Fiancé left me and called off wedding [UPDATED]

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, ajc95 said:

He cannot take the kids because he works a full time job and his hours are 4am-2pm remember? So who would watch the kids when he has to leave for work at 4am? He refuses to hire a nanny....Plus, he is so focused and obsessed with his work, the kids would not be under the best care with him.

 

I guess my question is why is that this forum is filled with people talking about their exes coming back and wanting another chance, reconciliation, dumpers regret, etc...yet somehow, my case is apparently different? I understand you all are trying to not give me false hope...but at the same time, I see time and time again, people talking about how exes came back after several months apart. In my case, wouldn't it be an even better case since we have children that ties us together?

I see about the kids.  Too bad that he doesn't want to hire a Nanny but doesn't mind using your parents as one.  Also he has time and space to go on dates if he chooses with those hours.

Please tell us about the threads of on this forum of people getting back together and are happy?  They are usually married people.  Most people who reconcile and are happy don't return.  I think there is one Poster from a long time ago who is back and happy but she's a married woman.  Let us know.

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

I guess my question is why is that this forum is filled with people talking about their exes coming back and wanting another chance, reconciliation, dumpers regret, etc...yet somehow, my case is apparently different? I understand you all are trying to not give me false hope...but at the same time, I see time and time again, people talking about how exes came back after several months apart. In my case, wouldn't it be an even better case since we have children that ties us together?

It's confirmation bias.  You seek a certain kind of thread and it tells you what you want to hear.   But as someone who spends far too much time here, I can tell you there are also an enormous amount of posts where someone is done and gone.

I'm sorry

Edited August 15, 2022 by basil67

[ajc95]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I see about the kids.  Too bad that he doesn't want to hire a Nanny but doesn't mind using your parents as one.  Also he has time and space to go on dates if he chooses with those hours.

Please tell us about the threads of on this forum of people getting back together and are happy?  They are usually married people.  Most people who reconcile and are happy don't return.  I think there is one Poster from a long time ago who is back and happy but she's a married woman.  Let us know.

I agree with you. He's being extremely selfish and unfair and my parents feel that way too....on the other hand, I was unfair towards him and selfish during the relationship at times so it shuts me up...

 

I just mean I've seen a lot of posts about exes returning. I get it. I just don't understand why all the sweet gestures up until the very last day of the relationship. I almost wish he distanced himself mor'

[ajc95]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's confirmation bias.  You seek a certain kind of thread and it tells you what you want to hear.   But as someone who spends far too much time here, I can tell you there are also an enormous amount of posts where someone is done and gone.

I'm sorry

Thanks. Zero percent chance he's coming back. Got it.

[basil67]

I didn't say that there's zero percent of a chance.  Just that there are also a lot of relationships which are ended once and for all.     And that there's probably nothing you can do to make him miss you.

Edited August 15, 2022 by basil67

[ajc95]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I didn't say that there's zero percent of a chance.  Just that there are also a lot of relationships which are ended once and for all.     And that there's probably nothing you can do to make him miss you.

I know...but speak of the devil.......he just randomly texted me "good night thanks for being supermom"....

[Lotsgoingon]

So sorry to hear of the horrible childhood abuse you suffered and the pain of depression.

I got depressed in my final two years of college. In a way that was good timing for me, because I was surrounded by a lot of warm and loving friends in college. Had I been living at home, I probably would have absorbed some stigma around depression. So you may have absorbed some stigma and shame about depression treatment given the horrible things you mother said to you (so sorry for this). And I'll be honest: I think the first time that college depression returned for me, like 5 years later, I was in denial. Feeling some shame and fear and really wanting not to imagine I was going back to that horrible place I was in college.

So I'm thinking I was too harsh on you in my post. Given your background, your hesitation to resume therapy makes total sense. When parents attack us, going for help can seem to confirm the nastiness charges of the parent. Not quite logical, but people go there easily. And postpartum depression is still hard for people to admit to and gets widely missed by doctors and spouses. 

