This makes me sad

[basil67]

Have you ever considered telling him that he's hurting you and to only contact you if/when he's single?   If you want to make things happen, sometimes you need to give them a push.  

Thing is, by being the one he can reach out to for comfort and fantasy, you're enabling him to stay where he is.  If you cut the contact, he'll be sand and lonely and forced to make a decision.  And if it's true that he and his girlfriend don't want to be together, he'll choose you.

Edited August 14, 2022 by basil67

[brokengirl85]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@brokengirl85: l would not play friends with him, it's putting yourself in a weak position. I'd tell him If one day he's serious about reconnecting he knows where to find you. Until then life has to go on for you. 

The most important thing is life really has to go on for you. This man is not going to make you or break you. 

Thanks. 
it’s the hope what keeps me going at this point. Waiting and waiting. And he knows it.

Should I wait for him to contact me again and let him know that I’m not going to continue unless he can give me some clarity? Or should I reach out to him instead? 
this last chat was two days ago. It could be weeks until he reaches out again… I don’t usually text him first

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, brokengirl85 said:

It’s a girlfriend who lives with him but apparently she doesn’t love him anymore.

You mean NOT the other way around?  I don't mean to be negative but you really have to get clarity as to what he actually means.  People can use words to convey one thing when actually meaning another.  And this can be purposeful to get what they want or need.  If she isn't in love with him anymore it should be easy for him to break up with her and pursue you.  He didn't say he was no longer in love with her, or did he?  He could be trying to hold onto her and the fact she doesn't want him is an ego blow.  Make sure he isn't trying to sweet talk you into sex, attention just to make himself feel better while still trying to hold onto her.

[brokengirl85]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you ever considered telling him that he's hurting you and to only contact you if/when he's single?   If you want to make things happen, sometimes you need to give them a push.  

Thing is, by being the one he can reach out to for comfort and fantasy, you're enabling him to stay where he is.  If you cut the contact, he'll be sand and lonely and forced to make a decision.  And if it's true that he and his girlfriend don't want to be together, he'll choose you.

I have always replied to his texts. He always replied to mines as well. I haven’t told him to stop texting me, I’ve enjoyed chatting with him. It’s just that I love him and want more, and he seems to be content with sporadic texting.

It’s not the lack of female attention what keeps him reaching out to me. I know for sure. 

[Rider on the Storm]

2 minutes ago, brokengirl85 said:

Thanks. 
it’s the hope what keeps me going at this point. Waiting and waiting. And he knows it.

Should I wait for him to contact me again and let him know that I’m not going to continue unless he can give me some clarity? Or should I reach out to him instead? 
this last chat was two days ago. It could be weeks until he reaches out again… I don’t usually text him first

If he is really into you as you are hoping, why would he wait "weeks" before he would reach out again? That doesn't sound like someone who is pining for another states away.

[brokengirl85]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You mean NOT the other way around?  I don't mean to be negative but you really have to get clarity as to what he actually means.  People can use words to convey one thing when actually meaning another.  And this can be purposeful to get what they want or need.  If she isn't in love with him anymore it should be easy for him to break up with her and pursue you.  He didn't say he was no longer in love with her, or did he?  He could be trying to hold onto her and the fact she doesn't want him is an ego blow.  Make sure he isn't trying to sweet talk you into sex, attention just to make himself feel better while still trying to hold onto her.

It’s been already a couple years he’s been complaining about her. First, was the lack of affection. Now it seems she’s never home, either traveling for work or visiting friends. He doesn’t even know.

It also seems to me, he may still have feelings for her. He has a history of troubled relationships. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, brokengirl85 said:

It’s been already a couple years he’s been complaining about her. First, was the lack of affection. Now it seems she’s never home, either traveling for work or visiting friends. He doesn’t even know.

It also seems to me, he may still have feelings for her. He has a history of troubled relationships. 

All these complaints and he's still there and this woman isn't even his wife?  Does that make sense to you?  She no longer is in love with him but yet he's still holding onto her, but he really wants to be with you?  He could have been done with her and with you 2 years ago.  You need to ask him these questions and tell him all of this.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, brokengirl85 said:

It’s been already a couple years he’s been complaining about her. 

Why is he still there?

Men in relationships looking for mistresses always have these sad story about their wife/gf being mean. Don't beleive everything he says.

[brokengirl85]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

All these complaints and he's still there and this woman isn't even his wife?  Does that make sense to you?  She no longer is in love with him but yet he's still holding onto her, but he really wants to be with you?  He could have been done with her and with you 2 years ago.  You need to ask him these questions and tell him all of this.

I think he still has feelings for her. They’re been together since 2014 I believe. 

[brokengirl85]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Why is he still there?

Men in relationships looking for mistresses always have these sad story about their wife/gf being mean. Don't beleive everything he says.

Ok. What to do then? And what if he has real feelings for me? 

[Rider on the Storm]

20 minutes ago, brokengirl85 said:

I have always replied to his texts. He always replied to mines as well. I haven’t told him to stop texting me, I’ve enjoyed chatting with him. It’s just that I love him and want more, and he seems to be content with sporadic texting.

 

Unmarried men who are in unhappy relationships and who have strong, romantic feelings for another woman wouldn't be content with just sporadically texting the woman that he has these strong feelings for.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, brokengirl85 said:

Ok. What to do then? And what if he has real feelings for me? 

