Els Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, ajc95 said: He feels that my parents aren't "supporting" them by providing them a place to live and that finding them a place to live is my job... This doesn't even make sense - the two biggest expenditures for young children are childcare (in that either you pay for daycare, or you pay the opportunity cost of not being able to have a good career), and having a safe place for them to live. If he's not contributing to either of the above, are you sure he's even paying you as much as child support would require? Strongly suggest you get legal advice on this matter. Edited August 15, 2022 by Elswyth 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 23 minutes ago, Elswyth said: If he's not contributing to either of the above, are you sure he's even paying you as much as child support would require? Strongly suggest you get legal advice on this matter. I agree. A real man would not expect the father the girl he got pregnant to put a roof over his children's head. He's perfectly happy with it and just giving you a little money here and there to keep you quiet. Does he take the kids alone and spend time with them giving your parents a break? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ajc95 Posted August 15, 2022 Author Share Posted August 15, 2022 27 minutes ago, Elswyth said: This doesn't even make sense - the two biggest expenditures for young children are childcare (in that either you pay for daycare, or you pay the opportunity cost of not being able to have a good career), and having a safe place for them to live. If he's not contributing to either of the above, are you sure he's even paying you as much as child support would require? Strongly suggest you get legal advice on this matter. He's not paying me enough. He gives me $100-250 a week for the twins or more if I specifically ask...He should be paying $3000 a month for twins if it was through a lawyer. Right now, we are splitting daycare 50/50....but I have the twins 90% of the twins. He only sees them every other weekend. I have them the rest of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ajc95 Posted August 15, 2022 Author Share Posted August 15, 2022 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: I agree. A real man would not expect the father the girl he got pregnant to put a roof over his children's head. He's perfectly happy with it and just giving you a little money here and there to keep you quiet. Does he take the kids alone and spend time with them giving your parents a break? He sees them for 2 hours on Tuesdays after work and Fridays after work and every other weekend. I have them the rest of the time with my parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 6 minutes ago, ajc95 said: He's not paying me enough. He gives me $100-250 a week for the twins or more if I specifically ask...He should be paying $3000 a month for twins if it was through a lawyer. Right now, we are splitting daycare 50/50....but I have the twins 90% of the twins. He only sees them every other weekend. I have them the rest of the time. Then, it seems like you know what you need to do. Especially when you start working again, you will definitely need more than that for daycare. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 4 hours ago, ajc95 said: He sees them for 2 hours on Tuesdays after work and Fridays after work and every other weekend. I have them the rest of the time with my parents. So basically he gets to still live life as a single man and only see his kids 4 hours a week and every other weekend. You're making his life too easy and making your parents pick up the slack. You should file soon (like yesterday) for the kids support before he gets involved with someone else. Let him know you mean business. You cannot nice your way back into his heart. Right now he appreciates you taking care of the kids and not marching him down to CS court. To him it's starting to look like he's got it made. I read earlier you're working on getting your real estate license. Do you think this is a good time to get into real estate? Make sure you do your homework. It seems RE will require a lot of your time during the week and on weekends which may make it hard to take care of your kids. I hope not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 (edited) On 8/14/2022 at 11:50 PM, ajc95 said: I'm honestly wondering if this is an indirect case of GIGS...? I don't think so, no. It sounds like this relationship had been in the ditch for a long time. The married coworker was only a catalyst for a break-up that was more than likely inevitable as you and he disintegrated as a couple. He behaved inapporpriately with her, no doubt. But she isn't the real reason this fell apart. It was already crumbling. I'm sorry. I get the impression he'd been considering this for a while and finally reached a point where he knew he had to let you go. You can move forward as coparents but it seems like he's being very honest that he doesn't see you as his life partner any longer. You are right that there was a lot on the line with children and an upcoming wedding, which is why I don't think it was an impulsive decision on his part to break up. He likely had been carefully thinking about that and didn't take the decision lightly. For this reason, I would encourage you not to hold your breath that he will change his mind. He'd already been processing the end before he actually pulled the plug. It's time to visit a good lawyer who can help you arrange custody and child support. What he's paying now is completely insufficient and not at all fair to you or your children. I'm sorry. I know it's very hard but it doesn't appear as though you are suited to each other any longer. You and he will more than likely find greater happiness apart, with other people. Edited August 16, 2022 by ExpatInItaly 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
