Fiancé left me and called off wedding [UPDATED]

[S2B]

On 8/14/2022 at 2:53 PM, Elswyth said:

No, I don't think so. It definitely sounds like things were bad for a long time between the two of you, and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I agree, you speak to anyone unkindly or in an abusive manner over an extended period of time and any person would just get to thinking “do I really want a lifetime of being treated like this?”

learn from your past behavior. Change your past behavior.

depression after giving birth? Ok, that happens a LOT. But YOU definitely had choices every single day about what you said to him and how you said it.

I hope you realize that the way you participate affects others. And that any healthy person is bound to state clearly “I don’t want to be treated this way anymore”.

start working. Don’t ever depend on ANY man to provide your lifestyle. Provide that for yourself.

I’m sure you will continue getting support money. Get that in a court order.

move forward. Spend time with your kids when you aren’t working. Learn from this that you have no right to speak to someone in any manner that seems abusive.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, ajc95 said:

oh also, for what it's worth....i went to a few different trusted psychics. i know not everyone believes in them but i did my research and found really reputable ones and i just wanna say...every single one of them called it. they told me last month when he was being cold and angry towards me that he will warm up to me and have a shift in behavior middle to end of september....needless to say...i did not believe them at all at the time...and it is now happening.

I will withold my opinion on fortune-tellers. 

But I will say this: Warming up to you is not the same as reconciling. It sounds like that ship sailed a long time ago because the relationship was so toxic. He may feel guilty for how things ended. He may have stopped dating his new crush and wants some action from you. Maybe he's going to stop covering all the expenses he's been handling, and wants to sweeten you up so you don't take him to court.  Whatever the case, the relationship was way off the rails and no longer viable.

 Focus instead on putting your own life back together, so you can two can co-parent but each eventually move on to partners who are better suited to you. You were definitely not right for each other and didn't work as a couple any longer. 

 

[ajc95]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I will withold my opinion on fortune-tellers. 

But I will say this: Warming up to you is not the same as reconciling. It sounds like that ship sailed a long time ago because the relationship was so toxic. He may feel guilty for how things ended. He may have stopped dating his new crush and wants some action from you. Maybe he's going to stop covering all the expenses he's been handling, and wants to sweeten you up so you don't take him to court.  Whatever the case, the relationship was way off the rails and no longer viable.

 Focus instead on putting your own life back together, so you can two can co-parent but each eventually move on to partners who are better suited to you. You were definitely not right for each other and didn't work as a couple any longer. 

 

They actually all told me he's coming back and that he would want to reconcile come October-November time before the holidays but we won't actually be back on track until next February. I just didn't mention it because I don't care to hold onto any false hope but that is what they all told me. Whether it happens or not, I guess does not matter at this point. Just interesting they all picked up on it.

[S2B]

Are you capable of never arguing with him again? 
are you capable of never having the need to raise your voice to him again?

you can state whatever you wish today to him without getting angry at him. Can you do that?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

They actually all told me he's coming back and that he would want to reconcile come October-November time before the holidays but we won't actually be back on track until next February. I just didn't mention it because I don't care to hold onto any false hope but that is what they all told me. Whether it happens or not, I guess does not matter at this point. Just interesting they all picked up on it.

Please don't, no. 

These are people who will tell you what you want to hear. They can't predict the future any more than a guy at the bus stop. It's not interesting they all picked up on it; it's a coincidence based around your apparent vulnerability and willingness to give them money to cobble together a plausible "timeline" that anyone could do for you.  That's all. 

What is interesting is that this is what you're choosing to comment on rather than anything else I said in my post. You're focusing too much on what fortune-tellers said to you, and not enough on the problems that actually caused the downfall of the relationship. That tells me you would take back this man in a heartbeat and haven't really reflected much on your role in all of this. 

Edited September 22, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[S2B]

I’d like to ask - after all the abuse you laid on him - why would he want to come back for more abuse?

he won’t. And you shouldn’t want that for him - if you really love him!

[ajc95]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

I’d like to ask - after all the abuse you laid on him - why would he want to come back for more abuse?

he won’t. And you shouldn’t want that for him - if you really love him!

respectfully, i think it's quite funny you speak as if you were in the relationship and knew everything that happened and saw me abuse this man. the fact that i was vulnerable in my original post and laid out all my faults and regrets from the past should show i am aware that i was not perfect and have been going to therapy consistently to get the help i need. the thing people choose not to realize is that i never told you about the things he did to me that were abusive and toxic as well. i spoke for myself and decided to leave his faults out of the story and now yall are coming for me and making me out to be the monster. i told my faults. i never spoke of his, and trust me, they existed and happened. he was not perfect. and while i'm in therapy and bettering myself, he's not doing anything about his own issues. so please stop speaking as if you know everything. you know what i decided to reveal, which was my faults only.

