Fiancé left me and called off wedding [UPDATED]

[Lotsgoingon]

You need to NOT be curious and confused. What he does or doesn't--whether he takes up piloting airplanes or sits in his room and cries--that's all none of your concern.

When you ask about the ex, what it means is that YOU have not moved on. This kind of dabbling only keeps you attached. You want to not care about that care and what they.

Now to address your unstated fantasy: that breaking up was so devastating that maybe your ex really does miss you and might ... change ... their mind ... Almost all dumpees have this fantasy, so yours is easy to notice. 

No, means no such thing. And btw: if he were emotionally close to someone, that means nothing as well. 

[NuevoYorko]

I have to agree - whatever he is doing, feeling, processing, etc. is absolutely none of your business.  He's living his life without you.  Try living yours without him - which will entail kicking these thoughts about how he's living his life out of your head.

[stillafool]

I hope you've had a chance to go down and file for child support and joint custody for the twins.  As you can see he's living the life of Riley while your parents are taking care of his kids.  He has too much time on his hands.  He needs to be spending his free time with his kids instead of dating and having sex.

[ajc95]

Hey everyone. I've posted a couple other posts on here before but wanted to do a new post for this. Long story short, my ex-fiancé ended our relationship/engagement 3 months ago. We were together for 4 years and have 2 kids together that we currently coparent. For 99% of the last 3 months we've been broken up, he was the typical cold, angry, distant ex towards me. We see each other often due to us coparenting our kids but our conversations are always only about the kids and very short and to the point since he told me when he ended things that there's no way he'd ever want to be with me again so we only talk about the kids.

 

I'm actually quite confused at the moment. He suddenly started being extremely nice and friendly towards me last week. Prior to last week, talking to him was always either a negative experience (him blaming me for things, getting mad at me, or short with me) or just very plain and straight to the point...But he suddenly started being more friendly and warm last week over text even though it was about the kids. Lots of "hahaha", ":)", longer texts, and even asking how I've been. He dropped off some stuff for the kids during the week and along with the kids' stuff, he had bought me my favorite dessert...I thanked him for it and a couple days later, he bought me another one. Then today, he dropped off the kids after spending the day with them and gave me a bag of their things...inside the bag also included a bag of my favorite candy.  When I asked him about it, he said it was "for me and the kids".....This candy is a very specific type of candy that is only sold in a specific store and my kids never cared for that kind of candy but he knows it's my favorite...I'm trying not to overthink but I have no idea why he is suddenly being so nice to me after 3 months of being cold and angry. I'm sure it could be guilt but him going out of his way to buy me my favorite dessert and candy seems a bit strange.

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe he's been dating someone else who dumped him and now he's circling back to you. 

Why did you break up? 

 

[ajc95]

our relationship involved too much fighting towards the end.

[ExpatInItaly]

50 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

our relationship involved too much fighting towards the end.

Then this is what I would focus on. His gestures don't mean that you two work as a couple, in the end. 

EDIT: I had a look at your past threads. It seems there were an awful lot of problems in the relationship, and not just toward the end. This was quite dysfunctional for a while. You also discovered he was getting inappropriately close to another woman. So I stand by my previous guess: they didn't work out and now he's sniffing around you again.

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[ajc95]

 

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then this is what I would focus on. His gestures don't mean that you two work as a couple, in the end. 

EDIT: I had a look at your past threads. It seems there were an awful lot of problems in the relationship, and not just toward the end. This was quite dysfunctional for a while. You also discovered he was getting inappropriately close to another woman. So I stand by my previous guess: they didn't work out and now he's sniffing around you again.

 

 

does this usually mean i would be the "back up" to him? like he actually wanted her but since she didn't work out, he's back to "settle" for me?

Edited September 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ajc95 said:

. He suddenly started being extremely nice and friendly towards me last week. 

Sorry this is happening. He may have been "cold" to finalize the end of the relationship.

But now that it's completely over and just co-parenting, he can relax and be a bit more friendly without getting your hopes up of reconciliation.

It's a good thing for your children for you two to be getting along better. But it doesn't mean he wants to get back together.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, ajc95 said:

like he actually wanted her but since she didn't work out, he's back to "settle" for me?

Yes, that is what I think is happening. 

 

[stillafool]

Since you aren't filing for child support he's probably grateful and that is why he's giving you little candy gifts to keep you sweet.  Why haven't you filed for child support yet?  Until he actually comes out and asks you for a date or to get back together I wouldn't read much into his candy treats or the fact that he is more talkative.  It makes for better co-parenting.  He actually has nothiing to be angry about, everything is going his way.