And it makes sense now why you would bond so powerfully with this guy who was so supportive and warm, so charmed by you and generous with you. Totally makes sense. Opposite of mom. 

BTW: one of the best therapists I had asked me to come 2x a week, and I made more progress with her in a few months than I made with other therapists in a year or more. You just have to consistently work on depression.  Keep working at it. Don't quit. Keep seeking joy. Best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to take care of your mood and look for good ways of experiencing joy and fun along with building friendships. Friendships are great because they ease some of the burden on partners. Partners no longer have to be everything to us.

I notice that you are incredibly fair in your description of your ex and his actions. That says a lot about your fairness and goodness as a person. But don't forget about all the good things you brought to the relationship and all the good things your ex was attracted to. Those qualities are still there. Depression can hide them a bit. But make sure you celebrate your strengths and your gifts. And credit yourself for the good things you do with your children, even if you're living at home with your parents when you'd prefer to be on your own. Credit yourself. All the qualities your ex was attracted to are still there. Claim them--that's part of breaking the depression habit. 

You'll get there. 

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ajc95 said:

I know...but speak of the devil.......he just randomly texted me "good night thanks for being supermom"....

 Sending good night texts is a very affectionate thing to do.  Could it be that he's having positive thoughts?   I just hope he's not stringing you along

[ajc95]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So sorry to hear of the horrible childhood abuse you suffered and the pain of depression.

I got depressed in my final two years of college. In a way that was good timing for me, because I was surrounded by a lot of warm and loving friends in college. Had I been living at home, I probably would have absorbed some stigma around depression. So you may have absorbed some stigma and shame about depression treatment given the horrible things you mother said to you (so sorry for this). And I'll be honest: I think the first time that college depression returned for me, like 5 years later, I was in denial. Feeling some shame and fear and really wanting not to imagine I was going back to that horrible place I was in college.

So I'm thinking I was too harsh on you in my post. Given your background, your hesitation to resume therapy makes total sense. When parents attack us, going for help can seem to confirm the nastiness charges of the parent. Not quite logical, but people go there easily. And postpartum depression is still hard for people to admit to and gets widely missed by doctors and spouses. 

And it makes sense now why you would bond so powerfully with this guy who was so supportive and warm, so charmed by you and generous with you. Totally makes sense. Opposite of mom. 

BTW: one of the best therapists I had asked me to come 2x a week, and I made more progress with her in a few months than I made with other therapists in a year or more. You just have to consistently work on depression.  Keep working at it. Don't quit. Keep seeking joy. Best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to take care of your mood and look for good ways of experiencing joy and fun along with building friendships. Friendships are great because they ease some of the burden on partners. Partners no longer have to be everything to us.

I notice that you are incredibly fair in your description of your ex and his actions. That says a lot about your fairness and goodness as a person. But don't forget about all the good things you brought to the relationship and all the good things your ex was attracted to. Those qualities are still there. Depression can hide them a bit. But make sure you celebrate your strengths and your gifts. And credit yourself for the good things you do with your children, even if you're living at home with your parents when you'd prefer to be on your own. Credit yourself. All the qualities your ex was attracted to are still there. Claim them--that's part of breaking the depression habit. 

You'll get there. 

 

Thank you so much. I really appreciate everything you've shared and you being so open about your own experiences with depression. You can't see it but it ruins lives...I'm finally facing it again and I'm not ashamed!

I definitely bonded with my ex due to how loving he was. He made me feel like I was worthy.

I'm gonna do my best to become a better me for me and my kids

[ajc95]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

 Sending good night texts is a very affectionate thing to do.  Could it be that he's having positive thoughts?   I just hope he's not stringing you along

The thing is....when he broke up with me, he told me very bluntly that he's done. That he's not getting back together with me. It's over for good. That he wasn't in love with me anymore....and after that day, I did not receive another text from him that gave me a glimpse of hope of anything romantic or affectionate. Tonight happened to be the first time he sent me a good night text since we broke up...It was out of nowhere. I'm trying not to overthink it but he's definitely not the type to breadcrumb and string someone along.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, ajc95 said:

I know...but speak of the devil.......he just randomly texted me "good night thanks for being supermom"....