[ajc95]

15 minutes ago, S2B said:

Are you capable of never arguing with him again? 
are you capable of never having the need to raise your voice to him again?

you can state whatever you wish today to him without getting angry at him. Can you do that?

he put bruises on my body but apparently, i'm the only bad guy here.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

he put bruises on my body but apparently, i'm the only bad guy here.

How are we to know that, OP? 

We can omly respond to what you post, and you neglected to mention this until now (unless I missed it in the thread) You can't exactly get upset over information you didn't share. 

Edited September 22, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[ajc95]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How are we to know that, OP? 

We can omly respond to what you post, and you neglected to mention this until now (unless I missed it in the thread) You can't exactly get upset over information you didn't share. 

No no, I'm saying I even stated in my original post that I was exposing all of my faults...that I'd leave out his...but that doesn't mean that I was the only thing wrong with the relationship. He wasn't perfect..

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

No no, I'm saying I even stated in my original post that I was exposing all of my faults...that I'd leave out his...but that doesn't mean that I was the only thing wrong with the relationship. He wasn't perfect..

I don't think anyone is suggesting he is. 

But we can only respond to what you post. So, posters are going to focus on your role. If you want a more balanced response, you need to provide a more balanaced picture. of where you both went wrong. 

[S2B]

Ok, now that you explain some of his side I get that he’s not perfect either.

but the thing is YOU are ONLY responsible for how YOU participate.

he is responsible for how he participates.

yet you two still, now, seem to argue with each other. It’s toxic! You should NOT get back with him!

just let it be over! 

get a court order that maps out visitation and support money. Stick to the schedule. Do not communicate about anything else except about the kids best interest. 

once any relationship is toxic/abusive  - it’s nearly impossible to trust enough for it to be good after that.

learn in therapy about how to never go back again… by moving forward.

[ajc95]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

Ok, now that you explain some of his side I get that he’s not perfect either.

but the thing is YOU are ONLY responsible for how YOU participate.

he is responsible for how he participates.

yet you two still, now, seem to argue with each other. It’s toxic! You should NOT get back with him!

just let it be over! 

get a court order that maps out visitation and support money. Stick to the schedule. Do not communicate about anything else except about the kids best interest. 

once any relationship is toxic/abusive  - it’s nearly impossible to trust enough for it to be good after that.

learn in therapy about how to never go back again… by moving forward.

you're right. it's just hard seeing him all the time. i wish i didn't have to and can just cut him off cold turkey. my mental health would be a lot better if that were the case

[ajc95]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think anyone is suggesting he is. 

But we can only respond to what you post. So, posters are going to focus on your role. If you want a more balanced response, you need to provide a more balanaced picture. of where you both went wrong. 

yeah, i guess i just wanted to really own up to everything because i truly feel bad for how i acted

[S2B]

We aren’t mind readers - you re-read your opening post and tell us how we could have made any conclusions about how he participated? Except that HE provided you everything you wished for - and you treated him badly.

we couldn’t have concluded anything else based on what you typed.

so don’t go back. And learn to state what you need to say in ANY situation - without EVER the need to raise your voice.

Edited September 22, 2022 by S2B

[basil67]

@ajc95 the fact that you're obviously sad that he's gone and talking about not wanting false hope in him returning is one reason why I didn't consider that he might have been abusive towards you.  

May I ask why you'd consider having him return to be a good thing?

Edited September 22, 2022 by basil67

[S2B]

2 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

yeah, i guess i just wanted to really own up to everything because i truly feel bad for how i acted

Of course. And I admire that you are doing the hard work to change and be a better person by the way you participate.

I truly hope that given the chance - you’ll choose never to go back to him.

Edited September 22, 2022 by S2B

[ExpatInItaly]

Given that this is mutually-abusive relationship, it is best that you never get back together anyway. 

Your kids deserve better than that. 

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, ajc95 said:

he put bruises on my body.

What you can and should do is get court ordered child support for the children. As the adult, it's your responsibility to petition for that on their behalf.

You also need to speak to an attorney about abuse and seek out a strict and supervised visitation schedule. Also seek out a way to arrange visitation in a no contact manner,such as him picking up the children from a neutral location. (Relative's home, etc.)

All this is feasible and you may be better off doing things by the books on behalf of your children rather than winging it and manufacturing chaos.

Therapy to help deal with this and the trauma bond would help you as well.