Edited September 21, 2022 by stillafool

[poppyfields]

Probably not what you want to hear but my first thought was he's met another women, he's having lots of sex and as such no longer angry about your relationship, the breakup or at you.

Really great sex with a new person can have that effect sometimes.  It relieves pent up anger and tension..

He also may be using you in a way to stir jealousy in his new girlfriend, given you're the "ex" and all. 

Some men thrive on such chaos, you'll have to determine if he's that type of man based on his behavior during your relationship.

As in, did he enjoy creating drama? Did he ever try to make you jealous or stir your emotions? 

I'm speculating of course but it's the sense I got from reading..  Something disingenuous about it.

Lastly, his attitude may be let bygones be bygones and let's have a harmonious relationship for the sake of our kids. 

He told you the candy was for you and the kids, believe him. 

Try to not read more into it than that and be thankful he's being pleasant to you and making an attempt to make peace, if in fact that's what he's doing and not something nefarious.

What I don't believe is that he wants to get back together.  That ship has sailed, I'm sorry. 

 

 

Edited September 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[ajc95]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Probably not what you want to hear but my first thought was he's met another women, he's having lots of sex and as such no longer angry about your relationship, the breakup or at you.

Really great sex with a new person can have that effect sometimes.  It relieves pent up anger and tension..

He also may be using you in a way to stir jealousy in his new girlfriend, given you're the "ex" and all. 

Some men thrive on such chaos, you'll have to determine if he's that type of man based on his behavior during your relationship.

As in, did he enjoy creating drama? Did he ever try to make you jealous or stir your emotions? 

I'm speculating of course but it's the sense I got from reading..  Something disingenuous about it.

Lastly, his attitude may be let bygones be bygones and let's have a harmonious relationship for the sake of our kids. 

He told you the candy was for you and the kids, believe him. 

Try to not read more into it than that and be thankful he's being pleasant to you and making an attempt to make peace, if in fact that's what he's doing and not something nefarious.

What I don't believe is that he wants to get back together.  That ship has sailed, I'm sorry. 

 

 

I'm happy to say that whoever you described in the first part of your message is not him at all. There's not a part of me that would believe that is the case and the reason being, he was never the type to love drama when I was with him. He mostly keeps to himself actually. His apartment still has all of my things there. My jackets are still hung up by the door and my makeup and such are still laying around on the vanity in the bedroom. I don't believe he's bringing anyone home. He's maybe talking to other women. I had gotten us tickets to something months ago for his birthday that's coming up. I still gave him the tickets for it and told him to just bring someone else. His guy friends can't go nor can his brothers. He can easily bring a girl but he says he's gonna go alone.🤷‍♀️

[ajc95]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Since you aren't filing for child support he's probably grateful and that is why he's giving you little candy gifts to keep you sweet.  Why haven't you filed for child support yet?  Until he actually comes out and asks you for a date or to get back together I wouldn't read much into his candy treats or the fact that he is more talkative.  It makes for better co-parenting.  He actually has nothiing to be angry about, everything is going his way.

Didn't file for child support because we agreed on him paying for all of the kids' daycare and extra stuff which amounts out to being a good chunk.

[ajc95]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, that is what I think is happening. 

 

I wouldn't take him back anyway. Just wanted satisfaction of him regretting his decision but if he doesn't, oh well

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, ajc95 said:

. I don't believe he's bringing anyone home. He's maybe talking to other women. I had gotten us tickets to something months ago for his birthday that's coming up. I still gave him the tickets for it and told him to just bring someone else. His guy friends can't go nor can his brothers. He can easily bring a girl but he says he's gonna go alone.🤷‍♀️

Just last month you were saying he's having sex with other women but not getting serious about anyone yet, and wondered if it's because he still hadn't processed breaking up with you.  We told you that is not how it works and he already processed the break up before he told you.  Maybe he has met someone he's excited about.  For someone who no longer cares to get him back you sure question every move he makes to see if he wants you back.  

As far as him paying towards daycare, etc., your parents are still the ones providing a roof over your kids head and he would end up paying even more if you filed.  I think you don't because you said before you want to get back with him.  Have you found a job yet?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I get the impression he has met someone else and is in the honeymoon stage with her. He is no longer focusing on angry/hurt feelings from the past.

[Rider on the Storm]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe he's been dating someone else who dumped him and now he's circling back to you. 

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Probably not what you want to hear but my first thought was he's met another women, he's having lots of sex and as such no longer angry about your relationship, the breakup or at you.