If he has feelings for you then his feelings for her are stronger, and you have no power over that. You cannot convince a man to love you more, you have to let him figure out his problems on his own. 

Your power is in your absence. You will not diminish your value by standing by him until he figures himself out right?  That never works! 

[brokengirl85]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

If he has feelings for you then his feelings for her are stronger, and you have no power over that. You cannot convince a man to love you more, you have to let him figure out his problems on his own. 

Your power is in your absence. You will not diminish your value by standing by him until he figures himself out right?  That never works! 

I know that if I stop texting/replying him, he’ll probably give up. He’ll not pursue me aggressively. It’s not his style.

I’ve been absent from his life from 2014 to 2018. I haven’t seen him since 2014. I don’t see how this situation is going to change if I stop replying. We’re both in our 50’s 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, brokengirl85 said:

I asked if we was single. He said things were not going well with his partner.

Lol, this is code for “I’m not single, but are you interested?”

Tell him to contact you when/if he is single. Until then, he should leave you alone…

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, brokengirl85 said:

I know that if I stop texting/replying him, he’ll probably give up. He’ll not pursue me aggressively. It’s not his style.

He just doesn't want it hard enough. He did pursue another woman while being fwb with you, he even moved state with her. He's not the beta man you think he is. 

I don't think this man has feelings for you. He may miss you as a person and how your fwb arrangement was easy compared to a real relationship, but if he didn't love you back then, he didn't suddenly built feelings.

[brokengirl85]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He just doesn't want it hard enough. He did pursue another woman while being fwb with you, he even moved state with her. He's not the beta man you think he is. 

I don't think this man has feelings for you. He may miss you as a person and how your fwb arrangement was easy compared to a real relationship, but if he didn't love you back then, he didn't suddenly built feelings.

What should I do next? I want to be clear with him, I wouldn’t want to sound rude. 

[brokengirl85]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He just doesn't want it hard enough. He did pursue another woman while being fwb with you, he even moved state with her. He's not the beta man you think he is. 

I don't think this man has feelings for you. He may miss you as a person and how your fwb arrangement was easy compared to a real relationship, but if he didn't love you back then, he didn't suddenly built feelings.

Would it be ok to text him: “you don’t want me hard enough”?

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, brokengirl85 said:

Would it be ok to text him: “you don’t want me hard enough”?

He is in another relationship. It’s not a question of whether he wants you enough. It’s a question of whether or not you respect the boundaries of his relationship. 

Keep your dignity - don’t text him and berate him for not pursuing you… Don’t chase after an unavailable man. 

Edited August 15, 2022 by BaileyB

[Rider on the Storm]

5 minutes ago, brokengirl85 said:

What should I do next? I want to be clear with him, I wouldn’t want to sound rude. 

You could tell him to break up with this woman who supposedly doesn't love him, and once he sends you proof of doing so, you could agree to a date to see where things could lead. That would be clear with him.

Edited August 15, 2022 by Rider on the Storm

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, brokengirl85 said:

What should I do next? I want to be clear with him, I wouldn’t want to sound rude. 

I'm sticking to what l said earlier.

Tell him you cannot play chitchat friends and  when he's serious about reconnecting with you he knows where to find you, you trust he will find the answers to his problems, until then your life has to go on. 

Brokengirl: don't wait for him. If it's meant to be life will take care of it, might be next month, might be next year but your life has to go on and you have date and open your heart to other possibilities.

[brokengirl85]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

I'm sticking to what l said earlier.

Tell him you cannot play chitchat friends and  when he's serious about reconnecting with you he knows where to find you, you trust he will find the answers to his problems, until then your life has to go on. 

Brokengirl: don't wait for him. If it's meant to be life will take care of it, might be next month, might be next year but your life has to go on and you have date and open your heart to other possibilities.

Gaeta, my life has been going on without him. It’s not stuck nor I stop doing things because I’m waiting for him. It’s not like that. 
I have my life here, and he sometimes reach out and we chat randomly. I’d visit him, perhaps, if he suggests so. I’d be very happy if he comes visit me as well. But he hasn’t suggested either. 
I could tell him to stop texting. And he’d probably will. I still enjoy his random texts, his flirting, his silliness… I feel flirty and silly with him as well. 
 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, brokengirl85 said:

I’d visit him, perhaps, if he suggests so. I’d be very happy if he comes visit me as well. But he hasn’t suggested either. 

For good reason - it would be very inappropriate. He is in a relationship with another woman. 

People break up every single day. If he wanted to end his relationship, he would end his relationship. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be in a relationship with you. There is nothing keeping him in a relationship that does not make him happy.

Edited August 15, 2022 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, brokengirl85 said:

Gaeta, my life has been going on without him. It’s not stuck nor I stop doing things because I’m waiting for him. It’s not like that. 
 

I understand that....but you're still in love with him, still hoping for him. I should have said your 'heart' has to go on.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, brokengirl85 said:

I still enjoy his random texts, his flirting, his silliness… I feel flirty and silly with him as well. 
 

How would you feel if the man in your life texted and ex-fwb and be flirty and silly with her? 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Thing is, by being the one he can reach out to for comfort and fantasy, you're enabling him to stay where he is.  If you cut the contact, he'll be sand and lonely and forced to make a decision. 

It’s also probably part of the reason why he is reaching out when he’s bored - it is safe to do so because she lives a distance away and he will not be required to do anything…

She has dreams of bringing this together… he feels safe worth the distance. 

Edited August 15, 2022 by BaileyB