 

 

Edited September 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, ajc95 said:

you're right. it's just hard seeing him all the time. i wish i didn't have to and can just cut him off cold turkey. my mental health would be a lot better if that were the case

The fact that he has put bruises on your body is reason #1 not to want him back, which you have said you don't.  Now your mental health is being affected by seeing him so he can visit his kids.  This is why you need someone else to hand off the kids and collect them from him during his visitation so you don't see him.  This too could be set up in court if you file for child support.  I don't believe that you don't want to see him nor that you no longer want him back.  You wouldn't be talking about what the psychics say about getting back with him nor would you care at this point.  You said somewhere earlier that your mom was bad for your mental health; so how is that working being back under her roof with the kids, are you okay?

[ajc95]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

@ajc95 the fact that you're obviously sad that he's gone and talking about not wanting false hope in him returning is one reason why I didn't consider that he might have been abusive towards you.  

May I ask why you'd consider having him return to be a good thing?

In the past, he manipulated me to believe that the reason why he would put his hands on me and scream at me and swear at me was because "I" would cause him to by being upset about something he had done. It wouldn't matter what the fight would be about but the moment something upset me and I would communicate it, he would get mad at me for "bringing it up and ruining the day". My therapist brought this to light during my sessions. In the past, I always ended up blaming myself. "Maybe if I didn't show that I was upset about this, he wouldn't have screamed at me in a result." "Maybe if I were more easy going and had less boundaries, he would be happier with me". I learned later on that it wasn't always a me problem and that I shouldn't be afraid to communicate my feelings to him. I no longer feel him coming back would be a good thing even tho I do miss him

[ajc95]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

The fact that he has put bruises on your body is reason #1 not to want him back, which you have said you don't.  Now your mental health is being affected by seeing him so he can visit his kids.  This is why you need someone else to hand off the kids and collect them from him during his visitation so you don't see him.  This too could be set up in court if you file for child support.  I don't believe that you don't want to see him nor that you no longer want him back.  You wouldn't be talking about what the psychics say about getting back with him nor would you care at this point.  You said somewhere earlier that your mom was bad for your mental health; so how is that working being back under her roof with the kids, are you okay?

We are okay, thanks for asking. There was an adjustment period where she became very toxic again but now things are more stable. Of course deep down I still miss him because there is so much history there...Not just bad history but good times too...but not worth it. The good doesn't outweigh the bad. So I will miss him from afar and eventually be strong enough to move on completely

[Alvi]

[ ]  Anyway, let's say that is true, the two of you are going to reconcile in February exactly as psychics have predicted. A big question that you have to ask is then what? How this relationship is going to function after the reconciliations? You have both abused each other, the entire relationship is very toxic. Toxic for you, toxic for him and most importantly, toxic to your kids. Reconciliation part often comes easy, continuing your relationship after that is going to be impossible. There is very little hope that this relationship is going to thrive unless both of you change and learn how to not to resort to a verbal and physical abuse and become a better role models for your kids.

Who is to say that he is not going to leave you again in April or May? [ ]  This guy could be in and out of your life for years and years, do you want that? A cycle of abuse is going to continue over and over again (for you and for him).  Seriously, you need to learn how not to depend on this guy or on any guy. Don't waste your life and youth on this guy. Don't put your life on hold for this guy. After reading you posts, it looks like you have lost yourself because of this guy, practically "dissolved" into him. You have tolerated abuse and became abusive yourself. This is in no way healthy. You should find the real "you", the one that you were before dating him before even starting to even think about reconciling with this guy. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet and be able to take care of your kids. Go back to school and/or find a job to support yourself and your kids. Become a better and a stronger woman.  And I don't understand why you are so hesitant to take this guy to court. You need to establish child support payments and  set up visitation rights for your kids.. This is not about you, this is about your kid's future. He could very easily stop paying you anything for the kids and stop picking them up at any time unless it is going to get established by the court (well, he could still become a deadbeat dad after a court order as well, but let's hope not).

Edited September 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
disrespect of OP's belief system

[Weezy1973]

The fact that the relationship is toxic is likely what drew you two together. At this point genuinely putting the kids first should be a priority. Stability. Consistency. Healthy routines. That’s how kids thrive. But I honestly wonder if folks from toxic families ever see that and can prioritize that. The addiction to drama is strong. Spending money on a psychic rather than saving for your kids education (for example) is not a great choice if your kids are your priority.

[Atlantico]

Ok, here is someone that reconciled with my dumper and have been together since (yes this species exist).

Looks to me you both match  each other about abuse, although his physical abuse is a terrible thing that you should validade, since it looks like you are "bleaching" the situaton now.

I see  people here are escalating their advise to the level of being somehow manipulative. If you feel is too early to get the lawyers' gang into the wagon, I think that you should think about it hard and make your own decisions. There is a saying that states that only the ones that live in the Monastery know exactely what is happening there. So follow your instincts, may be you are not getting anything you want, and pretty much looks like that, but go for it, continue terapy, make yourself better, wise up in all aspects and make your own decisions. Think about your kids evidently.

Edited October 7, 2022 by Atlantico