 

 

 

 

I would say that it's safe to assume with a high degree of accuracy that one of the two explanations above explain his recent behavior. 

My ex and I get along and co-parent well too. Don't confuse this to mean that you and he will be successful in a romantic relationship.

[ajc95]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Just last month you were saying he's having sex with other women but not getting serious about anyone yet, and wondered if it's because he still hadn't processed breaking up with you.  We told you that is not how it works and he already processed the break up before he told you.  Maybe he has met someone he's excited about.  For someone who no longer cares to get him back you sure question every move he makes to see if he wants you back.  

As far as him paying towards daycare, etc., your parents are still the ones providing a roof over your kids head and he would end up paying even more if you filed.  I think you don't because you said before you want to get back with him.  Have you found a job yet?

i never said he was having sex with women. i said he's probably talking to people which i'm sure most single people do. i never said or confirmed he is actually sleeping around. i obviously still having feelings for him and care, doesn't mean i would take him back if he ever did come back. it's two different things. you can most definitely be curious about an ex and still care and not want them back. and yes i am working.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, ajc95 said:

i said he's probably talking to people which i'm sure most single people do.

But didn't you also find inappropriate text messages to his female coworker while you were still together?

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, ajc95 said:

Just wanted satisfaction of him regretting his decision but if he doesn't, oh well

Focus solely on your own happiness, the children and good co-parenting. In fact forget his moods "signs", etc., when you're ready, start dating. Try not to take his emotional temperature, it's a setback for you.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, ajc95 said:

i never said he was having sex with women. i said he's probably talking to people which i'm sure most single people do. i never said or confirmed he is actually sleeping around. i obviously still having feelings for him and care, doesn't mean i would take him back if he ever did come back. it's two different things. you can most definitely be curious about an ex and still care and not want them back. and yes i am working.

Okay sorry about the comment of him getting sex.  You said he is seeing other women so it's very much a possiblity.  He doesn't have to bring them to his place for sex.  Just last month you were looking for ways to get him back, including seeing a psychic as well as working on your mental health.  So I'm glad to hear you've given up on wanting him back and that and you are now working a job.  It's still good to continue to work on your mental health.  It's okay to still care about an ex; but it's best to distance yourself from his personal life so you can heal and get over him since you don't want him back.  It's one thing to be curious and another to be obsessed.

[ajc95]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But didn't you also find inappropriate text messages to his female coworker while you were still together?

 

no no, it was after we broke up. we were just still living together at the time but i moved out soon after.

[ajc95]

57 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Okay sorry about the comment of him getting sex.  You said he is seeing other women so it's very much a possiblity.  He doesn't have to bring them to his place for sex.  Just last month you were looking for ways to get him back, including seeing a psychic as well as working on your mental health.  So I'm glad to hear you've given up on wanting him back and that and you are now working a job.  It's still good to continue to work on your mental health.  It's okay to still care about an ex; but it's best to distance yourself from his personal life so you can heal and get over him since you don't want him back.  It's one thing to be curious and another to be obsessed.

it's okay. it just sucks because i have been going to therapy every week, focusing on me and the kids, but my gosh does coparenting suck. i really wish i could cut him off cold turkey so i can move on properly. of course i still miss him sometimes and fantasize about "what could have been"...but i know in my heart we could never be together again due to all the damage that has been done. it just wouldn't be the same. that ship has sailed. do i wish things were different? absolutely. i almost wish he would continue to be cold towards me because it's very difficult to focus on moving on when he's "warm and friendly" here and there. it makes me overthink and gets emotions involved again. i hate that he's nice because it makes it harder for me to move on.

[ajc95]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Okay sorry about the comment of him getting sex.  You said he is seeing other women so it's very much a possiblity.  He doesn't have to bring them to his place for sex.  Just last month you were looking for ways to get him back, including seeing a psychic as well as working on your mental health.  So I'm glad to hear you've given up on wanting him back and that and you are now working a job.  It's still good to continue to work on your mental health.  It's okay to still care about an ex; but it's best to distance yourself from his personal life so you can heal and get over him since you don't want him back.  It's one thing to be curious and another to be obsessed.

oh also, for what it's worth....i went to a few different trusted psychics. i know not everyone believes in them but i did my research and found really reputable ones and i just wanna say...every single one of them called it. they told me last month when he was being cold and angry towards me that he will warm up to me and have a shift in behavior middle to end of september....needless to say...i did not believe them at all at the time...and it is now happening.