Ok. It sounds like you are both doing a good job co-parenting. Make sure you have the best medical care for yourself and your children. That includes seeing a physician for the mood disorder. Does bipolar disorder run in your family?

Ad hoc custody visitation and child support is a bad idea. Your children deserve what is legally their right to full support. They also deserve a stable custody and visitation arrangement.

As their parent, it's your responsibility to petition for child support including healthcare and appropriate funds for food clothing shelter and education. It's their right. 

[Els]

8 hours ago, ajc95 said:

Does anyone have any experience or advice on if limited contact will work as well as no contact when it comes to creating a sense of loss for him?

I... really don't think that is the purpose of no contact (or limited contact) at ALL. The point of NC/LC is for YOU to heal.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, ajc95 said:

I know...but speak of the devil.......he just randomly texted me "good night thanks for being supermom"....

I'm sure that made you feel good.

[introverted1]

From what you've written, you had one good year followed by three years where you were emotionally abusive toward him.  Regardless whether this was the result of postpartum depression, that is a long time for him to be surviving on the hope that his loving fiancee would reappear. 

19 hours ago, ajc95 said:

I would scream and yell at him and nothing he ever did was good enough yet he would still try so hard to make me happy.

He did the right thing.  It's not good for anyone - him, the children, even you -- to be in a household where one parent is yelling and screaming at the other. 

Work on creating a parenting and custody plan that allows you both to remain in the children's lives in a healthy, positive, way.  Continue your own therapy. Be the best parent you can be. 

Good luck.

[ajc95]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. It sounds like you are both doing a good job co-parenting. Make sure you have the best medical care for yourself and your children. That includes seeing a physician for the mood disorder. Does bipolar disorder run in your family?

Ad hoc custody visitation and child support is a bad idea. Your children deserve what is legally their right to full support. They also deserve a stable custody and visitation arrangement.

As their parent, it's your responsibility to petition for child support including healthcare and appropriate funds for food clothing shelter and education. It's their right. 

He is currently willingly giving me money for the kids. I know that if I go through a lawyer, it's definitely going to piss him off....I will definitely do that if it ever comes down to it but for right now, it works...

[ajc95]

47 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sure that made you feel good.

It made me feel good but also confused me because it's hard not to overthink such a random text.

[ajc95]

2 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

From what you've written, you had one good year followed by three years where you were emotionally abusive toward him.  Regardless whether this was the result of postpartum depression, that is a long time for him to be surviving on the hope that his loving fiancee would reappear. 

He did the right thing.  It's not good for anyone - him, the children, even you -- to be in a household where one parent is yelling and screaming at the other. 

Work on creating a parenting and custody plan that allows you both to remain in the children's lives in a healthy, positive, way.  Continue your own therapy. Be the best parent you can be. 

Good luck.

I agree. All couples fight and we would try to keep that away from the kids but yes I will continue therapy.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

He is currently willingly giving me money for the kids. I know that if I go through a lawyer, it's definitely going to piss him off.

The reason is he seems to handle money terribly. For example on fancy wedding deposits, rings and apts. that aren't affordable, etc.  He will squander the money on his new GF just like that. "Piss him off?" Your children, not his temper, need to come first. Your parents should not be supporting them . They have a father.

[ajc95]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The reason is he seems to handle money terribly. For example on fancy wedding deposits, rings and apts. that aren't affordable, etc.  He will squander the money on his new GF just like that. "Piss him off?" Your children, not his temper, need to come first. Your parents should not be supporting them . They have a father.

He feels that my parents aren't "supporting" them by providing them a place to live and that finding them a place to live is my job...

[Weezy1973]

55 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

I agree. All couples fight and we would try to keep that away from the kids but yes I will continue therapy.

