transitioningspeed Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 Been dating someone for a year now. All is good with a few wrinkles being the issue described below. We are 50 miles apart so he really wanted to live together. I do like his area more but am still working part time at least through most of next year. It will require me to travel once a week. In the interim, I still have my own home that I shared with my late husband. We ended up leasing an apartment near him 2 months ago. In the interim, I thought I'd stay at my home a few days a week and go into work (only 6 miles from my home) and then go to the apt late Wednesday/early Thursday until late Sunday (I don't work Thurs or Fridays). My adult daughter has been very resistant to me making this change (even though she lives out of state). She says she barely knows him (they met twice and she wasn't particularly friendly either time), My adult son lives in the area and does like him. My friends and family like him as well. I really care for my bf and have been looking for someone like this for over 10 years and I know he cares for me a great deal. I do feel "guilty" in a sense but mostly, anxious about selling my home too soon. My bf is trying to encourage me to clean out and sell my home in the next few months (6 months at the lastest) so we can spend more time together which I appreciate. But I like to have a Plan B just in case. How do I manage my bf not becoming discouraged and at the same time, deal with my daughter who, despite me giving her assurances I'm comfortable making my own decisions, keeps making negative comments? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 15, 2022 Share Posted August 15, 2022 2 hours ago, transitioningspeed said: We ended up leasing an apartment near him 2 months ago.. My bf is trying to encourage me to clean out and sell my home in the next few months (6 months at the lastest) so we can spend more time together Where does he live? Are you paying for the apt he's living in? He's is in a big hurry to spend and micromanage your money to his advantage. He's hustling you. That is what the rush is and why you feel so anxious. You may not get along with your daughter, that's ok, but slow down and ask yourself why he's not talking about the type of fun semi-retired people have but rather how you can uproot your life, make all the sacrifices, pay for his apt and use your equity for his advantage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 (edited) Your daughter's opinion about your life choices is irrelevant. She is entitled to her opinion, but you have to live your life and shouldn't tiptoe around her or let her make you feel guilty. Do what you want. However, you've been dating this man for a year. That is not very long to be making major life-changing decisions like selling your house and moving in with him. I really do think you should wait a little longer before rushing into these things. Edited August 16, 2022 by ShyViolet 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 16, 2022 Share Posted August 16, 2022 What negative things is your daughter saying? If she's wary about him trying to get you to sell assets, she's quite right. I don't like that he's pushing you to sell your home. If you need the money to pay for rent, keep the house and rent it to someone else. Or if you can afford to live with him and don't need to rent the house out, there's no reason to sell it at all. Not only is it good to have a plan B in case things don't work out, it's perfectly reasonable that you may want to stay at your place to be near work on the days you work. If you do end up selling your home, make sure that you see a lawyer to ensure that your assets are protected in the case of separation, divorce or your death. Different countries/jurisdictions have different rules for defacto partners, so make sure you have clear understanding of the rules where ever you live Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 (edited) I have been in a similar situation, and I will say that I think a year is too soon to consider selling your home to move in with this man. Personally, I kept my own home for three years and we went back and forth. When he asked me to move in, I said no because I did not want to sell my home and give up everything that I had worked so hard to achieve. Financially, I was the person taking the risk - at the time, I would not have any claim to his home and if it didn’t work out, I would have given up a home that I loved only to find myself trying to buy back into the market. He was committed - we came to a compromise that saw us build our own home together… But, I will say, there are days that I miss my old home and the independence that I had. I love my partner and I love our home but it is not easy to bring two lives together at this time of life - particularly if there are children and extended families involved. If I was you, I would be in no rush to bring this together… and I would be leery of any man who pressures you to do something that you don’t want to do. That said, I think men by their nature like to have a companion in life - they don’t seem to do as well on their own… Edited August 17, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 17, 2022 Share Posted August 17, 2022 (edited) On 8/15/2022 at 8:05 PM, basil67 said: If you do end up selling your home, make sure that you see a lawyer to ensure that your assets are protected in the case of separation, divorce or your death. Definitely agree! Particularly because you have children and you will want them to inherit part of not most of your estate. Also, don’t underestimate the emotional impact of selling your home - particularly the family home after the death of your husband. We had to let go of the family home after my mom passed (when my dad sold it) and it was terribly sad for all of us. My dad did it to please his relationship partner and he says to this day, one of the worst mistakes of his life. And, the day I left my home to move in with my partner - I cried all day… Poor guy, he was so excited and I cried all day… Edited August 17, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author transitioningspeed Posted August 22, 2022 Author Share Posted August 22, 2022 Thanks for all of the input. What do I do with trying to "alternate" weekends. My daughter has raised the issue that I'm traveling a distance every week and not enjoying my home to satisfy my bf and stay in the apt. Don't get me wrong the apt and the area (and especially my boyfriend) are all great but is it too much to ask him to travel to me and stay at my home 1/2 of the weekends? There isn't much to do around me sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 22, 2022 Share Posted August 22, 2022 2 hours ago, transitioningspeed said: Don't get me wrong the apt and the area (and especially my boyfriend) are all great but is it too much to ask him to travel to me and stay at my home 1/2 of the weekends? Why haven't you already asked him to travel to see you and spend time at your home? If you have plans to move in with this guy you should be able to talk to him about what you want and your concerns. He's wrong to ask you to sell you family home. It's none of his business what you do with your home. I'd be careful with this man. I see your daughter's point. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 22, 2022 Share Posted August 22, 2022 2 hours ago, transitioningspeed said: but is it too much to ask him to travel to me and stay at my home 1/2 of the weekends? That would be fine. He seems quite selfish, so be careful about spending money on this apt. Where is his home? Does he only live in the apt part time as well or are you paying rent on a place he lives in full time? Do not sell your home until you speak to the appropriate legal and financial professionals. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 23, 2022 Share Posted August 23, 2022 10 hours ago, transitioningspeed said: Is it too much to ask him to travel to me and stay at my home 1/2 of the weekends? There isn't much to do around me sometimes. No, it’s not too much to ask him to come to you. When we were dating, I often spent the weekends at his house because he slept poorly at mine. But, he would make the effort to come to my house during the week. It’s give and take. It doesn’t matter what there is to do - make a nice dinner together, get into a television series you both enjoy, give him a list of home projects to do around your home, go for a drive or a walk, introduce him to your friends… lots to do. Link to post Share on other sites
R22X Posted August 23, 2022 Share Posted August 23, 2022 Hey, The fact that you have asked this question answers your question. You know he is pressuring you and this is causing anxiety and stress. You are a full grown women and if he respects you, he will respect you when you say '' I am not moving in yet and that's that'' x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts