possibly your own place to live.  You will get child support.

He cannot take the kids because he works a full time job and his hours are 4am-2pm remember? So who would watch the kids when he has to leave for work at 4am? He refuses to hire a nanny....Plus, he is so focused and obsessed with his work, the kids would not be under the best care with him.

 

I guess my question is why is that this forum is filled with people talking about their exes coming back and wanting another chance, reconciliation, dumpers regret, etc...yet somehow, my case is apparently different? I understand you all are trying to not give me false hope...but at the same time, I see time and time again, people talking about how exes came back after several months apart. In my case, wouldn't it be an even better case since we have children that ties us together?