No, not all couples fight. All couples disagree at times, and many come to reasonable compromises without voices being raised. Thinking your relationship was even on the relative spectrum of healthy is wrong. That’s why he left. Not saying there’s no chance he come back. But your main priority  is to become healthy for your kids. If, after time (like years) you remain consistent, not volatile, keep up with therapy and medications, and keep putting your kids first, he may want to reconcile. Or he may not. But stability for you and your kids is a good goal.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

He feels that my parents aren't "supporting" them by providing them a place to live and that finding them a place to live is my job...

What he "feels" is irrelevant. File a petition for child support with the court. You don't need lawyers.

[FMW]

I agree with those that say you should focus on yourself and your children, stay in therapy and work toward getting emotionally stronger and stable.  Start planning for your future, including finding out what steps need to be taken to secure your children's financial support.  That includes a legally binding agreement.  A mature father should be willing to provide the security and stability of such an agreement.  You both owe your children that.    

I think it would be a mistake, and one that could hurt your emotional recovery, to hold out hope he will change his mind and want to resume your romantic relationship.  After enough turmoil and unhappiness, sometimes certain feelings just die and they don't come back.  I've experienced that myself.  

His text expressing his appreciation for being a great mom was simply that.  Don't read anything more into it.  Even though he didn't want to stop loving you as a romantic partner,  he couldn't avoid the end result of the negative and critical environment.  He probably feels a little guilty for not being able to maintain the same feelings and so will make gestures to express what feelings he does still have for you.   

[Lotsgoingon]

You guys might indeed reconcile. I am simply saying the best step to increase the chances of that happening is for you to grow and get healthy physically and mentally, 

He will notice that. And your interactions will change with him and others. Getting healthy for you is extremely attractive to everyone. Nothing like seeing an ex who is happier and more confident without any push from the ex. 

Keep going with therapy and then see if you can schedule some regular fun and self-care for YOU!

And you don't have to do.this overnight. This will take some time and that's ok. Your ex needs the breather and so.do.you.

 

 

Edited August 15, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[ajc95]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You guys might indeed reconcile. I am simply saying the best step to increase the chances of that happening is for you to grow and get healthy physically and mentally, 

He will notice that. And your interactions will change with him and others. Getting healthy for you is extremely attractive to everyone. Nothing like seeing an ex who is happier and more confident without any push from the ex. 

Keep going with therapy and then see if you can schedule some regular fun and self-care for YOU!

And you don't have to do.this overnight. This will take some time and that's ok. Your ex needs the breather and so.do.you.

 

 

I'm working on getting my real estate license right now on top of therapy. All I can do now is be there for my kids and treat myself better. This was probably one of the hardest times of my life. I was an idiot during my begging stage in the beginning and told my ex everything I'm gonna do is gonna be for him...lol how pathetic. I told him I was gonna get therapy and become a better person "for him". I wish I never said such stupid things. His text last night did mess with my head a little and today he's back to being cold. He's very hot and cold. So even if I try to avoid thinking about it, he's still in my life and I can't avoid him..

[ajc95]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

I agree with those that say you should focus on yourself and your children, stay in therapy and work toward getting emotionally stronger and stable.  Start planning for your future, including finding out what steps need to be taken to secure your children's financial support.  That includes a legally binding agreement.  A mature father should be willing to provide the security and stability of such an agreement.  You both owe your children that.    

I think it would be a mistake, and one that could hurt your emotional recovery, to hold out hope he will change his mind and want to resume your romantic relationship.  After enough turmoil and unhappiness, sometimes certain feelings just die and they don't come back.  I've experienced that myself.  

His text expressing his appreciation for being a great mom was simply that.  Don't read anything more into it.  Even though he didn't want to stop loving you as a romantic partner,  he couldn't avoid the end result of the negative and critical environment.  He probably feels a little guilty for not being able to maintain the same feelings and so will make gestures to express what feelings he does still have for you.   

Yeah, I'm sure it's over for good and there's no way he'd ever come back.