R22X Posted August 23, 2022 Share Posted August 23, 2022 (edited) Hello, The first feeling I get from this is sympathy for you. You sound like a mother doing her best for the children, struggled with Mental Health and lost your way during periods of your relationship. My opinion and clear view is that your ex-partner has stepped into a fresh/non stress freedom of life which he will enjoy for months/years. In the end, he will either meet another women and settle, or he will come back to you as he knows he can once you turn your life around. Stay strong, find yourself, consider how its affected the little ones and maybe look to date yourself? Edited August 23, 2022 by Rachel22 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ajc95 Posted August 29, 2022 Author Share Posted August 29, 2022 Update: My ex and I got into a stupid argument tonight over something regarding the kids and he started pointing fingers again and bringing up the past. I know I've had my faults in the relationship and I've continuously apologized and owned up to them since we ended but he just won't stop blaming me and refuses to own up to anything himself. I told him how tired I've been and how he has probably been loving his single bachelor life and coming home to a "peace and quiet" apartment while I'm stressing out taking care of the kids at my parents' house and he responded with "No. I want my kids. I want to come home to a happy family. Not emptiness and silence. You clearly don't know me. Even after 4 years together. You still don't know me after 4 years. Sad. I just wish you didn't turn into what you did. Hopefully you get better." I'm not sure what to think of him saying this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 Sounds to me like he's resentful that things between you soured and as a result he's now in a situation where he's without a loving family and the kids. It doesn't mean he wants you back - rather, it means he wishes it had worked out differently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ajc95 Posted August 29, 2022 Author Share Posted August 29, 2022 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: Sounds to me like he's resentful that things between you soured and as a result he's now in a situation where he's without a loving family and the kids. It doesn't mean he wants you back - rather, it means he wishes it had worked out differently. Yeah, I wish that too but it is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 Yes. Probably best to not make assumptions about how he's feeling, and then he'll have nothing to come back at you with 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 To add onto what's already been said, you may surprise yourself also, OP, and realize past the healing stages that you may have outgrown this relationship. Don't put it past yourself making that realization. Do the healing and the work with your therapist and speak with your lawyers on custody and support for the kids. You're in pain right now and feeling all that loss and it's made more difficult with coparenting. See where you come out on the other side after one or two years and ask yourself whether you still feel the same way about him. The answer may surprise you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 5 hours ago, ajc95 said: I'm not sure what to think of him saying this. I think it's time to stop arguing with him and file a petition on behalf of the children for appropriate child support and an appropriate custody and visitation schedule. There's no point arguing or negotiating. Do what is in the best interest of yourself and your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 29, 2022 Share Posted August 29, 2022 11 hours ago, ajc95 said: "No. I want my kids. I want to come home to a happy family. Not emptiness and silence. You clearly don't know me. Even after 4 years together. You still don't know me after 4 years. Sad. I just wish you didn't turn into what you did. Hopefully you get better." I'm not sure what to think of him saying this. Is he saying he "wants his kids" or he wants you and the kids back? If he wants his kids can't he take them on weekends to give you and your parents a break; rather than just visiting them? Also how is the relationship with your mother now that you've moved back in with the kids? Is that too affecting your mental health? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ajc95 Posted September 8, 2022 Author Share Posted September 8, 2022 Hello! I am the dumpee but am curious as to what it means when the dumper suppresses and avoids all emotions and feelings for the dumpee/relationship after the breakup? I am not talking about the "relief" stage as I am 99% sure my dumper is past that stage. We are now days away from 3 months post-breakup. I recently found out that my dumper is doing "fine" but has been completely suppressing all emotions and feelings and is completely emotionally checked out. He is casually dating people and having flings but refusing to get "close" to anyone. Apparently, he has put all thoughts and feelings towards me and our breakup into an invisible box and stored it away and is completely closed off to it...Does this mean he has not processed the breakup at all? What post-breakup stage is he in and what stage comes next? It has already been 3 months which makes it hard to believe he has not processed the breakup at all...He's dating around and talking to women but isn't in a serious rebound so I'm very confused and curious. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, ajc95 said: He's dating around and talking to women but isn't in a serious rebound so I'm very confused and curious. This is normal, though. I am not sure why this is confusing. Why should he be in a serious rebound? He's having fun being a single guy. Doesn't want to commit to someone right now. He's just out there playing the field. A lot of recently-single people do exactly what he's doing. 1 hour ago, ajc95 said: Apparently, he has put all thoughts and feelings towards me and our breakup into an invisible box and stored it away and is completely closed off to it...Does this mean he has not processed the breakup at all? Well, no. It could also mean he just wants to put it all behind him and move on. Who's feeding you this information? Edited September 8, 2022 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 Initially, I would like to ask, how come you do not seem too concerned about how you are doing/feeling at this time? Are you hoping his behavior and reactions show he misses you, but can't cope? Link to post Share on other sites
Despin Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 You sound like you're codependent- meaning that you are more concerned with his feelings than your own- maybe research that a bit, it can be a contributing factor to relationship problems. As far as why he feels the way he does.. oftentimes the dumper is done long before the shoe drops, they're usually ahead of the dumpee by several months. He's probably been there, done that. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 What he's doing is normal and healthy. He wants to play the field, date as many women as possible before he settles down in a relationship again. It really has nothing to do with you. If he were suffering for you he wouldn't have broken up. Stop listening to other people because they will keep you hopeful when in fact he's moved on with his life and so should you. Normally the dumper has already processed their feelings before they break up with you and that is why it's so easy for them to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 1 hour ago, ajc95 said: We are now days away from 3 months post-breakup. I recently found out that my dumper is doing "fine" but has been completely suppressing all emotions and feelings and is completely emotionally checked out. He is casually dating people and having flings but refusing to get "close" to anyone. Apparently, he has put all thoughts and feelings towards me and our breakup into an invisible box and stored it away and is completely closed off to it.. Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? How do you know so much about his post breakup thoughts and activities? Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps and dating apps. Ask friends not to fill you in if that's the source. It's possible he was never in with both feet and contemplated the breakup for a while. Unfortunately the person who breaks up as a head start so to speak because they have been considering it. The person who gets broken up with is more taken by surprise later. Did you sense things wee amiss or that he was checking out? Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 1 hour ago, ajc95 said: Does this mean he has not processed the breakup at all? No, that’s not what it means, imo. It means he’d been debating within himself how and when to tell you, and he was done processing a long time ago. How are you coping? He seems to be doing fine, just enjoying his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 (edited) I did this when I left my first husband. I'd already done the processing before I pulled the plug, so once the decision was finally made, my head was clear and I knew it was the right thing. There was no sadness or crying over it at any stage. Clearly, he knows he's done the right thing too and is just getting on with life. Edited September 8, 2022 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 8, 2022 Share Posted September 8, 2022 5 hours ago, ajc95 said: Does this mean he has not processed the breakup at all? I was about to say the same thing, there is a big difference between making the decision and having the decision made for you. He’s had time to think about this for a while, I would assume, which means that he’s already processed his feelings and found peace with the decision. He’s moving on because he’s that much further along the path than you are… take care. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted September 9, 2022 Share Posted September 9, 2022 It sounds like he has moved on, and you need to do the same. I am not sure why you are so concerned with how he is processing the breakup or whether he is dating around. That is all none of your concern. It's not healthy for you to be dwelling on this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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